By James
Okay so I haven't updated with an article since like the Ice Age, a more simple time, when a black person could kick a ball without being called a monkey, or when I could sit around in front of a television without wishing the new episode of the O.C. might just be on early.
Yes, times have changed, but unfortunately, movies haven't. For better or worse. Yeah okay, mostly worse, shit movies still far, far out-weigh good ones by at least ten to one. But at least people are trying now. Stand up, David O. Russel and I Heart Huckabees. But we'll get back to that later.
Best Actor in a Motion Picture
I don't think that it's ever happened that I've completely loved more than one performance in a year. Last year was close, but I was definitely siding for Johnny Depp to win the Oscar over Bill Murray, and that's NOT JUST BECAUSE HE KISSED SCARLETT JOHANSSON. This year though, is insane, we have;
Jim Carrey
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
It's pretty much probably my favourite movie of all time alongside Fight Club and Magnolia. And if the universe is fair (as it rarely is) then a slew of Oscars should be headed it's way. Starting with Jim Carrey's outstanding performance as Joel Barish. THIS MAN IS DUE AN OSCAR. You saw the Truman Show didn't you?
By the way, I know many of you don't like this film. And while freedom of thought and/or expression is something I hold in high regard, what are you fucking stupid?
Johnny Depp
Finding Neverland
Man, this film is awesome too. Oh my god so awesome. Personally, I think that like the people of the Academy are just having a little bet. Given Depp's wildchild past, I'm betting they have a little wager going on how long he can go doing outstanding performances, and how long they can go without giving him an Oscar. The man's like the best quirky actor of all time, if he doesn't get an Oscar this year, when will he? Come on people.
Jamie Foxx
Ray
Right he's a dark-horse, and I wouldn't really want to see him win it over Carrey or Depp, but he's got a couple of things going for him. 1) He's funny as hell. 2) He just happened to do a fucking awesome acting job. 3) He's steamin Willie Beamen. 4) His P. Diddy impersonation on Jamie Foxx: I Might Need Security. Alright that one doesn't account for shit, but neither do his bare abs. Okay, you don't get that right? Watch the Stand-up.
Best Actress in a Motion Picture
Give Kate Winslet a frigging Oscar already.
I've gotta say I've never been a big fan of hers. But this year she just made miracles happen. I mean she starred in both of my favourite films of the year, and she did some pretty fucking awesome acting in both of them. Her performance as Clementine in Eternal Sunshine was probably better than what she did in Neverland, but hey i don't give a shit so long as she wins something. Come on!
Right now I'd like to introduce you to a little segment I like to call Who the fuck is Jamie Foxx? Okay I know who he is, his name is Willie... Willie Beaman. You know? Any Given Sunday, great film, starring this guy, you might have heard of him; Al Pacino. Right? So anyway yeah, you know who the guy is, but now suddenly what the fuck he's gone from bit-part actor slash comedian to having THREE GOLDEN GLOBE NOMINATIONS IN THREE CATEGORIES WHAT THE FUCK?
Best actor in a comedy/music? Jamie Foxx for Ray. Best actor in a TV Movie or Miniseries? Jamie Foxx for Redemption. Best Supporting Actor? Jamie Foxx for Collateral. COME ON!
Best Film of the Year
Farenheit 9/11
I will go fucking ballistic if this film wins. It's a fucking documentary to start with. Put it in the documentary category you arrogant bastard. Yeah okay I'll concede that it's interesting, but a film is supposed to be something that entertains you, not this shit. Come on people. Important? Yes. Educational? Yes. Best film of the year? Oh god no.
Kill Bill vol. 2
I have never ever liked Quentin Tarantino less. People gush over Kill Bills one and two and the only reason is that they've never seen any of the countless films he's ripped off, or even a traditional twenty years ago chinese kungfu flick. Cos if you had, you'd realise he's breaking absolutely no new ground whatsoever. It's just a rehash minus the sub-titles.
Talk about shelf-life. He's not had a good movie since Pulp Fiction and that was years ago. No way this wins.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Never has a film been such a dead cert for best original screenplay. I can't think of another film that can even touch Kaufman's genius. And Gondry's direction? A match made in heaven. That's without throwing in Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet's undeniably perfect acting. But best picture? I doubt that this will be the one to win.
Finding Neverland
It's one possibility. Depp and Winslet are perfect, and the screenplay has a combination of whimsical comedy and drama that everybody loves. I wouldn't be disappointed if it won, but...
The Aviator
Surely this will be the film to win. Scorsese spells Oscars, and his depiction of mid-century America is amazing. Throw in Leonardo DiCaprio as the obsessive compulsive lead and you have the kind of material that best picture awards are made of.
Okay now we've got all that stuff over, let's move on to another little piece that I like to call;
THE TEN WORST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD OF 2004
1. Michael Moore
Oh step up you fucking genius. Who'dve thought that in trying to make a film that would seal George W.'s fate, you actually gave him a platform to win his election based upon? HAHAHAHH. There's a phrase that I like, which seems to fit perfectly here, it goes like this: How'd you like them apples? Ah, Farenheit 9/11 was no Bowling for Columbine anyway.
