by James

I pretty much never get excited. It's kind of a double edged sword, because one the one hand, I like to be able to keep calm and not get giddy with excitement when I find ten dollars in my back-pocket or something like that, but on the other hand, my girlfriend thinks that I have no soul.

I don't like a lot of things. I really love even less. But hate? Shit, I hate a ton of things. And aside from beetroot and bad movies, there is nothing I hate more than an attention whore. Why? I can't say exactly, there's just something about them that makes my blood curdle and my veins bulge.

So Anyway...I decided to devote a full half an hour of my time, to the biggest attention whore on the face of the Earth: Jessica Simpson. All hail the queen. Please. Throw away your pride, and do it, for she is, trully, the biggest fucking one of them all.

I caught an episode of "Newly Weds" aka. "See What Stupid Fucking Thing I Can Do Next", and naturally I was hooked, so I just had to check out her site!!!111

SECTION ONE:

NEWS

Here is where all of Jessica's fans, all ten of them, can find out what's going on with her and catch up with her latest news. Naturally this was instantly book-marked.

Luckily, I was also able to "Join JESSICA SIMPSONS's mailing list to stay up-to-date on all the latest news, tour info, contest announcements, and more!" - THANK GOD!!

Jessica's new beauty line will be simply delicious! Dessert - Jessica Simpson's kissable, tasteable fragrance and cosmetic line - will be available in April. You can win a pair of VIP passes to accompany Jessica and Nick to the launch party at Sephora Times Square in New York City. The prize includes airfare and luxury accommodations. Here's your chance to win Dessert with Jessica

Well, if that's not a dream come true, I don't know what is. Tell me though, how exactly does a perfume get to be "kissable", and what exactly does "tasteable" mean? Did you mean tastable?

Holy shit, step down Westlife, hold the phone Incubus, because right here, Jessica Simpson shows her class. Walmart, is where you can find this classy chick.

SECTION TWO:

BIO

Ah, the obligatory section of how great Jessica Simpson really is.

I can only assume that In The Skin is her new album. Anyway, a quote about the album: "it is, in a real sense, the first album that's truly her own". Ok, now let's back up a little there.

"Cowritten by Jessica -- with contributions from Fran Gold, Damon Elliott and Trina Harmon, and production by Ric Wake and Rob Fusari"

Whatever, I could care less. But the thing that really gets me about the album, is the way it's mercilessly plugged all-over the site. I don't understand the logic, you see for those who haven't been to the site (WHY THE HELL NOT????), the website pummels you with random songs from her album.

Now, for those who hate her music, this will only serve to make us hate it even more, and for those who were intending on buying it, will, from the site, realise how shit it actually is and therefore not buy it. Pity that would be.

Anyway, the crushing suck of Jessica Simpson's website is pretty much confirmed by her 'bio' section, not even being a 'bio' section at all. Good job, I say.

SECTION THREE:

MUSIC

Basically just a load of demos of her songs.

I'd recommend this section if you want to condition your ears to severe battering, or if you want to punish your kids for bad grades or something like that.

SECTION FOUR:

PICS

Why does Jessica Simpson's website have pictures of her?

Must be because she's hot... right? Well maybe if you lopped off her chin and replaced with, well, anything really. Shaquille O'neal's left arm would probably look better at the bottom of her face than that chin does.

SECTION FIVE:

APPEARANCES

Newly weds and Jay Leno. WHAT A FUCKIN RESUME!! And what a worthwhile section might I add...I can see why they needed a whole other page for this stuff.

SECTION SIX:

COMMUNITY

A forum. Didn't bother with it...Already...Growing weak.

SECTION SEVEN:

FUN STUFF

Buddy Icons!!! OMG THAT IS FUN!!! In fact, it's so much fun, that it's the ENTIRE FUN STUFF SECTION WHOAAA!!!

SECTION EIGHT:

FAN ZONE

LOLOLOLOL OMG this had my laughing for ages "Coming soon" Loose translation: "Fans? What fans?"

SECTION NINE:

JESSICA'S CORNER

Let Jessica Simpson teach all celebrities out there how to make fans. I never would have thought of this, but, let's hear it straight from her mouth:

"It is important to me to sell albums"

Blah...basically it's just a load of shit messages to her fans. Fans? Oh yeah, that's right she doesn't have any. Oh well.

Whatever, I hate Jessica Simpson, dumb blonde and attention whore for life.!! You'll notice that my article got progressively thinner as it wore on, this is no fault of my own, there just was, well, nothing else to write about. Sorry!