Archive for March, 2006

the only good post to ever concern wesley snipes with yellow hair

Friday, March 31st, 2006

Ever since an unfortunate series of incidents effectively killed off my love for film, there’s been something of a void in me that I’ve struggled to fill. I still read film websites and follow celebrity gossip, but not in the same way that I used to. I had had a deep interest in the Russian Revolution for years and neglected almost all other aspects of history for the longest time, but now with a vacuum of interest to fill and my increasing interest in other areas of history has led to me starting read and think a lot more about general modern world history.

Thus, today while I was at work in the place where time stands still, dying a slow office-based death, I had the epiphany of:

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REVOLUTIONARY CHINA vs. DEMOLITION MAN

It had previously occurred to me at points in class, learning about Mao Zedong and his peasant armies that I had heard this story before. I couldn’t place it, but I had definitely heard it somewhere, I could remember, the black guy dies at the end, right?

Today I was hit with it; the Sylvester Stallone film DEMOLITION MAN is a representation of Mao Zedong vs. Chiang Kai Shek in early twentieth century REVOLUTIONARY CHINA. I’m sure you’re skeptical, so I’ll prove it.

The first thing we realise about this movie… Actually the first thing we realise about this movie is that Wesley Snipes cannot dress. But the second thing we realise about this movie, is that Future America is populated by passive individuals who have been numbed so far by cultural revolution that aggression is now unheard of. This is possibly best depicted in the scene about half an hour into the film after Simon Pheonix (Snipes) kills a few people and then the police converge on him and attempt to apprehend him. He finds himself able to kill all of them with barely controllable gusto (he is used to have his head smashed into a car-windshield by NYPD cops) and subsequently drives off in a future car with one of their weapons.

Juxataposed with the social realities of turn of the century China and the similarities are clear. China was characteristically docile, given their Confucian values, it was precisely for this reason why the revolution happened. They welcomed the sterner face of Communism because they felt their current leaders (the Manchu dynasty) were not strong enough. They took part in World War 1 but they didn’t fight, they were helping by digging trenches for fucks sake.

Subsequently, John Spartan (Stallone) is welcomed because he IS strong. Similar?

Past the obvious social similarities, the underlying theme of revolutionary China is harder to see, but it’s still there I promise you, championed by both Sly Stallone and Wesley Snipes’ characters;

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Stallone’s character clearly represents revolutionary leader MAO ZEDONG. His character, “John Spartan” even drops clues through his name. Communist theory is all about the little people, the average joes rising up against authority and establishing a society without classes. Clearly, ‘John’ is the definitve everyman name, and I assume that the second name ‘Spartan’ is a less than subtle play on ‘Spartacus’, the Roman slave who led the slave uprising in 73 BC.

vvs bb

Snipes on the other hand plays “Simon Pheonix” or CHIANG KAI SHEK, the leader of the Chinese Nationalist Party. Why does he ultimately lose in Demolition Man? Because he is confused as to what to do, misdirected, overawed with the power he finds he holds, and ultimately because he has no friends in the future. The EXACT same thing could be said of CHIANG KAI SHEK’s loss to MAO ZEDONG if we substitute the word ‘future’ with ‘revolutionary china’. And he had some friends, but nowhere near enough to deal with MAO’s peasant armada.

The police force that brings Spartan to the future is the film’s representation of Communist Russia. He wants to adhere to their principles but he wants to bring down Pheonix his way. Similarly, Mao felt bound by Russian Communist lore, first that the revolution must come from a worker’s proletariat as Marx prophecised (to which Mao argued “proletariat” related to a revolutionary mindset rather than merely a social class [Michael Lynch]) and second, that MAO should form the United Front with the Nationalists.

The second of these almost decimated the Communist party, and they ultimately had to go into hiding to survive.

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Coincidently, Spartan is getting his ass kicked by Pheonix whenever they run into each other until he realises that to get anything done he needs to do things his way. Why? Because listening to the Police Force was killing him. Ultimately, no-one could appreciate that times were changing. Exactly like the backward Chinese government and the fiercely orthodox Russian Marxists.

