I’m currently at work doing meaningless dribble and I thought i’d take a break from my break to update a little. Oh yes, I am the redefinition of “waste of company resources”…I guess you could throw in the usual suspects such as inefficient, lazy, lifeless……
- My laptop is bust, and without a laptop don’t expect many updates. I plan to start the editing of our new video the second little tushie gets here.
- Seriously, start checking back for updates. I’ve got a huge motherload of a surprise coming on my next post.
- GoogleAds has earned Suckball a total of $15.30 friggin dollars, $10 dollars just in May. I feel this is a huge thing because this puts Suckball far and beyond the norm of meaningless websites. So feel free to click away on the right side with the ads if it suits you….and if you’re still using shitty Internet Explorer, install Firefox and earn us a few dollars there too. Here’s my promise that i’ll spend every dollar I earn with Suckball on suckball.
- If you’re new here, here’s the video that got us famous
- This one is pretty good too, and this was the trailer
- James’ old articles, Louis’ old articles
That’s it for now.
QOTW : We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done. -Henry Wadsworth
It says, “Avoid if at all possible”
Be a man.
I’ve decided there’s a few things I will accomplish sometime before my heart stops beating. Here is one.
1) Sky Dive Naked
This has to be done before my skin starts to sag, plainly because it’ll be quite gruesome for my excess skin to be flapping on my back during the journey. Plus, saggy testicles flapping on my buttocks should prove to be quite painful. Anybody to join me?
Oh oh, here’s a random thought. Say I drop a chicken/cat/dog/land creature out of the airplane and catch it before it splats….would the animal actually die of fright? Hehe, a bunny would serve a good laugh.
Also, here’s a woman who survived a 33,000ft drop without a parachute after her plane blew up.
I’ve been writing crap on this website for 3-4 years and never made a cent out of it. Anyways I haven’t as yet ever asked for anything, so it would be good if you peoples could help me out with this: i through extreme boredom and randomness decided to enter a contest i saw on tv that was basically 30 people in rocawear freestyling and i thought shit i could do that.
anyway its a lyric writing contest and i would very much appreciate if you could help me out by voting for me. i wrote my entry in about twelve minutes but have somehow been still chosen as a finalist, and to be honest i don’t really know what the prize for this contest is except that it involves “BRITISH R AND B SUPERSTAR ESTELLE” and so hopefully it’ll be something funny as shit like a music video featuring her and i with my awesome lyrics.
anyway vote please!!
follow this link:
http://www.galaxymanchester.co.uk/article.asp?id=261742
and then enter the code “Respect 104″
THANK YOU.
ps. the lyrics aren’t available on that page, but they don’t matter because you’re voting for ME, you’ll have to navigate the site if you’re bothered.
[EDIT] actually i’ll be a good sport, here are my gay lyrics:
VERSE: Take it from someone who’s already been there, You don’t want to rush into a desperate affair, Because the way to someone’s heart ain’t through underwear, Sex can’t manufacture love just outta thin air, There’s gotta be more, you’ve both got to mutually care, Grow to depend on their happiness even when it’s unfair, You think you’re over-weight or a terrible dancer, But there’s no problem to which sex is the answer, Sex is the question and ‘yes’ is only sometimes the answer, And if you get the question wrong it’ll rot like a cancer, So don’t take the chance on hasty romance, Itís excusable to die from aids but not from ignorance You gotta respect yourself and take a stance, Nobody falls in love at the first glance, Donít be so quick to get under the cover, You’ll find there’s one thing that you’re gonna discover, Its not the sex that gives the pleasure, but who you choose as your lover
CHORUS Don’t be afraid of what anyone does or says, Because in the end you’ll be the one who pays, Don’t be afraid to put sex on the shelf, Don’t be afraid to have respect for yourself.
I want to be sedated.
Second day in a row whereby I pass out from 2pm-10pm due to the all infamous jetlag. I anticipate spending the next 12 or so hours online, watching frasier and eating some toast with bovril. But enough about me, lets take a look at the current affairs in the world today
1) Snakes on the plane is numero uno on the US Box Office. Nevermind that critics are calling it “the worst best movie” you should watch, and everyone i know has called it the funniest shitpile ever.
2) K-Fed made his debut and his marketing representative probably paid all the news agencies to write things like “Federline Raps, and He’s Not Half Bad”. As if riding off Britney’s fame isn’t bad enough, he had her introduce his act at the Teen Choice Awards also known as, The people who know the best music awards. If anyone dares tell me that you need talent to succeed in pop culture, imma PoPoZao your ass.
