Archive for May, 2006

Interesting night

Sunday, May 28th, 2006

Crutches, Severed knee, Stolen Stripper Dollar and pictures of self hiking on edge of cliff. These are the memorabilia of yesternight.

It all began with
“Hey, lets go to San Francisco!”.
Near 2 hours later, we’re in San Francisco with the driving clarity of a penis. We were searching for a strip bar.

With a vague idea of where the strip bar may be, we looked for parking. Mr Driver wasn’t too good with parallel parking, so I decided to get out the car to help him. I get to the front and then to the back to direct him.

With his car 2-5 ft in front of me, I asked him to reverse. But alas, pedal heavy friend decided to gas his car (parking uphill) and crushed my knee between two cars.

Yes. My knee was crushed between two cars and it was the most disgusting sight i’ve ever seen. I realised that his car had crushed my knee but felt hardly any pain at all, til I looked down. The car had climbed ONTO my knee, which meant that I couldn’t see below my knee and I thought my leg had fallen off. I scream, much like a 6 year old girl would if her leg had fallen off.
He moves forward and I collapse to the ground in pain. Within seconds I check whether i’m able to move my leg, I feel for any obvious broken bones, whether my knee felt like sponge. In horrific pain, I crawl to the curb to sit down and wonder why my friends are asking me to get into the car. Ah yes, they thought they hit the car behind us when really it was ME, between the car.

2 minutes later, I suck up the pain and go limping down the very very very steep hills of San Francisco. Knowing that adrenaline is keeping me from pain, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that i’m going to pay dearly for using my knee next orning.

We get to the Strip Joint. Crazy Horse - Gentlemen’s Club. I ask for the entrance fee, $25 - Cash only. I didn’t have any cash on me, but conveniently there is an ATM just a meter away from me. Of course convenience comes at a $5 fee withdrawal price. I pay with $40 and get $15 in dollar bills. How…gentlemanly.

After 3 hours of seeing more vaginas and fake breasts i’ve ever seen in life, there are several things i’ve learnt from strip clubs.

  1. A dollar goes a long way.
  2. There is not a single gentleman in the club.
  3. The lousy strippers have 2 moves. G-string anal floss move and doggy style with invisible man.
  4. There’s always one really ugly stripper that tries too hard.
  5. The strippers pry on men’s ego like hawks in order to earn a buck.
  6. Say NO to everything unless you’re Bill Gates.
  7. Fake titties do not look good.
  8. Not giving a stripper attention will make her give you MORE attention.
  9. The hot strippers have a bitchy attitude because they KNOW they got a good boob job. So don’t expect them to give you much action with that dollar you put down.
  10. News flash hot stripper - You’re on the pole. You may earn $300-$1300 a night, but I assure you, you’ve failed in life.

Needless to say, I didn’t have as much fun as I expected. Sitting down meant my body slowed down the pumping of adrenaline, and ignoring the strippers made one climb on top of me to breast smoosh my face, and another made me stand up (ouch) and doggy styled me while spanking my behind.

As dubious as it may sound, I didn’t get horny once that night. Knowing that I’m sitting on violated chairs and a room full of men (who by the way, have been there for HOURS. HOURS!) with hard penises didn’t do it for me….even with titties in my face. The fun of the entire night was the fact that one of the strippers reminded my friend of his mum and I stole a stripper dollar - just so could bring it up in a conversation one day. I paid her near $5 dollars (Usually people give $1-2 dollars per walk. It’s like on a runway) to violate him. He wanted to punch her in the nose.

The club closed at 3am, pain kicked in full blow and I limped my ass back to the car where we decided to watch the sun rise behind the Golden Gate Bridge (This is relatively close to where we were standing, except we were on the edge of a cliff…this was the beach below). Getting on to the cliff edge means a lot of hiking, and hiking with slippery shoes with a near broken knee and an ego is never a good combination.
I get to a clinic after I get back and the doctors all ask whether I visited an emergency room or iced it down at least. I figured if I told them I went hiking on the knee, they wouldn’t let me live it down, so I tell them that I slept it off. X-rays come out clean (for now) and I have to wait til my knee stops swelling for them to properly check the damage.

