suckball

How are you feeling today? I hope everything is good and well for you, your family, and anyone you have the slightest bit of care for.

Anyway, the reason I’m mailing you is because i’m wondering whether you’ve finally “caught up to me.” I know I’ve done some horrible things in the past, like lying, cheating, stealing, exploiting amongst other things, but I feel that you’ve done enough to balance things out.

I suppose it was about time that a significant other of mine would cheat on me, after all the cheating i’ve done, but don’t you think you went a little over the top? Having my ex-girlfriend go out on a date using my money, while I was doing her homework AND THEN have her come back to tell me off for doing a shady job, was a little excessive in my opinion. You know, when I found out that she cheated on me even before my plane took off, I thought “I so deserved that,” but the whole homework thing was just evil.

Nonetheless, I trusted your judgment and didn’t do anything evil back (oh trust me I could have). I even helped her out with a loan of over half my savings! I mean, that’s like Caesar giving Brutus a towel and hand lotion lest his hands get stained or worse, dry.

There are also the little things that are quite bothersome, like when my wallet went missing, in it 7-8 credit cards, debit cards, my Californian ID, my license, my social security card, my money, insurance card…boy that list goes on. Or when you tried to run me over with a car…..3 bloody times. Really, it is all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

Well, that’s really all I have to say. Currently, things are pretty good with me, so i’d more than appreciate it if you could leave things the way they are now. I promise I’ll stop skiving off work to play video games…and…and…to stop wanking so much.

Thank you very much and have a great life.
Louis

It has become apparent to me that there might be a possibility I wont make it back to Malaysia this summer. Due to the recent influx in gas prices, I have calculated that my trip to Malaysia, as well as to Europe, will cost me near 3,000 USD for the tickets alone.

I will try to find cheaper alternatives, but please note that Malaysia will be the first dropped from my plans. I suppose I could meet you in San Diego during your conference, if all falls apart that is.

Yours truly,

Louis

Expect less, lest ye be disappointed.

Amidst the starving going on due to the soaring prices in staple foods, I can’t help but to walk a little taller, stick out my chest a little further, smirk a little more whenever I read it in the news.

BECAUSE I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO YOU VEGANS/TREEHUGGERS/VEGETARIANS

I hope you hippies are happy, now that there is a GLOBAL FOOD CRISIS, millions of people are probably going to starve to death, and that the families that could once make ends meet will need to eat some sand for a while.

No really go ahead. Continue lobbying for biofuels (psst, which by the way is the reason for the food crisis, since they converted most of the crop fields for the production of biofuels rather than FOOD FOR PEOPLE TO EAT), organic food, free range farming, and other frivolous, unpractical “green” ideas.

I hope you hippies/vegans/treehuggers/douchebags sleep well, knowing that the hydrogen in your overpriced prototype vehicle must as well be blood from starving children.

p.s - Vegans kill babies too.

Including Suckball’s website. I’m sorry you people have not been able to leave comments, but this whole server has gone to shit. It’s about time I change the layout anyway, but with my upcoming senior project and…life, I won’t have time to make any improvements. At the very least, James and I are still able to post articles, so that should suffice for the time being.

Now, about everything else that is broken.

It recently occured to me that it is near impossible for  women today (and for the next few decades) to have babies anymore. Studies have shown that the healthiest babies are born BEFORE the woman is 25, and women having children after the age of 35 is just dangerous (perimenopause takes place around that age). So, here’s the math.

Senario 1: Assume a woman graduates with some micky mouse business degree and gets out at the age of 21. She would essentially only have 4 years to climb up the corporate ladder (to a position high enough so that she wouldn’t get replaced), find a partner, make enough money to afford both a wedding and house. Now, for the first 2-3 years, the amount of money that a fresh graduate would earn is so meagre that it would hardly make ends meet in terms of room, board, and possibly tuition loans. Say she is fortunate enough to find a partner that is earning around the same wage (lets say double), it would make little difference because they would not be able to afford a house by the time they’re 25, nor have a fairy tale wedding (Average cost of a wedding in the US - $30,000, but this includes the 30 cent weddings in Vegas. Average cost of a wedding where I live is over $40,000).

