That said, I’m in the middle of lectures, in the library where I should be finishing my coursework essay on Whether or not Roosevelt’s New Deal was a success (it was) and maybe planning my final graduate dissertation on a thesis of my choosing (Why the First World War can be traced back to the Franco-Prussion war and; why it is therefore completely the fault of a war-hungry German state). Instead I’m here typing this shit when I should really just be revelling in how many hits we have thanks to the video that Louis and I recorded while I was in Malaysia some FOUR MONTHS AGO.

All the same…

Casino Royale was a humongous piece of shit and confirmed two of my suspicions:

1. That Daniel Craig as James Bond is about as believable as Kevin Federline as a rap star.

2. That if you woke up and the first thing you saw was Eva Green, you would probably die. She is so ugly I can’t believe she is a Bond girl.

The Prestige pwned. There was never any doubt, but it did. It’s well written, well acted and well directed. It also has the unholy triumvirate of Chris Nolan, Wolverine and Batman. You cannot top this.

Finally, since my lecture is about to begin, in case you still haven’t taken my advice that I’ve been throwing around ever since Snyder signed on to direct, you HAVE to see 300 when it hits in March. There’s actually if you are interested in cinema or ass-kicking at all absolutely no chance that you haven’t heard about the buzz the trailer is generating. I’m fairly certain you could be at a Dixie Chicks concert and shout Sparta and a baby still in the womb would know what you were talking about.

Peace.

- I can’t wait to go home for cuddles, food, awesome sex and traveling (Not to mention the possibility of FINALLY joining the mile high club) AND back-scratches. *sigh*
- I don’t believe I waited this long to get myself a Playstation Portable. This thing is friggin amazing. Along with my new 22″ Widescreen LCD monitor, but that’s a different story.

One in twelve college males admit to having committed the legal definition of rape or acquaintance rape

90% of all campus rapes occur when alcohol has been used by the assailant or victim

55% of female students and 75% of male students involved in acquaintance rape were under the influence of alcohol or drugs when the rape occurred.

70% of college students admit to having been engaged in sexual activitity primarily as a result of alcohol, or to having sex they wouldn’t have if sober.

One out of five college students abandons safe sex when they’re drunk, even if they protect themselves when sober.

STIs can be spread through oral, anal and vaginal sex. The most common symptom is NO symptom at all.

These are the few things that are posted all across the Student Health Center (Clinic) which do nothing but give me a slap to reality about my very irresponsible sexual practices. With the amount of people I have slept with without protection (Not to mention that I didn’t bother finding out their sexual histor), is a huge cause for concern.

I need to get myself tested before my penis falls off, 5 years ago.

As he begins to raise his voice,
You lower yours and grant him one last choice,
Drive until you lose the road,
Or break with the ones you’ve followed.

K-FED THREATENS SEX TAPE

Nostradamus? PFFT, you ain’t worth shit.

November Baby
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because they’re one of a kind.

After:

not to mention the breakdancing in a suit. Explanation later.

Who am I?

“Ya’ll not ready”

And we never will be.

The rumours have finally surfaced, Britney Spears filed for divorce in Los Angeles because she had enough of feeding Kevin (Kevin Fed eh eh eh? get it?)

If you haven’t already heard the verbal diarrhoea that is called “PopoZao” that was SO HORRIBLE that he had to claim it was a joke in order to get attention, you would realise why i’m ecstatic right now. This divorce will ensure that we will never of K-Fed ever again, apart when he releases these few things

• Britney in bed - Oops I did impregnated her again
• Oh shit the family safe has been broken into and our amateur porn video has been stolen! ($2 million dollars transfered into a Swiss account without a name)
• How to bag yourself a rich woman with low self-esteem
• The deeper meanings of popoZao

So with that being said, i say RIP K-Fed, for you will now fade away faster than MC could Hammer his coffin nail down.

So to honour your demise…more like celebrate, here are some of the lyrics to PopoZao

[random streaming, laughing and grunting]
Toy all your thing on me, baby.
Toy all your thing on me.

In Portugese it means “bring your ass”,
on the floor, and move it real fast.
I want to see your kitty and a little bit of titty–
want to know where I go when I’m your city?