All this with no alcohol. Imagine the possibilities.
p.s will post photos up later

I HATE Grey’s Anatomy

Saturday, May 20th, 2006

http://www.film.it/fnts/televisione/immagini/300x180/greys_cast.jpg

2 Finals next week and I spend 2 hours watching this god forsaken show. I hate it because of my addiction to this steaming pile of drama, because I critisize anyone who watches The OC which is really just Beverly Hills 90210 X-TrEmE, because Grey’s Anatomy is The OC with scaples and scrubs.

I also hate how my tear ducts get a wake-up call every fucking episode, I hate how it makes me think “hey, i think i should be a surgeon”, I hate how hot Mc Dreamy is (not a hot-i-wanna-fuck-him-way you imbecile. A why-cant-i-look-like-him hot)

Most of all, I hate how I just watched the season finale. This only means the next episode comes out in god knows how long.

I need to start watching UFC or something violent to get my testosterone back to normal.

p.s - I also hate Sandra Oh’s (Yang) eyebrows.

Summer Plans

Friday, May 19th, 2006

Things are looking bleak at my possibilities of staying here for the summer. That only means that I go home to do an internship in Malaysia instead.

I’d rather be anywhere else in the world, so if you have any connections be it with India, Iceland, Croatia, hook me up. Computer Engineering is my field.

James is going to be gaying in Australia for the most part, girlfriend will be in Los Alamos doing research on the next A-bomb. That’s what I get for turning down internships in hopes for better ones.

Team Black Pearl

Tuesday, May 16th, 2006

World Cup season is almost on us (24 days or something like that) so lets take a look at the guys that will most likely be holding the cup once its all over.

 

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Not the right team but whatever
Top row, from left to right: Lupe Fiasco, an English Professor, an extra from American History X, Rivaldo, a penis wearing the Brazil Jersey, a guy who seems about as excited to be there as I do when my girlfriend drags me into a pottery store
Bottom row, from left to right: One of the super vampires from Blade II, that annoying guy from Office Space, that annoying guy from the Brazil squad, Pablo Escobar, Romario (CHEER THE FUCK UP)
 

Dida

There was a time when I thought Dida was the greatest penalty stopper of all time. That was before I saw Jose Reina defy all laws of logic constantly. He’s gone downhill a bit since last year, but he’s still the same Dida: about 26 feet tall with hands like giant baseball gloves.

Roberto Carlos

I read somewhere recently that Roberto Carlos was past it. Give me a fucking break. He’s still - despite what any English commentator will admit - consistantly the best performer at Real Madrid, and I’m pretty sure if the Earth was ever facing electrical problems, he could power the entire world by running on a treadmill for the rest of his life.

Cafu

I don’t like Cafu. But he’s better than Cicinho.

Lucio

The problem with Brazil is their defence. That’s almost redundant. Like saying Paris Hilton is a ho. Lucio is good though even though he looks like one of those killer monkeys in Congo. I honestly believe Lucio is on some form of medication that wears off after about half an hour. Watch him, he’ll play well and conservatively for a while and then after about half an hour of any game, he’ll suddenly take the ball from the keeper and then for no apparent reason run all the way up the field like the lone fucking ranger. It’s awesome.

Juan

Probably the only genuine way to beat Brazil is to wait for Lucio to go one of his runs, immediately swarm him and then break on Juan. He’s an average defender but he’s nothing special. His competition for the centre back spot is Roque Jr who is quite possibly the worst defender in the world. A quick look at his CV: came to Leeds United on loan, played four games, got sent off, Leeds got relegated. He then moved to Cologne for this season and worked his magic there, they’ve finished bottom of the league. Actually now that I think about it Luisao was good at centre half for Benfica.. Whatever I already wrote a paragraph.

Emerson

He isn’t what he used to be that’s for sure. He’s old and slow now although that said he is the rock the best team in Serie A is based around.

