suckball

UPDATE! Article is now finished

I have been digesting episodes of ONE TREE HILL like fucking biscuits for as long as I can remember now. Over the past seven months or so I saw all five god damn seasons. I just watched the latest one today (S05E09) and am now ready to regale you with my thoughts on the douche-baggery that seems to be endemic in this fucking town. Also, I don’t know how the strike affected this show and I can’t be bothered to find out the answer to this, but I don’t know how many episodes this season is running. Either way it doesn’t matter, since this entire arc could be done in like five episodes. I swear over the nine we’ve seen thus far about ten things have happened. About half of each episode has been god damn montages.

LUCAS SCOTT

I’ve given this careful consideration because I don’t want to issue undue hyperbole, but I’m pretty sure this guy is the biggest asshole on television. And if not on television (maybe Dennis Hopper was worse in the first season of 24), then definitely without doubt on the show. He is almost entirely morally and ethically bankrupt. Dan Scott was a dick but at least he made the decision to atone for his behaviour. It might have taken four seasons and a fucked up family to do it but he manned up in the end. Which is more than I can say for Lucas who is routinely pissing all over any girl who shows a god damn interest in him, which hey, guess what? Is everyone. By my count he has now cheated on his girlfriend five times, each different girls, and with different others. That is a track record, people. And with no remorse whatsoever. There is a difference between saying sorry because you feel bad and feel you made a mistake, and saying sorry because someone is pissed at you. Fortunately Lucas doesn’t have to make the distinction since I don’t think he ever said sorry once, except to his mother, but for what reason I forget. And it certainly wasn’t one of the instances where he slapped some broad with his dick. Oh yeah, that’s right, it was when he - at seventeen - got his girlfriend - who had since been cheated on and dumped - pregnant.

Still, past fuck ups aside, nothing can compare to the monumental crusade of asshole behaviour he is currently working on. This thing is like a fucking work of art. Ten episodes it has taken, which basically spans god knows how long but it is at least two years. Let’s face it, we know how this season is gonna end. We don’t know how and we don’t know what bullshit metaphor is finally gonna make him realise, but it is gonna end with some gay emo song of the week and him kissing the shit out of Peyton telling her it was always her, she was the one, etc, while stuff falls around them in slow motion. It will probably be confetti. Brooke will do her stupid upside down smile. Hayley will put her hands on her hips and shake her head, bite her lip (”You guys…!”). And her kid whose dialogue is stupidly adult will give a fucking thumbs up or something.

You know how when you pull a prank on someone and you work at it for like an hour and it is awesome because you put good solid time into it? Well imagine you put a DAY’s work into it. You would mess someone up bad, right? Now imagine TWO GOD DAMN YEARS. This Lindsay chick is gonna get all kinds of fucked up when she finally gets dumped. The worst thing about it though, is he knows himself he’s gonna do it. We all fucking know. IT IS OBVIOUS. EVEN HIS FUCKING FIANCE KNOWS IT. And that’s what makes it the worst thing - she knows it and she calls him on it, but he keeps on telling her it’s gonna be fine. It is gonna be fine. Trust me, it ain’t gonna be fine.

I have to believe the writers of this show hate Chad Murray. I have no idea how the lead in a hugely successful TV show can be written to be such a cluster fuck of a person.

PEYTON SAWYER

This chick is the only character on the show I can stomach and I pretty much only watch the show because of her. I used to watch it because I thought Brooke was hot, but that was only until Peyton fixed her hair so she didn’t look like Justin Timberlake back when N’SYNC existed, and Brooke’s voice got annoying to the point of suicide. I’m pretty sure once I saw Peyton bend over and a rainbow shot out of her ass. True story.

Anyway, now I’m pretty sure that this chick is the cutest girl on the planet. She is brilliant. I’d slap my dick on a railway track like I was fucking chopping a chicken’s head off with it, for a run at her. I’m a little scared that her hair is starting to curl up and shit again, but being constantly cockteased into thinking she and Lucas are gonna get back together, and then being subsequently rickrolled with all manner of douche bag moves on Lucas’ part, the whole thing is so thrilling I am almost not noticing. Also a major scare: that she might have hooked up with Kevin Federline. I don’t know what my soul would have done.

