suckball

This article is semi-serious and not really funny, I just had to vent.

Well, I have had over the past two days the fortune of seeing these two movies, which I cannot begin to contrast so greatly. One of them is the visionary movie that finally sees Inarritu come of age and get the Oscar nominations he has deserved since before 21 Grams, and the other is the self-indulgent mess which saw Aronofsky come of age and completely undo all the great work he had done with Pi and Requiem for a Dream.

Or so people would have you believe.

I fucking hate Babel. Under regular circumstances, I would have to saw it’s a poor movie, but given the critical acclaim being showered on it like jizz at a playboy party I cannot help but hate the thing.

I remember seeing Amores Perroes (could be wrong spelling, don’t give a shit) I remember thinking what an overhyped hack of a director. I remember then seeing 21 Grams and thinking my god Sean Penn is amazing and Naomi Watts thoroughly deserves that Oscar. I don’t remember what happened between then and now but somehow I managed to fool myself into thinking that the unholy union of Alejandro Inarritu and Guillermo Arriaga were just short of Batman and Robin in the pantheon of awesome.

Given, Arriaga is the lesser of two evils, but not even he should be unashamed off this mess of a movie. The only people who should come out of this piece of shit with any sliver of dignity are the actors, and at least the Academy got that right with nominations for old Mexican maid woman and the girl who played the deaf/mute since she was fantastic. I actually about half way through the movie turned to my girlfriend and said this Japanese girl is amazing what’s with all the hype about Brad Pitt? Although don’t get me wrong, Brad Pitt was great, but only served to distract me marginally from Inarritu’s quite incredible ability to squander Cate Blanchett who is probably one of the best five actresses working today.

I promise you, for all the pretentious ‘listen’ bullshit this film throws at you, it’s not a very good movie. THe message is half-assed and forced down your throat with all the subtlety of anal rape. The film is so fucking mediocre.

And then The Fountain

This film is probably the best I’ve seen in the last five years if not ever.

People who know me will know how huge a deal it is for me to say that.

It pains me to acknowledge that this movie has not won a single positive review since its inception and that to my knowledge, I believe it garnered a healthy walk out rate and chorus of boos when shown at whatever festivals.

First and absolutely foremost, this movie fucking thrives on the musical score that kicks all manner of shit out of anything you have ever heard. Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman asking you for a threesome wouldn’t sound anywhere near as sweet as this movie sounds, I’m not even kidding. Darren Aronofsky and the Kronos Quartet are the ultimate bad boy cinematic combo.

The cinematography is legendary. Quite simply there is no other movie that you have ever seen that looks like this one. My previous favourite ever film - Fight Club - had great cinematography, but The Fountain shits on it, it’s not even a contest.

Which brings me to my next point. I say this after a lot of thought: Darren Aronofsky is probably the best non-Spielberg director working today. Now Spielberg is tops because he is just so absolutely bankable. If you have a turd of a script he will either come near it with a pole or make your shit shine, but Aronofsky is just a different league. I remember for ages seeing pictures of Rachel Weisz and him walking down the street with their kid and seeing him in his gay fucking shorts, white socks and dark shoes combo and think what the fuck, you know like when you first heard Bow Wow and Ciara were going out, but now I totally get it - man’s a genius.

I’ve spent years telling everyone that Fincher is the greatest director working today but even I have to step down today.

WATCH IT.

Dear Fans,

I’m sorry.

-Louis

p.s, Not really.

And that concludes my letter of apology to you, for the lack of updates. I’m being totally honest in saying that I genuinely feel guilty for not writing nearly as often as I used to, but instantly feel better when I think about how I’m aiding you stalkers towards personal growth. Seriously, my life isn’t THAT interesting.

(more…)

I feel that I have to cheat a couple of other movies somewhat so as to fulfil my life long goal of having a Greg Kinnear movie be my favourite of the year. I can now scratch that off my list along with a spawn of the Wayans clan (The Last Boyscout was tops for 1991). There is however the downfall of having to celebrate a movie that stars perennially overhyped and unfunny Steve Carrell and perennially ugly Toni Collette at top spot but hey, for the greater good I suppose.

I can only believe that it is testament to the awesomeness that this movie is that I watched this movie on New Years Eve while in my girlfriend’s extended family’s home with a bunch of people I had just three hours earlier had the privilege of meeting, trying to hear the movie over everyone talking and trying to see the movie through a bright red balloon that this family’s eight year old kept bouncing in front of my face.