Girl, don’t you worry about all the dough,
because a cat is coming straight out of the “NO”,
ready to rock those shows all the way to Rio.
Bring that Brazil booty on the floor.

Up, down, all around:
work that shit to the funky sound.
Going to see where I’m going, oh?

Po, Po, Po, Po, Popozão, Popozão

Sniff, where else could you find such poetry in this day and age. Good riddance.

1. Hope that the referee has 20/20 vision

There were at least two occasions when Rafael Marquez should have been banished to the stands in shame. At one point he laid the law down on Didier Drogba and at another he broke the cardinal rule of manhood, but stamping on Michael Essien’s. A red card would have been nice on either occasion.

2. Play two fast wingers

Both the power and the potential downfall of the Barca system is that they have two wingers who stay out on the wing at all times. A leprechaun could land in the centre circle with a pot of gold and eighteen year old virgins and Ronaldinho and Leo Messi would stay out on the sideline waiting for a pass. It means that when they’re defending, the team don’t contract, and also that they never defend, although Ronaldinho is much much more culpable for this. So when you break on them, (especially since Zambrotta hasn’t had a good game since he was the best player in the world not named Cannavaro at the World Cup) there are only two ways that you’re not gonna score:

a) Puyol uses his level 3 super God Mode and does something special

b) Rafael Marquez stops your striker by ripping out his heart and dining on it

3. Pack central midfield with muscle

For some reason Frank Rijkaard refuses to dip into the transfer market to buy a good anchor midfield, in spite of the fact that the club has more money than Jerry Bruckheimer. For some reason he bums either Thiago Motta who has no ball control, or failing that, Edmilson, who has no self control. When you play a three man central midfield like Chelsea do, especially with Michael Essien ruining people all night, it’s inevitible you’re going to be overrun. Fuckin wise up.

4. Pummell Ronaldinho from behind whenever he receives the ball to his feet

Khalid ‘the cannibal’ Boulharouz proved this over the first leg and then Sergio Ramos emulated it successfully in the following ‘El Classico’. I would be mystified if he is ever defended in a different way again, seeing as how it’s obvious he’s going to destroy you if you let him run at you. Case in point? Bhoularouz has him under control for the entire game and then with twenty to go, his natural instincts get the better of him (the ones that earned him the nickname) and he tries to lop Ronny’s leg off. Ronaldinho flicks the ball over his leg and tucks a fucking fantastic outside of the foot pass into the path of Gudjohnsen that is so good that even he can’t miss it.

5. Hope that Samuel Eto’o is injured

I’ve seen Eidur Gudjohnsen not do a good fucking thing the entire season. Sure he scored against Chelsea but come on I could have fallen down and still put that in. Eto’o when fit is sleek and fast and the best striker in the world, Gudjohnsen is a steaming piece of shit. It’s like playing Xavi up front. I will attest to the guy having phenomenal technical ability (i don’t forget the bicycle kick that beat Leeds United 4 years ago), but I’m not exaggerating when I say this guy is fucking useless. He fits the Barcelona system like Nick Cannon fits the case of his new movie ‘Bobby’. (What the fuck is he doing there??)

6. Play your strongest centre half on the left side

I have no doubt that Fabio Cannavaro is the best centre-half in the game, and Roberto Carlos is having probably the best form of his life. Still, I saw Leo Messi - while being double-teamed by the both of them - take it to the no way out zone of the bottom corner of the box, and then skin both of them simultaneously. Sure, all he was able to do was play a perfect pass into the box for good old Eidur to sky straight over the bar for six yards, but the danger is there, you just have to assume that your left full back is as good as skinned, and have your best centre back ready to cover at all times, especially when your left full back is Cashley Cole and is shit.

—————

SOME AWESOME MUSIC

There should be no constant reader of this website that is single. Girls are suckers for musical taste, this is something I’ve learnt over the years, you have to judge the situation, but certainly the girl you’re interested in is somewhere on the spectrum between subjecting her to the music in your car/room and making her a mix-tape.

I promise you, if you have a chance with this girl (your personality isn’t vapid, you are smart, moderately good looking - notice she’s single isn’t a pre-req), the music can really be the clincher.