Kaka

If Kaka wasn’t so greedy he’d be in the top five players in the world. I used to like him a lot but the more I see of him the less I like him. He has ridiculous balance and can strike a ball like Ike Turner strikes his wife but he’s too greedy at Milan. That said it might be because every other attacking player on the team is useless and only marginally worse than the Shevchenko aka. the most overrated player in the world not called Frank Lampard.

Ronaldinho

Saying sitting deep against Brazil is a good way to beat them is like saying Dungeons and Dragons is a good way to pick up chicks. If you give Ronaldinho time he’ll just slice right through you. I’ll welcome controversy by stating my absolute belief that he’s only the second best player in the world. But he is light years ahead of everyone else in the world (except Thierry).

Ze Roberto

Ze Roberto is like the cool guy at the party’s little brother who got brought along for the fun just because they have the same mom.

Adriano

Hopefully once Mancini gets the boot from Inter and Cappello comes in, the team will get back on track and Adriano will return to the form that he had last season. There’s really no legitimate way to defend against Adriano other than bottled mace and a stun gun. For example, this defender does absolutely nothing wrong, but look what happens. LOOK

Ronaldo

I still think that on his day Ronaldo can be the best striker in the world. The thing that you Real Madrid and casual La Liga watchers don’t get is that Ronaldo just doesn’t fucking like you.

Johnny Depp

Sunday, May 14th, 2006

Johnny Depp and a select few others are members of the group I like to refer to as the ‘Really Really Hot haha no wait’ guys. People who get way too much praise for being just crazy hot when they really aren’t. Now, there are a number of reasons for this and for admission into this group, and his fellow members consist of people like Orlando Bloom and Jonathan Rhys-whatever that faggot from Bend it Like Beckham who looks like a serial rapist in every single photograph.

For some reason, everybody on the face of the Earth in 2003 suddenly decided that Johnny Depp was the greatest acting talent ever to grace this universe. I read an article on the top 100 actors of all time and he was listed 2nd. SECOND! Apparently he’s a better actor than every single person in Hollywood except Marlon Brando. Give me a fucking break. He’s nowhere near Edward Norton or Sean Penn and that’s just contemporary. Off the top of my fucking head I could list Kevin Spacey, Tom Hanks De Niro, Pacino oh my god my head.

Now I’m not dumping on Johnny, but seriously, one outrageously cool performance in Pirates of the Carribean DOES NOT make you gods gift to acting. Or sexiness. I’m still reeling from the whole Pirates of the Carribean thing. I’ll be the first to admit the film was ALL ABOUT Depp, and had it been anyone else in that role it would have been doomed, but I just cannot understand how he suddenly became such fucking hot shit. That movie is so powerful and I hate it because it gave Orlando Bloom street cred. Before that (and probably after) he would have always been known as the least heterosexual character in the Lord of the RIngs movies.

Johnny Depp is so fucking hot right now he could star in the worst movie adaptation of a Steven King film since Dreamcatcher and people would be like yeah it was okay DEPP WAS HOT. He’s so fucking hot right now - and this is my favourite one - people suddenly think every piece of shit film he’s ever made was an unappreciated masterpiece. Donnie Brasco was not a good film, nor was From Hell, or The Astronauts Wife. Get over it. 9 out of 10 of his films suck.

Johnny Depp was so fucking hot in Pirates of the Carribean that he can wear whatever the fuck he wants and people will just ignore it! It’s like when Michael Jackson molested the first kid, he was so hot it was just like ah don’t worry about it, homeboy made Thriller.

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Come on, what the fuck is that. I watch a lot of E! and I see that guy in the lemon sorbet button down rag on every fucking outfit seen but when it comes to Johnny Depp it’s just like oh I love Johnny he’s so super yummy right nowww.www WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT HIS GAY FUCKING SUIT HE WAS JACK SPARROW. I love how anything Johnny wears is suddenly back in style and super hot shit. Like those glasses. If Lindsay Lohan turned up at the Oscars in those everyone would be like bitch please. But when Johnny Depp wears them and tops the outfit off with a grandfather suit its like OH MY GOD SO EDGY GET ME A PAIR.

