suckball

I was thinking today, what if Satan appeared in my living room while I was watching King of Queens and offered eternal companionship with either Rihanna or Cassie in exchange for my soul? It would be like fucking Sophie’s choice. I would of course dispense with my soul, the problem would be choosing between the two girls.

I’ve since decided that I can’t let this kind of thing go down to chance, I need to find out for real, just in case it happens.

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RIHANNA

To maintain my imaginary love affair with Rihanna I have to mentally block the fact that she has most likely been railed by Jay-Z (upon whose lips you could land space shuttles) and about a hundred random Bermudan raggae artists with shitty dreadlocks and tattoos of a marijuana leaf.

By the way for the purposes of this article, I’m also going to block out the fact that she made the song “Pon de Replay” because I’m pretty certain that it can kill a man at seven miles.

CASSIE

The biggest negative Cassie has against her is her fucking name. It is such a shite name for a famous R&B star. I don’t have anything in particular against the name “Cassie”, but when I try to look up pictures of her on Google images, I get one page of her and then about five hundred of random collegiate blondes who feel it necessary to upload pictures of themselves drunk and holding a beer.

Cassie is also in the unfortunate position of being a singer and yet completely unable to sing. I don’t hold this against her though. Holly Valance can’t act and I still think she’s smoking hot.

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FIRST SINGLE:

Rihanna - “S.O.S.”

I think that the Rihanna song “S.O.S.” is really sweet and has a wicked cool rhythm. It makes me want to dance. Hi my name is average female university student.

Let’s be honest the song is fucking unfortunate. The only thing good about the song is that part in the video where she wears green. You know it’s bad when Marilyn Manson has done better work with the same beat.

I also hate that guy who dances with her that may or may not be John Legend. I prefer to think it isn’t John Legend. I’d hate to thnk he’d had his friends on someone as hot as Rihanna because even though I’ve never seen anything candid with him his face makes me believe that he’s a stone cold cock.

Cassie - “Me & U”

People that say ‘u’ instead of ‘you’ in texts make me want to kill myself. That Cassie would have the sack to do it in the title of her first song is quite frankly petrifying. I seriously doubt that abbreviations like that will ever be cool.

That said, if you were unsure as to whether Cassie was crazy hot or blow your load on sight hot, this video confirms the latter. She does for black hoodies what Jesus Christ did for getting nailed to things.

There is not a single point of this video where Cassie doesn’t make the idea of seeing Angelina Jolie and Scarlett Johansson making out unappealing. Would it make the idea of seeing Ja Rule get punched in the face unappealing? I’m not so sure.

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SECOND SINGLE

Rihanna - “Unfaithful”

This video totally does it for me and let me tell you why. There are simply not enough instances of black R&B hotties getting it on with white guys. Now granted, I’m only half white but I’m ridiculously good looking and up until the time I saw this video I was worried that if I ever was to meet someone of that ethnic persuasion I’d have no chance because my parents just happened not to be African. I know this may be nothing to a predominantly Asian demographic, but I have serious aspirations of hooking up with an female R&B star. I’m really street.

And what’s more, Rihanna cheats with this Eurotrash looking guy, on a Black guy! This is a double bonus.

Also in other news she is crazy hot in this video.

Cassie - “Long Way To Go”

I know this is a killer for credibility but thing is, I actually like this song. I’m not entirely sure as to whether it’s because it’s Cassie or if it’s because I actually do like the beat but either way.

Problem is though, this is the song that made me realise she actually can’t sing at all. She’s basically just talking and her voice is all synthed up. Another problem is that thing she does when she walks to the club with her chicas and then the guy goes ‘you can’t handle it?’ Which is so totally don’t go there girlfriend. I’m not a huge fan of that but I’d totally make the concession.

I also have extensive knowledge on what goes into casting a music video (I saw Nick Lachey do it on Newly Weds) and so I know that the artist pretty much has the say on who the romantic lead is in the video, which means you’re basically choosing the person you want to mack on and not be called a slut.

Cassie apparently chose this guy:

Now this poses a problem because if this guy is her thang, than a) I’m not that and b) there are about a million of these guys hanging around on street corners in Harlem, which means she’s probably been railed by random g’s more than she’s had hot lunches. She’s also part of Bad Boy now, and I’m pretty certain, entry to that particular record label is subject to sex with P. Diddy, his entourage, The Lox, Ma$e and a vibrator with the Notorious B.I.G.’s face on it.

