suckball

So my laptop decided to fuck up on me, the very weekend I needed to hammer down to study for an exam, that could very well extend my stay in San Jose State University for an additional year, possibly even more.

I go out to get myself some food on a scooter, got the wheel stuck on a pavement, and ate the dirt, possibly fracturing my big toe.

I finally decide to use the computer lab, and there’s a bbw here on the phone, talking to her friend who is throwing out her boyfriend…(well ex now) because he cheated on her. And then her other friend calls to tell her that she got robbed at gunpoint, and her car is stolen.

Seriously.

Seriously?

In case you’re wondering, the misguided people on the left are dressed up as characters from a popular anime series called “Naruto”, and the second image showcases middle aged men who will never get laid.

Anime has gotten far beyond popular in the past few years so I decided to bestow the secret of anime to suckball readers, just so you can make fun of people when they ask you “Hey, do you watch anime?”, to which you should reply with much sarcasm and attempt to embarrass them.

So here are the rules that all anime follow, regardless of whether it has to do with car driving, bread making or ninjas.

1) For some reason, japanese artists unanimously decided that shiny oversized breasts will attract an audience

2) They also decided that swords are way cooler than guns.

3) Finally, they decided that capes are a necessary accessory.

4) During a battle, make sure there’s more monologuing than the viewer can possibly handle. This happens when the bad guy kicks the good guy’s ass and is explaining to him the secrets of his moves.

5) This follows with the good guy reminiscing why he’s actually fighting the bad guy which triggers some deep buried power within him/her and defeats the bad guy, regardless of how many limbs he already lost.

6) Funky hair. Nuff said.

b) The main character usually has hair colour that stands out.

7) The main character needs a horribly disturbing past, something along the lines of parents getting murdered, bullied as a child, michael jackson or accidentally killing their sibling. This means the character starts off being jaded and cold, then gets “awakened” by someone.

Main character has to fight some horribly evil person who had a relatively similar path. Just so he can relate and be merciful.

9) During a fight, the final skill will never be pulled out first. It has to progress slowly, just so monologuing can be added every time.

10) The first person who pulls out the final skill always loses.

11) Hero will always get his/her ass kicked by their mentors no matter how fucking powerful they become.

12) If you thought the monologing was bad, the flashbacks will make you want to gnaw your arm off.

13) im-looking-at-you-from-the-corner-of-my-eye-with-fringe-in-my-face looks are cool.

14) There is always the one guy who is quiet and you know he’s badass because they give him way too many “im

looking at you from the corner of my eye with fringe in my face look“.

15) The girls are always useless.

b) At some point the girl will hate herself for being so useless and train her ass off so she can become independant

c) She is still useless. Hopefully the big breasts will distract you from remembering that fact.

d) If the boobs don’t work, they’ll make her save the main character’s ass with her (usual) healing/shielding skills to maker her seem useful.

e) But god damn she’s still useless.

So there you have it. 15 important steps to making a good anime series.

Don’t get me wrong, I criticise anime but i’m currently addicted to Bleach and used to watch Naruto….but i mean, check out the pictures! THAT FAT GUY IS FUCKING HILARIOUS!

also, they’re not always ugly….just 99% of the time, though I’m convinced that t h e s e girls were paid to give them nerds fantasies.

Oh and the award for funniest costume is this guy who was meant to look like this…though this guy cracked me up too.

I don’t know whether you people have read this oldie from yesteryear. Since i’m broke and I need a job, I decided to post it up as my writing sample for some listing website. Right now most of you are going - seriously, you couldn’t think of a better sample to pick?

Wow I totally threw up that last article basically because I had a sudden urge to write about stuff that I’m not paid to write about at my other job. Okay, actually I AM paid to write about hot chicks, but I don’t have a cool column where I can rate them and say mean things about Fergie (as if her wrinkled ass she calls a face doesn’t warrant them). The fact that two comments immediately appeared, and weren’t trying to sell viagra or penis enlargers (where did you guys go?), got me all warm inside and so now, after working a 7 hour shift at a law firm, before coming home and working a 6 hour shift at my writing job, instead of sleeping or whacking off I’m gonna write about fucking P Diddy. Not actually fucking P Diddy, you understand. It’s sad that it’s absolutely plausible you could wake up tomorrow morning and P Diddy may have officially changed his name to ‘Fucking P Diddy’.

