suckball

Help us help you….while helping us too.

It’s pretty disappointing to see that our traffic has reduced by over 25-30%, it’s worse to know that my lack of updates is probably one of the reasons why.

I decided that beggers can’t be choosers, so i’m going to link whoever links us up. We still average 400 unique visitors daily (down from 600-800) and god knows how many returning ones, so you can be sure your traffic will increase with our linkage. If you’ve already linked us, great. Leave a comment and we’ll link you right back.

Hurry though. WordPress tells me we’ve got several hundred people linking us, and i’m not going to have a 10 page long list of links, or a seperate one. It’s going to be on the main page.

I also realised that there’re no pictures of me on this site anymore, you poor poor souls.

So without further ado,

Its a wonder how Rocky has gotten so popular that reputation and nostaligia alone are powering a sixth movie. Not that the movies suck or anything, its just that they’re all exactly the same. I saw Rocky IV on TV today and I was shocked to see that after Adrian had her little dont fight rocky you dont have to scream that she has every film, Rocky stormed out, punched the gas and for FIVE MINUTES STRAIGHT, it was just ALL old footage from the previous four movies intermingled with shots of Apollo getting the shit kicked out of him and that black trainer shouting in slow motion!

APOLLO CREED

Where it all started. Even though he had a stupid moustache and was ultimately probably the weakest fighter in a Rocky film except for his faggot son in Rocky V, its hard to hate him since you know he was the guy that gave Rocky his shot. That and the fact he was in Predator with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Of all the Rocky films I acknowledge that while the first one is the most technically proficient, both of the first two are for the most part about as interesting as when your girlfriend takes you into one of those pot purri shops for twenty minutes. I think this is down to the fact that we know Rocky can beat Apollo, its just not exciting beause it doesnt really feel like a challenge.

CLUBBER LANG

I dont know who the fuck thinks these names up but its stupid. Actually I take that back Stallone thinks them up. Doesn’t sound so stupid anymore.

Clubber isnt just the best Rocky villain, he’s one of the best villains period. Maybe one of the best people in the world ever. He makes the third Rocky the best in my opinion, he’s got everything you need. Jewellery, mo-hawk, racial stereotyping, attitude and the ability to wip Rocky’s ass.

In real life though I doubt what happens in Rocky 2 would ever happen. There’s no racial solidarity in the world like there is in the African-American community, and the idea that an old black boxer who had his title taken by Rocky would teach him all his secrets to help him teach a new young black boxer is fucking ludicrous.

IVAN DRAGO

It’s a wonder that Dolph Lundgren got to star in a multi-million dollar film and say like six words in total. Most of the film is him running around in a white leotard and smacking a hanging punching bag.

I dont know if its biologically possible for you to punch a champion fit heavy weight boxer and kill him within two rounds, but then fight Rocky and him take fifteen rounds of that punishment and survive. He’s impervious to it because he ran around in the snow for like two weeks and then just when his spirits were getting low Adrian showed up and gave him comfort sex even though he was rocking a rough looking lumberjack beard.

I thought Rocky was gonna go blind if he faught again way back against Apollo Creed? How is he suddenly able to take Drago’s punches that were previously able to kill a man in the fucking ring?

TOMMY GUNN

I’m pretty sure that the guy that plays Tommy was never in a single film since. And what the fuck do you expect? I wouldn’t piss on this guy if he was burning, he betrayed Rocky! There’s no fucking excuse for that. He’s a faggot anyway. What I never understood is why Drago didn;t come back and kick his ass. He’s supposed to be like the most finely tuned athlete of all time, as if you’d take one beating by Rocky and retire.

Oh well.

About two months ago I bought the new Argentina jersey with Messi on the back. I wore it a couple of days later and some guy I was playing futsal with said ‘who’s Messi?’ Well I’m pretty sure everyone who has even a latent interest in football knows who he is now.