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It’s completely neck and neck but I think I’d have to go with Cassie given that I fucking hate Reggae music. Sure there’s a fair chance that Cassie has serviced the entire East Coast rap scene but no girl’s perfect.

I don’t particularly hate Arsenal, in fact I’d rate Arsene Wenger right up there with game’s greatest whingers and there’s no doubt he has an unrivalled ability to find a talented youngster at a tiny club and then mug him for a fraction of his actual worth. I was initially disappointed that Arsenal were going out, but in retrospect I’m of the opinion they deserved to.

It’s not like they did anything for the entire game that was even noteworthy. Even though they put PSV under ‘constant pressure’ that ‘constant pressure’ consisted of dribbling around outside the box and then either smashing it over the bar from twenty yards or playing it in to Julio Baptista to fuck up and then look around wondering what the hell happened. There was some endeavour shown about 70 minutes on when Wenger brought Thierry Henry on, but even he couldn’t spark them into life. Perhaps Henry should have tried a new strategy: like MOVING.

Anyway lets take a look at the clubs still in the competition:

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CHELSEA

Probably a foul

Of course I’m gonna talk about Chelsea first because as anyone who knows me or has read even one article on this website regarding football knows, I absolutely despise Chelsea. It’s not because the team are good and I’m jealous or some other equally gay bulletproof comeback Chelsea fans like to purport, no, it’s because the team is populated by, for lack of a better word, cunts.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate all of them, it would take the most hardened and heartless Man United fan to hate John Terry (direct your abuse to ‘Craig Morraies’ on Facebook as he is one such person fan), the man’s a rock and he plays the game fairly, which is fine by me. I also am a big fan of Michael Essien, even though he - every now and then - falls prey to the red mist and tries to take someone’s leg off. Petr Cech seems a good lad too.

But that’s about it.

Topping the pantheon of hate is undoubtedly Didier Drogba. I often wonder whether if I was to inhabit an alternate universe, whether I would least like to be a) The prisoner that flings his cum at Agent Starling, b) The Donkey in Shrek or c) Didier Drogba. He’s fucking awesome, there’s no doubt but he’s just a fucking wanker. He’s so big but he gets floored constantly by rogue gusts of wind and/or people getting to close to him.

Riccardo Carvalho isn’t far behind Drogba thanks to his amazing ability to hack the shit out of people from behind and then brandish the exact same token double hand raised what the hell did I do? look. He has no place playing professional football looking like that.

‘The Shank’ Lampard doesn’t really do anything to warrant my hatred except for the fact that he hugely overrates himself. He only has two abilities: passing and shooting. He has the pace of a wilderbeast and his ability to tackle is nearly non-existant unless it’s on some mullet like Steve Kabba who can’t seem to understand that when you bollock the ball three feet in front of you when you’re dribbling there’s a good chance you’re gonna lose it. And as for that shooting ability, let’s not forget how fruitful that was at the World Cup.

I could go on with my hatred for Cashley Cole and Makelele (cheat) but I’ve already spent too much time on Chelsea.

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BAYERN MUNICH

Roy Makaay can’t believe he’s actually scored

Bayern Munich are in such a bubble it’s unreal. Nobody outside of Germany think that they are any good and nobody outside of Germany and Man United fans think that any of their players are any good (Owen Hargreaves if that wasn’t clear). God only knows how they managed to dump Real Madrid out of the tournament, the only reason this was possible was because even though Bayern are a teeming mass of shit, Real Madrid are just that little bit worse.

Up front Bayern Munich have real problems. Roy Makaay hasn’t been good since he left Deportivo la Caruna and Lukas Podolski is only good when you’re playing Championship Manager. Pizarro looks good when he plays against second rate teams but against European opposition I doubt very much he will have anywhere near a chance of scoring goals.

In defence Van Buyten continues to show the form that made him a target for MANCHESTER CITY, only being propped up by the fact that Lucio is a beast. That said he still hasn’t mastered the subtle art of not gallopping up the field like a fucking bucaneer every other time he finds the ball at his feet. Phillip Lahm is great, but he’s a full back and his last meaningful contribution to a game was in Germany’s first match at the World Cup.