3) It turns out Osama Bin Laden wanted a piece of Whitney Houston and wanted to kill Bobby Brown. Of course people are sucking it up like a frappuccino not realising that this is written by his sex slave of four months a good 10 years ago. Nevermind that it could possibly be propaganda say from the obvious lines like “he would be willing to break his colour rule and make her one of his wives.” and “her husband Bobby Brown, whom Osama talked about having killed, as if it were normal to have women’s husbands killed.” would be the kind of things an Islamic extremist would say in order to capture the hearts of his suicidal goons.
4) SanDisk releases an 8gb music player, hoping to capture some of Apple’s gigantous 87% market share. Apple bigwigs laugh on, as they continue assraping their consumers with overpriced inferior products. A waiter overheard them saying “Seriously, would you tell your friends that you have a SanDisk music player? It’s like boasting that your sports car is so much better than the new 911 Porsche and then saying it’s a Nissan. LOLROFLMAO!”
5) The infamous kinkypugkevin was caught saying that he likes little school boys. And I quote “hey find me a nice boy and bring him back for me thanks“, undoubtedly to his dark little pedophillic lair.
That’s all for the Suckball news. Stay tuned for more.
*blink*
and summer gone.
Everyone on the block had seen the movie before me. Even though it had been out for years, we didn’t have a lot of money, so a VHS copy of a 1987 cartoon featuring a scene where 200 robotic sharks with human heads chant ba weep grana weep ninbon was not high upon our family’s purchase list. For this reason I’d heard all the rumours already, kids all up and down the street and at school had flirted with the idea of Optimus Prime dying and in fact some fucking derelicts had actually outright told me, but I refused to believe it could happen.
Don’t get me wrong it’s still one of my all-time favourite movies but things were just down-hill after Prime’s death scene.
Possible improvements to that scene:
1. Not appointing a successor, just letting the Autobots duke it out for the Matrix so as to avoid giving it to that pussy Ultra Magnus.
2. Prime saying “Ultra Magnus, it is to you…” and then reaching the Matrix out to him, then a black Autobot called Pimpatron voiced by Chris Rock going “Niggaaaaaaaaaaa Whaaaaaaat??”
LEAD ROLES:
Now I know, Optimus is not strictly the lead in the 1985 version but it is my steadfast belief that any film that features an 80 foot robot who constantly defies gravity and logic, says immortal lines like “one shall stand and one shall fall” and partakes in one of the greatest scenes in cinematic history to the sound of “You’ve got the touch” by Stan Bush is therefore starring said robot. That particular scene engulfed my life pretty much from the ages of 6 to my late teenage years. A typical primary school morning conversation would go a little something like this:
Mum: What do you want for breakfast, James?
Me: Petrorabbits
Mum: What?
Me: Petrorabbits. Or energon chips.
Mum: You’re going to be late if you don’t tell me.
Me: All I need is a little energon
Mum: You have –
Me: — And a lot of luck.
Mum: You have to stop this.
Me: Megatron has to be stopped no matter the cost.
It’s incredible in retrospect how my utter love for Optimus Prime managed to completely blot out in that scene that:
a) Gunfire that had for the previous 10 minutes been laying waste to about 60% of the entire Transformers cast was now falling off Prime’s chest like Paris Hilton’s clothes at an orgy; and
b) Prime leaps into the air and his trailer disappears into thin air.
Anyway I’m pretty sure John Voight is not as engaging as Prime as a screen presence, in spite of the Lead Actor Oscar, so I have to give the nod to Prime here.
Springer was like the only autobot except for Prime that actually kicked any ass. I think it’s a fair assumption ass-kickery and abs will be Tyrese’s sole function in this film. Since even Tyrese can’t kick Megatron’s ass I imagine he’ll be some kind of lippy fighter pilot like Will Smith in Bay’s Independence Day, except without the charisma, gay locker room innuendo, acting ability, reason for existing whatsoever or repeated need for you to tell his momma than he “never made a whack jam”.
I hate Springer. He’s dull and green and gets beat by a fucking Junkion to the soundtrack of a Weird Al song.
He also manages to waste one of the best lines in the movie by saying “I got better things to do tonight than die” while loading a 300 foot missile and then spending the remainder of the film very narrowly escaping death.
