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The Classic IQ Test
Brought to you by Tickle

According to this IQ test (which I took seriously), I scored a 133. I have absolutely no idea what that means, or how it is weighted, but a person with a 130 score is supposedly ahead of 98% of the world’s population. Which means that there’s 120 million people smarter than me?

IMPOSSIBLE. This system is flawed.

The end.

Somehow, there’s a chance that WONG KAR WAI might actually be my favourite director. Usually when people ask me, I always go with FINCHER or ARONOFSKY, and sometimes, depending on when the last time I saw MAGNOLIA was, PT ANDERSON. The reason being that I really dislike and maybe even hate all of WONG KAR WAI’s films. Thing is though, his direction is absolutely incredible and the visuals are wonderfully seductive. I couldn’t sit through the whole of 2046, but I got through three quarters on it just because I was so drawn in by how beautiful the film was. Anyway, click HERE to check out the trailer for WONG KAR WAI’s first English langauge film, the upcoming MY BLUEBERRY NIGHTS (which will open this year’s Cannes Film Festival). The film stars Norah Jones, Jude Law and Rachel Weisz.

I’m one of those people who thought that SPIDERMAN 2 was a masterpiece. So it’s extremely disappointing to have to see SPIDERMAN 3 fail so miserably. I literally mean it when the best part of this movie was Bryce Dallas-Howard. I’ll put my hands up and say I was only moderately aroused when I saw her in THE VILLAGE, but homegirl is SMOKIN hot in SPIDEY 3. Which asks the question, why the fuck, in what universe would Peter Parker ever choose MJ Watson over Gwen Stacy. This films just promotes bullshit if we’re supposed to believe he would go for that bitchy hack, whose only enduring plus is that she’s a red-head. But I guess they’re ‘in love’, and so the bullet-proof movie romance mechanism wins once again (even though she’s a bitch and he’s a superhero, but go figure).

The other huge problem with this movie was concerning the villains. I will always believe that a superhero movie is only as good as its villains. That’s why SUPERMAN RETURNS sucked and why the DVD cover of BATMAN AND ROBIN can send Mongolian tribes fleeing for their lives. Thus, SPIDERMAN 3’s massive failing was in the department of villain development. The SANDMAN spent most of the movie doing absolutely nothing. That’s basically it. He goes to see his kid and then he robs a bank. That’s it. But the thing is, that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that due to Avi Arad’s constant busting of Sam Raimi’s chops, VENOM was forced into the movie in the way that dicks are forced into Paris Hilton - just for effortless satisfaction. Problem is though, now arguably Spiderman’s coolest villain is wasted on twenty minutes of the gayest, least cool guy from THAT 70’s SHOW. Part of why Venom is cool is because he looks fucking bad ass. For some reason, it was decided that whenever Venom was on screen in SPIDERMAN 3, we should probably tone down the coolness and have Eddie Brock reveal his face all the time. It’s just retarded. The character sucks. Venom should have been the ONLY villain in the movie and he should have been played by someone who unlike Topher Grace was a) able to say ‘WE ARE VENOM and b) not a faggot.

Basically there’s just too much shit going on in this movie. There’s also a part of the movie where Peter Parker decides he’s the ugly one from FALLOUT BOY that’s banging Ashlee Simpson, and goes on a parade around New York being a douchebag, before capping his whole fall from grace with a grandiose dose of hi MJ, look at how much of a prick I am. On the positive side he does (albeit inadvertently) smack Kirsten Dunst to the floor. Maybe now she’ll think again before doing MARIE ANTOINETTE.

Whatever, the movie sucks. I can’t write a proper review because I have an exam tomorrow and I’m nowhere near ready.

ALSO, just a quick note on Paris Hilton’s 45 day prison sentencing. All of you people that signed the petition to jail Paris Hilton, HERE, with notes like twat ‘Ian Gould’, who says Make an example of her. Compulsory sterilization. Fools like her must not be allowed to breed are fucking idiots. It’s okay to take digs at her when she wears a shitty dress, falls of a motorcycle or sucks some guys dick, but this is prison we’re talking about. I absolutely despise Paris Hilton and everything she represents about our culture, but I don’t want her to go to jail, certainly not for 45 days. Jail isn’t just you being locked in a room and unable to do anything. It’s not even shitty meals. It’s you getting fucked up in the shower by some big bitch with a metallica tattoo just because you’re Paris Hilton, and that’s just unfair. That’s not justice. All she did was drive with a suspended license. If you could guarantee me that she would just be left to do her time, then yes, I’d vote for it, but that’s just not gonna happen.

45 days is just fucking excessive. And you people are fucking assholes if you think she deserves to “end up as someones lesbian love slave, then shanked in the showers”, as number one cunt muscle ‘Brandon’ proposes. That’s just wrong, you guys act as if she skull fucked an orphan child or karate kicked your grandma or something. I really don’t think it’s funny or clever to say shit like that. Prison is supposed to be about your inability to do what you want for a given time, and to be forced to sustain on only the most meagre circumstances. I believe she should be granted this guarantee, if she has to go away for 45 days. I truly feel sorry for her. Even though I really do not like her.