Oliver Kahn is still a fucking lunatic which is always interesting to watch. They were about 20 seconds away from victory against Real last night when Casillas came up for a penalty and then complained he was fouled. Now about 10 seconds away from certain victory, instead of just holding on to the ball and letting time run out Kahn decides to go fucking dog day afternoon on half the Real players and the ref. He’s fucking insane.

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VALENCIA

RUN FORREST RUN!

It’s fairly obvious that this article is gonna be biased because I am nothing if not that. For the first time in about five years there’s a genuine belief that Valencia can win this thing, even if that belief was started by me. The team grind out results like Chelsea did last year, Silva turns it up a notch away from home and no-one can get near our - sorry I meant ‘Valencia’s’ - goal at the Mestalla.

Miguel is one of the best right backs in the world and all across the back line there is equal pedigree. Moretti did a good job of bad mouthing Valencia’s behaviour after dumping Inter Milan out so hopefully he’s sealed his relegation to the bench in favour of Asier Del Horno who only last week made his debut. Ayala is playing as well as he ever has, probably sensing this is his last chance at the big time given his move to the talent graveyard of Villareal in the summer.

In midfield, Valencia are so good they don’t even need to start Joaquin. Despite spending a club record on him he can’t seem to dislodge Angulo from the right wing even though it seems patently obvious to everyone on the planet the team is much better when Joaquin plays. That said, over on the left Vicente (who was our best player two years ago) can’t make the team either, being kept out by Silva who I’m sorry looks like the ultimate chess geek. In this middle of midfield is where the problems are though, Albelda is consistantly turning down contracts as the Barca vultures circle, Baraja went off injured and Marchena is almost certain to serve a lengthy suspension following his part in the brawl with Inter.

David Villa’s constant linking away from the team is a MAJOR worry but I’m sure he’ll honour his lengthy contract. You saw his free-kick at Inter, right?

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MANCHESTER UNITED

Scoring when no one’s ready never gets old

It would be easy to be mean to Manchester United but the truth is I’m indifferent to their chances in the Champions League. While everything seems to be going their way domestically they seem to possess the uncanny ability to make hard work of every tie in Europe. Lille are - let’s be honest - a piece of shit and they should have been steamrolled within minutes.

The loss of Larsson is a puzzling one, given Saha is out for four weeks, Solskjaer is always out and Alan Smith is crap. Something tells me Smith’s outstanding ability to hold the ball up from a punt won’t really be what Man United need when they want to win games. Oh yeah, and Rooney hasn’t scored a Champions League goal since his debut hat-trick. I know all that bullshit about class is permanent but that kinda stuff plays on your mind.

Ronaldo continues to be the best player in the world even though he’s a cocky mother fucker and has the endeavour to defend down the right like Michael Jackson has the endeavour to stop sleeping with children. I’ve had too many arguments about how superfluous Michael Carrick is to write anything here, so I’m just gonna skip over it (he sucks) and move on to Ryan Giggs who’s contribution of gay skanky quick free kicks is never superfluous. Paul Scholes is always a potential match winner, since he’s continuing to be great in the twilight of his career so long as he isn’t trying to commit second degree manslaughter on other midfielders. He’s been playing professional football at the highest possible level for 10 years and he still hasn’t learn how to tackle!

At the back Rio Ferdinand and Nemanja Vidic continue to be the best central defensive pairing not playing for Valencia (hah), winning any ball that is in the air ever. I swear Vidic is playing in Nike Air Jordans or something.

All of that said, and this is in no way a reflection of my disliking Man United, I really don’t think they have the juice to win the Champions League (sorry). Injuries up front have conspired against them and I really don’t think Ferguson has the tactics down right in Europe - why play Rooney on the left? At home? - so unfortunately I believe the domestic double is all that lies in store for this team.

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LIVERPOOL

I won’t ever fully forgive Rafa Benitez for running out on Valencia but even I have to admit the guy has it right in the Champion’s League. This is what I’m talking about when I say that Ferguson doesn’t really have it right in Europe, because Benitez has it absolutely perfect. The team is so well balanced and so well organised that even the obvious weaknesses in attack are fairly offset.