There’s a beautiful scene in a museum, where Pheonix gets his hands on a futuristic weapon (just after perhaps the greatest line ever: WHAT’S YOUR BOGGLE??) and he and Spartan engage in trench warfare and catch up with each other while zinging off one liners. In this scene, Snipes has an immensely powerful projectile weapon but he is eventually overcome by Spartan even though all he has is a stick that lights up and goes WOOOME for no apparent reason.

He overcomes Snipes through better application of resources. The parallels here with Revolutionary China are uncanny. The disparity in firepower here is clearly a representation of the Chinese Nationalist force’s military advantages over the largely peasant based Communist army. However, despite being poorly equipped, the Chinese Communists were able to defeat CHIANG’s Nationalists through superior tactics and application of resources, waging effective guerilla warfare, perfectly depicted in this scene as Spartan defeats Pheonix with just his stupid stick, in a Museum of Natural HISTORY.

Obviously, the end of the film is the victory of MAO/Spartan over CHIANG/Pheonix and the parallels are complete. The significance however is wtih the kiss between Spartan and Lanina Huxley (I dont know if I spelled that right but its Sandra Bullock so who gives a shit right);

From their inception the Russians had told the Chinese Communist to merge with the Nationalists, and clearly chosen to support the Nationalists instead, feeling that the CCP was not strong enough to survive. Try as he may, MAO could not get himself recognised by the Russians as the leader of a Communist party.

In the movie, Stallone spends the better half of the film trying to bang Sandra Bullock, but she prefers “non-contact” or not “transferring fluids” - negligence like the Russian Communists had shown MAO. But by the end of the movie however, Spartan has won, doing things his way and the revolution is complete. The Russian Communists can no longer refuse to acknowledge the legitimacy of the Chinese Communist party and the film illustrates this with a metaphorical kiss.

Peace.

For the men

Thursday, March 30th, 2006

Don’t you just hate it when you piss into a bottle you’re holding because you’re just too lazy to walk to the bathroom when suddenly you hear the pitch of the piss gets higher, telling you it’s reaching the top of the bottle? (overflow)

So now you have an overflowing bottle of piss, you trying to suck up the rest of the piss because you don’t want it all over your floor with the worry that holding your piss in might damage your chances of having an erection in the future.

God damn small bottles.

Louis has become a hippie

Wednesday, March 29th, 2006

Last Sunday, I participated in some community work for Habitat for Humanity and built part of a house for an unfortunate family.

From this I learnt that the house that I laid the foundations for will house a family that can’t be too rich, because that’s just mean…and not too poor, so they wont sell the house and bust it all in Vegas.

Being my usual competitive self, I made sure that I did the hardest task, did the most work, did the most important work and scoffed at everyone else’s fruitless pursuits. Me bitter what?

My task for the day was to “construct underfloor earthquake-resistant piers”. What this really means is that I will have to spend the day on my hands and knees because it’s only 3 ft high, clean out the cement and gravel from beneath the house so that we can later place 6 by 6 pillars in strategic places to reinforce the house.

Unlike the rest of the pussies that started the day with smoking a death stick and spent the rest of it on a “5 minute” two hour lunch break. Know my name and fear it, I am Louis.

Habitat for humanity
p.s - Who the hell is that Korean
standing in front of me?

*giggles*

Tuesday, March 28th, 2006

Charlie Chaplin couldn’t make a joke funnier than watching drunk animals, so i’m not going to even try.

fuckette.

Monday, March 27th, 2006

I just wrote a nice long update only to have this laptop (that isn’t mine) shutdown on me. And since it’s late, instead of writing a new article for you, i’m going to just summarize what I wrote earlier.

1) Big black 300 pound rugby guy “dirty right hand dan” challenges me to drinking. For the first ever time, I decline.