The guy is really, really cool, I don’t doubt that. But the thing is he is the exact same cool in every single film. People seem to think he’s amazing because he adds these really fucking cool character quirks except they dont seem to realise that it’s the exact same quirk he applied in the last role. That doesn’t make great acting! That’s just being himself! For a good performance he should trying fucking suppressing the quirks. Yes! He’s cool, but he’s not a great actor. He’s barely even good looking. He’s awesome and he’d probably be a guest at my fantasy dinner party but he’s no way as good as people give him credit for.

He is no Gary Oldman. Of all the quirky actors Gary Oldman is second to none.

A History of Violence

Friday, May 12th, 2006

 

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Being a film elitist, I usually only bother to discuss film with other elitists, and as such I’ve been the subject of a lot of ridiculous discussion on A History of Violence. I’m not a snob or anything, but I just would rather not have a discussion about why its awesome when Tom Cruise pulls up on his motorcycle’s front wheel swings around and shoots the car till it blows up in Mission Impossible II. Anyway, usually with films in discussion, people pick apart minor plot holes like how did the video camera keep rolling when the aliens came if all forms of electricity were out in war of the worlds? But for some reason, people seem to overlook the fact that this film doesnt even have a plot.

I’m not quite sure who decided Viggo Mortensen could act and as such deserved another leading role after his performance in three Lord of the Rings movies that basically consisted of him bitching about being the king or not and him bringing a sword in an arc over his head and then slicing down at the camera for three hours at a time. Every action he did in any of the movies consisted of him bringing the sword in an arc and then slicing down. He did that when he cut his toenails.

Obviously Viggo Mortensen takes sucking to a whole new level in this film because there are no elves, large scale wars, flying monster things and/or Hugo Weaving. We also get to see him have sex with Maria Bello. Twice. And believe me this is not a plus.

His character development fucking blows and flat out doesn’t even have a history. If this was the way to make a movie, Casino would have ended when Robert De Niro got blown up by a car bomb about 80 seconds into the movie. Who needs a backstory? Ignoring the fact that he’s suddenly a national hero but none of the journalists seem able to find out he was previously a nut case mafia killer? Gnarls Barkley got famous off of one song and now every member of the press could tell you what colour underwear he wears on a wednesday.

The film is basically a 10 minute porno flick stretched out into a ninety minute film which is about 88 minutes too long. There’s flickers of truly mediocre dialogue sandwiched between either Viggo Mortensen indulging in improptu sex with his rape victim wife or him shooting someone in the face.

The comment on imdb.com is ‘a top notch thriller’. Fuck you.

If you ever wondered what a festering dump would look like made into a film this is your answer. This film has no redeemable qualities. Even the sex scenes suck.

Music:: Rhett Miller - Come Around

V for Vendetta

Wednesday, May 10th, 2006

I recently saw this film, and thought I’d give my thoughts on it, since I have a twenty minute slot before I should start doing some revision. There are spoilers here, so do your thang.

 

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I knew beforehand what the general buzz on this movie was: poor. I also hated the trailer and that is usually not a good omen because I saw the trailer for The Day After Tomorrow and thought it was awesome. That said, this movie was by the Wachowski brothers and I knew they could make films as good as The Matrix. However, I also know that can make films as good as the Matrix sequels.

First of all i hate people that cannot appreciate the dichotomy between film and real life, people that can’t identify that some things are works of fiction and are in no way trying to make digs at today’s government. I can appreciate this may be difficult if you’re a fan of George Bush and therefore have the collective intelligence of a bean sprout, but try and realise that a film about a dictatoresque leader who uses a veil of deception to keep his peoples in a state of perpetual fear does not HAVE to be an attack on George Bush.

