Is it just me or is Jennifer Lopez the most hated figure in popular culture. Sure there are people who are dumber, say Paris Hilton and sure there are people who are more irritating, for example Lindsay Lohan but does any quite have the package that J-Lo has, rounded off beautifully with a little extra sass and extra topping of ‘bitch’? I don’t think so.
I know Scientology is trying to harvest our entire world’s celebrity population, but I’d think that snaring J-Lo would be a step back even for Scientology. And they have Jenna Elfman.
Have you ever read a Jennifer Lopez biography? Have you ever typed her name into Wikipedia? Have you ever watched the Jennifer Lopez THS on E? I doubt it, but still, I bet you every single one of you knows where she’s from. Here’s a quick multiple choice question:
Where did Jennifer Lopez grow up?
a) Seattle
b) Puerto Rico
c) The ‘block’
d) The Bronx
e) A crack den
Isn’t it amazing that even though all you really know about her is that she’s a hispanic actress/singer/megalomaniac, you’re still absolutely sure of your knowledge that she’s from either the ‘block’ or the Bronx? It’s because she won’t shut the fuck up about it. If you plummed for (e) I won’t hold that against you.
J-Lo is like the new Gloria Estefan. Gloria Estefan is pretty bad, but she has a couple of things on J-Lo, in that she can actually sing and that she was genuinely famous for that ability. J-Lo is famous getting boned by P. Diddy and for having an ass that defies logic and general biology:
JENNIFER LOPEZ’ ASS
This is a fairly magical phenomenon: you always see the ass first. Unless it’s a super mid close up, you’re seeing the ass first, let’s be honest. Whenever she walks towards the screen it’s like that scene in Independence Day when Vivica Fox comes running out and asks Will Smith what he’s looking at.
What is magical about the whole thing, is that you see the ass and think DAMN and then as your eyes rove slowly upwards trying to see who that continental plate belongs to, you somehow convince yourself that her face just HAS to be attractive. Then you get there and there’s a Shallow Hal situation going on.
JENNIFER LOPEZ’ MUSIC (WHICH COULD ALSO BE SIMILARLY TITLED ‘JENNIFER LOPEZ’ ASS)
Now it has to be said that I am not P. Diddy’s biggest fan. I’m still not certain as to how exactly he got famous, mulching off of the now all to familiar Kanye West style of musical advancement which in his case consisted of ripping off a bunch of songs by The Police and Queen and putting a rap verse where the singing was but whatever I can let that slide. I like Touch The Sky.
But what I find difficult to stomach is how after seeing J-Lo and popping massive bonage, he couldn’t just jerk her around, fuck her and then dump her. Why oh why did he have to give her a musical career?
I’ll always remember when “If You Had My Love” came out. She was new and hip and had a banging ass. At this point it was acceptable to like her because she hadn’t yet been reamed by half the east coast rap scene, but we got enough of a glimpse into her future when she decided to have the video break down half way into a piece of shit salsa dance routine which was to become a staple in her videos.
This was followed by “No Me Ames”, a duet with future husband Skeletor, lord of Castle Grey Skull which absolutely no one heard unless your girlfriend put the CD in the stereo and then you guys left the room or were in the middle of sex and therefore couldn’t get up to change the stereo back to… well… something in English.
“Waiting for Tonight” followed and predictably sucked, rounding out 1999 at number 8 on the US charts, with the only positive being that if you were epilectic there was a good chance that the flashing strobe lights in the video (which were not mentioned at the beginning) would probably thrust you into a coma before you were confronted with the tragedy of J-Lo’s face and/or dancing ability.
2000 went beautifully as the only single she released was “Feelin’ so Good” with Big Pun and Fat Joe tanked at 51 on the charts. I don’t even remember this song. I can only imagine that it’s because this is the only video ever when J-Lo didn’t stand out because her ass finally looked small.
Her next ‘hit’ was the fantasy video for ‘Love Don’t Cost A Thing’ or ‘……….what?’ This is really a landmark video not just for Jennifer Lopez but for human anatomical biology. Somehow, J-Lo managed to make an ass look bigger than ever before which is probably worthy of a Nobel Prize nomination at least. She also confirms my suscpicions at the end of the video that she’s probably a fucking cock tease.
Not content with Ashanti for reasons unknown, Ja Rule decided to throw his huge gnarled dick of suck at J-Lo and the result was her original version of “I’m Real” except with the word ‘Murder’ thrown in at twenty second intervals. J-Lo continues her streak of being the least desirable person in the video.
I’m gonna give credit where it’s due, here: J-Lo actually doesn’t look repulsive in the video for “Ain’t it Funny”. Let’s not kid ourselves though, the song is a piece of shit and so is her dancing which basically consists of basically tilting her head to one side and then the other.