CHELSEA - 1  BARCELONA - 2 

It was probably about two minutes into the game that Asier Del Horno realised it was kill or be killed. And despite getting away absolutely scot free with almost breaking Lio Messi’s leg off at the knee, twenty minutes later he went straight for the torso like Adam Sandler in The Waterboy. He was sent off, and thus ended the game as a contest, and allowed the attacking trio from hell to feast on Chelsea’s patched up backline.

Nobody ever listens to me when I say that Wayne Rooney isn’t the best young player in the world. Maybe now you will, considering Lio Messi is the best player on the best team in Europe and is 18. Hmmm.

I’m glad Chelsea got beat on their own ground. The only way it could have been any better is if John Terry hadn’t been playing like he was on steroids, or if Didier Drogba would have gotten bitch slapped by Carlos Puyol.

REAL MADRID - 0  ARSENAL - 1

Another game, another amazing young player that is younger and just as good if not better than Wayne Rooney. Ultimately the game was about the genius that is Cesc Fabregas. Sure it was Henry that danced around 63 Real Madrid players before tucking it past Iker Casillas, but Fabregas was winning the ball all night long.

Since I support Valencia I watch a lot of the Spanish League, but you dont need to do that to know what Zidane is. I say ‘what’ and not ‘who’ because to say that would imply he was merely human. The fact that Arsenal dedicated two players to stop him from unleashing hell was the only reason they were able to not concede. That and the fact that evidently Ronaldo cares about Real Madrid’s fortunes as much as he does choking on his own faeces.

I’d write about Liverpool but you guys know you suck. And before you laugh at that Man United fans, you fuckers didnt even play.

Group of people steal over 40 million pounds

If I had a penny for the amount of fool proof plans in my head that involve no one getting hurt and me being rich for the rest of my life, there wouldn’t be any heist in the first place.

Honestly, it is too easy to either 1) Kill thousands of people and get away with it or 2) Steal millions of dollars and get away with it.

If you’ve read my previous articles, you’d know that there’s logic in what my plans are. The big mistake that big corporations make is that they believe that their employees will die protecting the company’s money. Taken that there might be heroes every once in a while, a little more planning to make sure no one tries anything unexpected is simple.

The fact that i’ve not been in jail is proof enough that planning is all you need.

*wink*

Read it and weep

I…really have nothing else to update.
Uhm

i’ll be back later.

Dave Spritz is a local weatherman in his home town of Chicago, where his career is going well while his personal life — his relationship with his perfectionist writer father, his neurotic ex-wife, and his now-separated children — is spiraling downward. Despite being both loathed and loved by the local masses, Dave is a guy who doesn’t seem to have it all together, and in this film, he begins to feel it. An attractive job offer presents Dave with a major question: to pursue his career in New York City, or to remain at home with his family.

- IMDB.com

I saw this over the weekend, and its pretty much one of the best films I’ve seen in the longest time. Nicolas Cage is awesome as per usual. Anyway the reason I wanted to say something about the film is this one scene that is one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

It is brought about by Nic Cage sat across from the house where his estranged family is living, and he wonders ‘would things be different if I had remembered the tartar saue?’

We cut to the past, and his wife is telling him, DONT… FORGET… THE TARTAR SAUCE. To which Cage replies, just put the order in and stop busting my you know whats. She says thats the problem you always have listen to me! And he goes, I HEARD YOU! TARTAR SAUCE!!!

He goes out and walks down the street while his inner monologue kicks in:

Tartar sauce, Tartar sauce, Tartar sauce… Tartar sauce, Tartar sauce, Tartar Sauce, Tartar sauce… [He stops at the curb and notices a girl’s ass] Man I would like to put my face in there… [Looks hard at her ass] Right in there… Tartar sauce… My hips are cold. Tartar sauce. Thats when you know its cold… I like eating pussy. Tartar sauce. A lotta guys don’t. Well maybe they do, maybe thats just black guys. Tartar sauce. What happened to the guy who was trying to go around the world in a balloon? Did he make it? I should put some espionage or stolen plutonium in my novel. Tartar sauce. Spice it up. Fuck it’s cold… Neil Young? Why am I thinking about Neil Young? Neil Diamond… Neil… There’s not a lot of famous Neils. Is this Wednesday? I wish I had two dicks. I though the whole family was gonna learn Spanish together this year. That never really happened. I haven’t had a Spanish omlette in a long time. [Lights change] Here we go…

He obviously forgets the Tartar sauce and they split up as a result.

