suckball

I’m back!
Due to the high demand for a piece of my ass, I’ve decided to list my prerequisites. So for those for do not comply, should not apply.In no particular order

1) You must be hot.

Well, maybe just this one is in order. I can not begin to emphasize the importance of knowing you’re hot. It doesn’t necessarily mean you need to be physically hot, as physical beauty only counts for so much, but there’s nothing that turns me off more than someone who lacks self-confidence.

Someone who thinks of themselves anything less than being the hottest person on earth really isn’t worth my time. Honestly, how could you actually look at someone and think “that person is a much better person that i’ll ever be”?
Well….actually being physically hot wouldn’t hurt either.

2) Matches my sex drive

This may be a little difficult to match, but worry not, i’m sure if there’s hormone therapy to reduce the drive, there has to be therapy that does the exact opposite. The fact that I wank to an excess of 3-6 times a day should give a general idea of my expectations.

If for some reason sex-drive-increase therapy doesn’t exist, the individual must be willing to “service” me several times a day. *

3) Must not drink beer, own any apple products and is not religious.

I’m slightly lenient on the religious part, applications will be accepted as long as the individual is not in any kind of religion that believes that there’s only one god. Any kind of religion that disregards the existence of other religions in the world is bound to cause problems. Simply conforming to such a religion automatically labels you murderer, no less.

Own an Apple product? Read here, and here**
“My wife wants to get a mac. I think that’s grounds for divorce”
Beer is classless. It’s served in a burly man mug, tastes like a burly man’s cooking, causes a burly man burp and has a burly man smell. I’ve yet to meet a hot girl who drinks beer and i’m pretty damn sure they don’t exist.

4) Must not be easy

James and I, along with every other male i’ve ever conversed with on this topic, agree that there’s no bigger turn off than an easy lay. It prematurely ends chase, desireability and kills anything to look forward to. I have been guilty of doing the leaving-the-morning-after (and they were in no way unattractive mind you) but to my defense, it’s like waking up next to coyote ugly because appeal really just disappears after orgasm.
As pimp master Jay-Z puts it,
“You know I, thug em, fuck em, love em, cause I don’t fucking need em”

Yeah you feelin’ me? (Though I’m not entirely sure what “thug em” means)

5) Non-Materialistic

People who are materialistic are compensating, and you can quote me on that. Be it title, wealth, cars, social standing, race…the list goes on. Of my entire list, I don’t think there’s anything lower than a materialist, well maybe apart from a religious hypocrite.
“Coz we’re living in a material world, and I am a material ho.”

6) A democrat

The fact that George Bush got elected to be a President and he’s a republican should give you a clue.

7) A narcissist

This matches to 1) but there are points that it doesn’t cover. I believe that everyone should be a narcissist, anything else would show weakness, lack of self confidence and self respect. Looking up to somebody and believing they’re better than you simply puts yourself down.
Being a narcissist doesn’t mean that one should look down on everyone, that’s being ignorant. My list of idols are far and wide, ranging from Muhammad Ali to Mother Theresa. But all I have for these brilliant people is nothing more than just respect. Yes Mother Theresa dedicated her life to saving thousands of lives, but my life isn’t worthless simply because her path is different than mine.

Set the benchmark.
A non smoker

Read here

I’m gonna be the first to put this out there. I back Valencia to win it. I know there’s a high probability it won’t happen but I am equally confident there there is every chance it will. I am also gonna put this out there. Raul Albiol? Best defender in the world in 7-8 years, best defender in Spain without a doubt. Forget Sergio Ramos and the 18 Million Pounds spent on him. This Valencia youth set-up graduate is where it’s at.

Canizares - despite having been playing professional football so long I believe he may have been written about in the bible - is still (Sorry Petr Cech) the best goal-keeper in the world and in front of him (as well as aforementioned Albiol) sit the unholy duo of Roberto Ayala (who is still eating centre forwards and cavalier midfield pretenders up for breakfast) and David Albelda (who I think might think he is not a football player but a bounty hunter or something).

