Finally, I can squirt my little louis anywhere I want, without worries of real little louis spawning……well, there’s still a worry of mushrooms growing on mine penis, but nevermind that….they’ll find cure(s) for them too!
So go forth unprotected til thy penis rots and falls off!
I watch the OC on a pretty regular basis, but I have absolutely no idea why. The first season was solid, but ever since Julie Cooper decided the best course of action to get rid of a pornographer would be to go to his hotel room with a loaded pistol the show has kind of fallen apart. The reason for this is that the writers suck and the principal cast is too small.
I don’t watch One Tree Hill or any of those other shit puddles and I would not recommend any of them, because from what I can tell they’re exactly the same as The OC except in the case of One Tree Hill, instead of starring someone who was vaguely cool about 40 episodes ago, there’s a guy who gets married more than most of us take a shit after mexican food. I got pushed into the show by my ex-girlfriend and can quite honestly say this is unthankfully the only legacy she has left me.
I think that the thing that pisses me off most about The OC is their dispensability with hot characters. Previously, the hottest character on the show was Kirsten’s sister whose name escapes me but appearence does not. She featured in a handful of episodes and then disappeared for no apparent reason except that the show was getting a little bit too interesting. Then, they introduce a girl who I *think* was called Chloe in the last episode who will almost certainly never appear again, unless in six seasons time, every possibly plot direction is exhausted (Julie Cooper having divorced every post-pubescant man in Orange County, Ryan having a workable relationship and Kirsten not drinking) they need her to reappear and be pregnant with Ryan’s baby. SHe was CRAZY HOT, why are we writing her out? The only reason I can see for that is that I looked her up on IMDB and apparently she was in that awful Nick Cannon movie where he plays a cop (that should be enough for a laugh), and therefore I can kind of understand the prejudice.
What else annoys me about the OC is their tried and tested method of dealing with relationship related problems: walking away and leaving a note.
Apparently this is the only way in which people in Orange County can deal with problems that involve two people of the opposite gender. No wonder Ryan is fucked up, every time his fucking mom appears she disappears and leaves a note, as does any random trailer trash girl he hooks up with who reaches the end of her recurring episode quota. If I have to sit and watch Ryan’s hand slowly reach for a folded piece of paper, see him read it and then slow pan out I will kill myself.
I read that Mischa Barton wants to get out of the show and its sending the OC into crisis.
Solution: Let her fucking walk. She’s the worst fucking thing on the show as it is, she’s ugly and skinny, a bitch and one nasal snort away from being a full time crack whore.
I read that Samaire Armstrong returns, clearly Summer and Marissa wasn’t enough ugly for the show. Also, There are only three more episodes before the end of the season, so some shit has to go down. In a WELL WRITTEN show, I’d be wondering what’s coming, but unfortunately the show hasn’t been well written since Marissa went to Mexico and almost died, or when WELCOME TO THE OC BITCH happened.
Therefore, we can safely assume that since Ryan’s relationship with that girl with the John Travolta chin has ended, something big has to happen to him. Gee I wonder what. Presumably through some ironic twist of fate he will run into the only girl uglier than Summer or Marissa who he for no apparent reason chose to impregnate, she can’t tell him about his son, because honesty is NOT the OC way, that’s like their golden rule. No, he has to run into the kid or something. Whatever. So she’ll come back, visually cause a seizure, and then alert Ryan to the knowledge he has a child, thus bringing about a heart-wrenching scene where he finds out he wrestles with the idea of leaving and helping raise the child, set to some sad bastard music probably ripped off somewhere by Matt Pond PA* FOR THE SECOND SEASON OUT OF THREE.
Is there any logical way we can not see Seth and Summer getting back together? I doubt it. Maybe they’ll re-enact a momentous event from a comic book movie. No, wait they already did that. Who knows then, all we know is that it will happen, probably in the final episode of the season. And the last line over the fade out will be some stupid comment from Seth.
Ah enough venting. The show sucks but why can I not stop watching it. I guess the final episode will be either Julie Cooper and Summer’s ugly dad getting married, the graduation, or a combination of both. If it’s the former, I’d like to congratulate the writers on ending the third season the EXACT SAME WAY THEY ENDED THE FIRST.
*Matt Pond PA - respectable until they stole my favourite song ‘In the Aeroplane Over The Sea’ by Neutral Milk Hotel and butchered it and then put it in an episode of The OC.
1) I hate how my entries have become “blog” entries
2) I realised that NOTHING is good enough for me
3) Ever wonder how many people hate you for the annoying things that you do, that you’re oblivious about?
