Chess: Female Metaphor for Life
By James
The popular misconception that surrounds chess is that it's a game for geeks, that playing it frequently and the ability to converse fluently in Klingon are the two key properties of a geek. However upon further inspection it becomes rather evident, that chess is in fact a piece of female propaganda, or at the very least, geared towards promoting women much more than men.
Let's investigate the aspects of chess.
THE PIECES
It's rather clear that chess is based on medieval figures, and therefore we can easily see how the different pieces have been deliberately given ability depending on their femininity;
The King
Come on, the king is the weakest piece on the chess board. While his moves are slightly better than that of the pawn's, he's weighed down by the fact that if you make a bad move YOU LOSE. This is surely a clear indication of the way in which women perpetuate that men are irresponsible, and usually lead to the problems in all
relationshipsthe world.The Pawn
Second weakest piece, with the ability to only move forward. I see this as the woman's way of telling men that they are way too linear. They don't think laterally, and as a result, cause problems. It's also an indication of how men are way too head-strong and that we always want things to go forward. (Women; "Why can't things just stay the way they are????")
But more than anything else, the pawn was built for the purpose of teaching men to just be themselves. Come on, how many millions of times have you heard the women in a movie tell the male hero that, after he beat up the high-school bully or whatever? You see, the pawn has the ability to become whatever piece it wants to - just like you if you follow your dreams! But, only if you get to the other end, which is rather difficult with your weak as hell pawn.
The Bishop and The Rook
One can only move diagonally and the other can only move straight. This is obviously the standard female complaint of "Can't you just make up your mind?" Let me give you an example;
Woman; Hey where do you want to eat today?
Man; Wherever
Woman; Would you like some sandwiches and tea, or croissants with delicate pecan jam?
Man; ... whichever you prefer
Woman; Oh my god! You're always so indecisive!! Can't you just make up your mind!! Do I have to do EVERYTHING?It's impossible that this has not happened to you at some point in your life. Let me tell all the girls something; Guys don't care where we eat, unless we're gay we don't know the difference between a 50 cent steak and a $100 dollar one. Get over it and make a decision.
Bruce Lee would never have married a white woman in the fascist Chess regimeAn interesting note about the Bishop, is that since it can only move on diagonals, it can never change the color of the square that it is on. Since this game was thought up a rather long time ago, this illustrating to us the standard motherly view of the past, that men should only marry women of the same race.
The Knight
This has to be the biggest and most blatant insult to men on a chess-board. Obviously a male piece, it can only move in an 'L' shape, as in the universal symbol for loser. Women really get straight to the point.
However, this piece is quite important, this reason for this due to the fact that women in general like horsies.
Behold!The Queen
Yeah, they just had to make themselves so special by making only one female piece on the whole chess-board. Not only this, but they also had the absolute audacity to make the Queen by far the best and altogether greatest piece there is. Bar NONE.
The Queen can do everything the male pieces can do (typical), pretty much a kick in the face to our glorious gender. But on top of this, I see the Queen's domination of the chess board as an indication of how women always get their way.
So there you have it - rather strong evidence if you ask me, that Chess is nothing less than a tool for promoting the femininity and a superb metaphor for the male-female dynamic in society.
james@suckball.com
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