Manufactured Music| By James
In the world of uncreative lyrics and insanely under-weight singers perpetuated by the likes of MTV and Channel V, manufactured performers fall from the sky like fly bitches at a P.Diddy concert. Its appearing more and more likely that someone can become successful, not because of their singing talent, but because of the wonders of cosmetic surgery and the money in the pockets of teenage girls.
It sends a shudder through my body to think that Britney Spears can be called a pioneer, but the truth is that she definately can - she paved the way for a hundreds of clones to ride that Carson Daily up and into teen pop fame. Christina Aguilera soon followed, singing about a genie being in a bottle and Mandy Moore came soon after, with the absolutely nonsensical lyrics about missing a guy like candy.
But this formula didn't only work for girls. N'Sync proved that even ugly or overweight guys can be dressed up in the l33test clothes, given the hottest lyrics and be promoted as hot. And so the boy band train to suckage and media pimping kept on rolling with Westlife and absolute sewer scum like A1 following their idols Boyzone and Take That into the Billboard Top 20. Is it me or will there always be one nut case who likes somebody as long as they are famous, just because they aren't hot? Let me give you an example, there are a million different people who love Pheobe from Friends, yet in a cast including Jennifer Aniston and a pretty regularly near nude Courteney Cox, how is this even possible?
If S Club 7 has taught us one thing, its that the aforementioned formula shouldn't be tampered with. History has already shown us how girls can be made hot even with lyrics about missing a guy like Candy (COME ON), and boy bands can be manufactured into being attractive, and even then, S Club 7 tried to (I suppose) get the best of both worlds with a mixture of members which range from pretty (Rachel) to down right ugly, from male to female, and with the slogan "Send us $5 bucks and you can join our band".
Please tell me that that is not the most motley assortment of non attractive males in the world. I don't know what their names are so I decided to hazard a guess at who they are. The members of N'Sync are (from top to bottom, left to right) Snoop Doggy Dogg, a random Church Choir boy, an ape who wandered onto the photo set, the guy from My Big Fat Greek Wedding and Guy whose eyebrow appears to have been poked by a javelin.
Nowadays its near impossible to watch MTV for a solid ten minutes without seeing these turd burglers dancing on it and trying to get some teenage booty. It also pisses me off that these guys have the balls to do shit like tributes to the Bee Gees. I mean don't get me wrong, I think the Bee Gees are great, and that they definately deserve all the praise that they get, but its not like N'Sync were even alive in the freaking 70s.
And to say that they were inspired by them is damn near an insult.
Nelly Furtardo is another entertainer who really got on my bad side mid-way through last year when the only song on either music channel was her bullshit song "On the Radio" where she wore flourescent clothes and did the common West Coast gang$ta thang.
Lacking the average looks needed to be successful, she decided to go the route of captain redundancy and verbally pummel you with perpetually repeated lyrics that are sure to bag her the title of Album most easy to understand with the mental capacity of a 5 year old.
"I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away. I don't know where my soul is. I don't know where my home is. And baby all I need for you to know is I'm like a bird. I'll only fly away. I don't know where my soul is. I don't know where my home is. And baby all I need for you to know is I'm like a bird..."
Thank god she let us know that she's like a bird, I mean we may have got confused if any other words had gone into that chorus and actually spent the duration of the song scratching our heads instead of marvelling in her obvious literary prowess. Nelly also wins the award for Most Stupid Name For An Album. With the title 'Whoa Nelly', after reading around numerous websites, and asking many of my friends, the collective response is that they anticipate the next album, entitled 'Hi Ho Silver!'.
Taking a penalty into the unguarded goal mouth of suck, is LFO, who collectively released songs with most stupid, stupid lyrics that make even less sense than when Nelly says forizzle my nizzle yo. Following are a number of exerpts from their chart-topping hits like 'Summer Girls' and 'The Girl On TV'.
"Scooby Doo Wop and Scooby Snacks, I met a fly girl and I can't Relax"
"Michael J. Fox was Alex P Keaton"
"Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets"
"Stayed all summer then went back home, Macauly Culkin wasn't home alone"
"New Kids on the Block had a lotta hits, Chinese Food makes me sick"
The sad thing is that I did not make any of those up at all
Anyway, my point is that the vast majority of music today is utter shit. More often then not we've got Britney Spears in one ear singing about how she wants to be less protected and Papa Roach in the other screaming that we all should die. I don't understand how they can be famous!
Maybe I never will.
On a sidenote though, talking of what I don't understand, I don't get how the Backstreet Boys call themselves that, yet the entire band wear designer clothes and AJ has enough bling bling on him to feature in a Nelly song.
* all article and graphical content is property of james & louis - 'suckball'