The summer acquisition of one time Chelsea target, Joaquin at right wing adds balance and is helping to compensate for Miguel’s some-time neglect of defensive duties, and taking some of the onus off of Vicente on the left who is still looking for his first positive contribution of the season. Don’t worry, he’ll find his form soon. I thought he had half way throug the first half of their game at the Camp Nou, but a pass I thought he had played accurately to Villa’s feet actually ricoched off of Zambrotta.

Up front of course, Valencia suddenly for the first time in their history find themselves with a triumvirate of really good players. I have no fucking idea how David Villa managed to fly under the radar for so long because he is now, in my mind, undoubtedly at the very least the third best striker in the world, and the ones ahead of him are two and four years older. The man can literally do nothing wrong, everything he seems to do ends up in the back of the net, including one that he struck from the half-way line against Deportivo La Caruna last season.
In addition Morientes seems to have regained the form that Benitez almost pushed out of him and we still have a guy called Fransisco Tavano, who was brought in from Empoli for 6 Million Pounds and was Newcastle’s first choice before being forced to go for Obafemi Martins.

Barcelona are of course still the favourites, having been light years ahead of everyone except Arsenal last year and strengthening shrewdly over the summer (an art seemingly elusive to all of the Premiership’s managers with perhaps the exception of Arsene Wenger). Although that’s not to say there isn’t unrest, as Thuram spoke out this week about his dismay at being left on the bench. It’s understandable considering the guy is probably the best defender in the world whose name isn’t Fabio Cannavaro. Ronaldinho is still Ronaldinho and Eto’o is still the best striker in the world and a fucking gazelle. I often wonder if he ever goes for a morning jog and ends up in Iceland or soemthing.

What’s interesting however is that they haven’t chosen to bring in an anchor midfield, the one position I felt they lacked last year, instead choosing to let Van Bommel flee to pasteurs new, attempting to fill the boots left by Michael Ballack at Bayern. It’ll be interesting to see if Leo Messi fulfills his promise this season, since he seemed to tail off last season and has been eratic this. Giuly still thinks he’s good enough to play professional football and I will enjoy seeing him completely phased out this season when people realise all he can do is run really fast.

Lyon it has to be said look like something of a steam-train. After demolishing Real Madrid they sit easy at the top of their group and something like I believe sixty five points clear at the top of Ligue 1 with five games played.

Eric Abidal has suddenly since the World Cup become the hottest property at left back in the world. I don’t know enough about him to make a joke so I’m going to leave it at that. In midfield they will certainly miss Mahmadou Diarra - who capitulated to Real Madrid in the summer after bitching and threatening to go on strike - but he has been replaced - ish - by exciting prospect Jeremy Toulalan who they grabbed from Nantes. This guy has everything, but not even that is not as much as midfield counterpart Juninho who literally can do anything on the pitch. He frequently scores free kicks from the parking lot and sometimes while still in bed. He was given his chance at the world cup when it was realised that all the Brazillians ahead of him were vastly overrated and he seized it immediately with a performance that warranted continuity lest reputations not overrule.

Either way, Lyon are very very strong and I wouldn’t ever bet against them, I don’t care who you’re backing, not even if it’s Barca.

I doubt it

I have absolutely no idea what the hell Inter Milan are doing. Three red cards in two games and a home defeat to Bayern Munich. I can’t say its not surprising considering the fact that the team features Ivan Cordoba, Marco Materazzi (you may remember him from such moves as the flying elbow, the knee breaker and probably at some point features in Dawn of the Dead whenever people bodies are being torn apart at the torso), Patrick ‘holds the record for being sent off in the Champion’s League for three different teams’ Vieira, Walter ‘the wall’ Samuel and Zlatan Ibrahimovic who thinks being sent off is funny.

I also forgot Fabio Grosso in that list of shame, who was sent off with a straight red on Willy Sagnol for being skinned down the wing and then realising instead of trying to win it back/hold him up it would be much easier to just floor him with an elbow to the face.

Don’t be surprised if they spontaneously combust, especially since either Mancini is fucking Ibrahimovic on the side or he is a fucking moron and refuses to play Adriano up top. I wouldn’t go near them with a dollar.