This letter is in response to your speech at the hearing on the “practice of extraordinary rendition”. I understand you are a really busy man and might have forgotten what you said, so allow me to recap.

“One person — if we let, if in order to protect the rights of one or two people, or five people or ten people, who are mistakenly abducted because their names were the same or because they went to a mosque that they didn’t know this thing was going on in the back room, if 10 of those people suffer those consequences, but in order for us to take 90 other people off the street who are intent and involved in plans that would slaughter tens of thousands of our citizens, I’m afraid that’s the price we pay in a real world.”

zing!
All I have to say is, bravo Mr Rohrabacher. You tell it how it is, and everyone else tells it how it might be and I respect that. Sometimes people forget that freedom comes with a price, and the cost of this “freedom” is the accidental torture of a couple of people. Come on, it’s not REALLY that bad if you think of it in a cosmic sense, so Why are people making such a huge fuss over extraordinary rendition may save thousands? So what if a dude is kidnapped, tortured, thrown into the streets a year later, child dies of starvation, wife does prostitution to feed the family and gets aids etc. So what if this family ends up to be another one of those families that blame America for what happened to them, and vows to punish those who put his family through hell for “no reason”.

Well excuse me Mr, maybe if you weren’t so negative, you might realise that the torture of you and your family could’ve potentially saved thousands of lives elsewhere. If you don’t, it’s obvious that you ARE indeed a terrorist for you don’t see the greater good in our actions, and in that case, deserved what you got. In fact, you should be happy that you now played a role in saving the lives of thousands of others overseas. I bet the thousands of dead Iraqi civilians who are now in heaven with 71 dark haired virgins are going “thank you America, my death saved 1/10th of an American life.” Unless you are really a terrorist, in which case you deserved the torture. HA!
And what about those damn liberals who are against this cause. It’s not like you’re pushing for the eradication of the middle east or anything (What a great idea though. It’s like what you’re doing but better. If we totally destroy the middle east, there wouldn’t be anymore terrorists!). These terrorists need to be found in order to save lives, and if we can’t beat them, we have to join them, and by god you’re doing a good job. Dictionary.com defines a terrorist as “a person who tries to frighten people or governments into doing what he/she wants by using or threatening violence.” Frighten? Who wants to frighten? Take action I say!

In closing, I really enjoyed your speech and I could totally understand your patriotism. Torture should be accepted today as they were centuries ago. I mean, why can’t people understand that torturing just works? If torture was put on a halt because of tree hugging liberals back then, them pesky witches would still be flying around casting spells on men, causing adulterous thoughts to fill their heads. Oh those witches.

‘I Hope It’s Your Families That Suffer’ - Rohrabacher.

I don’t know about you guys but I google myself every now and then. I do quite a lot of stuff on the internet and I now work as a writer for another website, so I had a quick search to see what was going on in the world of me. Anyway, while I did find several of my pieces, I also cannot help but be overwhelmed by the attention my festering piece of shit song that I wrote is getting, especially since unlike the other songs which were done for the whole safe-sex initiative in England, mine is actually getting fairly regular radio play. Feel free to check it out, if you listen to it with an open mind and your expectations are as low as possible I guarantee that you won’t be disappointed.

Anyway, the point of this is to bring attention to just how ridiculously poor R&B is today, if people genuinely think that the song I wrote - which I can only describe as “less than turd-ly” - is something they’d like to listen to. This is genuinely how I actually got into writing the song:

Some 50 Cent music video just finishes… an advert starts, which would eventually be for a nationwide competition to find the best song-writer to write music for a Safe Sex campaign… I’m watching it with my brother, Jon

Me: 50 Cent blows.
Jon: Nah, he’s the future.
Me: Mos Def is the way.
Jon: What the fuck do you know about rap music anyway?
Me: I’ll show you, mother fucker.

And that was it. I basically went upstairs, took out a piece of paper, and wrote down the most half-assed collection of corny phrases and rounded it off with a little bit of the captain obvious moral lesson, to make the whole thing come together like ass cheeks.

I would at first glance consider it ludicrous to believe that people like my song. But a quick reflection on the state of R&B right now tells its own story:

DIDDY FEAT. KEYSHIA COLE - LAST NIGHT

This song is abominal. Over the piss poor clap clap beat is some of the worst lyrics I have ever heard. However, I’ve been known to hum along to THE GIRL ON TV by LFO, which has words that can only have come together by chance, so I can generally forgive shit like that, except to appreciate this song you have to deal with the sound of DIDDY trying his level best to carry a tune. And it’s just physically impossible. I don’t know who the fuck on god’s green earth told DIDDY he could sing because he just can’t. And it’s a shame and also a comedy that in the video with him is KEYSHIA COLE who has probably one of the best vocal ranges in R&B right now. It’s unfortunate that it’s basically a rite of passage right now that if you want to be a successful black musician right now you have to get railed by DIDDY.