Fix to senario 1: In a perfect world, parents from both sides of the family would help out the struggling young couple, maybe not enough to buy a new house, but enough to have the possibility of a child. Sure the couple will bury themselves in debt for the next 30 years (at the very least), and have little savings for the child’s future, but at least having a child by the age of 25 is still possible. The perfect solution to this is for the woman to marry either a rich man, or one that is at least 10 years older who has a stable career and big savings.

Senario 2: The newly wedded couple quickly get things going and have a baby (No time for holidays mind you! The womb clock is ticking! Will address this later). Unless they have a lot of money saved up, or the husband is making enough money to pay off tuition loans, car loans, wedding loans, insurance, hospital bills as well as the 50 year loan they took out on a house, they, excuse my french, are fucked. Studies have shown that mothers should spend at LEAST 2 years nursing their child, breast feeding, comfort, playing etc lest it becomes a retard. Woman with a business degree has worked with some company for 4 years and is about to take 2 years off? Corporate America spits on you!

Fix to senario 2: One word, housewife. Women, i’m afraid the words “healthy baby” and “career” are mutually exclusive for you.

Senario 3: Here’s the kicker. Obviously the parents of the child wants their kid to have the best. Assuming that they have only ONE child, the average cost of raising a child in a public school (bare minimum) $130,000 to the age of about 17. This doesn’t include the shitload of toys, electronics, computers you’d have to buy for them, so i’m going to add that up to about $150,000. Assuming your child is a genius and gets into Stanford, 4 years of tuition is going to set you back a whopping $200,000+ (not including food). Of course this can be settled by making him/her pay for their own shit.

Fix to senario 3: A buttload of awesome investments, no holidays, eating cardboard for dinner, drug dealing, prostitution, and saving every penny after. Because with the loan on the house not yet settled, along with the high interest rates eating the couple alive, they can’t afford to spend money anywhere else if you want your child to have a future. Oh, and obviously, DO NOT HAVE MORE THAN ONE CHILD LEST ONE STARVES TO DEATH.

The outlook is bleak and frighteningly clear. We have a few options:
1) Have more and more retarded babies floating around
2) Have more and more “housewives” with self-esteem issues and a cheating husband around.
3) Have more and more bankrupt parents around
4) A death rate that is higher than the birthrate

Though it may seem that i’m talking out of my ass, I really am not. There’s a reason why countries like Germany and Singapore had a sharp decline in birthrates and marriages. So much so that the governments had to quickly respond to it (A prolonged death rate that is higher than a birthrate would crush the economy 50 years down the line because there would be too little young people to support the old people) by providing enormous tax cuts, and affirmative action for women seeking careers.

There are also other things to take into consideration, such as being a career orientated single mother, or having more than one child. Furthermore, what about engineers, lawyers, doctors, or PhD seekers, who graduate over the age of 23-25?  Last but not least? What about “alone” time? Life is not about spending your entire life taking care of your children. By the time your child has gone through college and is self sufficient, which is highly unlikely (Refer to fix for senario 1 - You still need to support them even after college), you will be too old to enjoy most of the things in life.

So remember, when a mother tells you to just marry someone rich, listen to her.

My kind of killer romantic sentence.

I was asked to read this book not twenty minutes ago, and I immediately scoffed at the idea that I might need advice on how to pleasure a woman. After a semester of human sexuality, I know more about a woman’s anatomy than most women out there (such as the knowledge that all women have a full blown penis, and is capable of having an erection. And no. It is much much more than just the clit),  so the idea was simply preposterous.

But hey, what do I have to lose?

(In scanning through the book, I have learnt that, apparently, female ejaculation does NOT heighten an orgasm. Leave the squirting to us girls)

At work we have this annual Summer Box Office Prediction Contest. And while I was doing some research, I figured why not write this shit up, tell you people what to watch this summer, so you might avoid watching shit. In the past two weeks I’ve seen NEVER BACK DOWN and 21. NEVER BACK DOWN was so bad it almost made my eyes puke, and 21 pretty much made my brain puke. Talk about the worst ever explanation of the Monty Hall Paradox ever. People need to start watching good movies.