Liverpool of course, don’t have a shot in hell. They lucked out two years ago and after being found out last year, they’re going to get shot-down with equal ease this year. Problems? No strikers of any sort of world class pedigree. Bellamy can run but can’t finish, Fowler can but he has no pace and Crouch doesn’t have either.

Positives are a fucking awesome midfield, but it really has the ability to do is win the ball through Sissoko and then pass you to death via Xabi Alonso. Gerrard’s isolation on the right is a huge problem and I’m counting the days until Rafa Benitez finally realises that there is such a thing as a three man central midfield. I shudder to say it but Pennant is just as effective as Gerrard on the right, so what’s the fucking point.

At the back if the England - Croatia game is anything to go on, Carragher is a real problem at the back and even though Agger is looking awesome, early season it will certainly not be enough to keep out Champions League strikers. I hope if Liverpool navigate their group they get drawn against Valencia, I would love to see Rafa Benitez get pissed on by the team he walked out on (fucker) and you know that if Galatassary are scoring two goals on you at Anfield, David Villa is gonna kill you.

Although that said, if the England - Croatia game is anything to go on, Manchester United are in big, big trouble. Ferdinand is getting found out more and more and I’m literally at a loss as to what the point of Michael Carrick is. I defy anybody out there to tell me what his purpose is. Even before the Croatia game exposed him for the fraud he is, all I was are he was able to do was pass over long distances. I can’t remember the last time he has ever put a good ball on for anyone, and even in a three man central midfield, with protection from Scott Parker he still doesn’t have the ability to make the space he needs for himself. Everything he can do, Paul Scholes can do better, and he cost nothing, and oh yeah, he was already at the fucking club.

Ferguson needed an anchor midfield, so he splashed 18 Million Pounds on the footballing equivalent of an appendix. Mahmadou Diarra who feasts on the ground up skulls of gladiators only went for 6 Million Pounds more than that. Fucking hell. There are literally millions of younger, stronger midfield players you can get that would do a better job than Michael Carrick. Tomas Rosicky is in my opinion in the best three central midfielders in the league and he cost something like 7 million.

But to be honest, that 18 Million downfall shouldn’t really be what’s concerning you. It should really be the fact that Ole Solskjaer had to save you from a fucking draw with Newcastle aka. couldn’t buy a fucking point. Rooney hasn’t scored since he was slamming hookers and Louis Saha is as good at football as Kevin Federline is at rap music.

A referee tries and probably fails to for once get Joe Cole to shut the fuck up

Don’t expect too much either, Chelsea, you might have depth but you are not equipped to win the Champions League. Shoving a bunch of central midfielders between your defenders and your strikers might grind out wins against piece of shit teams like Man City but I promise you will get found out against teams that are well organised. You should have been found out by Werder Bremen, but Petri Pasanen slipped over and Miroslav Klose fucked up two clear chances.

Frank ‘the Shank’ Lampard is still operating under his shoot on sight policy for England which was nice to see, saved us the complication of actually winning a game or getting a single shot on target. He might just be the most overrated of all time, not just right now.

Also, sorry to say this, but John Terry is no longer John Terry. I hope he proves me wrong over the course of the season.

Which brings me to Arsenal. It’s fortunate that Henry hasn’t been prolific recently because it has forced Robin Van Persie to BECOME FUCKING AWESOME. The guy cannot stop scoring. The only bad thing I can say about him is that he runs like a girl. And his hair is stupid. And he was arrested on suspicion of rape. Oh yeah, and also how he wins penalties, taking off where the departed Robert Pires left off.

That guy spends more time on his back that dead people.

I rate Tommy Rosicky, Cesc Fabregas and Gilberto Silva. They’re all fucking awesome. Hleb is looking better than he looked last year and even though Ljungberg is still almost as overrated as Lampard and constantly looks like he’s going to fall over, he’s doing a job (of sorts). Ljungberg reminds me of that guy in the second Might Ducks movie that can’t stop himself when he’s skating really fast. He looks like he has this pathological need to - whenever he gets the ball - to run down the wing and then only when he is surrounded and has nowhere to go, to look up and/or get fouled then make a face.