Anyway…

**Before starting, I’d just like to pay tribute to those who ran it close: ‘The Fountain’ - I didn’t get the chance to see it so for all I knew it shits all over this. I doubt it though, it stars Hugh Jackman for fucks sake. ‘Pan’s Labyrinth’ - Guillermo Del Toro is one of the best directors in the world right now, he’s right up in my top three list with Fincher and Chan Wood Park. ‘The Departed’ - No movie where Jack Nicholson straps on a dildo can manage to not make top five of the year**

“Olive is a little girl with a dream: winning the Little Miss Sunshine contest. Her family wants her dream to come true, but they are so burdened with their own quirks, neuroses, and problems that they can barely make it through a day without some disaster befalling them. Olive’s father Richard is a flop as a motivational speaker, and is barely on speaking terms with her mother. Her uncle Frank, a renowned Proust scholar, has attempted suicide following an unsuccessful romance with a male graduate student. Her brother Dwayne, a fanatical follower of Nietzsche, has taken a vow of silence, which allows him to escape somewhat from the family whose very presence torments him. And Olive’s grandfather is a ne’er-do-well with a drug habit, but at least he enthusiastically coaches Olive in her contest talent routine. Circumstances conspire to put the entire family on the road together with the goal of getting Olive to the Little Miss Sunshine contest in far off California.” - IMDB.COM

This film features perhaps one of the most disturbing final scenes of all time. Nah I’m joking it’s amazing and disturbing and somehow funny all rolled into one. That’s a stupid place to start writing never mind forget I said that.

Who the fuck would have thought that Greg Kinnear would ever be in anything worth your time. ‘Matador’ was the most overrated piece of shit I have ever seen and it took three efforts to watch the whole thing through and only served to confirm my suspiscion that milking as many James Bond movies as he possible could - including the one where a full Michael Jackson body operation can make an Asian look like Toby Stephens - was the greatest move Pierce Brosnan could ever make. Greg Kinnear is so good that he can make Friends suck. Think about the worst Friends episode you ever saw. Granted, your mind automatically goes for any of the ones where Pheobe sings, but if you can look past that I’m sure its the one with Greg Kinnear.

Thankfully, Kinnear’s character in this is supposed to be a raging hard on so you can deal with it.

While it is unfair, it’s fairly obvious why Toni Collette doesn’t get the roles her talent deserves: she’s just not the most attractive person on the block. On any block. She’s okay in this though because she shouts at Greg Kinnear a lot.

I love how in that IMDB description of the plot they call Grandpa a ‘ne’er do well’…. Here is a quote from him: “Are you kidding me? It was a fucking paradise. They got pool… They got golf… Now I’m stuck with Mr. Happy here, sleeping on a fucking sofa. Look, I know you are a homo and all, but maybe you can appreciate this. You go to one of those places, there’s four women for every guy. Can you imagine what that’s like? I had second degree burns on my Johnson I kid you not.”

Steve Carrell continues his amazing streak of unrivalled unfunny which is sure to catapult Evan Almighty into the bin of inevitible suck later this year, but even that’s not enought to fuck with this steam train.

I realise that I haven’t said an awful lot of good stuff about this movie but here it is: it’s good. Check it out.

I don’t know where she has gone but it’s disappointing. I had actually kind of enjoyed the constant put downs, the constant insistences that she looks like her head was crushed in a vice from the top, or her eyes were too far apart, I like having to justify why someone’s hot, I don’t know why its just something weird that I like to do. Anyway, in memory of her recent capitulation into film and Jesse Metcalfe movies, here is a tribute to bygone years;

The lying on top of War Machine look is a no brainer. (That was a fairly obscure joke since I’m not exactly certain how concrete it is that Terrence Howard is gonna play War Machine to Robert Downey Jr’s Iron Man in the upcoming movie, but I’m fairly certain because he is a) the only black actor outside of Denzel Washington and Jamie Foxx with any kind of credability and b) he’s fucking awesome)

The problem with this look though is that she’s on top of Terrence Howard and not me. There is also a problem with the hair as I’d rather take an elbow to the windpipe than go out with a girl who has shitty straight hair. This is her first video though, so we’ll let her off.

In this movie that I haven’t seen where Samuel L Jackson plays a basketball coach who probably goes to some school in the inner city where the kids are fucking crack head idiots and then shows them discipline the Jules way. I’ve seen this movie a million times… didn’t it have Emilio Estevez and a hockey team?

Anyway ’street’ Ashanti isn’t a good look for her since I doubt she has ever been ’street’. It’s like when Wilmer Valderama tries to be street by saying ‘word’ and ‘break it down’ while wearing a plaid sweater/scarf combo, being flanked by a couple bodyguards and sleeping with Ashlee Simpson. He’s about as street as Captain Crunch.

