Who Is The Best Stuffed Toy?
By James
Everyone has to have a cuddly toy, don't try and tell me you never did... even Hulk Hogan probably had one at some point. Anyway, the purpose of today's experiment, is to see just which toy is better...Space Jam Bugs Bunny or Stitch, from Lilo and Stitch:
Anyway, in order to determine this, I will ofcourse have to run each through a number of tests to see, who really deserves the title of 'Best Stuffed Toy'.
MANLINESS
Come on, there's no point being a male character and not being manly. I mean just because being a stuffed toy is inherently un-masculine, doesn't mean that these toys should just follow the mould. I mean, I'm a guy, and I want to feel secure with my stuffed toy, it doesn't have to defend me or anything, but hey, it sure a shell shouldn't make me feel like a girl.
And what better way to determine manliness than to check each toy's amount of chest hair.
Unfortunately, as you can see Bugs has absolutely none. You can see how disappointed I am at his utter lack of manhood.
Hot damn, look at that! Stitch has got a veritable garden bush growing there! It's not Austin Powers hairy, but it's definately got some substance, much moreso than Bugs has at least.
I'm willing to overlook the freakish nature in which Stitch's hair grows, because we shouldn't discriminate against people just because they're... different.
Bugs Bunny - 0
Stitch - 1
BEST ASS
There's absolutely no way we can possibly decide on which toy is better without comparing asses.
Again, a no show for Bugs. Poor guy doesn't even have an anus, so I'm inclined to give him a pity point. Unfortunately for him, the fact that I was unable to take off his pants just pissed me off so much that I no longer pity his anal absence.
Stitch's isn't much better. He doesn't have a detailed posterior either, although the stitching is really poorly done there, so it kind of looks like he does have some kind of hole for shit to come out of.
I find myself unable to decide which one has the better ass, so I'll just award the point to myself for being so cool.
Bugs Bunny - 0
Stitch - 1
VERSATILITY
Apart from looking cool in their original clothes, the toys must be able to look fashionable in other random clothing, so I'll put them to the test with possibly the ugliest piece of clothing known to man: Louis' Goggles
As you can see, Bugs actually does look ok in the goggles. Apart from the fact that I had to physically hold them on his head, they weren't too bad.
Unfortunately, Stitch looks like shit in the goggles. They're too small for his head and quite frankly, that's just not good enough for someone who wants to be the 'Best Stuffed Toy Ever'.
I was getting bored with the article so here's a picture of me wearing Louis' goggles.
Obviously aside from myself, I think Bugs edges out Stitch on this one, since the goggles actually fit his face well. Close call, but hey, every point counts at this level.
Bugs Bunny - 1
Stitch - 1
KUNG-FU POSE
I'm going to watch the Matrix Reloaded tomorrow and so I'm really in a Neo mood. Subsequently, I'm grading Bugs and Stitch on their ability to enhance my scary face with their respective Kung Fu poses.
You can see quite clearly that Bugs makes me look much more scary than I would look alone. Although it's not because he actually looks scary, it's more the idea that an 18 year old guy is hugging a Space Jam stuffed toy and making a stupid face... but hey, whatever works.
Stitch, unfortunately had absolute minimum movement in his arms, as a result of him being extremely overweight. Come on, how the hell am I supposed to look scary holding a purple pig with a mohawk?
Overall? Bugs gets the point again, out of Stitch's sheer immovability. Plus I think I made a freakier face in the picture with Bugs anyway.
Bugs Bunny - 2
Stitch - 1
CUDDLE-A-BILITY
Finally, the most important aspect of all stuffed toys, we have to look just how cuddly they are!
Awww look at that. Unfortunately for Bugs I was masking the utter discomfort of hugging a scrawny and hard skinned bunny. Bugs was so uncomfortable to hold, it's not even funny. No way he wins this one.
Stitch on the other hand was a pleasure to hold, he was really squishy and furry, just like a cuddly toy should be!
Bugs Bunny - 2
Stitch - 2
Well as you can see we have a tie. However, unfortunately for one of the contestants, I've found something about them which I loathe with the passion of an Amish and his plough sheer.
Facial pubes.
BIG BLACK FACIAL PUBES.
That does it for Bugs, that's just disgusting and it's just wrong. What the hell were the people who made this guy thinking? That is just a heinous, heinous crime to humanity, and to think that they market this toy to kids!
So there you have it, the winner of this battle to find out who is the 'Greatest Stuffed Toy Ever' is Stitch from Lilo and Stitch!
* all article and graphical content is property of james & louis - 'suckball'