4) Having nothing good enough for you annoys others
5) People should leave Iran the fuck alone, including the pope.
6) Many of the art/history/english/business majors i’ve met believe they’re beyond intelligent because they know how many pimples King Henry the VIII had on his buttocks and usually use phrases like “You don’t KNOW what President Lincoln did whe…..” as if it is absolutely vital knowledge.
7) Many of the art/history/english/business majors i’ve met bring their laptops into the computer lab wondering why their laptops no longer work after clicking a “OPEN THIS FILE AND GET $1000 DOLLARS!” file. They also like forwarding emails that promise 2000 years of bad luck if they don’t, not realising that someone is collecting those emails for junk mail.
Many of the art/history/english/business majors i’ve met are hot and generally have pictures of themselves in a bikini on their laptops.
9) Many of the engineers/science majors/math majors i’ve met stay in the computer lab because it’s the only place they can “bully” people and regularly fantasize about one day getting the highschool bully to work for them.
10) Many of the engineers/science majors/math majors i’ve met love anime, because they keep thinking that one day life will become like the anime and they will grow long blue hair, have eyes bigger than their nose, be gorgeous and cool.
11) Many of the engineers/science majors/math majors i’ve met are unfortunate in the looks department.
12) I am one of the very few exceptions.
13) Many of the engineers i’ve met are Indian.
14) Many of the CEOs and the top rankers i’ve met and read about are engineers.
15) There is a mirror on the back of my door and I glanced at myself while walking back into my room and I realised why people (guys included sadly) love to grab my ass in a club.
16) I have extraordinarily short legs. Which means my tightass only looks good in pants that make my legs seem long enough.
There was a point in time, I forget when, when somebody, I forget who tried to convince Louis and I that a Malaysian guy, with the help of the mystical art of silat actually killed Bruce Lee. The Lee family and anyone involved with the Chinese culture of course quickly covered this up and made it look like Bruce Lee had died from an alleged ‘medical problem’.
In retrospect, thats probably the dumbest fucking thing I have ever heard.
As I write this, I have no idea if that picture is gonna fit or not but I don’t care. Bruce wouldn’t.
In Way of the Dragon Chuck Norris was on the verge of beating Bruce Lee - a man who would probably have in his prime, have given Superman a tough fight. Norris was taller, bigger, wearing adidas allstars and more importantly, wearing white pants. You cannot lose in white. Not in a kung fu movie anyway. But this was no ordinary kung fu movie. And Bruce Lee was no ordinary un-billed asian villain who would populate Walker Texas Ranger a decade later.
I dont want to see any more slow motion punches, no more tried and tested action with bullet time, no more Jean Claude Van Damme doing the splits across chairs, no more Arnold Schwarzenegger JUMPING UNTO EIN HELICOPTAH AND DODGING BAZOOKA JUST IN NICKK OF TIME JINGLEALLTHEWAY!! The action in Way of the Dragon was real. Cinema at its purist. Combat at its purist.
I like this movie because it kind of acts like a benchmark in modern cinema. On the one hand, from this movie, Bruce Lee went on to become on of the most revered and influential figures in modern martial arts. Chuck Norris went on to become the guy who gives the thumbs up to Average Joes Gymnasium.
Here’s the contrast to Jack Churchill.
You just KNOW when he was designing the site, he thought “WOW, this picture of me with my hairy pits will turn women on world wide”
Do check his gallery.
Even though I hate wiki because it’s being runned by nerds who got bullied in high school, you people need to read about Jack Churchill.
The most badass person who ever existed. I’m not even kidding.
Why? World War II with a bow and a claymore.
Hard Drives to Louis is equivalent to Hitler to Jews.
Last week, my hard drive died on me….my 3rd or 4th of the same line in the past 3 years (Stay away from the MK40GAS toshiba hdd) and I had it replaced with one twice the size.
Come 9 days later the new hard drive dies on me. Funnily enough, the last thing I did on the computer was tell James about how my hard drive just died on me the week before.
I don’t want to take the attention away from James’ brilliant post, so i’ll just end here. GAH, I was almost done with my awesome article too.
I’m usually a good judge of things. I also know a fair bit about film, and so when I hear about a premise or a cast, usually I can tell if it’s going to be big or mediocre, or in this case, absolutely fucking awful:
I can’t believe they use “FROM THE GUYS WHO BROUGHT YOU WHITE CHICKS” like its something to be fucking proud of. It’s like trying to promote a modern day Youth Camp ran by a German guy with the tagline of “FROM THE GUYS WHO BROUGHT YOU THE HOLOCAUST”.
