JAMES' ENTERTAINMENT SMORGASBOARD RELOADED

By James

 

 

Right, I have not updated in the longest time, but I promise, I do have good reason. I'm currently working my ass like a man whore, 8 hours a day, but considering I need to get up at 7 to get to the office on time, it really feels like 10 hours. I've since been reduced to little more than a frail old man who can't make it to 10pm before falling asleep.

Anyway, I'm gonna spew forth my thoughts, and as a SUPER DUPER FUCKING BRUCEY BONUS I'm gonna give you a couple of pages of a screenplay I'm writing. Basically it's a filler, for when I can't think of anything else to right, but maybe you'll find it funny too.


RANDOM NEW HOTTIE

These smorgasboard things have to start with the arbitrary new object of my unheralded desire, that's how they work. So with that in mind, I'm gonna go ahead and post...

Rachel McAdams. She is flawlessly beautiful.

I'm also gonna take a moment to say I watched Speed the other day and while it was very very average and Keanu Reeves sucks, Sandra Bullock was crazy hot.

Very hot.

Unfortunately, she went to build on this by making Speed 2 which I hear is actually so bad that it can kill a young child from a hundred yards.

Actually, I'm not done with Speed yet. What the fuck kind of ending is that?

Keanu: SHIT I CAN'T STOP THE TRAIN.
Sandra: What are you gonna do?
Keanu: GO FASTER OF COURSE.
Sandra: How?
Keanu: By pushing this lever up!
Sandra: Can't you just pull the lever down and stop the train then?
Keanu: ............... THIS IS SPEED NOT..... SLOW..... OKAY?

Audience: WOW THIS IS SO FUCKING EXCITING I MIGHT PROJECTILE VOMMIT

That almost ruined the crazy hotness that is Sandra Bullock's character in Speed. READ: Sandra Bullock's character in Speed. I would rather slit my own throat than be associated with the many faces of evil she's undertaken since. Miss Congeniality. Forces of Nature. Miss Congeniality 2. Uhhhhhhhhhh.

FILM

Where to begin? I watched Crash last night and it was fucking fantastic. The dialogue was spot on, the performances breath-taking. Paul Haggis is a genius. Even LUDACRIS was good! Seriously! Probably the best film I've seen this year that doesn't star a rich guy in black tights. I'm not kidding this film is that good.

What else have I seen recently? Red Eye was okay. I've never liked thrillers though. The only one I've ever liked is Minority Report and that's probably only because it's the best sci-film ever made. Oh and Se7en and that's probably only because it's one of the best films ever made period. It just doesn't make sense to me, you know Rachel Mcadams is not going to die, you've seen her down on the ground, in her house in the trailer, so where's the thrill? Her Dad's life? Get the fuck outta here, we've seen him for like two seconds of film and yes Brian Cox is genius, but that's not really enough for me to invest all that much care in whether he lives or dies.

The movie is also bullshit in that it's blatantly obvious Rachel Mcadams' character desperately wants to bone Cilian Murphy. If I was Murphy's character I'd just be like fuck that, I'm gonna fuck my job off and marry Rachel McAdams. Or at least get some grope action before revealing he's a crazy hit-person.

Don't tell me he wasn't attracted to her AT ALL...

On a seperate note, I don't want to ruin it, but let's just say SHE STABS HIM IN THE FUCKING THROAT!!!

It's fucking sick.

I also had the misfortune of buying The Life Aquatic. Now, The Royal Tenenbaums is one of my all-time favourite films. But this is just shit. DESPITE starring the legend that is Bill Murray. The film's about an hour and a half, but sitting watching it, you'd be forgiven that it did in fact never end. It seemed like about four or five. Or maybe that was just the number of times I tried to stab myself in the face.

Basically Steve Zissou feels like shit because his best friend may or may not have been killed by a shark. He feels shit about it. Then he feels shit about it some more. Then he meets Owen Wilson who may or may not be his son. Then you feel like you may or may not take your own life.

I hear that it picks up in the third act with pirates and shit, but I didn't even make it past the half-way mark.

MUSIC

While there will always be a little corner of my heart over which, Third Eye Blind is etched, right now I can't get enough of either Sigur Ros or Massive Attack. Actually, who am I kidding, right smack in the middle of my heart is a tattoo that says HOW'S IT GONNA BE???? I was writing the other day and it occurred to me that when I break up with someone, I want "How's It Gonna Be" by Third Eye Blind playing in the background.

Anyways, Sigur Ros, yeah fucking stellar music. "Njosnavelin" is just so fucking good. It almost makes me cry every time I hear it. Almost. And what does that teach us? That a Michael Bay film starring Ben Affleck's teeth can choke up more emotion than a genius piece of music by scandenavians. That's a scary thought.