2) As James mentioned, we had an interview and i’m currently editing it to make it reader friendly. Should be up shortly

3) This is the first episiode of the best comedy/drama series on tv right now, Grey’s Anatomy. Click here to download (350MB, For preview purposes only)

4) Here’s a link to the most “AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW” video ever.

5) If anyone can design a nice picture for me for printfection.com, something to do with Suckball, I’ll buy 3. One for James, you and obviously one for me. If it’s absolutely brilliant, I might even print enough to sell it on Suckball. So think it through.

That’s it.

Comments

Sunday, March 26th, 2006

Commenting is again available so go for it!

I love Rihanna like a fat kid love cake

Sunday, March 26th, 2006

Someone I used to know last year reminded me that whenever I got drunk I used to tear people apart with drunken freestyles about Walker Texas Ranger and Homosexual porn, I dont know if subliminally, but I’ve developed a very deep appreciation for Rap music. Not the shit you get nowadays or the Kanye West rent-a-sample stuff, but back when it was good and had substance.

Subsequently Mos Def is now one of my favourite people of all time. He’s no Joe Stalin but he’s cool all the same. Suddenly I start paying attention more to that channel that’s 343 on Sky, I think it’s MTV Base. Whatever, sometimes they play some good music, but also, Rihanna is SUDDENLY SMOKING HOT.

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The perfect girlfriend if you’re DEAF

I wanted to do a positive/negative tally thing, but I realised that even though she is stupidly attractive now and rocks a push up bra like Janet Jackson rocks Triple Chocolate Muffins, there is no positive that could possibly outweigh the shame of being responsible for that Pon De Replay song. I hate that song. Was she always hot? I don’t remember. Not that I would know, I imagine that whenever the Pon De Replay video was on my ability to see was severely impaired by the death rays that song was emitting.

I have trouble typing it out. I think from now on I’ll refer to that song just as ‘The Unfortunate Incident’. I refuse to give it any more publicity, since I remember like two years ago or something it was on the radio repeatedly despite being to music what Kevin Federline is to manual labour.

She has kind of a big forehead now that I look some more of her pictures. She hides it underneath a sweet fringe for most of the new video. Either that or you don’t notice it because your eyes immediately go to her breasts. She could have been dancing around in a pair of decapitated baby heads for all I know. But I figure that must be good, the big forehead thing is supposed to mean you’re smart right? She must be a fucking genius looking at that thing. You could land the entire fleet of British Red Arrows on that bad boy.

Whatever. I’m going to let you all into the private world of James’ Musical Playlist.

1. A Tribe Called Quest - Can I Kick It?
2. Pharcyde - Drop
3. The Roots - Why?
4. Mos Def, Nate Dogg and Phaoroh Monch - Oh No (Good for Mos Def’s verse only)
5. Jay-Z & Eminem - Renegade
6. Rihanna - SOS (The video is worth the song I promise)
7. Pharcyde - Runnin’
8. R.E.M. feat. Q-Tip - The Outsiders
9. … And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of The Dead - How Near, How Far? (I can’t have entire playlist of rap I’ll kill myself)
10. The Lost Boyz - Love, Peace and Nappiness

I was gonna upload both Louis’ and my responses to an interview we had recently for one of our readers (Im too lazy to link, the url is http://www.xanga.com/elaine_cyl) but I figure if I post it then I’m gonna rob Louis of one of the things he can use an excuse to update.

So I’ll leave it at that. I don’t know how to upload anything other than images so my intoxicated freestyle audio clip will have to wait.

Oh shit, a Louis post?

Sunday, March 19th, 2006

Yes, so I disappeared for a week and you people keep bothering me for updates but I have responded with nothingness and a hope that james would write a post, which he did.

It seems like the whole “blog world” would much prefer quantity rather than quality because people don’t REALLY appreciate good writing/work. Rather, people who do “blog surf” just have nothing to do on a daily basis and check out the regularly updated crap filled blogs.