Worth it? I’m not so sure…
And then came what I can only imagine is the crowning achievement in her portfolio, ‘Jenny from the Block’. Maintaining her break-taking consistancy of suck, she also manages to make a song which features the most self-centered lyrics AND video content ever. I know when she wrote this song (and by wrote I mean contributed the title) she probably got up and double pump high fived whoever was there with her, thinking that people were gonna hear this song and think yeah, she’s just from the block and somehow erase the memory of her being a bitch for the past three years from our minds.
The next hit was ‘All I Have’ with LL Cool J who by this point was well on his downward slide from one of the greatest rappers of his time to mediocre actor and part time rap verse in pop song. I don’t know what I can say the song blows and J-Lo tries to make like she could walk around in the snow with nothing but a waist length jacket on. I have to hope that the only reason LL did this was a vague hope he might get a chance to bone her after wraps.
The final nail in the coffin of an illustrious career was ‘Get Right’. Having realised that she had been the ugliest girl in each of her videos thus far, she tried to remedy this by having herself play all the characters in the video. She was finally the best looking in a video. I just watched this video on youtube and I don’t know what the hell she’s getting all the kudos for her dancing for I’m pretty sure I could do that. That said I am a dynamite dancer.
JENNIFER LOPEZ’ FILMS
J-Lo’s first achievement in her foray into film was ‘Money Train’ where she played the girl whose naked tit Wesley Snipes squeezes fifteen minutes in.
Following this, she earned critical acclaim for her performance as a hispanic actress/singer in Selena, earning rightful praise for this considerable deperated and clear pushing of her creative boundaries. I didn’t see the film and could give a shit what it’s about.
‘U-Turn’ followed in 1997 where she continued the work she had begun in ‘Money Train’, playing the role of girl who gets fucked by Nick Nolte. I guarantee nobody saw this movie in it’s entirity, cracking one out during the sex scene and then either turning it off or falling asleep. If you want a razz at this just google it I’m fairly certain you can find good pictures of the scene no problem. She’d want it that way.
J-Lo was in ‘Out Of Sight’ next, and was as a result of for the first time being in a good movie, was catapulted into the Hollywood A-list of leading ladies. The thing people seemed unable to notice was that the movie was important because Steven Soderbergh was directing, and was beginning to show why he’d be a staple in top five directors working today lists and because ultimate horn dog George Clooney was leading. Her only real achievement in this movie is that she managed to not fuck it up. They could have had a coyote as his love interest and it would have had the same effect.
2001’s ‘Wedding Planner’ followed and began what was a streak of movies I can fairly easily sum up as ‘J-Lo rom-coms’ or ‘Pieces of Shit’. After this was ‘Maid in Manhattan’, ‘Shall We Dance’ and ‘Monster in Law’. I happened to have the privelige of seeing each of them opening weekend since my then girlfriend fucking loved J-Lo and rest assured, they fucking suck.
I would end this section right there on a really really bad note, but that would be to waste an opportunity to pour more shit on to this heap that is already beginning to look like Everest. Yes, 2003 brought the wrath of ‘Gigli‘. Now I can only imagine that if this film had made more than the 30 cents it did that would have been a sure sign of the coming Apocalypse, but fortunately it rang true and tanked horribly, mainly down to J-Lo’s performance as the worst lesbian hit-man ever. The Time actually made this the first movie in history to receive a negative score from them.
JENNIFER LOPEZ’ ACHIEVEMENTS IN THE FIELD OF MARRIAGE
1. Ojani Noa
Lopez met Noa while he worked as a waiter at a Miami restaurant. Trying to keep the relationship in a good light she hired him as manager of her Pasadena restaurant but then when the alien of good will was finally castigated from her body she turned back to bitch over drive and fired him. Noa has since been trying to publish a book which she feels ‘portrays her as a cheater’. We can only hope this happens.
2. Cris Judd
After some relatively serious boning by the Bad Boy Record Label’s principle members and back room staff, she opted for one of her back-up dancers in a move straight from the Britney Spears school of stupid. This gave Judd his fifteen minutes of fame and he has since disappeared into the mediocrity from which he came, acting in such high profile roles as Judge #2 on the Wade whatever his name is dancing competition.
3. (almost) Ben Affleck
When the fog of crazy lifted, Ben Affleck quickly bailed and scored some tail at a local strip joint. Lopez found out from her sister and despite attempts by her no doubt to fix the relationship it crumbled and Affleck happily married a woman with a regular sized posterior and lived happily ever after.
4. Marc Anthony of Castle Greyskull
Talk about step back. Anthony is certainly punching above his weight, with his only previous love interests being former Miss Universe Dayanara Torres and Princess of Power: She-Ra.
And thus concludes the summary of the life of Jennifer Lopez. I know it seems like there’s an unhealthy amount of unwarranted hate there, but I promise if you look online or whatever you can find more than enough instances of Jennifer Lopez being a huge bitch.
