It’s about 12 midnight and I should be sleeping, but for some reason I had a sudden bout of nostalgia and suddenly I didn’t want Suckball.com to die. As Louis mentioned, I have a new job now but every time I see him he talks about how much he loves Suckball.com and how it’s his baby and how if he was Neo he’d jump inside the coding and take it on a date. I’m not really sure what I was going for there. Nevermind, let’s move on. So anyway, I had the dynamite idea that I’d write something really worthwhile, but I couldn’t think of enough wordplays for quantum mechanics, and Rihanna only has like 4 videos, so I couldn’t really do a top 10 Rihanna videos list, so I thought fuck it, tits and ass are the way to go. And thus I present to you the top chicks list for this year.

#8 - FERGIE (ONLY IF MY FOOT IS IN HER FACE)

God damn I can’t go anywhere without either seeing this chick’s ass or hearing her big girls don’t cry song, which sounds like ass anyway. She’s fucking nasty! She looks like an old, old Chinese woman from the neck up. She’s got a slamming body, but a silverback gorilla could eat salads and work out 7 days a week and I would not want to fuck it. She looks okay in GRINDHOUSE, for the minute that she’s involved, partly because it’s night time and you can’t see her face, and secondly because she gets attacked and mamed by a pack of zombies, which is pretty much the best thing to ever happen on film, since Josh Harnett bought it at the end of PEARL HARBOUR.

#7 - REGINA SPEKTOR

It’s gotten to the point now where Louis will classify chicks as 1. slim, 2. fat, and 3. ‘your kind of chunky’. Because for some reason I have a thing for slightly heavy broads. Anyway, I think Spektor’s hot, so fuck you. She’s Russian and Communist block chicks are always gonna be interesting. And plus she’s musical like crazy. And cute. I’m not sure what else to say. Check her out HERE I guess.

#6 - MEGAN FOX

Who the fuck was this chick before TRANSFORMERS? And where did she come from? To be perfectly honest I’m not all that jazzed up about her, but everyone I know seems to pop wood just at the sound of her name. I guess it’s pretty hot when she opens up The Beef’s car in TRANSFORMERS, but other than that I could take or leave her. Still she suddenly became the all time hottie of hotties, so I guess 2007 was a fucking banner year for her. Way to hit the jackpot Brian Austin Green (the dude on the right, who she just got engaged to).

#5 - SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Did I see her in anything this year? I’m not sure. Either way, she still has both the best voice and the best rack in Hollywood, perhaps the world. She’s probably still the most unmatched beauty on the planet. Thankfully if tabloids are as reliable a source as I know them to be, then she’s finally over the date a douchebag part of her life, which involved Jared Leto and Josh Hartnett as the number one beneficiaries. Fuck I hate Jared Leto. The guy is a fucking incredible actor but he chooses to headline a shitty band and wear tight jeans all day. Johansson has the best rack in Hollywood, perhaps the world. I also love her voice. Did I mention her rack?

#4 - ROGUE IN MARVEL VS CAPCOM 2

I don’t know if I mentioned this before, but I used to play Marvel vs. Capcom 2 at ridiculous lengths. Well over the summer, with nothing better to do during the days, I totally got sucked back into it, to the point of getting a PS2 and buying an arcade stick so that Louis and I could play in his house. You probably don’t know shit about the game but Rogue is a low tier character and Cable pretty much destroys her, but she’s hot as shit so I’m playing her every time. Her accent slays me. I wish I could see how the broad that voices her looks because I’m pretty sure I want to marry her.

By the way, if you’re that dude who plays in Megamall, whose Cable/Sent/CapCom got fucking ruined by Rogue/Cable/Tron, that was me mother fucker. I saw you peak round the machine.

#3 - AVRIL LAVIGNE

I’ve been saying Avril Lavigne was hot for years now. Back then she was making surprisingly good music for a bratty Canadian chick flanked by her ‘riding on Avril’s coat tails to fame and pussy, despite little to no discernable talent’ band. Now she’s regressed to an almost fetal state of musical creativity and suddenly she pops cleavage and she’s a SMOKING HOTTIE. I can’t stand that Hey Hey You You song but knights of columbus that thing is POWERFUL. I swear to god, you hear that song one time and you can’t stop singing it for the rest of the day. On the plane home from Malaysia I was listening to her album a little bit and it’s more of the same shit, so if you like walking around like a zombie you should totally check her album out.

#2 - MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Who? Right, you didn’t see GRINDHOUSE. No-one did, right? Don’t worry I saw GRINDHOUSE, but I could only sit through the first three quarters of its duration aka all the shit before Tarantino’s flick and then about ten minutes into that until his shitty dialogue had blood pouring from my ears. So no, technically I didn’t really see Winstead either, but I see pictures of her now and she makes Rosario Dawson look like a mountain goat. I actually wonder now if when I was getting all hot over Dawson in CLERKS 2 if it was just because she spent the movie in the same frame as that fugly dude who owned the Kwik-Stop or whatever.

Anyway, so fuck GRINDHOUSE, she also played John McClane’s daughter in a little film called DIE HARD 4: FINALLY THE FRANCHISE IS COOL AGAIN. I don’t really know what to say about this flick except that if you could manufacture film from erections, one liners and machine guns, this is what it would look like.

#1 - RIHANNA

If you know me, then there was never really any question. God damn it her music is so bad it can probably kill most land mammals from a mile but fuck she’s hot. I knew she was hot when I was falling asleep in front of the TV last year and suddenly realised what I was listening to should have been killing me (it was that SOS song), but her smoking hotness was keeping me alive. It’s a strange paradox. First chick I can think of to be hot in every single video. I read now that Shia Labeouf is tapping her which makes me happy inside. He’s cool and if it came to it I think I could kick his ass, so I like to look at it like he’s keeping her warm for me.

Go listen to Bad Skin Day by Bell X1.