Anyway, I was watching television yesterday and I heard what I thought sounded like a song that is very special to me; Mario Winans - I Don’t Wanna Know. Now we all know for a fact that this song is a big piece of shit. Don’t agree? Well:

a) Diddy stole a slowed down sample of Enya’s ‘BOADICEA’
b) This slowed down sample of had already been stolen by The Fugees back in 1996 (Diddy didn’t know about this because back then he was still trying to get a degree or some shit. He would later dedicate the degree to Biggie)
c) After all that flagrant intellectual property theft, the song still sucks

RIP. NOTORIOUS BIG, thanks for the memories

Anyway, my point was that I thought I heard the song. And I was thinking fuck I cannot hear this song (the first time I heard it I met my ex-girlfriend and it makes me die inside), let me change the channel. Suddenly I realised it was in fact a ‘new’ song from Winans. Obviously Diddy was in tow, standing in the background, saying ‘touch me’, ‘can you feel me’ and generally taking a shit on creative lyricism. He would dedicate the shit to Biggie.

So somehow this kid has released two songs over a three year period and the mother fucker has about a billion times more money than me. I JUST WORKED TWO JOBS IN A ROW ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I’d say fuck Diddy, but he’d dedicate the fuck to Biggie and use it to sell records.

Do we agree that this songs sounds pretty much like I Don’t Wanna Know?. Sure the weird background beat is basically identical, but what really binds the two songs is that they both feel like a hemorrhage. I seriously have no idea how Diddy has basically an enormous pile of money. He probably has three dicks made of gold, silver and frankinscense at this point. He only dedicates the gold one to Biggie. Fuck dedicating silver to the big man.

A SHORT ANALYSIS OF HOW TOUCHING DIDDY’S MAJOR ARTISTIC TRIBUTE TO BIGGIE IS

How this is a tribute to Biggie is fucking beyond me. There was only one reason this thing was made: love. Hah, right. No, the correct answer is MONEY. Diddy does nothing but wear a t-shirt with the guy’s face on it. Fuck, Missy Elliot wears matching Aaliyah t-shirt/jeans/jacket/trucker hat combos in like every video. I’d wear a Hitler beret if it meant Neo-Nazis would dump cash in my lap. Here’s a short list of things that feature in this video that have an incredible significance to the life and musical career of The Notorious B.I.G., since after all this is a tribute to the man:

1. Lots of Sean John sushi
2. Nelly topless in a bath tub with two chicks.
3. Pharrell dressed like a cowboy/skater hybrid
4. A chick massaging Diddy while wearing diamond encrusted brass knuckles
5. Diddy pointing at his t-shirt
6. Jagged Edge say ‘Biggie’ twice and ‘BIG’ once
7. The random guy who says ‘uh, uh’
8. Fat Joe in a blue room
9. Everyone pretty much acting like they just won the fucking lottery. Inside they’re sad about his passing, though. That’s acting people.

RIP. NOTORIOUS BIG, thanks for ALL THE MONEY

It’s about 12 midnight and I should be sleeping, but for some reason I had a sudden bout of nostalgia and suddenly I didn’t want Suckball.com to die. As Louis mentioned, I have a new job now but every time I see him he talks about how much he loves Suckball.com and how it’s his baby and how if he was Neo he’d jump inside the coding and take it on a date. I’m not really sure what I was going for there. Nevermind, let’s move on. So anyway, I had the dynamite idea that I’d write something really worthwhile, but I couldn’t think of enough wordplays for quantum mechanics, and Rihanna only has like 4 videos, so I couldn’t really do a top 10 Rihanna videos list, so I thought fuck it, tits and ass are the way to go. And thus I present to you the top chicks list for this year.

#8 - FERGIE (ONLY IF MY FOOT IS IN HER FACE)

God damn I can’t go anywhere without either seeing this chick’s ass or hearing her big girls don’t cry song, which sounds like ass anyway. She’s fucking nasty! She looks like an old, old Chinese woman from the neck up. She’s got a slamming body, but a silverback gorilla could eat salads and work out 7 days a week and I would not want to fuck it. She looks okay in GRINDHOUSE, for the minute that she’s involved, partly because it’s night time and you can’t see her face, and secondly because she gets attacked and mamed by a pack of zombies, which is pretty much the best thing to ever happen on film, since Josh Harnett bought it at the end of PEARL HARBOUR.

