THE ULTIMATE MOST GREATEST EVER PREVIEW TO THE WORLD CUP

By James

 

 

Everybody loves football. Even people who say they don't watch it secretly. Girls say they don't but watch it and blame it on their boyfriends, or my personal favourite - "I watch it for the hot guys." Michael Ballack looks like Matt Damon. Hmm. So shall I watch Bayern v Chelsea and see 22 men, most of home are as attractive as my third toe. Or shall I watch The Bourne Supremacy, where Damon is the lead?

Anyway, even people who don't have a scooby doo about football get together at the World Cup to support England, and hope that a tiny backwater tribal nation from Africa knocks out France.

Here is the ULTIMATE preview to the World Cup. By the way if you disagree with anything I've said, you're wrong.

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BRAZIL

Anyone who says Brazil cannot win the World Cup is a fool. Quite simply there's no team that has anywhere near the attacking firepower that Brazil has. If you're gonna beat them, you'd better be expecting to score at least three or four, cos you know they're gonna shit all over your defence.


THE ORIGINAL BRAZIL
FROM THE LEFT, BACK ROW: The evil professor from PAY CHECK, random man who walked on to the set, a rare species of ape, a man who seems to have been crushed from above by a vice, another ape who has seen slightly less sun, Daniel Beddingfield.
FRONT ROW: A man who seems to be in love with number 8, date rapist, Val "ICE MAN" Kilmer, Ant from Ant and Dec and Sergio, ultimate italian male model.

MAIN THREAT:
Well. The simple answer is probably Ronaldinho. But I disagree. People love to name their perfect world 11s, and everyone who ever hears mine calls me an idiot when I say Ronaldo. What Cristiano? No. The real Ronaldo. The fat boy.

People act like they've forgotten he was world player of the year on numerous occasions. That he decided the last World Cup final ALL ON HIS OWN.

He's strong - shit the guy probably inhales Krispy Kremes - and better than being fast, he's DECEPTIVELY fast. In that defenders look at him and think.. Shit, this boy's just gonna plod along and the poof he's gone. Vamoose son of a bitch. Jay-z said that. I believe he was talking about Ronaldo.

Kaka is my favourite player, but he always seems to take a back-seat when he plays for the Brazilian team.


Women watch it for the guys. WHY THE HELL DO YOU THINK WE WATCH IT? FOR THE SKILLS? HAHAAH

WEAKNESSES:
Mmm the defence I guess. And when I say defence, I mean Lucio and Juan. And when I say Lucio and Juan, I really mean Juan. Lucio is okay, but he trots up the field like he's the lone fucking ranger, and Juan isn't really good enough to hold ship on his own. I guess if you're gonna stand a chance you're gonna have to bait Lucio to dribble up the pitch then fucking slaughter him at the half-way line and break on Juan but that's a pretty lame way to win.

Although when you do get past Juan (and you will), you'll be staring down the devil himself, Dida, who is about ninety feet tall and has hands that could eclipse the sun.

POTENTIAL:
Yeah, they'll win it. The only reason they might not win it is if a meteor hits the Earth and then Stone Cold Steve Austin jumps off and double pump close-lines Kaka, Ronaldinho and Adriano all together. In that case they might just reach the semis or something.

By the way, on a side note, if I refer to a team as 'The Black Pearl' or 'TBP', it's Brazil. A team of the damned, captained by a man so ugly that hell himself spat him back out.



ARGENTINA

These guys beat the Brazil squad not too long ago. Back in the day of 'Hey we've got Ronaldinho, Ronaldo, Kaka, Adriano and Robinho who are all awesome, so lets just assemble a back line + Emerson, then just throw in all five of these fuckers and see what happens.'


THE OLD ARGENTINA
FROM THE LEFT, BACK ROW: Jesus Christ, Cafu, Creepy Stalker Guy, Guy who notices dandruff on the front row, a random man who seems to have walked on to the set, Maradona
FRONT ROW: A man trying to be Jesus Christ (give it another month), Michelle (actor/model), Who cares, Some random Indie kid, The bad guy from Frequency

Times have changed though, and now Brazil have some discipline. Unfortunately, Argentina aren't good enough attacking. They play the same game that Brazil do, but their players just aren't as good. Juan Roman Riquelme is the definitive poor-man's Ronaldinho.