I’m gonna be the honest this look is never good. There are at any time about five hundred thousand people walking the streets of England with this very look and not one of them looks remotely enticing.

I fucking hate the video for ‘Happy’ because for the first fifteen or so seconds you have to put up with that bullshit where Ja Rule pretends like someone gives a shit about what he says over the opening chords of any song. It’s not like he’s saying anything even remotely interesting, it’s always the same bullshit:

a) murder inc baby
b) we’re gonna keep making these (mother fucking optional) hits and shit
c) yeah
d) grrrrr
e) murder
f) m-u-r-d-e-r

It’s also a compeltely crap video where she continues the straight hair sickness and dances with backup dancers like a Destiny’s Child video. She does look very happy though - no doubt this was a clincher when she was auditioning for Coach Carter.

I have no interest in seeing this video because look at that fucking image you can barely even tell it’s her. She looks more like Amerie there. Although that said, the first time I saw Amerie I thought she was Ashanti. Only difference I would later find was the talent, staying power and the size of Amerie’s fucking thighs.

Actually I’m not even convinced that that is Ashanti.

I hate Nelly. There’s no way you could possibly look good turning up anyway outside a whore den in Atlanta on Nelly’s arm. I don’t know why he is so smug he barely even looks human. Next.

After two minutes of hard hitting research I’ve just found out that Ashanti is engaged to Nelly or at the very least sleeping with him which has to make this a sucker year for Christianity. Earlier in the year we saw the success of The Da Vinci Code which tore the Christian faith at the seams, but now evidence of an unholy union between Ashanti and the guy who’s lyrics are ‘andele andele mami ei ei oh ohhh’ can only serve as evidence that a loving Christian god cannot possibly exist. Unless he only loves Nelly.

What the fuck do his lyrics even mean. I don’t want to look it up because I don’t want ‘Nelly’ in my internet search cache since it’d be like having ‘Rob Schneider’ or ‘anal fisting’ in it, but I’m fairly certain he’s probably won some major awards in his time, probably a grammy at least.

That was it there was no punchline to that paragraph, I thought it was funny just as it was.

Just to counter-balance my hatred of Nelly, to present a multi-sided view on the subject, here are a couple of things worse than Nelly (he isn’t all bad):

1. The holocaust
2. The Atomic bombings in Hiroshima and Nagasaki
3. Lindsay Lohan’s performance in anything
4. Hurricane Katrina

Nelly blows.

Great look. Just, great look. I haven’t seen this rancid thing either but I want to. It’s like when I sat through two hours of the human torch trying to get it on with Scarlett Johansson in the Perfect Score. Undoubtedly this movie will be as pleasurable as forced anal penetration but knowing that she looks like that just makes it too difficult to pass up.

Also in this movie are (in descending order of hotness) Ashley Scott, Sophia Bush and Brittany Snow. Scott was the smoking one in Walking Tall who strips for The Rock and then he falls in love with her, enduring romance, permeable, just like Shakespeare wrote. Sophia Bush is the one who married Chad Michael Murray and then divorced him when she had the cracker jack idea that he might be unfaithful. Brittany Snow is the one who I believe was in The Pacifier. I’m not sure but I can’t be fucked looking up because if she a) was, then looking up info on her would be like looking up information on Goebels except without the historical significance and b) wasn’t, then who gives a shit who she is.

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#1 ROCK WIT U

Now I can handle Terrence Howard macking on Ashanti because he’s awesome. But who the fuck is this clown who gets to mess around with Ashanti on an island and an elephant. That is fucking living. I’m starting to think that backing dancers should be the number one wanted occupations outside of presidency and pimp. You get to fuck around with hot celebrities, maybe score with them and get none of the intrusive papparazzi because no one gives a shit about you until you do the second thing I mentioned.

Seriously, who gave a shit about Cris Judd before or after he banged J-lo? Do you give a fuck now? I certainly don’t, primarily because he wears those low cut native indian jobs and timberlands and probably also because he slept with Jennifer Lopez and now by definition has to shy away from the light since it burns.

Anyway, this video look is another no brainer. She looks awesome and wears a hat. The rest of this video could be a one cut, medium close up of Lance Bass pissing against a wall and it would still come in at number one.

Sorry I haven’t update for fuckin ages, I’ve had crazy stuff to do. Best Album of all time? Blackstar - fuck I don’t remember the name of album but its money. It’s the one with Definition on it.