I’m pretty sure that if I was ever at the head of a country I’d probably be a totalitarian fascist leader (except for the extreme religious angle), but this film doesn’t insult me. There’s no doubt I’d publicly destroy V, because lets face it there’s no way someone can come so close to death so many times and survive with only a couple of knives. But that’s not really what the film is about, its more to do with whether real freedom can actually exist in a society that is monitoring all of your movements. I think Vera Luxembourg said ‘freedom is always and exclusively freedom for the one who thinks differently’… The answer is of course not. But I’m pretty sure everyone knew that already. I’ve seen Gattaca.

 

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Also, V despite the perpetuations of idiots, is not a terrorist. He doesn’t attack innocent people. A terrorist attacks citizens hoping to elicit and influence government, V in no way does this. At the very worst he extracts revenge and I’m pretty sure you fuckers were like GO DENZEL GO when he was cutting that la hermandad dude’s fingers off in Man on Fire.

The film is really good. It’s a little confusing and as a result the twist(s) don’t work as well as they could have with better writing. V is completely, completely insane. He wears a stupid mask all day every day, talks to himself and then sacrifices himself for the cause when there’s no need to. I hate people that sacrifice themselves for the cause. Sacrificing yourself for someone you love, that I can get, it’s like a life for a life. But a life for an ideal? Gimme a fucking break. That’s why people like Lenin were pussies, they knew what was more important.

He also expects Evey to live with him for a year but I doubt very much that he was planning to go to the pharmacist and keep her equipped with tampons and such for the whole time.

 

evey
 

Which brings us to Evey. By far the most interesting character in the film. Hands down the most beautiful character I have ever seen in a film, but with the worst accent I have ever heard. Towards the end it’s completely nonsensical too, I dont give a fuck how noble your intentions if you torture me you’re getting your ass kicked. Don’t think I’m too stupid to appreciate what he did for her but it’s bullshit, there’s no way you’d forgive someone who physically and mentally tortured you.

But she’s crazy hot so she can get away with it. Natalie Portman might actually be the most beautiful person in the world. Plus she doesn’t go out with Josh Hartnett which fucking rocks.

Anyway go out and see the film, it’s good. Also, I will be in Malaysia in about 10 days.

If you think you’ve got it bad

Sunday, May 7th, 2006

I just found out that the person living next door to me got into a horrible car accident back when he was about 10-12.

In this accident, his uncle and his 3 cousins died, and he was mortally wounded. His skin on his forehead flapped over his eyes and nose, his intestines were spilling out, he broke countless bones and lost a massive amount of muscle and flesh from his thigh (i’d say at least 20%). I had no idea until there was a dress up party yesterday and I saw a foot long scar going up his torso.
The fact that you’re able to read this post removes any kind of excuse you can give for a “why do bad things always happen to me”

Suckball breaks records…again? and other stuff

Saturday, May 6th, 2006

2 months ago - 3gigs of bandwidth
last month - 11gigs
this month - 21gigs

What are you people doing? Watching our videos on repeat for 28 hours a day? If it reaches anywhere near 30 gigs, i’ll have to shut down the site for days to accomodate that.

anyway, I learnt several things today.
1) According to Alexa, Suckball is (now, was) the 1969303th website on the internet
2) Suckball has earned a total of $6 dollars since May. That’s because of our little google bar. Click on it once in a while.

Also, I have a confession to make.