#7 - REGINA SPEKTOR

It’s gotten to the point now where Louis will classify chicks as 1. slim, 2. fat, and 3. ‘your kind of chunky’. Because for some reason I have a thing for slightly heavy broads. Anyway, I think Spektor’s hot, so fuck you. She’s Russian and Communist block chicks are always gonna be interesting. And plus she’s musical like crazy. And cute. I’m not sure what else to say. Check her out HERE I guess.

#6 - MEGAN FOX

Who the fuck was this chick before TRANSFORMERS? And where did she come from? To be perfectly honest I’m not all that jazzed up about her, but everyone I know seems to pop wood just at the sound of her name. I guess it’s pretty hot when she opens up The Beef’s car in TRANSFORMERS, but other than that I could take or leave her. Still she suddenly became the all time hottie of hotties, so I guess 2007 was a fucking banner year for her. Way to hit the jackpot Brian Austin Green (the dude on the right, who she just got engaged to).

#5 - SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Did I see her in anything this year? I’m not sure. Either way, she still has both the best voice and the best rack in Hollywood, perhaps the world. She’s probably still the most unmatched beauty on the planet. Thankfully if tabloids are as reliable a source as I know them to be, then she’s finally over the date a douchebag part of her life, which involved Jared Leto and Josh Hartnett as the number one beneficiaries. Fuck I hate Jared Leto. The guy is a fucking incredible actor but he chooses to headline a shitty band and wear tight jeans all day. Johansson has the best rack in Hollywood, perhaps the world. I also love her voice. Did I mention her rack?

#4 - ROGUE IN MARVEL VS CAPCOM 2

I don’t know if I mentioned this before, but I used to play Marvel vs. Capcom 2 at ridiculous lengths. Well over the summer, with nothing better to do during the days, I totally got sucked back into it, to the point of getting a PS2 and buying an arcade stick so that Louis and I could play in his house. You probably don’t know shit about the game but Rogue is a low tier character and Cable pretty much destroys her, but she’s hot as shit so I’m playing her every time. Her accent slays me. I wish I could see how the broad that voices her looks because I’m pretty sure I want to marry her.

By the way, if you’re that dude who plays in Megamall, whose Cable/Sent/CapCom got fucking ruined by Rogue/Cable/Tron, that was me mother fucker. I saw you peak round the machine.

#3 - AVRIL LAVIGNE

I’ve been saying Avril Lavigne was hot for years now. Back then she was making surprisingly good music for a bratty Canadian chick flanked by her ‘riding on Avril’s coat tails to fame and pussy, despite little to no discernable talent’ band. Now she’s regressed to an almost fetal state of musical creativity and suddenly she pops cleavage and she’s a SMOKING HOTTIE. I can’t stand that Hey Hey You You song but knights of columbus that thing is POWERFUL. I swear to god, you hear that song one time and you can’t stop singing it for the rest of the day. On the plane home from Malaysia I was listening to her album a little bit and it’s more of the same shit, so if you like walking around like a zombie you should totally check her album out.

#2 - MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Who? Right, you didn’t see GRINDHOUSE. No-one did, right? Don’t worry I saw GRINDHOUSE, but I could only sit through the first three quarters of its duration aka all the shit before Tarantino’s flick and then about ten minutes into that until his shitty dialogue had blood pouring from my ears. So no, technically I didn’t really see Winstead either, but I see pictures of her now and she makes Rosario Dawson look like a mountain goat. I actually wonder now if when I was getting all hot over Dawson in CLERKS 2 if it was just because she spent the movie in the same frame as that fugly dude who owned the Kwik-Stop or whatever.

Anyway, so fuck GRINDHOUSE, she also played John McClane’s daughter in a little film called DIE HARD 4: FINALLY THE FRANCHISE IS COOL AGAIN. I don’t really know what to say about this flick except that if you could manufacture film from erections, one liners and machine guns, this is what it would look like.

#1 - RIHANNA

If you know me, then there was never really any question. God damn it her music is so bad it can probably kill most land mammals from a mile but fuck she’s hot. I knew she was hot when I was falling asleep in front of the TV last year and suddenly realised what I was listening to should have been killing me (it was that SOS song), but her smoking hotness was keeping me alive. It’s a strange paradox. First chick I can think of to be hot in every single video. I read now that Shia Labeouf is tapping her which makes me happy inside. He’s cool and if it came to it I think I could kick his ass, so I like to look at it like he’s keeping her warm for me.

Go listen to Bad Skin Day by Bell X1.