Anyway, go watch it.

Mary Jane Watson was cornered by a group of Backstreet Boys rejects who wanted to rob her because this is a family film, although this isn’t a family website so lets call a spade a spade they wanted to rape her. Anyway, Spidey shows up, lays the smack down and then engages in the most iconic kiss our generation’s time.

That The O.C.’s flagrant rip of this moment could only tarnish its memory a little bit is testament to how great this scene actually is. It’s also pretty lucky that this scene actually played out like it did because had Spidey been stood up in front of her when they kissed there’s a pretty high chance he would have been stabbed in the heart by Kirsten Dunst’s HUGE POINTY nipples.

Sam Raimi has been invincible since Army of Darkness and everything he touches and will every touch is gonna be gold in my book. Although as IF you wouldn’t tear off the mask. There is no way you wouldn’t.

This scene has everything our generation looks for in a good scene; a superhero, good lighting, rain, a cool costume, a red-head and a dress that cannot contain the nipples beneath it. I’m not really sure what else you’d want. Maybe Kanye West getting anally raped in the background by Kid Rock.
By the way, if anyone who reads this knows Louis in person (Kitty this means you) or would like to petition by way of comments or something, please tell him to update because I feel like I’m holdin the fucking fort down on my own.

We have been following a random guy through a meat locker until he and his lady friend with the Japanese school girl hair-do get to a club. Inside, there are about two hundred junkies, a very ugly blonde girl who dances around in a bra and Steven Dorff who is BAD ASS. After a while, it starts pouring blood and the random realises he is about to have hit shit totally ruined. Vampires start hissing and kicking him until they realise something themselves; that Wesley Snipes is here. And he is kitted from head to toe in black leather.

There are few opening scenes in a movie better than this. Probably ever. In fact now that I think about it, the entire Blade franchise and anything it will ever be is on a perpetual downward slide.  Not because Ryan Reynolds is now in the movies, but because there will never be a cooler or better scene than the way Blade opens.

Watching Blade kill vampires to a sweet techno soundtrack has always been a thing of beauty. And you know you’re watching something beautiful when you’re in total respect of a scene that features the star of Grounded For Life with big ginger pig tails. That Blade skewers him in the shoulder twice and then sits him on fire is just icing on the cake.

There’s even a part where twelve vampire soldiers appear with the ugly blonde girl and fire off uzis at Blade. This scene is so good that we ignore the fact Blade doesn’t get hit at all, instead each of the soldiers and the DJ get killed when he spins around on the floor and shoots like six bullets.

It’s sad to think that there’s next to no chance that a scene like this will ever again grace a Blade film, since now David Goyer seems to be taking full control and substituting fucking cool auxillary characters like Ron Perlman (who might actually be the coolest person in the world) for a character called Jarko Grimwood, played by fucking Triple H.

I’ve started keeping stuff like this to myself recently, realising that I was giving people way too much good music. But I’ve been hooked on this music over the past week or so, and I read on someone’s blog that ’suckball.com recommends some pretty good music’. Ignoring the hulking understatement there, I’ll just move on..

Those are the albums. The second one is a bit gay but the first (self-titled) is amazing. But let’s be honest there’s about as much chance of you guys going out and buying the CDs as there is Kirstie Alley going out and buying a low fat latte. So - and not that I advocate that sort of thing - here are the tracks you should definitely get:

All The Arms Around You, Call It Clear and The Four Corners. The last one being by far the best song I’ve heard this year even though it did come out ages ago.