I can already hear you nerds screaming “What about maddox!?!?!? He never updates but has 100 unique hits every minute!!!!@!!#!@!”. That’s because he’s already famous, everyone and their dead great aunt knows of his work.

I would list a few “blogs” that don’t nearly deserve the amount of traffic they get, but that would just be bitter and childish. On a serious note though, I have noticed that true Suckball fans are generally smarter than the average “blog surfer”

So give yourself a clap on the back, you deserve it. You’re smarter than the average bear! (If you understood that joke, you’re awesome)

Anyway, here’s a picture of me wearing our infamous suckball t-shirt.

louis.JPG
p.s - Whoever invented the word “blog” needs to get shot.

Some Movie Shit

Sunday, March 19th, 2006

Some things don’t change. The sun will rise and set every day, Louis will disappear after updating, Orlando Bloom will use a bow and arrow in every one of his movies, and Tom Cruise will always be a psychopath. To that end I am really bored on a Saturday and do what I usually like to do when I have nothing on my rung of stuff to do other than take a dump or watch an episode of Friends that I’ve already seen about sixteen thousand times.

Let’s talk about film! There are a number of people I know who are not the brightest. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something. Plato said that I think. Whatever. Anyway I’m going to prove him wrong because I don’t have anything in particular to say, but neither am I a fool. Well..

James’ Ultimate List of Movies You Will Want To See I Promise You

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

Positives: Brad Pitt and Sam Rockwell. Even though the latter is probably gay. Brad Pitt could make a film about a fart that George Bush had while sitting in the bath tub awesome. Jesse James is really cool so it would seem like a perfect fit although I’ve been fooled by that preconception before when I heard about Kelsey Grammer for Beast. What an idiot I was.

Negatives: It also stars Ben Affleck’s faggy brother who was previously faggy in Ocean’s Eleven and Twelve. Rock.

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The Break UpPositives: I’m pretty sure this film will be sanctuary for almost every man on the face of the Earth, much like Wedding Crashers was last year. I’m not sure you people quite understand the job Vince Vaughn is doing for you by being in these Romantic Comedies every year. He provides you at least some comic relief. Could you imagine your girlfriend dragging you to a Freddie Prinze Jr movie? Or one where Ben Affleck and Sandra Bullock fall in love IN WALMART? Or one where Wolverine travels in time and falls in love with Meg Ryan. I watched that one for an ex-girlfriend trust me its not worth it.

Negatives: None. No Vince Vaughn film can have faults unless it also stars JOHN TRAVOLTA.

Die Hard 4.0

Positives: It’s a fucking Die Hard film for godssakes.

Negatives: I never understand why that woman who played Holly Genero never came back for Die Hard with a Vengeance. It’s not like she was off winning Oscars or something, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her in another film. What past-time can possibly be more fulfilling than being in a movie with Bruce Willis and Samuel L Jackson and features the line “Yippee Kay-Yay Mother Fucker”.

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The FountainPositives: Darren Aronofsky. Ignoring the fact that it stars the guy who starred in the aforementioned life-threatening Meg Ryan time-travelling romantic comedy. Requiem for a Dream was one of the best films ever made but I refuse to ever see that fucker again.

Negatives: The fact that it stars the guy who starred in the aforementioned life-threatening Meg Ryan time-travelling romantic comedy.

Zodiac

Positives: David Fincher is in my opinion (outside of Steven “Obviously” Spielberg) the greatest director of all time.

Negatives: As we have seen Fincher can only make good films when he has a charismatic lead. That basically means Brad Pitt. He’s got Pitt lined up for his film after this one, why he’s rocking this one with Jake Gylenhaal who is about as heterosexual as gay anal rape is beyond me.

Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny

Positives: Jack Black. I have absolutely no idea what this film is about or will possibly entail, but it’s probably gonna just be Jack Black rocking out and being stupid.

Negatives: I can’t see any.

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Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky BobbyPositives: Will Ferrell is 9 times out of 10 shit your pants funny. Also, the trailer featured a bunch of half naked women, one of whom lifted up her shirt and had a rack you could mounter a server in.