SHIA LEBEOUF v. WHEELIE
This could quite possibly be a defining moment in Shia Lebeouf’s young career. He is currently probably top five on my list of all-time most annoying and for what reason exactly are you famous again list, but to possibly overtake Wheelie as the most annoying in a Transformers movie? That could really be something, although I don’t honestly think it possible unless despite playing a useless kid he delivered his lines epic Orlando Bloom style or ended every sence with y’all or something. I don’t know. To be more irritating that Wheelie is something I can’t even fathom.
In the Transformers it’s not like they found Wheelie at Alphia Trion shooting the shit of Vector Signma, they found him on a remote planet populated by a narcissistic robotic judge and an armada of robotic sharks with human heads and Grimlock and the dinobots just choose to integrate him into their ranks for the simple reason that he bears an autobot insignia. Thorough.
Shia Lebeouf annoys me. He managed to ruin Constantine for me.
JOSH DUHAMEL v. HOT ROD
I lump these two together because Duhamel is like the young cool dude and Hot Rod is called hot rod for fucks sake they’re appealing to the same demographic. That and their shared ability to make really really poor decisions. For example:
(i) Jumping in front of Megatron and thus providing him with a human shield and subsequently allowing him to blow the shit out of Optimus Prime, in spite of Kup telling him repeatedly to fuck off.
(ii) dating Fergie.
I hate Fergie. Whenever I see her I think of… Well I think why is she famous but I think of mah-jong tiles. She looks like an elderly Chinese woman for fucks sake what gives.
I have absolutely no idea what role Bernie Mac is going to be playing in this film, as I have no capacity to understand where he could possibly fit in a movie about battling alien robots, but then again I have no understanding of where he could possibly fit in life. I merely lump these two together because I fucking hate both of them.
As a child, before I saw the movie I had the Magnus toy. It was fucking fantastic. It was huge and it was kinda like Prime but not. But then the movie came out and for a moment I sat watching the movie with my Magnus, when it turned it he was Prime’s ‘chosen one’. Following this Magnus makes two key decisions, flee their Earth base and blow their ship in half, before being beaten to a pulp by Galvatron. Die.
The infinite gloss of Pirates of the Caribbean seems to be subsiding a little bit and it’s therefore probably the best time as any to take that top of the box office position, so…
Nope.
It’s interesting that this film is about drug dealers dropping their loads and the subsequent picking up of such loads, because when I watched this film it made me feel like Michael Mann had just opened my wallet and his lower intestine had dropped a load of its own into it.
A COMPARISON OF DIALOGUES BETWEEN MICHAEL MANN’S HEAT (1995) AND MICHAEL MANN’S MIAMI VICE (2006)
Because she’s got a….. GREAT ASS… AND YOU’VE GOT YOUR HEAD… ALL THE WAY UP IT! FEROCIOUS AREN’T I!
Smooth thats how we do it zzzzzzzzzzzz
About half of this film takes place on a boat. Please don’t misconstrue this to think that this means action taking place on a boat. When I say half of this film takes place on a boat, I mean half of this film is people travelling to and fro on a boat. No fighting on a boat, no sex on a boat, not even a fucking interesting conversation, just people on a boat. Set to really shitty music.
The same shitty music thats played when the ‘relationship establishing’ portions of the movie are played. And when I say ‘relationship establishing’ portions, I mean sex in the shower. The only reason we know Jamie Foxx has a girlfriend in the movie is because he fucks her in a shower. Likewise the only way we know Colin Farrell and that Chinese chick who speaks English with as much grace as a fat person on a bicycle are into each other is that they ride on a boat together and then have sex in a shower.
In fact the only reason we know that this film isn’t about two gay detective lovers is that Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx DON’T have sex in a shower.
I read somewhere that Michael Mann had said that the final action scene of Miami Vice would rival the final action scene in Heat. This is complete and utter bullshit. The final action scene of Miami Vice would not rival the final action scene of Dead Poet’s Society for excitement. And the realism of Jamie Foxx forward rolling over a car-hood and then killing two people with machine guns who saw him coming with a pump action shotgun was such a solid and well formed hunk of shit I swear I could see corn in it.
Maybe the problem was that most of the film (as well as being on a boat) was also shot during the night and it made it difficult to see. I must be difficult to engage the audience when a shot is filmed in such dark circumstance.
Nope.
I don’t know what else to say. I’m struggling to come up with any redeeming quality whatsoever. I wasn’t even sure the movie was over when the credits came up. As far as I can tell, they let the guy at the head of the entire drug pedalling scheme go, and released a known drug-trafficker because she had sex with Farrell in a shower.