2. Vin Diesel
Okay resume time. The Fast and the Furious made you a star. What're you gonna do with that status? A Man Apart could and should have been spectacular. Look at Man on Fire. But, well, yeah it kind of wasn't it. It was kind of shit. You asked for too much money to be in 2 Fast 2 Furious, so they cast a random rapper in his place and the movie made huge bucks (despite being shit). Followed the same awesome strategy on XXX 2, where Ice Cube took the reins, whoops there goes another franchise. And to top it off, you spent all your time on The Chronicles of Riddick. Say it with me. You spent all your time on Chronicles of Riddick. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA.
3. Mark Wahlberg
If one thing's for certain, it's this: Monkeys will take over the Earth, Jude Law will do a good American accent and The Terminator wil be elected governor of California, before Mark Wahlberg accurately portrays emotion. Oh my fucking god give up the re-makes. Oh my fucking god stop doing shitty movies. In fact you know what? Just give it up, why don't you do what the younger hollywood generations' doing and diversify. You know, try launching a musical career... Oh. Right.
4. Cuba Gooding Jr.
I'd staved off slating him for a while now, because I just felt that he was gonna turn his career around any moment now, but seriously the time's come and gone. Let's set the scene, you've just won an Oscar, a fucking Oscar, for playing Rod Tidwell. What are you gonna do with your new-found marketability? Hmm I don't know how about a load of SHITE films. Instinct. Boat-Ride. Radio. Fucking Snow Dogs. Come ON! Has any person in the history of the world done less with a fucking Oscar? The man has done jack shit since Jerry Maguire.
5. John Travolta
How this guy even has a movie career is anyone's guess. He's not made a good film since Pulp Fiction. And as if that wasn't bad enough, that's right, he DID make Battlefield Earth. This would normally be enough to absolutely massacre anyone's film career, but he just keeps on fucking ticking. What gives? Not only that but he gets to go to bed with Kelly Preston every night? COME ON! On the good side he limited himself to one film this year. On the bad side it's Scarlett Johansson's film, so I've gotta see it. Game plan? Call Tarantino. Fast.
6. Eddie Murphy
Come on Eddie! Seriously, you're my favourite comedian of all time. Pluto Nash? Daddy Day Care? I-Spy? Come on!
7. Richard Gere
Without a hit film in the last ten years? Well except for Runaway Bride. Okay, so basically, without a hit film in the last ten years? Who keeps giving this guy money? You're letting him weave his own personal brand of magic in films like The Mothman Prophecies and Unfaithful and why? Because he was in a good movie (Primal Fear) like fifteen years ago? Yeah alright maybe it's not easy to build a successful career from that film. AHEM COUGH AHEM EDWARD NORTON COUGH COUGH.
8. Jennifer Lopez
Jennifer "Box Office Death" Lopez hasn't done fuck all in years. Maid in Manhattan? Enough? The Wedding Planner? Angel Eyes? Must I go on? Go back to that musical career and continue to rip off other people's beats and you might actually get some respect. That's all you want isn't it? Oh it's not? Ohhh it all makes sense now. And here I was thinking you were justing Jenny from the block.
9. Al Pacino
Three words: Over the top. Come on Al, let it lie for a while. Enjoy life and don't accept every shitty script that's put in front of you. Think about things. You used to be awesome.
10. Ryan Phillippe
Is he even still an actor anymore? I mean he's already married Reese Witherspoon who's got enough of a Hollywood's golden child aura to support the rest of them for the rest of their lives, so he's probably achieved what he's set out to do anyway. He's not made a single film I've liked outside of about half an hour of The Way of the Gun (which is NOT a good film). Defining moment in his life? He lost out to Hayden "One Trick Pony" Christiansen for the role of Anakin Skywalker. HAHAHAHAHAHHHA
BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENTS OF THE YEAR
1. The Chronicles of Riddick
Oh god this movie sucks. So bad. Oh so bad. I think the biggest problem they had was that when you steal the premise of your movie from another. If you're gonna resort to being a hack, well then you might as well steal it from something good.
Riddick's premise? A group called the Necromongers invade planets, stripping it of it's life and resources before leaving. Hmm, what film does that remind you of? Oh yeah, that's right INDEPENDENCE DAY. You remember that multiple Oscar winning film that only the comic genius of Will Smith could save?
2. I Heart Huckabees
Eternal Sunshine had Michel Gondry, who can only do music videos, Charlie Kaufman who can't do endings, and a fantastic musical arrangement by Jon Brion.
Huckabees had David O. Russel, who makes good films, Jude Law who's guaranteed bank, Dustin Hoffman, who's guaranteed bank, and a fantastic musical arrangement by Jon Brion.
This is the number one example of how things looking good/bad on paper do not always play out that way. I've already complained too much about this film, it's crap. Oh it's just a film about searching for your place in life. Oh but no it's fucking genius because it's actually just a satire about the futility of searching for your place in life. Come on. As if it's hard to do a film about searching for your god damn place in life. Shayamalan did it in Unbreakable.
Anyway, you know a movie's bad when Mark Wahlberg was the best performer of the bunch.