The Twin Sisters of Media Rape
By James
Jessica Simpson, Mandy Moore, Britney Spears... there are a great many names that spring to mind when you think of the down-right least bearable female 'artists' in today's music scene. But for me, Christina Aguilera stands, massive Moulin Rouge hair above the crowd and Mariah Carey towers, head, shoulders and prosthetically enhanced titties above the rest.
I hate both the aforementioned 'artists' with an absolute vengeance, I've already chronicled my hate for Ms. Aguilera in my article here, but Mariah Carey is relatively new ground for me.
Or is it?
When you think about it, no they aren't. They're two people on exactly the same evolutionary chart, it's just that Mariah is slightly ahead of Christina because of her age. Anyway, let's look at the disturbing simularities in both of their rises and falls to and from stardom as well as the other shit which happened in between.
STEP 1 - Talent & First Album(s) w/ Good Girl Image
For all my undying hate of Christina Aguilera, I would be kidding myself if I said that she had no talent. Although her self-titled first album had few songs which would challenge the song-writing ability of a garden shovel, it did show that she had ability, and her songs about Genies in bottles and what a girl wants were massive hits.
Similarly, Mariah Carey's first album was action-packed with quality. For the first time, society had someone who could sing and was decent enough to wear a full body of clothes. In short, she wasn't Janet Jackson or Whitney Houston.
Her first singles when double-bazillion mega platinum and at one point, I'm sure that there was a time when she could have released an album called 'Mariah Explains Cold War Rhetoric' and it still would have sold upward of 5 million copies.
% of Body Covered by Clothing: 80
Number of Black Guys screwed: 0
Breast Size: Moderate
STEP 2 - Token Black Rapper
The next step on the line of evolution in whoreland is to get a random black guy who is semi-successful and feature in a video with him. Loads of people have done this since, but not to the degree of outright "agree to be groped by you if it'll help my career" ness.
PUFF DADDY
Style: Slow, weakly delivered lyrics and much jewellery
Favourite Line: "Bad Boy baby"Mariah pioneered the move into the world of mass Afro-American fondle, by collaborating with Puff Daddy and Ma$e in the Honey video, where she escapes a kidnapper in order to dance around in the beach and touch her titties.
After the 'success' of this video, Mariah would go on to releases about 10,564 remixes of it featuring different artists signed to Bad Boy records.
However, it has come to the stage in Ms. Carey's career where now every song/video she releases has to include a rapper. Black guys who talk fast are like Mariah's oxygen.
REDMAN
Style: Shitty pre-written rap with random primate outbursts
Favourite Line: "OOO OOO OOOH!!"After falling somewhat behind Britney in the race to be crowned queen of godforsaken teen pop, Christina new that there was only one way to get her crown back - recruit a retiring rapper who, apart from having a really big jaw, is quite clearly seen to be reading his lines from behind the camera in the 'Dirty' video.
% of Body Covered by Clothing: 50+
Number of Black Guys screwed: 2-3
Brest Size: Moderate
STEP 3 - Fall From Fame
And then it comes...
For some reason or another, they had to fall out of fame. Although Mariah's was massively publicised, Christina managed to simply fade out of the media spotlight following the crushing suck of 'Lady Marmalade'.
For a brief moment here, the clothes get slightly less skanky as each artist does shit like re-assess their lives, but ultimately they would rise again, gloriously under the new guise of...
STEP 4 - Whoredom
Christina (left) Mariah's breasts (right)X-Tina and Mariah "I have massive tits and I like to show it" Carey. The new faces of once positive role-models. It in fact surprises me how Mariah Carey is even able to work upright with the amount of additional weight her breasts bring.
While Mariah's was less blatant - she only danced around in a wet t-shirt on the beach about 50 times and stopped wearing all but an inch of her clothing, Christina Aguilera's was much much worse. Apparently desperate times called for freaking desperate measures...
Quickly realising that the only way to re-gain stardom was to hire aforementioned bumbling rapper Redman and to do a video in which she dances in urine, acts like a hooker and basically just crams every single irrelevant thought from the deepest recess of her psyche into it.
Anyway, this video did the trick for her, and she was quickly back to her throne of TRL glory, and all it cost her was about 100 bodily pearcings and her pride!
% of Body Covered by Clothing: 10
Number of Black Guys screwed: 10 trillion
Breast Size: Intergalactic
So there you have it, I think it's rather difficult to argue with the fact that Mariah Carey and Christina Aguilera are on the same track. Our only hope is that as we speak, the Mickey Mouse Club is training more young 'stars' to grace us with their
musicalvisual prowess and set the bar for media rape high than it was before.
Pimp me an email at james@suckball.com
* all article and graphical content is property of james & louis - 'suckball'