I don’t know what the fuck the Wayans Brothers are thinking. I also don’t know what the hell the studio that financed this monstrosity is thinking. I was talking about this with a guy at work the other day, and I came to the conclusion that Shawn Wayans just might be the anti-christ.
Don’t get me wrong, Keenan Ivory and Marlon are almost as bad, but I cant speak too pejoratively, since Keenan Ivory is one of the leads of my favourite action film of all time, The Last Boyscout (although saying the movie has anything to do with him is like saying the Jordan era Chicago Bulls had anything to do with Scottie Pippen), and Marlon (by what I can only imagine was a pure freak accident) was in Requiem for a Dream, one of the best films ever made.
THAT SAID.
The premise is this:
“In the hilarious comedy “Little Man,” Shawn Wayans plays a man so anxious to become a father that he mistakes a short-statured, baby-faced thief on the run, played by Marlon Wayans, for an abandoned toddler. He and his wife, played by Kerry Washington, take the “baby” into their home and care for him. The “baby’s” partner-in-crime in a jewelry store heist, played by Tracy Morgan, tries to break him out and recover a stolen diamond.”
I’m gonna be honest, I’ve no doubt I could have eaten a tin of alphabet spaghetti and then shit out a better plot than that.
How they got Kerry Washington in this film is beyond me. Acting in a Jolie/Pitt film and then deciding to do a Wayans brothers movie must be one of the worst decisions in history, right up there with when Tsar Nicholas II said “There’s no problem in Russia, watch me win this war”, or when General Custer said “Well how many Indians can there be?”.
Alarm bells should be ringing in the very first sentence when whichever Horseman of the Apocalypse wrote this synopsis uses the word “hilarious”. You know at this point that the writer is in fact, evil manifest, or one of the Wayans brothers.
A look at the trailer does absolutely nothing to quash your apprehensions.
When you’ve got to the point where you have to steal from previous stories, you’re undoubtedly a hack, but at least you’ve got good direction. Romeo Must Die or that Baz Luhrman mind dump were both mediocre, but they had good source direction. In Little Man, what we have is a story stolen from the Martin Lawrence wonder hit “BLUE STREAK”.
The trailer shows Marlon Wayans run into a grocery store, the cops are coming, so what does he do? Hide it in the store? Put it in a packet of rice and shove it right to the back? Nono, he runs up to someone at the cashier and SHOVES IT IN THEIR BAG. When you have a plot dumber than a Martin Lawrence film that doesnt feature Will Smith then you KNOW you’re in trouble.
Basically, after this Shawn Wayans finds this midget in a baby basket on his doorstep. Now, we can see from the house that he lives in he has some serious de niro, so why he’d chance his seemingly perfect life with a slamming hottie wife on some little shit he found outside his house one afternoon is very questionable. It’s more questionable however what job he has that made him so much money, when he clearly too stupid to determine that this is not a baby, but a midget in baby clothes. Stevie fucking Wonder could tell this was not a baby. Here’s a quick checklist of qualities a baby would not have, should you one day find one on your doorstep and find yourself unaware:
1. He would not have stubble on his face.
2. He would not be able to smack a baseball harder than you.
3. HE WOULD NOT HAVE A FUCKING JAILHOUSE TATTOO ON HIS FOREARM.
If you find yourself able to overlook this subtle transportation into the realm of pure lunacy, then the rest of the trailer revolves around about six different ways to set up Shawn Wayans getting hit in the face with a frying pan or something else hard.
The fact that the Wayans disease are all responsible for this train-wreck is wonderful. It’s written, directed and acted by them, so they have absolutely no one else to blame but god for allowing their continued existence.
**also a note; im not sure what you guys do but I’m currently at university, where I need to maintain my currently sterling grades and am right smack in the middle of my most tumultous coursework deadline period, I’m also simultaneously working in an office from 9-5, 5 days a week so i can go to kl for the summer and visit my girlfriend in a months time, so it would be nice if we didnt have people writing in the comments that our output is not to their fucking standards.
He doesn’t even need to sing to be immortalized
I remember getting in trouble for keeping a bottle of phlegm. I was wondering what happens when all the yellow and green sits in a bottle for a long time. I was convinced it was going to solidify into awesome, my sister thought otherwise.So maddox’s book is out and it’s currently #1 on amazon. That on it’s own is hilarious.
I’m coming out with a new article as well as the transcript to James’ and my interview. So stay tuned