AC Milan are finished. Any money you put on them is money wasted. Alessandro Nesa is still fantastic, and the unholy combo of Gennaro Gattuso and Andrea Pirlo is the only one which could possibly rival the central midfield capabilities of Liverpool, but somehow they have been even more impotent in front of goal. Shevchenko leaving left a gaping hole which has been filled by Ricardo Oliviera from Betis, who two years prior was allowed to leave Valencia for a minute fee.

Gillardino up front is not enough for you to win the Champions League.

Peace.

Chinaman went to milk a cow,

Ching chong chinaman didn’t know how,

Ching chong chinaman pulled the wrong tit,
Ching chong chinaman got covered in shit.

Should stick to engineering.

I for one don’t know much about politics, so I stay far away from it. When I hear a clueless american try to school people about world politics and come up with something like

“i don’t even know whether japan and korea have problems”

You just know they’re beyond any kind of hope. And yes, discussions about not blowing up the whole of South East Asia  because “our economy will crumble, all the cheap stuff come from there!” is by far the second stupidest thing i’ve ever heard….First being this:

“Is that a fax machine?”
“Yeah”
“Does it fax?”

My friend is right, these people need to be sterilised. Darwin’s theory isn’t working out too well with all the treehuggers around.

Confession is always weakness. The grave soul keeps its own secrets, and takes its own punishment in silence.

Flat out I’m gonna say this. It’s without a doubt the best movie I’ve seen in years, and probably one of the best I’ve seen in my life. I haven’t gushed in a review for a LONG time, but this one fucking deserves it. The only thing that I have bad to say about this movie off the bat, is the reports I have read that the screenwriter, William Monahan didn’t read or see the original because he wanted to infuse his/Scorsese’s flavour into the picture. This is complete bullshit. I’m not sure if the reports of this are bogus, but if they aren’t gimme a fucking break, there are so many things that happen EXACTLY the same as in Infernal Affairs. But whatever, I don’t want to rag on this movie at all.

This film is Martin Scorsese’s best ever work. I don’t give a shit about Raging Bull and I certainly don’t give a shit about Goodfellas once I’ve seen this juicy mother fucker. Casino was my favourite Scorsese piece up until today and even that can’t compare. Personally, I didn’t really like the guy’s work, I don’t think he can do third acts. But my fucking god this movie is fantastic. Scorsese is regularly fucked over at the Oscars and I usually say ’so what, the Aviator was shit’, but if the guy wins this time I will be the first to clap.

While it’s ostensibly the two young players, Jack Nicholson is really the star of this movie. A lot of people in the MTV generation (technically me) don’t appreciate Nicholson. You kinda have these sketchy memories that he may or may not have played the Joker at some point, and you know he was in that hemerhoid of a movie About Schmidt. You also are aware of his involvement in the movie that felt it necessary to show Diane Keaton’s fifty year old breasts (Something’s Gotta Give). The point is though, you don’t remember when he was in Chinatown and One Flew Over THe Cuckoo’s Nest - the good shit. Well my friends, the bastard is back. Off the top of my head I think Jack Nicholson has been nominated something like twelve times for an Oscar and he has won three of them. That is fucking legendary, and if he wins one this year do not be surprised. He chews up scenery like he’s Kirstie Alley at Pizza Hut.

I’m one of those people who prefers Ben Affleck to Matt Damon. I don’t know why, I can’t explain it, I know Affleck is a colossal ass and his chin could level a city block, but for some reason he just seems to be more interesting. It might be because he dated J-Lo or it might be because Matt Damon is blander than a fucking slice of white bread. The man has absolutely no charisma. Look at the Oceans’ movies, it shows, he looks like a fucking tool whenever he shares the screen with any of George Clooney’s squad who isn’t the techy geek or the chinese guy that can summersault. He delivers a usually bland and uninspired performance in The Departed, but its not enough to rock the movie because everyone else involved is busy generating Oscar buzz. Also, is it just me or for a person who grew up in Boston, does Matt Damon not have the worst fake Boston accent ever? Everyone else seems to have no problem with it, but Damon’s I just want to punch in the face. Is it his accent? Or is it just the fact that he’s Matt Damon?