Anyway, here is a new list:

1. Joshua Radin and Schuyler Fisk - Paperweight
2. The Album Leaf - Streamside
3. Cary Brothers - Ride
4. Bell X1 - Next to You
5. Death Cab for Cutie - Brothers On A Hotel Bed
6. Sigur Ros - Agaetis Birjun (sp)
7. Five for Fighting - Easy Tonight
8. Halloween Alaska - Telling Me
9. Snow Patrol - You Could Be Happy <– always a winner
10. The Brian Jonestown Massacre - Seer
11. Joshua Radin - Winter
12. Mum - We All Have A Map Of The Piano

a) a music video of some dime-a-dozen rapper singing about whores and blowing someone to shit, shortly before thanking god/showing his tattoo of god/thanking the lord jesus christ for this chance to shine

b) ‘Yo Momma‘ - quite possibly the worst television show I have ever seen. If you ever wondered what testicular cancer would look like as moving images, this is it. I managed to stomach one episode of this hunking piece of shit just out of morbin curiousity and I can quite honestly say it was more painful than watching Lindsay Lohan’s Freaky Friday.

Wilmer Valdarama so desperately wants to be Ashton Kutcher and/or Black, except the way he tries to achieve both of these in one fell swoop compeltely renders the process inane when he tries to act hard while wearing a scarf and a plaid sweater vest. Note to Wilmer: You are not, nor will you ever be ’street’. My Little Pony is more ’street’ than you. You are a filthy rich hispanic actor who once dated Ashlee Simpson. You are not ’street’.

c) ‘Sweet 16‘ - wonderful, another show about brats who have to deal with the trials and tribulations of having too much money. This is a must see.

So anyway, I don’t get to see that many music videos. But that got me thinking, that probably means that most people my brother’s age have never ever seen the mother of all music videos - Thriller by Michael Jackson. It’s the story of Mike out on a date with some young lady, when suddenly…

Look at the state of that. That’s ridiculous, considering this was back in 1983. That’s some hot shit make-up. Anyone who has seen the video will appreciate the power of it, I’m gonna be honest, it will fuck you up. They could make the prequel to Silence of the Lambs, and it would just be a shot of a six year old Hannibal Lecter watching the Thriller music video and I would buy it.

Anyway, about a minute after that whole wearwolf thing and six years after she stops screaming, we find out that it’s actually just a movie that she and Michael are watching in the cinema. She doesn’t appreciate it too much and makes Michael - as all women invaribaly do - leave this awesome movie and walk her home.

Yeah, the movie where Michael Jackson (who’s right there with you) turns into a fictional wearwolf freaks you out, but you have absolutely no qualm with walking through an empty LA street past midnight.

Anyway, you know the drill, zombies rise from their graves and then - inspite of not being able to hold their limbs together and/or walk in a straight line - manage to form a perfect circle around Michael and his date. Then, in a camera dolly that would make Kubrick fawn, we see Michael is a zombie too. He then goes on to defy all logic by busting out some sweet dance moves.

Following on from this I cannot not mention probably the scariest contemporary music video(s): ‘Windowlicker‘ and ‘Come to Daddy‘, both by Aphex Twin, both directed by Chris Cunningham.

Cunningham is a make up genius. There is no doubt, and both of these videos still haunt me to this day, take a look at a shot for Come to Daddy:

Much of the video for this is basically those things chasing you down the street. Windowlicker is equally disturbing, it’s about these two black guys who roll down the street looking for some chicks, when they’re abducted by this limo full of girls. Anyway, someway and somehow all the girls’ faces are suddenly transformed into this grotesque version of this guy with a goatee. I’m not even going to post what is remotely close to being the horror of what happens in this video, just this picture, which is pretty bad, but nothing compared what really transpires towards the end:

A lot of people seem to think that the video ‘Evil’ by Interpol is scary. I dont think so at all, but I’m gonna take the chance to mention it because the band are one of my favourites, and the song is something I listen to a lot. Here’s what the video consists of:

Don’t get it personally.

The video ‘The Kill’ by 30 Seconds to Mars is pretty scary on two levels:

a) because it’s lifted the setting from one of the scariest films ever, The Shining and there is a fair amount of blood/dead bodies

b) because that he would take the time to make this self-indulgent video means that Jared Leto actually thinks people actually give a baker’s fuck about his music.