MAIN THREAT:
Riquelme? Pablo Aimar's my favourite midfielder in the world, but nobody who ever manages Argentina or Valencia ever seems to share my opinion, so whether he plays or not is yet to be seen. Crespo is a legend of a player, and Tevez is awesome as long as your playing Football Manager. Walter Samuel is a good defender, so long as he isn't kick strikers in the back of the head and then making like he didn't.

WEAKNESS:
Ermm I don't know. Pass. Maybe the worry that if your striker goes in too hard on one of their back-line, inter galactic civil war might break-out. This is me saying that Walter Samuel, Roberto Ayala and Gabriel Heinze will quite literally break ya shit.

POTENTIAL:
I guess if Brazil get knocked out then they're technically the best team in the competition. but that's like saying if there was a flu epidemic that wiped out every single man on the planet, then Bill Gates would be the best guy to play James in the new Bond movie.

Roberto Fabian Ayala is a stone-face killah, yo!



HOLLAND

I love Holland. If England fulfill their potential and don't even make it to the World Cup, then I'll support the Dutch, even if Edgar Davids doesn't play.


AH, you like me! You really like me! And what's this you happen to support Man United too? Spooky!

Qualifying has been a walk in the park for them and the early signs are looking good.

MAIN THREAT:
Something happened, I believe about a year ago. The Dutch FA plummed for fan favourite Marco Van Basten to be appointed manager of the national squad. He then said that if you weren't playing regular club football then you weren't gonna play for his team.

And then he dropped Edgar Davids, Clarence Seedorf and Mark Van Bommel.

I'm sorry, I'm not sure I explained that clearly.

And then he dropped Edgar Davids, Clarence Seedorf and Mark Van Bommel.

The main threat of this team is the genius that is Marco Van Basten. Wesley Sneijder, Arjen Robben, Hedwiges Maduro and Rafael Van Der Vaart are fucking amazing. And Bhoularouz at the back is steady as a rock.

WEAKNESS:
Everybody say RUUD! La la come on come on! I hate Van Nistelrooy with a passion that is all it's own. That big moose. He sucks. Yeah he scores goals but I just can't bring myself to admit that he's a good player. I just won't. Because he isn't. And I'm stubborn either way. Tell me one non-Man united supporter who thinks he's good.

Roy Makaay seems to be on form, but he plays for the only German team in the German league. And when you partner anyone with 'Ruud van Nistelrooy hey he's better than thierry henry haha shut up' then you never know what you're gonna get. I wouldn't expect much outta these two.

POTENTIAL:
It's hard to judge. On paper, with the exception of their exquisite midfield, they've got shit at the back. And shit up front. But somehow they are just managing to piss on everyone that they play. I think they'll make it to the final. I've got money on them.



SPAIN

It's only a matter of time before Spain clinch the glory of qualifying second - behind the fucking Ukraine - and everyone in the country jumps on to the bandwagon of fake promise that is Spanish football.

Spain. What a complete and utter waste of footballing talent. I say that like there is some, somewhere in the Spanish gene pool. That of course, is a complete lie.


ONLY LEGITIMATE GOOD SPANISH THING

I challenge you to tell me a Spanish player that is good, other than Carles Puyol, Xabi Alonso, Vicente or Raul.

Del Horno is steady, and thats about as good as it gets for the rest. Joaquin is shit. He is almost as shit as Fernando Torres, who is about as good at converting chances for the Spanish team as your Mom. Any of your Moms. Jerry Maguire couldn't justify this guy's stupid contract or even more ridiculous valuation. Newcastle bid 27 million are you mad?

And Joaquin? Yay, lets watch as he skins twelve people (yeah he's actually that good, he skins one of his own players just for good measure), get to the by-line, and then proceed to PUT IN THE WORST FUCKING CROSS YOU'VE EVER SEEN.

MAIN THREAT:
The midfield I guess. Or maybe the fear that if you score against them, Puyol might jump on you and monster rape you behind the corner flag. Raul is about one tenth of his former-self and the last time Morientes was pictured celebrating scoring a goal, it was an oil painting done by Picasso during his cubist era.