At the back Finnan is still defying all logic by looking at home in the Champion’s League. Although it’s not hard to defend Ronaldinho nowadays after Chelsea patented the stick your foot up his ass and never let him turn approach has successfully turned pretty much every football fan in the world against him. As if him putting on some weight magically makes him shit at football, talk about an ridiculous paradigm shift. Carragher a couple of years ago suddenly emerged as one of the most dependable centre halves in the world and he’s still right up there today.

In midfield Liverpool are a veritable embarrassment of riches. There are about a million ‘new Vieiras’ in Europe nowadays but Momo Sissoko is really the only one who can stand up to that comparison. Abou Diaby might be there one day but right now the only thing Sissoko lacks is goals, defensively he’s already there. Xabi Alonso can thread a pass through a fucking midget’s legs from 50 yards and is strong in the tackle too. Stevie Gerrard is captain fucking fantastic wherever he plays, whenever he can motivate himself, and Javi Mascherano is the most underrated player in the Premiership.

Up front Dirk Kuyt runs marathons for the cause but I can’t shake the fact that he looks like a cross between a martian and the leader at a Nazi rally. Peter Crouch is still ridiculously overrated by the whole world, failing to win headers over people at least a foot shorter than him.

Technically the team is far too light weight up front but I genuinely think Liverpool have a really good chance of at least getting the final due to the tactical supremacy of Rafa Benitez.

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PSV EINDHOVEN

LOOTERS

I don’t know that much about PSV but I’m sure that Alex is amazing. He basically single-handedly won the tie for them against Arsenal, scoring at both ends and winning any aerial ball within a 5 mile radius of him.

This team has very little hope of progressing any further in the competition since pretty much every else they are light-weight. Jefferson Farfan is pretty good and was absolutely owned by Denilson in the box towards the end of the Arsenal game but that attack was one of just a handful - not really enough to win the cup with.

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AC MILAN

Again? Not likely

Like Man United, AC Milan managed to make incredibly hard work of a poor team in Celtic. It seems like Ancelotti doesn’t give a flying squirrell anymore and the team has really regressed following last season in the wake of the match-fixing scandal.

Having Dida in goal is always a plus given he’s about 23 feet tall with palms that eclipse the sun. In front of him Nesta is and will always be great and Maldini won’t stop playing till his joints enforce his retirement. Bonera came in to play at right back but the only thing of note I’ve heard about him is that he threw a punch at Yohan Gourcouff at one of their training sessions.

In midfield, at first choice, Milan probably have the best central pairing in the world. Gattuso and Pirlo are the ultimate partnership, covering pretty much ever single base needed. Seedorf does the job out wide but it’s not really his favoured position and his game is generally now reduced to long range shots and no look in field passes with the subtlety of enforced anal rape.

It’s up front however where Milan are in real trouble. Gilardino is literally the worst striker in the competition. I’ve seen silverback gorillas with better positional sense. His basic forte is the tap in which is about as fucking impressive as being able to walk upright. The closest I’ve seen him to scoring recently was in extra time against Celtic when Seedorf took a shot that spooned wide and then he bent down and looked at the floor while running in what I have to assume was a half-assed attempt to head the ball in. Inzaghi was good about twenty years ago and I’d be worried about relying on Kaka to bail them out of trouble because no other defence in Europe is going to let you run straight for forty yards and then skin the last defender at half speed to slot between the keepr’s legs like Celtic did.

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ROMA

Whatever

The only real beneficiaries of Lyon’s quite amazing post Christmas slump were Roma who should have been wiped out by Juninho et al had they been on their pre new year form. Spalleti is punching way above his weight with a very average team with only four or so good players.

Two of those players are found in Roma’s defence, in Philippe Mexes and Cristian Chivu. Hopefully when Roma make their play for Cisco Tavano Valencia will be able to pawn him off for one of the two because they’re as good as anyone in Europe really. They’re a big part of why Roma are still in the tournament and why they’re doing will in Serie A. But god knows why they went there in the first place, both could have gone anywhere they wanted and they chose to play for Roma? The kit is gay and such a shit colour, I’d never play for Roma.