Oh, and I only have seven so far. RED BELT is something I definitely looking forward to, since David Mamet is one of my fucking heroes, but that film has as much chance of making good money, as I have of living where I do and eating good Chinese. The only Chinese restaurant here has “Chinese Pizza” on the menu! Chinese Pizza! As if there is such a thing!

#07 WALL - E

To be honest, I could give a shit about Pixar films. I haven’t seen any that I’ve really liked. I know that’s borderline blasphemous, but whatever. I hate them. This one is - from what I can tell - a feature length film with little to no dialogue? Fuck off.

#06 WANTED

This film looks fucking ridiculous but damnit I like it. Morgan Freeman continues to push his creative boundaries by taking on the role of old, wise, freckled black man. Angelina Jolie plays Assassin Who Doesn’t Know When To Quit With The Eye Shadow. James McAvoy plays a regular joe who turns out can actually bend bullets. Nice.

#05 IRON MAN

Robert Downey Jr. is about to have a fucking banner year. The advertising campaign for this flick hasn’t missed a beat, every trailer, every tv-spot, every poster has been a home run. The only thing keeping it so low on the list is my expectation that people are mostly stupid.

#04 THE DARK KNIGHT

If this were a perfect world this film would make so much money people would hear the figure and just fall over dead. Everything about this thing looks badass. The viral campaign is starting to do my head in, but fuck all that shit. There are probably question marks over every film on this list, save for this one. There is basically no chance at all that this film will be anything but a masterpiece. Also, don’t worry about those rumors some of Heath Ledger’s scenes might be cut, I’ve had trusted sources confirm to me that the whole thing is bullshit.

#03 HANCOCK

Great concept, great star. Just a solid money-maker, right here. Jason Bateman is one of the funniest people on the planet, but he can’t open a movie on his own. Thankfully the lead is Will Smith, who at this point could be filmed taking a dump on a nun’s face and still open to $200m. Charlize Theron will do her best not to be outdone but she’ll really just be there for aesthetic purposes.

#02 TROPIC THUNDER

No doubt about it this will be the funniest movie of the year. I’ve been privileged enough to see some footage from this flick and Robert Downey Jr. is sick. There’s also what has now become a fairly well known secret cameo by a fairly well hated actor that will turn everyone back to his side. I’ve wanted to beat Ben Stiller to death with a shovel for years now, but he will redeem the shit out of himself this year.

#01 INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

I could care less about a new Indy movie, but there is no doubt in my gd mind that this film will make over a bazillion dollars. In fact it might make so much money that money itself becomes obsolete. We will start bartering with diamonds and Rolexes or something.

Sometimes the best solution is to just give up.

p.s - Not you suicidal person. If you’re going to kill yourself, at least
do something useful like strap some explosives to your chest.

Suckball is back up but it seems that there were some problems with the theme we were using itself. This will get updated as soon as possible.

Tudor

I was really bored about an hour ago, and I decided to watch an old episode of TRANSFORMERS. I thought that there was no way it could be as good as I remembered it being. Guess what: it is. It totally is. Here is the breakdown of one of my favourite episodes as a child, “Fight or Flee”, the best look we ever get at Sandstorm, who I loved because he could turn into three different things, as opposed to just two, which I had been used to at the time. Now that I look back as a twenty-two year old I wonder who I liked this pussy so much. Why didn’t I like Cyclonus? He is bad ass.

The episode starts out with Cyclonus and Scourge chasing Slingshot, who for no reason seems to be off gallivanting around the galaxy. He hides around a piece of floating rock, which suddenly becomes fucking enormous, and basically the size of a planet when considering how big the Transformers are.