SPIDER SENSE TINGLING

WEAKNESS:
As per usual, the defence is shakey as hell. Puyol looks like he might just as easily decapitate you, as tackle you. Marchena is a slow donkey of a player, and when corners come in, Iker Cassilas suddenly thinks he's fucking Spiderman.

POTENTIAL
What's betting they will falter to decieve again? Hmm? I will accept ANY bets that they don't win the World Cup. ANY. I doubt that they will even reach the quarters.



FRANCE

No-one likes the French. I sure as hell don't. What can i say about them? They play in Blue. Endo-story. Zidane looks like Friar Tuck.


FROM THE LEFT, BACK ROW: Rat boy, Friar Tuck, African about to KICK YOUR ASS, Someone who seems to think the national anthem is still playing, Sally, THE DESTROYER, Mr Happy
FRONT ROW: Ashlee Simpson, Hidden Harry, Calypso, The Official (tm) worst player to play in a Champions League Final - Trez the Gay

MAIN THREAT:
For all the hate I have of France, you cannot deny that they have the best fucking midfield going. And that's only three of them. You could pop Screetch from Saved by the Bell on the right wing, and they'd still have the best midfield in the world.

Zidane, Makalele, Vieira. You've got everything you need there, engine and class, tackling and passing.

And oh yeah, probably the best attacking talent in the world today Thierry Henry. Fortunately, he can only play well against mediocre to weak teams. He also has big lips.

Fortunately, any header that comes into the French box will undoubtedly be cleared by Mikael Silvestre because his head is roughly twice the diameter of the sun. Gallas in defence is awesome, if he COULD HMM MAYBE SHUT THE FUCK UP BUT I DON'T WANNA PLAY RIGHT BACK MWEEEHHH.

WEAKNESS:
Every morning they have to wake up and know that they are representing France.

POTENTIAL:
I don't know. I'll just go ahead and say out by the semis. They won't win. Trust me.



GERMANY

Who in their right fucking mind likes Germany. They're that little fat kid in your primary school class who smelled and had delusions of grandeur because he read Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator before you did.


FROM THE LEFT, BACK ROW: Klaus, Arnold, Mikael, Claus, Oliver, Michael
FRONT ROW: Heinz, Adolf, Gerhardt, Heinhardt, Clause

But they are home team. And that fucking counts for something.

MAIN THREAT:
Saying that the German team has a strategy is like saying Cuba Gooding Jr has no interest in seeing the money.

Every single match goes like this. Win the ball, give it to Ballack. I think in their sleep, Sebastien Deisler and Phillip Lahm randomly just wake up saying HERE MICHAEL, HERE!! And then they wake up, realise it was just a dream and then go back to sleep with their hairy german wives. Or in Oliver Kahn's case; twelve year old boys.

Michael Ballack is their only legitimate threat. I wish I could say football was a team game, but let's face it, it's not. And Ballack is probably the most complete midfield player in the world.

Other than that, I don't know. Lucas Podolski is my favourite player in Football Manager but I don't know what he's like in real life. (Buy him, he's only like 6 million and he's MUSTARD).


OH SHIT

WEAKNESS:
Every morning they have to wake up and know that they are German.

POTENTIAL:
I rate them as your best hope for an outside shot. That team that you put a little money on, cos you're not sure, they might just do it. Not because they're good you understand, but because they're German. And because their the host nation.



ITALY

I used to love Italy. I've always been a complete believer that defence is the most important thing in football. So it's impossible not to love a team that boasts Maldini, Cannavaro, Nesta and Zambrotta in one breath.

Unfortunately, times have changed and it's now the Backstreet Boys circa 2005 in tight tops and with long hair singing about how they want it that way. Okay they don't really sing I want it that way, but I think that they might in secret.


Actually I take that back I still support Italy I promise.

MAIN THREAT:
Defence is strong. Cassano up-front. Oh that's right, they don't use him. Scratch that. They have tight tops, SO IF YOU PULL THEIR JERSEYS, THE REF WILL SEE!! Unfortunately, this back-fired when the Italians realised they were the only ones pulling jerseys.