I honestly think that Bridget Jones’ Diary is a great movie

which brings me to my new article.
There’re two types of movies that generally work for me almost all the time,
1) Something based off a true story. Though I am a pessimist to the point that people regularly tell me “Your kids are going to commit suicide” or “Do you ever say anything positive”, somewhere deep in me, i’m rooting out for humanity. Movies such as Remember the Titans, Sea Biscuit are high in my books not only because they were well made, but gives me a sliver of hope that the world isn’t as bad as it seems.
2) Romantic comedies - simply because they’re the funniest of comedies and again, gives me a sliver of hope that life is not about death and taxes. These comedies ALWAYS contain a bad guy - the slut, cheat and an all around asshole, and the good guy - the misunderstood gentleman, completely and utterly selfless, all around “nice”
In the case of Jones’ Diary, the “nice” guy was played by Colin Firth
and the irresistable cheating man slut
This movie shines from other romantic comedies for the simple fact that the lead actress is a blimp. Her commitment to her work forced her to put on 30-40 pounds by eating nothing but whale fat and ice cream for several months to get into the physical character of Bridget Jones, a hopeless romantic who thinks she’s too fat and does absolutely nothing about it. (Shallow Hal doesn’t count because you hardly even see the fat lady)
She keeps getting herself in horrible horrible situations and turns redder than a baboon’s ass like attending a tea party dressed as a playboy bunny and accidentally falling onto a camera in a short skirt for national tv to see.
I have yet to hear anyone who watched this film say that they didn’t enjoy it. Men will automatically believe that they are Mr Darcy and women will dream about being a hopeless romantic and bagging the richest most eligible bachelor in England. It’s a great movie especially if you invited a girl to “hang out” that coincidentally has been in your masturbation fantasies for several months or if you invited a guy to “hang out” that  coincidentally has a gorgeous girlfriend you wish to steal him from. Win win really.
Go watch,

Who Will Kick The Bucket

Friday, May 5th, 2006

Well I heard on E! News last night that a member of the principal cast of the O.C. is going to get killed off in the season finale… Which is today I think. Anyway as much as it pains me to write two articles on the OC in a row, and there’s a very high probability that I’ll be completely wrong, lets look at the odds.

 

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Summer Roberts

Of the principal cast, she’s the only one who is anywhere near humanoid looking. Killing off her character would be catastrophic. Her one-trick pony-ness is matched only by her boyfriend, but let’s face it the show is about the two of them now. Also she fell head first from the pirate ship that was in the Goonies THAT IS AWESOME.

Chance of dying: no chance

Seth Cohen

Seth has the acting range of an erect penis so I can’t see as other avenues are exactly bursting open for him. His role in Mr and Mrs Smith was basically Seth Cohen in a suit. He gets to go to work with his girlfriend every day and is pretty much the star of his own tv show.

Chance of dying: no chance

Sandy Cohen

I don’t think Peter Gallacher could ever die. Imagine if you tried to shoot him, he’d just pull off one of his eyebrows and deflect the bullet with it. Drowning in the ocean? Grab hold of the eye brow and float your way to safety.

Chance of dying: wholly unlikely

Ryan Atwood

You have to think it would be way too bold a move to have Ryan die. Unless this is secretly the final season, in which case it would be awesome to have him killed off. Although, that said, Ryan is basically the younger, male version of Julie Cooper. Any plot involving him is basically some new broad he’s hooking up with, things dont work out because she isn’t Marissa, so she runs away and leaves a note. In the last episode he hooked up with Theresa. This made NO LOGICAL SENSE. She’s ugly, can’t dress and isn’t Marissa. It’s clear how this will end.

Chance of dying: Not likely

Julie Cooper

There was a time when I thought she was the hottest character on the show. There was also a time when I thought I was going to grow up and fly around the galaxy with Captain Bucky O’Hare. It’s amazing what two seasons can do for you. Ultimately, I think it’s probably a plot necessity that she gets killed off, seeing as how the only possible plot avenue she gives the show is marriage, and 4 marriages in 4 seasons might be a little too much.

Chance of dying: likely

Marissa Cooper

Mischa desperately wants to leave the show, so why not have her conveniently killed at the end of this season? However, the thing that makes me think it wont be her is that E! News reported she would be back for guest spots next season and more importantly “this plot twist, the studio has been planning for 6 months”. Well if a show that has had my attention for over a year took 6 months to plan the death of the most annoying person on the fucking planet then I should be ashamed of myself. In an ideal world, we’ll get the principal cast member killed via falling off a cliff, and at the last minute, she’ll grab Marissa’s ankle and drag her down with them as kind of a bonus.

Chance of dying: very likely

Kirsten Cohen

I would figure she’d be the easiest person to kill off considering her character is completely and utterly inconsequential. Will she drink won’t she drink who gives a flying squirrel what she does. Drunk driving is my guess.

Chance of dying: probably best bet