Negatives: 1 times out of 10 Will Ferrell is a fucking idiot.

A Scanner Darkly

Positives: Trippy. Trippy. And a score by Radiohead.

Negatives: The book fucking sucks. And Keanu Reeves (outside of The Matrix) pounces on shitty scripts like a kodiac bear stalking a fucking salmon.

Pirates of the Carribbean: Dead Man’s Whatever bum fuck whatever yeah hhh

Positives: This is my political one. It’s gonna be alright, there’s no doubt. But it just gets dragged down because Orlando Bloom is such a faggot. And Johnny Depp gets way more praise than he deserves. The music is AWESOME though I’ll give them that.

Negatives: Whatever..

And finally to save the best for last…

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300

Positives: If you haven’t read the source material, it’s fantastical. Louis always asks me what good movies are coming out and my answer is ALWAYS 300. I bet he still hasn’t checked it out, so here I’m going to spell it out. It’s written by Frank Miller (Sin City) and it is the story of the ancient battle of Thermoplyae in which King Leonidas and 300 Spartans fought to the death against Xerxes and his Persian army that outnumbered them 100,000 to one. Awesome.

Wow I’ve written enough there.

No one can compare to Brad Pitt

Sunday, March 12th, 2006

I was just about to log off and do something within the realm of productive when I happened upon a website of one of our readers (you will know who you are) and happened to scroll down a little only to notice that hell had formally frozen over. This person had written a post about Fight Club and mentioned that (somewhat redundantly) that the film is awesome, but had then dissipated all respect by saying that they don’t think Brad Pitt is hot.

I love Brad Pitt. He’s on my list of top five favourite people. In no particular order, Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov, Joseph Stalin, Pablo Aimar and Stephan Jenkins. (Bruce Willis misses it by like an inch) And if I can possibly deflect any flack over my last comment I don’t condone mass genocide although I dont think thats what Stalin did but thats altogether a different discussion lets focus.

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Now, I know that the website is pink and despite what may be written on many occasions in our guestbook, I reiterate that I am absolutely not homosexual. However, in spite of this I’m gladly going to spend twenty minutes dedicating all my time to explaining why Brad Pitt is without any shadow of a doubt the coolest and subsequently hottest and most awesome guy ever to walk the planet.

First of all he’s awesome. That goes without saying. Brad Pitt is to awesomeness what Paris Hilton is to getting fucked by three guys only two of whom you know the first names. I think probably the best thing about Brad Pitt is that he could have any woman (or man) ever born, currently being born or will ever be born. I can’t be certain of this, but I’d put money on the fact that even those people who say they don’t think Brad Pitt is hot would still gladly drag their first born child through broken glass for a mile to screw him.

I’m not sure if Brad Pitt is awesome because he picks the best roles or the roles are awesome because Brad Pitt plays them. This is a little thing I like to call the Brad Pitt paradox*. 12 Monkeys was probably the best time travel film of all time and got him an Oscar nomination but basically everything he touches is cool. He’s like Johnny Depp. But cooler. And with better abs. And he played Tyler Durden for fucks sake.

One thing I will say against him is he doesn’t have the best taste in women or the best timing. Jennifer Aniston was a good call, but outside of that? Gwenyth Paltrow looks like a member of the pigeon familia of birds, that girl from Natural Born Killers whose name escapes me is pretty nasty and he hooked up with Angelina Jolie when she was outdoing so lonely she would have probably fucked a panther.

He’s so good looking that everyone basically ignored the fact that for like a month back there he had bleach blonde hair. Louis came to the conclusion that Brad Pitt is hot because he has the greatest clothes of all time. Now that I think of it I’m not sure thats it, I think its just that he is so good looking he makes anything look good. I’m pretty sure if you put him in a human sized slinky he could still score anyone he wanted.

Anyway to sum up, I’m not gay and Brad Pitt is the coolest guy ever