In midfield, Daniel de Rossi is good so long as he isn’t trying to decapitate someone. He’s strong in the tackle and is exactly the kind of player Manchester United need. In fact if I was Alex Ferguson I’d make him top of my transfer targets, him and Robinho. Anyway. Mancini scored an absolutely wonderful goal to put the Lyon tie to rest, but I refuse to allow one moment of magic to change my opinion that his over-ratedness is shadowed only by Andriy Shevchenko and Frank ‘the shank’ Lampard.

I don’t really know if Francesco Totti is still any good. I doubt it. Whatever, this team has no chance anyway. They might be the worst team left in the tournament.

Like most people, I like to exercise my brain and let my thoughts run away with me. I often wonder what I a full blown bout of involuntary anal leakage would look like metaphorically represented by film, alas, I wonder no more, as Ghost Rider is pretty much as accurate a representation of the pain, suffering and general discomfort an affliction like involuntary anal leakage would produce.

This movie is absolutely horrific on so many levels. This movie sucks on levels not even known to man. Or the devil.

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JOHNNY BLAZE aka. GHOST RIDER

I only watched this movie because Nicolas Cage is my favourite actor. Without him this movie would have been absolutely intolerrable. With him, I’d give it a half out of ten. Thousand. And about a quarter of that half was down to Eva Mendes’ breasts (more on that later).

Thankfully, I know that Cage is a huge comic book geek with a Ghost Rider tattoo and so I can delude myself into believing he only took the project because of his interest in the source material and said tattoo. I refuse to believe he signed up because he read the script and thought yep that looks like a winner. It would be like looking at the script for Leprechaun in the Hood 8: Die Mofo Die and thinking it looked like a winner.

Cage does what Cage does which is basically what Johnny Depp does only better. He brings his typical brand of cool and quirkiness to the role which is basically its only saving grace since every other thing about this movie reeks of my ass. Whenever he becomes Ghost Rider the movie instantly descends into complete crap. Every single one liner in this movie blows.

ROXANNE SIMPSON aka. BREASTY MCBREASTS

Is it me or does Eva Mendes have the moistest face in the universe? She looks like a fucking oil slick. An oil slick with a great set of cans. She got stood up at a tree by Johnny Blaze thirtyish years ago and then she got stood up by him at a restaurant and then she’s in love with him. It’s like Casablanca only with motorbikes.

BLACKHEART aka. WORST VILLAIN EVER

I have absolutely no idea the thought process behind casting the faggy kid from American Pie as the ultimate bad ass who defied the devil and now wants to raise hell on Earth. THe only notable power this guy has is the power to grow sideburns.

We don’t actually see him do anything of note except make some trailer hick turn black. HE IS DANGEROUS. When he ultimately faces off with Ghost Rider he dies because he looks into Ghost Rider’s eyes. Yep, it’s that stupid.

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THE PANTHEON OF VILLAINS

If you deny that anything sucks in this movie you cannot possibly deny that its the villains. These guys would have trouble being the most hard-assed on an episode of Friends. Let’s have a quick re-cap on how Ghost Rider disposes of each of them:

Earth: This guy rams a truck into Ghost Rider. He marvels at the astuteness of his execution and then Ghost Rider taps him on the shoulder, laughs and then he’s dead.

Wind: This guy appears on the rooftop where Ghost Rider has just driven up a skyscraper for no apparent reason. He then pushes the Rider and then flies around laughing at nothing. Then Ghost Rider spins his chain around and it ignites into flames and then the wind guy is dead.

Water: Nicolas Cage is riding through a swamp and then suddenly he is pulled underwater by the Water guy. He should have died without question since he was being choken WHILST being held underwater but suddenly his face ignites and he’s Ghost Rider and then the Water guy is dead.

Since the villains were based on the elements I have to assume there might have been another one (fire) although it’s understandable I might have missed its death since Ghost Rider probably just looked at him and then that was it.

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CONCLUSION

Well this is the movie’s conclusion not my actual conclusion: After dispensing with the son of the Devil with the help of a busty reporter and a SHOTGUN, the Devil appears to tell Blaze he’s taking the curse back. In a fantastic twist, Johnny Blaze doesn’t let him. How?

He says no.

That’s it. You know that you cannot fuck with a ‘no’. That shit is binding. I don’t care if you’re the Devil and you I don’t know where the one to GIVE the power. Once Cage says no, all bets are off.

Fuck this movie sucks.