Here is a link to the video, you can pretty much be sure that your band is a piece of shit and you are completely self deluded when considering yourself a rock-star, when of all those comments I can see, not one of them says anything remotely positive about the song, and at least three of them sport the linguistic magnificence of a crayon, the best they are able to muster being:

“HE IS HOTT HOTT HOTT!”

or my personal favourite, (in response to the band’s music video):

” did u know that Jared Let is 35 years old?? old and hot!”

I would love to see what would happen in some alternate universe where Jared Leto hadn’t done well in Requiem for a Dream and become a bonafide star, hence being able to lend his starpower to his shitty band. It’s ridiculous how some of my favourite bands like Halloween Alaska and Bell X1 get absolutely no love, where as this piece of shit cookie-cutter goth puke rapes the airwaves because it stars that guy who was so hot they cut his scene out of Phone Booth.

Anyway, yeah that concludes that. A song to listen to, you ask? ‘Next to you’ by Bell X1

1) You must be hot.

Well, maybe just this one is in order. I can not begin to emphasize the importance of knowing you’re hot. It doesn’t necessarily mean you need to be physically hot, as physical beauty only counts for so much, but there’s nothing that turns me off more than someone who lacks self-confidence.

Someone who thinks of themselves anything less than being the hottest person on earth really isn’t worth my time. Honestly, how could you actually look at someone and think “that person is a much better person that i’ll ever be”?
Well….actually being physically hot wouldn’t hurt either.

2) Matches my sex drive

This may be a little difficult to match, but worry not, i’m sure if there’s hormone therapy to reduce the drive, there has to be therapy that does the exact opposite. The fact that I wank to an excess of 3-6 times a day should give a general idea of my expectations.

If for some reason sex-drive-increase therapy doesn’t exist, the individual must be willing to “service” me several times a day. *

3) Must not drink beer, own any apple products and is not religious.

I’m slightly lenient on the religious part, applications will be accepted as long as the individual is not in any kind of religion that believes that there’s only one god. Any kind of religion that disregards the existence of other religions in the world is bound to cause problems. Simply conforming to such a religion automatically labels you murderer, no less.

Own an Apple product? Read here, and here**
“My wife wants to get a mac. I think that’s grounds for divorce”
Beer is classless. It’s served in a burly man mug, tastes like a burly man’s cooking, causes a burly man burp and has a burly man smell. I’ve yet to meet a hot girl who drinks beer and i’m pretty damn sure they don’t exist.

4) Must not be easy

James and I, along with every other male i’ve ever conversed with on this topic, agree that there’s no bigger turn off than an easy lay. It prematurely ends chase, desireability and kills anything to look forward to. I have been guilty of doing the leaving-the-morning-after (and they were in no way unattractive mind you) but to my defense, it’s like waking up next to coyote ugly because appeal really just disappears after orgasm.
As pimp master Jay-Z puts it,
“You know I, thug em, fuck em, love em, cause I don’t fucking need em”

Yeah you feelin’ me? (Though I’m not entirely sure what “thug em” means)

5) Non-Materialistic

People who are materialistic are compensating, and you can quote me on that. Be it title, wealth, cars, social standing, race…the list goes on. Of my entire list, I don’t think there’s anything lower than a materialist, well maybe apart from a religious hypocrite.
“Coz we’re living in a material world, and I am a material ho.”

6) A democrat

The fact that George Bush got elected to be a President and he’s a republican should give you a clue.

7) A narcissist

This matches to 1) but there are points that it doesn’t cover. I believe that everyone should be a narcissist, anything else would show weakness, lack of self confidence and self respect. Looking up to somebody and believing they’re better than you simply puts yourself down.
Being a narcissist doesn’t mean that one should look down on everyone, that’s being ignorant. My list of idols are far and wide, ranging from Muhammad Ali to Mother Theresa. But all I have for these brilliant people is nothing more than just respect. Yes Mother Theresa dedicated her life to saving thousands of lives, but my life isn’t worthless simply because her path is different than mine.

Set the benchmark.
A non smoker

Read here