I'd get "Dissolved Girl" by Massive Attack if I was you. While you're at it, "Only You" by Portishead. "Directions" by Josh Rouse. "Play" by Flunk. "Eastern Glow" by The Album Leaf. I haven't recommended music in ages.



Oh shit! I just remembered what big musical thing happened in my life recently. The Transformers SOundtrack does ANYBODY actually get me when I reminesce on the wonders of the Transformers movie? Did anyone else cry when Optimus Prime died? Did anyone else throw a jar at the screen when he gave the matrix to Ultra Magnus? Don't tell me they were both just me...

Anyways, I got the soundtrack and it's pure genius. There's even a Weird Al song on there! "Dare" by Stan Bush is legendary. It gets me so excited every time I hear it. It plays when Hot Rod goes to see the ship. And I can't help but say "ARISE" in a deep voice, when I listen to "You've Got The Touch". God I am such a fucking geek.

MISC

I read today that it's finally been revealed that Topher Grace is gonna play Venom in Spidey 3. I hope this is not true. What a bunch of bullshit.. TOPHER GRACE! He was the least manly person in a TV series that also starred Wilmer "I'll just stand here and let my RV get the shit kicked out of it on Punk'd" Valderamamaamam and Ashton "No way my arms could ever throw a punch" Kutcher.

How is this guy ever gonna play the ass-kickery that is Venom? I don't know.. Hayden Church to play Sandman is the latest word, in case anybody else cares.

I would also like to take this opportunity to say to the guys: It is inevitible you are gonna get dragged out to see a chick flick with your girlfriend. Watch Elizabethtown it will be painless. Trust me. Cameron Crowe is worth his weight in gold.

Anyway, I'm all out of stuff to say some I'm gonna lay something new on you. It's a short exerpt from a screenplay I'm working on currently.. It's not supposed to be centred like that, but I'm a retard at the moment.

All you need to know really is that Roy is a hard ass-muncher of a private detective, Charlie is someone who came to him for help and Tina's his daughter. Since he came to Roy for help, it's been pretty much a non-stop string of shoot-outs.

She jumps down off of her stool and throws her arms around him.

ROY
You seen that kid who was comin’ round’ya
house all the time lately?

TINA
No he doesn’t come around anymore. I figured
you might have something to with that.

ROY
Ah I just had a friendly word with the guy.

TINA
Probably wasn’t listening to you, he snorted so
much coke he saw stars.

ROY
Oh he was listening alright.

She smiles.

With a sigh, Roy pops a cigarette and takes a swig from a bottle of Jack. God knows how long it’s been sitting there.

CHARLIE
God, isn’t it a bit early for all that?

ROY
What?

CHARLIE
The alcohol.

ROY
Pffft...

TINA
You know, once, Roy here donated blood to the Red
Cross.

She looks at him.

TINA
There was so much alcohol in it, the nurses used it to
sterilise their instruments.

ROY
(Sarcastic) Ha – Ha.

CHARLIE
She’s got your sense of humour, Roy.

ROY
Alright, alright, very fuckin’ funny.

EXT. ROY’S HOUSE -- MORNING

The metal outer-door swings open as Roy walks out into the morning, throwing a horrible Hawaiian shirt around his shoulders and popping a cigarette.

Charlie walks after him running his hands through his hair.

CHARLIE
Just another day with Roy Oakley. I wonder how long it’ll
be before I get shot at today.

ROY
I’d give it twenty five minutes. Twelve is my record, but
twenty five should be comfortable.

CHARLIE
You know, maybe I’m just too much of a girl, but I don’t
actually like being grazed by bullets all day every day. Dodging
traffic and almost getting killed. I’m not really an adrenaline
rush kinda guy, you know?

ROY
Yeah well, you get used to it.

He has a second thought.

ROY
You know, when I’m feeling down I like to whistle.

CHARLIE
Whistle what?

ROY
Doesn’t matter, I don’t really like the sound. But it makes
my neighbour’s dog that barks all the time run to the end
of it’s chain and gag
himself.

Roy stops and casts his gaze over to next door. A small TERRIER sits tonguing water in a little red bowl.

ROY
Try it if you want.

rRoy walks off and gets in his car, leaving Charlie alone on the front lawn. He puts his fingers in his mouth and whistles.

Suddenly, the dog next door runs to the end of it’s chain and gags with a whimper, just like Roy said.

CHARLIE
Mmm. You’re right, that did make me feel better.



TO CONCLUDE THEN..

Okay, so I'd just like to thank you for following me on that little trip through my thoughts. I hope that you have a nice day, till next time.. I'll be in the USA on FRIDAY!! WOOOOO