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Superhero Mysteries!
By James
Everyone loves superheroes. Not one of you people reading this site when
through your life without seeing an episode of Superman or X-Men, and with
the current Hollywood whorage of comic book-movie adaptations, it's
getting even less possible to avoid them.
My favourite superhero as a kid was always Batman, because he was the only
one that I could really aspire to be. Sure Wolverine was cool, but where
was I going to get a load of ademantium and how was I going to graft it to
my skeleton? Spiderman was cool too, but I could hardly climb walls,
neither was I given the full powers of hell and a costume that could
protect me from anything like Spawn was.
But Batman, he had no super-powers, just a load of gadgets (which I could
get from Toys R Us) and some martial arts skills (which I could learn). He
was just a regular guy who kicked ass because it's what he believed in.
Not kicking ass per se, but stopping criminals, which just happened to
involve the odd ass kicking.
Anyway enough of that crap, let's get onto what really matters - some
serious superhero mysteries, that have troubled some of the best minds in
the world, for eons!
How Was Superman Able To
Have A Son?
I don't know about you, but
I find it extremely difficult to comprehend how Superman was ever able to
impregnate someone, let alone have that person conceive his baby.
Superhuman is a proverbial
"Man of Steel", everything he does packs a punch. He can punch through
walls, kick down a building, and so I'm sure that when he ejaculates it's
equally devestating, probably strong enough to burst a hole in the back of
whoever he's banging. Surely unless the mother of his child is Wonder
Woman, there's no way they can take the sheer velocity at which Superman's
sperm leaves his dick.
Why Did Superheroes Change
Back?
Captain Marvel was a cripple
when he wasn't a Superhero, so why the hell would he ever want to change
back. Surely under the guise of his superhero alter-ego, he lived a life
of fame and glamour, full of alcohol and hotties, whereas his life as a
crippled guy was full of morning back aches and early-bird lunches.
The only possible
explanation for him returning to cripple form is that he get better
parking as a disabled person.
Where Did Daredevil's Stuff
Come From?
Everyone who saw the
Daredevil movie wants to know: Where the hell did his crap come from? His
bath-tub that shuts out the sound, his hideous costume, his walking-stick
that turns into a whip and of course, that gaudy monstrosity of a secret
area of his house which looks like Cher's bedroom.
Perhaps this is explained
comprehensively in the comic book (I never read Daredevil), but for the
rest of us who only watched it in the cinema, we're left to wonder.
Well thus concludes the
first batch of Superhero mysteries that just about fulfils my quota for
geekiness today. While on the subject of comics, does anyone actually like
the Batman and Robin movie? Did anyone like how Mr Freeze had to
say everything in a *cold* way like "Cool party!", "Everybody Chill" and
"Stay Cool!"? Bah.
james@suckball.com (I am Batman)
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