Making the band is one of my favourite TV shows and it gains a whole new appeal now because I get to watch DIDDY repeatedly tell people that “You’ll never make it in showbiz if you can’t sing playboy”. Talk about hypocrisy.

ROBIN THICKE - LOST WITHOUT YOU

Robin Thicke is what would happen if Ricky Martin and Orlando Bloom stopped trying to fool people into thinking they were even the least bit heterosexual and made a baby. And then if that baby grew up, new reached puberty and then decided he was Justin Timberlake, he would pretty much be the guy in this video.

I don’t even want to say this song is a piece of shit because it’s so blatantly obvious.

CRIME MOB FEAT. LIL SCRAPPY - ROCK YO HIPS

This song would be great if I hadn’t heard it a million times before. Like maybe if NELLY and all those other similar sounding rappers hadn’t reamed out a billion songs that sound exactly like this. Also, I don’t want to be harsh but the chick with the blonde hair in the video is so ugly, if I saw her in an alley late at night, I’d give her about 5 seconds to prove she was human before I smashed her in the face and ran like the chick in THRILLER.

This song perpetuates the commonly held theory amongst rap artists that having a bunch of people bounce around is basically the ultimate aesthetic. I don’t know who started this shit but it has to stop.

Now, let me take you on a journey back to when Rap music was good…

and the man Mos Def himself…

And also, I want to talk for a moment about who I perceive to be the greatest freestyle rapper of all time. Someone asked me this the other day, and I honestly believe that the best freestyle battle rapper ever to grace a mic is an Asian. I know he gets a lot of heat because his debut track was a piece of shit, but I have no doubt in my mind that JIN is best ever. I’m not at all going to try to make like JIN is the best rapper ever, a lot of people can write a lot better than he can. But off the top of his head? No way.

Bare with this video because Jin absolutely mercs this clown:

And by the way Louis, that’s how you embed a video =)

Now that would be a lie because I think it’s something more like…a bazillion years.

First things first, the future of suckball.
Surprisingly, Suckball still maintains an average of 500 unique visitors a month, a significant drop from the 800ish we were getting last year, but we do have lives. I’ve grown bored of this layout, and it is pretty restraining (though very aesthetically pleasing) in terms of archiving and things. Articles are hard to find and move as I see fit…I don’t like that. I wish to get back to our old layout. Takes a little more time on my/James’ part to post updates, but it’ll be a whole lot more flexible.

Next, bitching about people who bitch about me bitching about movies.
I can’t stand movies that waste my time, and many movies achieve this by adding things that don’t make any sense. I can already hear the haters going “Yeah, lighten up. It IS a movie.” True, but all movies have to adhere to strict rules in physics, biology and even chemistry to ensure they flow properly unless stated otherwise.

Take for example, The Matrix. The movie started off with some really trippy stuff (mouth scene) but then later explains why it is all possible. Wait, sorry. The Matrix is a horrible example because Neo later creates an EMP shockwave from his fingers in the real world and never explained how the fuck that happened, which led to eternal, dead boring discussions by pretentious “intellectuals.” (Note: If the computers relied on humans as power generators, don’t the humans require nutrition? And if nutrition is required for the humans, surely there are other much more efficient ways?)

Which brings me to The Last Samurai. There was a dispute between James and I about this movie. He likes it, and I think it’s an utter shitpile. Honestly, I would rather chew on my testicle than to watch that movie again. To summarize, American hero goes to Japan, gets owned by samurais, learn their ways in 2 days, bangs the wife of the person he killed, surpassed their fighting skills in less than a year when they have been training their entire lives, oh and is the ONLY SAMURAI WHO LIVES IN THE END. They go on a kamikaze run into an army to meet a rain of bullets, canons, mortars…. Every other japanese gets ripped apart and he gets a bullet in his arm. They must have missed out the part where he mastered the ways of Bullet Dodging from Borris the Bullet Dodger, which by the way is way more conceivable than what they tried to pull off as luck.

I need to get one. Seriously. Not a cheap plastic one from above, nor this £349.95 one, yet.
A brief history lesson about Top Hats:

I’m sure you’ve all heard by now how the term “Mad hatter” came about, but to be more specific, it was because of the top hat.

“The coarse guard hairs were plucked from the beaver pelt which was then brushed with a solution of nitrate of mercury, to raise the scales on the fur shafts so that they would lock together firmly, a process known as ‘carotting’. If carried out in a poorly ventilated room, the mercury fumes could damage the brain, hence the expression, ‘as mad as a hatter’.”

Also, it has been said that it was first invented in Canton in 1775 by a Chinese hatter for a frenchman….but we all know that the Chinese invented everything, hence the expression “made in China” (there is no god, only the Chinese?)

To sum it all up, I need a top hat.