WEAKNESS:
There are no goals in this team. None. Cassano is great and so is Gillardino, but for some reason Lippi is fucking Vieri from behind on the side so his place is guaranteed. Unfortunately, he's about as useful as a cock flavoured lolly-pop.

Also, for some reason, the defence is looking mighty weak. I watched them play Scotland, and friend, when you've got trouble handling one striker you are in a world of fucking problems. When that one striker is a transfer-listed first division playing mullet by the name of Kenny Miller, you are inter-galactic president of the galaxy 'trouble', and second over-lord 'sort your fucking defence out now please' of Blargon-7.

I signed Accardi from Palermo in Football Manager and he was a fucking rock. Maybe they should play him on the left instead.


Notice the stance, the fiery eyes. He is about to unleash hell. On you. While you're not looking.

POTENTIAL:
Another year of waste. They will achieve absolutely nothing. I'm through putting money on them. Hopefully just before they got knocked out by some back-water country like Bulgaria, we'll get to see Totti spit and drop-kick someone in the face. That would rule.



ENGLAND

Hmm. Oh how I'd love to say we're gonna win the World Cup. I could. But I'd by lying through my fucking teeth.


SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!

Technically speaking, the English team is very, very strong. Our defence is fucking solid and Wayne Rooney is a god amongst men. When Gerrard plays for Liverpool he is the fucking man. Maybe if we put him in a Liverpool shirt. Maybe if we play a defensive midfielder. MAYBE IF WE DUMP FRANKY LAMPS THE UNPRODUCTIVE KID.

MAIN THREAT:
Sven Goran Eriksson is a real threat to England. Because he is clueless. Somehow he boned hottie Ulrika Johnson. I hate him.

WEAKNESS:
Too many good attacking midfielders and not enough good defensive ones. Butt can tackle but plays for Birmingham. Carrick can sit but is outrageously ugly. Beckham can pass. Jenas can do none of them. Parker can tackle and pass, but is about as mentally sound as the cast of The Jacket.

If he can stop trying to disembowl people and concentrate on just winning the ball, he'll be perfect and maybe he can regain that Charlton form that banked him a transfer to the talent graveyard that is Chelsea.


HAHAH WIN??? YOU????? HAHAH

POTENTIAL:
Maybe Eriksson will get fired and Sam Allardyce or Stuart Pierce will come in. Then we will win the World Cup. Allardyce will get Teddy Sheringham and Andy Cole and juice them up with his herbal medicines and shit and they'll score ten each, with Rooney playing just behind them.

In all seriousness, I doubt very highly they will do anything. There's a glimmer of hope, but it's fading with every day Eriksson continues to be England manager.



CZECH REPUBLIC

It was a good day. I had put 40 bucks on the Czech Republic to win Euro 2004 at the odds of 22 to 1. They had just, three days prior, bent over the Dutch team, dropped shorts and pissed (en masse) all over the Dutch team.


BACK ROW, FROM THE LEFT: That dumb guy in The Whole 10 Yards with a shaved head, Some random, The Last of the Mohicans, Young Denis Bergkamp, GOD, Someone who appears to have been slapped in the face with a shovel.
FRONT ROW: Jamie Carragher with his head shrunk x2, Colin Farrel in Minority Report, A guy who for some reason is touching two male thighs, The second last of the Mohicans, Pavel Nedved



90 minutes later and they were knocked out at the semis by either Portugal or Greece.

I forget which one it was, as I have tried to block that memory out of my mind for the past year.

MAIN THREAT:
Pavel Nedved is still a legend, even though he is about six hundred and twenty three years old. Rosicky is great, Ujfalusi is solid, and Milan Baros Part II is awesome when he wears that Czech jersey.

WEAKNESS:
Outside of Nedved and Rosicky, the whole team is pretty much shit.

POTENTIAL:
None. Absolutely no chance. Before you can say a team has anywhere near a hope of doing well you've got to look at the defence. Brazil would slam their balls into the back of the Czech net, like B-list actors would to Paris Hilton's vaginal region.

No hope.



And there it is Brazil will win the World Cup. Put your money on them. If not, then Holland. And maybe a small bet on Germany. I guess Portugal might have enough of a chance to warrant a place on this preview, but not really. Ronaldo and Andrade doesn't really constitute a world-cup winning team. Anyway. Football, yeah!