MARVIN “MOUTH” MCFADDEN

I can’t stand this kid. There has never been a character on television, nor will there ever be again, that gets so much pussy that is just stupidly out of his league. In my book, this kid is outscoring Nathan Scott (who was the most popular kid in school, college basketball star, a couple days away from playing for the Sonics), since that Clean Teens chick he fucked is way hotter looks-wise than Hayley. And Mouth barely even looks human. If there was a real life occurrence of what happens in Stephen King’s THE MIST, and this kid slammed up against the shop front, I wouldn’t know whether he was looking for sanctuary or trying to eat me. I would definitely kill him just to be on the safe-side. Also, just to be clear, he has now managed to lose his moral and ethical standards, which were basically the only things that made him identifiable as a character through Seasons 1 - 3. Now the only thing that is identifiable about him is that he looks stupid in a suit and that if there’s a geeky, underrated hottie character in the story arc, you can bet your ass he is gonna fuck her.

Seriously, this dude is the reason there are so many unhappy, mediocre looking chicks in the world. Because of how flat out fucking ridiculous Mouth is written, every half way human looking boy with two eyes a nose and a mouth thinks that they can score top shelf tail. Not so, my friends. Not everyone can hook up with busty blonde girls who run TV networks or are closet nymphs, unfortunately, some of us have to settle. I can only hope more people read this than watch the show.

BROOKE DAVIS

This chick was hot for about two seasons until she got seduced by the Asian dude (another royal douche bag) and then I suddenly realised that talking to her would be like when your grandma tries to tell you something but you can’t hear her because she has been smoking a pack of cigarettes a day for eighty years and barely has a voicebox. She has a dynamite rack and she is definitely easy on the eyes - certainly one of the hottest chicks on the fucking planet, but every time she opens her mouth I have to turn the volume up. Fuck that. Surprisingly, Brooke is actually the only person on the show who ISN’T a great big fuck up right now. However, she can never, ever be forgiven for pulling the mother of all dirty bitch tricks - the fake pregnancy. That shit is just not on. That is right up there with the holocaust and the Hiroshima bombing in my book.

Says this link here

When you play with fire, don’t bitch when you get burned.

I wrote up what I thought were the seven best films of 2007 but I had some catching up to do. I still haven’t seen THERE WILL BE BLOOD, which irks me no end, since PT Anderson is one of my all-time favourite directors. Still, I did see two more that came out last year, which have gotten a ton of markedly poor press and I am here to set you straight. I would hate for people to miss out on either of these films just because the reviews have been poor.

I can’t vouch for the writing that follows because I am literally falling asleep as I write this…

THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES BY THE COWARD ROBERT FORD

This film is awesome. It’s slightly long but you can take it because the acting is strong as hell and the cinematography is flat out fucking beautiful. This film gave me a massive cinema boner. I absolutely loath Westerns and I haven’t enjoyed one since TOMBSTONE rocked my world as a teenager. This thing literally changed my life. This film also made me realise I know absolutely nothing about music, because the score floored me and it wasn’t even nominated for an Oscar. THERE WILL BE BLOOD and INTO THE WILD were disqualified from selection and this film’s score still didn’t even make it. That’s like losing an egg-and-spoon race with 5 regular kids and 2 retards. If you don’t like the track ‘A Song For Jesse’, which plays as the film opens, I fucking hate you and you suck. I literally have no idea how Brad Pitt didn’t get a nod for Best Actor, especially in such a weak field this year. George Clooney? Fuck off… We all know DDL is gonna win it, throw the man a fucking nomination. Plus, Casey Affleck should in my opinion be taking that Best Supporting Oscar home but as we know Bardem already practically owns the thing. An undeserved Oscar AND he gets to go home and fuck Penelope Cruz that dude has an awesome life. What was I talking about?

LARS AND THE REAL GIRL

Aside from THE NOTEBOOK (which I can man-up and admit I like) Ryan Gosling hasn’t made a single good movie. He’s probably the most talented actor of his generation but either he can’t pick films for shit or he’s picking them on a dare. This film is almost another characteristic turd, but turns out Gosling is so good he can make shit into sugar. I don’t know why I enjoyed it so much but I did. It might be because I keep thinking about how NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN is going to win Best Picture and I fucking hate that thing. That ending is just horrific. Nonsensical. Anyway this film is downright weird, but I loved it. You will love it too. Or else you suck.

The sick reality of life dictates that either be the one that pushes, or be the one that gets pushed.