MILLA JOVOVICH - HOTTER THAN THE FUCKING SUN

By James

 

 

How hot is the sun? I wouldn't know. But I'm relatively sure that if it's somewhere between one hundred degrees celsius, and the hotness of Milla Jovovich.

There are a lot of hot people/things in the world, but none of which can come close to touching Ms. Jovovich. I refer to her as 'ms' because a) I don't know whether or not she's married and b) because the last I heard she was engaged to Paul "Franchise Killer" Anderson, and whenever I think about that I feel like stabbing myself in the face with a rake.



Many of you may not know who Paul WS Anderson is - not to be confused with genius Paul Thomas Anderson - in which case, think back, try to recall the shittiest movie you can think of. Does it have a guy who does the splits and punches a big green guy with four arms in the nuts? Does it feature Christopher Lambert as a lightning toting god with gray hair? Does it feature that girl from Last Action Hero as Sonia Blade? If it does, then you're on the right track, you're thinking of the franchise formerly known as "the shit" - Mortal Kombat.

That was until Paul Anderson got his grubby little hands on it.

Remember when you were a kid and you could press back back punch and Scorpion would literally skewer someone in the fucking throat with a rope thing? He'd yell 'Come over here!', you'd get slapped and then you'd get back up and continue fighting? And you'd sit there as a pre-pubescent ten year old and go HOLY SHIT THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!

Back in the fucking day

Yeah, that was back when Mortal Kombat was cool.

They even made a Mortal Kombat game where Sub Zero substituted his kick ass blue mask for a squeeky clean look and eye scar and it was still cool!

Years passed, and then Box Office death himself decided he'd make it into a movie, cast a bunch of unknowns, make Scorpion's cool rope thing into a FUCKING MECHANICAL SNAKE and have Sub Zero choose to sit constipated in the middle of a room and just slowly pump out an increasingly large orb of ice towards Liu Kang instead of just hmm I don't know shooting one of those fucking ice balls at him like he did to that random at the start of the movie?

Anyway, this is a tribute to Milla Jovovich, not a Paul Anderson hate spread. That's a story for another day.

Ms Jovovich is hot. Real hot. I'm not really sure what else there is to say on the subject.



A lot of you might be thinking, how did a human being possibly get to be this hot? Not me, (I happen to know that she was the secret love child of Jesus Christ and Aphrodite) I'm wondering how a woman this hot could possibly make so much awful film.

I'm gonna skip over the really awful ones (and the one where she looks like a young boy. I'm not gonna name and shame it or anything childish like that, but Joan of Arc is a really bad film) because let's face it, I don't want to write about stuff thats roughly as interesting as the lint between my toes, and you don't want to read about it either.

So without further ado....

The various cinematic crimes perpetrated by Milla Jovovich, and her directorial ensemble!


THE FIFTH ELEMENT

Best casting decision ever made. Who else could play 'the perfect being'? Absolute genius. And I actually think the performance is fucking incredible. I wonder if she had actual lines, or if she just made up all that Leeloo Minai Lekarariba-Laminai-Tchai Ekbat De Sebat shit. Either way it's pretty fucking impressive.


WE'RE SENDING SOMEBODY OUT TO NEGOTIATE


Anyway, she stars in the movie as Leeloo dallas multi pass, alongside Bruce Willis and king shit Gary Oldman, that's his actual birth name.

Bruce Willis is a god among men, and he's playing the usual hardened hard ass as per usual so you know it's gonna be good. For some reason though, he wears an orange crop top for pretty much the whole movie.

Luc Besson is a legend too. The man unleashed Gary Oldman in Leon for godssakes. I can handle that he and Ms Jovovich got married, based on that fact alone. He writes some more genius dialogue, and includes one of the funniest things I have ever seen, when Willis looks out the front of his door, sees an empty corridor then opens it to find a guy wearing a picture of an empty corridor on his head, who gets his gun stolen and then proceeds to do a dance for no real reason.



That is just genius.

Anyway, a lot of people don't like the movie, but they're fools. It's awesome, even though Chris Tucker is a large type tool.


I'm actually getting kinda bored now. And I need to go to play football. Normally I'd continue on this later, but I really can't seem to justify myself taking time to write about films like Resident Evil or Resident Evil Apocalypse or Resident Evil please fucking stop re-making me in film form, all of which are just like sitting inside the lead singer of Megadeath's mouth while he's in concert.

Truth is though, she could make any film watchable. I've seen Head Over Heels, and that was relatively painless despite starring Freddie Prinze Jr and Monica "TRISHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Potter. I've also seen Zoolander. And Dummy. And none of them gave me a headache. You could put Milla Jovovich in The Mighty Ducks in place of that crack head who could hit the really strong slap shot and stood at the front of the flying V and still have a good movie. Actually, they should have done that.

Interesting fact: "I know it's you" by one of the my favourite groups, The Crystal Method features vocals from Ms Jovovich.

Anyway to sum up, Milla, if you're reading this, the address is james@suckball.com, drop me a line, if I'm not too busy I'll make a little space for you in my schedule.

GIMME THE CASSHSHHSHHH


I have of course saved the absolute hottest picture for you dedicated few who read the article the whole way through.