suckball

Expect videos, pictures of debauchery. Oh yes it’s going to be a fun week.

Book quickly! Appointments are almost full. What to do this weekend, hmm.

As many of you already know, I started an internship with Philips a month ago. Seeing that this is my first ever 8-5 job (yes the extra hour. I’m such a hard worker), I had a lot to get used to, mainly to stay awake for 9 hours and that 5 hours of sleep is not enough to keep you awake that long.

The main thing I’ve learnt is that I am not occupied every second for the entire 9 hours. Rare are the days where I’m busy for every minute of the day, it is at this point I start looking for things to do. Sadly, I do not have Internet access so that takes away hours of possible fun and my computer is more ancient than the fungus between my toes. It is then I decided to write a list of things to make my time fly by quicker, after all, idle hands are a devil’s playground. These are my top 10:

10) Start reading company policies:

These don’t last long but they serve a good purpose. They tell you that spanking your colleague to say good morning is a nono. They also remind you that alcohol is included in “drug abuse” so drinking alcohol at work is generally not recommended. The rest of the usual stuff like not to check whether a plug is working by putting your finger into the socket or that “mister please” is much better to term to use in comparison to “nigga* please”. PLUS, your supervisor can’t tell you off for being careful.

*Thank you Microsoft Spell Check, but “niger” is not the word I’m looking for.

Time wasting factor: 10-20 minutes. Once only.

9) Microsoft games:

I feel this is only ranked at 9 because these games will inevitably reduce your social standing and generally your “coolness factor”. I mean, being able to boast that you’ve become awesome in Minesweeper and have read strategies online on how to improve your game by a quarter of a second is not something the ladies go for. I pride myself in knowing that I have absolutely no idea how to play Hearts and FreeCell, though the time I’ve spent on Minesweeper and Space Cadet is worrying.

Time wasting factor: Endless hours. Can be done daily

Smoking breaks:

Huh? Louis? Smoking? Impossible!

You’re absolutely and utterly correct, so why am I endorsing smoking? Simply because the average worker probably spends ¾ their day on cigarette breaks. It’s become accepted that smokers NEED to smoke every so often, so they are allowed to just walk out and have a cigarette without repercussions, 20 times a day whereas non-smokers like me don’t have an excuse to just walk outside to get a breather. So if you do smoke, abuse it well. Though I find it ironic that smoking not only reduces your work-time, but your life-time as well, a double whammy really.

Time wasting factor: 10*5 – 50 minutes a day. (5 minutes per cig, 10 cigs at work.)

7) Toilet breaks:

I have been tempted to just lock myself in the toilet for 10 minutes or so to take a quick power nap, but toilets have a problem of being smelly. The trick is to spend your entire morning overloading on either coffee, chocolate drink or really any kind of liquid and see how many times you can go to the toilet. Take an elderly paced walk, be excessively vain and pretend you have an obsessive compulsive hygiene problem. That should cut down your day by an hour easy. If you’re lucky and feel the urge to take a shit, take as long as possible because the musk of your poo will overwhelm your cubicle and eliminate the other nasty smell from before.

Time wasting factor: 30 minutes a day, an hour if it’s a number 2. Can be done daily if you’re healthy.

*Update – I have in fact locked myself in the toilet for a good 10 minute nap. Problem – Dead arm after.

6) Break breaks:

Coming back from a break deserves another break. It takes a while to get into the groove of work after you take a cigarette/toilet/lunch break. So sit down and spin around in your chair several times before you get back to work. Lament about how much you ate during work or how it’s just 20 minutes to lunch, enjoy that nicotine rush or enjoy the feeling of having empty bowels.

Time wasting factor: 30 minutes, Daily affair.

The last 5 will be posted tomorrow.

Look. I’m glad that you people are still coming back, and our hits actually increased even though i’ve updated more regularly than I get anally fucked (for the “jokers”, the regularity is none. So giggle away)

However, I shall promise that if I don’t post an article tomorrow, I will give full permission to the homosexual stalkers of Suckball.com to have full access to whichever hole they feel most…well…comfortable with.

James’ of course.

Til then.

…..

they’re calling again.