That’s when the Aerialbots pop out and sand bag them. Typically a massive gunfight ensues where no one at all gets shot. Fortunately Cyclonus and Scourge find an inter-galaxy warp, inside which they find a planet populated by peaceful Transformers. Immediately, Cyclonus realises that the planet is populated by fucking pussies and there is officially a new mack in town. Also, there is an abundance of energon, you know, the thing that the entire series is based upon. So of course, he makes an inter-galactic call to Galvatron to come over and clean up.

Cyclonus tells Scourge to set his weapons to ’stun’, a feature that they have for no apparent reason whatsoever, since all they ever do is fuck people up. They rush the group of Paradronians who are discussing what to do about Cyclonus and Scourge, blowing Sandstorm (their de facto leader) away and seizing control. Some slope pipes up “but this is a democracy!” and then, suddenly due to my incredible hatred of democracy, I have no sympathy for when Cyclonus makes him “dance” like in those old westerns.

Even though these guys are intense pacifists, there is a fully-fledged prison block, presumably for people who forgot their table manners, or jay-walked. Anyway, Cyclonus, of course tosses Sandstorm’s ass in the clink, but fortunately there is a barred window in the cell, which while seemingly only the size of his head, is in fact the size of his entire fucking body, and the bars on it are easily destroyed by a handy little arm laser he happens to have. Neat!

He is detected escaping, so Razor Claw and a tank dude who I have no idea to his name are sent out to chase him down. Razor Claw jumps like several hundred thousand times faster than he runs, but for no apparent reason decides to run half the way. That way he gets to crack jokes I guess. Eventually Divebomb finds Sandstorm trying to escape in some huge rocket ship. So to kill him as fast as possible, he flies directly into the sky and then sweeps around to fly straight for him, when he could have just, you know, flown straight for him.

Hot Rod decides to heed Sandstorm’s rescue call. Kup of course doesn’t believe Sandstorm because he’s about a bazillion years old and he thinks he knows every fucking thing. Then Blur runs on screen and makes you want to slap him with your dick. You can’t of course, and that is a painful fact to swallow.

Of course, Galvatron, hero that he is puts all the autobots of Paradron to slave work, making missiles. Not that any of the Decepticons fucking use missiles, you understand. Just because he can. What else are they gonna make? Razor Claw shoots up the incoming Autobot ship with some intergalactic laser. Of course, it was just a decoy, since that’s pretty much the only move in the Autobot play book. Then, about fifty Autobots pop out from behind the meteor and no one notices a thing.

Sky Lynx flies overhead while the Autobots, which is basically Hot Rod and Springer destroy everyone. Sandstorm rouses the population of die hard pacifists to fight the Decepticons, whose sole existence has been to fuck people up. Let’s see who wins this fight.

Cut to Ultra Magnus who doesn’t realise he is walking into a trap, because why would he? He is a fucking galloot. Thankfully he has a secret radio mechanism in his chest, which I have never seen before, and he can call Hot Rod for help. That’s when Hot Rod hits him with his master plan: blow up the entire planet. Because that’s the other contingency in the Autobot playbook. His rationale? Because if the Decepticons get this planet, every other planet will be vulnerable. Really? How’s that? Why would they ever be more vulnerable than if the Decepticons didn’t have this planet of pacifist robots.

All the robots who were dull yellow are suddenly different colours. Nope now they’re dull yellow. Nope, now there are different colours. And we’re back to dull yellow.

Sandstorm (because he knows its location) and Ultra Magnus (for no reason) are sent to go and set a block of C4 on the planet’s energon source. God knows why Sandstorm needs a helicopter form, since he seems capable of flying in his dune buggy form. He tells Magnus to shut the fuck up for the first one hundred yards upon entering the building that houses the energon, but even that is not a command he is capable of adhering to. He of course drops some knowledge and then inexplicably grabs the rocket, throwing it at a bunch of Constructicons who happened to be chilling the back of the room, undisturbed by that rocket sentry.

Galvatron with a free shot of course misses the two of them and then is blinded by Magnus’ truck lights. Didn’t he learn anything from TRANSFORMERS the animated movie? And the robots are back to all being dull yellow.

The whole planet explodes, because, you know, no other choice. And apparently this is a satisfactory result, the end.