Okay so I lied Mark Wahlberg isn’t doing shit either. He is also sporting the worst hairstyle ever known to man. But even though he isn’t doing anything, you love the scenes he’s in beause he’s either saying ‘woop de fucking do’, ‘fuck your mother’ or punching Matt Damon in the face which just doesn’t get old. I don’t know why but I realised during this movie that Mark Wahlberg’s mouth is fucking ginormous. Boy scouts could camp in that fucking thing. It’s like a canoe. There was one scene where he was shouting at Di Caprio and I was concerned that he might actually swallow him whole. When this movie goes to DVD you’ll probably need a widescreen or they’re gonna have to include a new pan & scan feature.

Leo Dicaprio is probably one of the top five young actors of his time. You’ve got Christian Bale and Ed Norton and off the top of my head I can’t really go further than that. He is pretty much peerless. And in this movie he gets to show just how fucking good he is. Opposite Damon he looks like fucking Jesus Christ. His performance is airtight, perfect. I can’t say enough good about the work he did on this film so I’m just gonna leave it there.

The pacing of the movie is frantic and it fits perfectly. There’s about twenty minutes before the titlecard and it works beautifully. It’s vicious from start to finish both with the action and with the humour, completely remorseless. As with all Scorsese joints there’s plenty of blood, people being beat to death with poles and beer mugs and all that shit.

I’m not sure I agree with the blow jobs Monahan is getting for his screenplay when it’s basically a lift of the original. He’s getting so much praise for ‘dealing with such a complex storyline and chronology’ but it was already right fucking there for him. What the fuck?

There’s definitely enough here to make this Scorsese’s biggest earner ever, I’ve no doubt it’ll make over $100 million, but whether it’ll finally get him an Oscar I’m not so sure. Babel hits this year and a bunch of other really good looking stuff (Fur looks fantastic and Little Children is having critics orgasm in the cinema). Either way it’s a hell of an achievement, and the song that plays perfectly through the movie is ‘Shipping Up To Boston’ by Dropkick Murphys.

Peace.

There I was, doing my 80th daily googlenews stalk, and then I have breasts in my face.
Google, no longer rated (U)

My fried rice with turkey, egg, mushrooms, dried shrimp and fishballs. I’m a great chef.

And here is my friend Drew, who got head butted for calling his friend an “ass”. Mind you, this “friend” is a judo olympian. So when a judo olympian goes after you, chokes you with his two hands and crushes your nose with his head, you don’t fight back.

I’m giving serious consideration to allowing a book of something I wrote to be published. However I’m also considering retailing/marketing it myself. The purpose of this post is to see what kind of interest there would be in such a fantabulous piece of literature. You can email me or leave a note, I’m just interested to know how enthusiastic people about the thing. Thanks. It’s fairly safe to say that it’ll be the best book ever written, and should I market it properly, it would outsell the bible, but I’m relishing the challenge.

Here are a few of the top 20 search strings for suckball

1. Ashanti
2. Ball sucking
3. France soccer team
4. Bonsai Kittens
5. .
6. .
7. .
8. cubicow
9. .
10. .
11. www. john travolta.com

The second my eyes glanced over that search string, I was ready to slit my wrists open with a blunt spoon. Needless to say, I type that into google and find Suckball second on the list…..nevermind that the bright blue text link screaming SUCKBALL.COM - JOHN TRAVOLTA.

I don’t know what bothers me more, the fact that a search for john travolta brings people to Suckball or that SEVERAL PEOPLE searched for the term www.john travolta.com after typing it in their bar didn’t work. JOHN SPACE TRAVOLTA.COM?!?! COME ON

I pursue further and search for the term www.john-travolta.com as that is the search term that google picked up and to my horror, we’re #1.

Just before slice open my jugular, at least there is some humour in being #1 in the search for John Travolta the scientologist guru. A summary of the linked article writes “As long as I have control over my body and have my own computer, the address http://www.john-travolta.com will never appear under my history….” Oh the irony.

Way to go in our quest to convince people this isn’t a gay site James.

——

John Stewart on stem cell research. Hilariousititiesies ensues.

Always look on the brighttt side of lifeeee

(Definitely worth the wait. Look for when the clock hits 1.50, 0.55, and Michael owen on 0.27)