I think that when Jim said
that Ariel was hot in the first American Pie movie, it finally meant
that people other than hardcore geeks could talk about the sexiness of
Disney characters. Sure Japan ships over it's hentai Jap school girls
masturbating, Jap school girls having sex with teachers, Jap school
girls being raped by monsters, Jap school girls being raped by multi-tentacled
monsters while sucking off the head-master and of course, plain old
Japanese school girls getting on with their boyfriends, by the dozen,
but no matter how much people like that stuff, for me the Disney women
universally hold more appeal.
Although, I always thought
that Carmen San Diego was hot in an un-attainable way.
First of all, they're pretty
much all princesses, which means that you're in with a pretty good shot
at being king sometime in the future, and second of all, they're all
hot. Well, most of them are hot anyway. And on top of those, Disney
women are the most understanding in the world, you could lie to them,
kill their father, fight against them or fuck their best friend, as long
as you say sorry and at least sound like you mean it, they'll listen to
your story.
So without further ado, the
top five Disney women;
5. Esmerelda; As
I write this now, I'm actually starting to have second thoughts. I'm
starting to realise that maybe she wasn't all that attractive, that
maybe it was just because she spent the whole movie standing next to
Quasimodo that made her look good. Shit, Sloth from The Goonies could
stand next to Quasimodo and look good.
But hey, she had the whole
dancing thing going which is always a good thing. And she was a gipsy,
so who knows what kind of funky stuff she got into behind closed doors.
Plus, she had some serious spunk, jumping from rooftops and shit, so
that's good too.
Unfortunately though, I'm not
well into the whole Christianity thing, not like she seems to be anyway,
and I swear to god, if I hear that "God Help The Outcasts" song again I
will kill someone.
Hotness Rating: 53%
4.
Megra; She is aesthetically hot, there's no doubting that, but her
voice was too manly, and not in a hot Liz Hurley kind of way, she
sounded more like Cher having a flu. She did seem like the horniest of
all the Disney girls, but I don't know, I just don't think she's hot
enough to break the top three.
You're going to have trouble
trying to get Meg in the sack if you aren't the most caring guy in the
world, and I mean that literally. There are, in general three different
types of guys who can get girls; athletic, cool/rebellious and
sensitive. Remembering that she's been with Hercules who is pretty
fucking athletic, and she's spent god knows how many years with Hades,
it looks like you're going to have to re-think trying to impress her
with either your six-pack and rock-hard man breasts, or how cool you are
because you do bad stuff like shop-lift or vandalise. Hades was king of
the Underworld, so we'll assume he did worse things than you could ever
do, and Hercules could probably grind your skull into powder with his
nuts.
And talk about tough fucking
act to follow. You know when your girlfriend says "Oh yeah Brad (her ex)
is the top lawyer in the city now" and you're like fuck because
you're just a newspaper reporter. Imagine being on a date with Meg; "Oh
yeah, Hercules, you know my ex? Well he was son of Zeus (the god of
gods) was stronger than a herd of ox, had his own shoe, killed a Hydra
single-handedly, saved god knows how many kids and oh yeah as if that
wasn't enough, he had a flying horse".
She also comes with that
baggage of 'having her heart broken before' which is a major issue,
because it means you're going to have to work at least three times
harder at getting her. All the time re-assuring that you aren't going to
fuck her over and all that shit. I don't know, it's just too much of a
hassle, and guys are all about instant returns.
Hotness Rating: 62%
3. Ariel; I feel
that by putting Ariel in the three spot may rouse more than a little
debate, but just bear with me a few seconds and listen to my reasoning.
If you still disagree, than just write me a nice letter, citing your
reasons and then take it, and shove it up your ass. All the way up
there, because this is my site and I don't care what you think.
So why is Ariel number three?
Well I was discussing this with my co-worker, who said she should be
top, but my main arguement was two-fold;
Guys, imagine the scenario,
you go out on a date with a girl, things are going great, you drop her
off in your car (or sub-marine, whatever) and she says "Would you like
to come in?", you're thinking fucking right, and you follow her to the
house, you open the door and her dad is sitting there. You get in and he
is pissed, he asks you loads of questions like are you a virgin and do
you do drugs and stuff, and then asks you to go home. How would you
feel? Well, take the image you had of the girl's dad, make him 9 feet
tall, make him pissed ALL THE TIME and give him a massive fucking
trident and then try to imagine how you'd feel. For me, having such a
raging hard-on of a father is such a turn-off, can you imagine having to
face him for the rest of your life?
Second of all, seeing her
comb her hair with a fork was king of cute at first, but I'll be fucked
if I'm going to teach her how to put on a t-shirt or open a window all
the time. It doesn't matter whether or not she's hot, OR that she's a
red-head (which in it's own right makes her a BABE), those two combined
couldn't make up for the hassle you'd get from dating Ariel.
Plus she had terrible taste
in men, Eric was a complete dolt who was neither charming nor good
looking and he was a fucking sailor.
Hotness Rating: 80%
2. Belle; I'm a
sucker for cute girls. I hate to say it and I don't know why, but I like
cute/innocent girls. And she's hot too, don't get me wrong, plus she
comes with the added bonus of not being attracted to those poster-boy
types (Gaston) and her Dad is a little off the rocker, which is all good
for you. Because if there's anything that Ten Things I Hate About You
taught us (other than that it would take copious amounts of money to get
a guy to go out with Julia Stiles), it was that girls' Dads can be real
pains in the ass when they want to be.
HOWEVER. One potential
stumbling block, may be that if you aren't the nicest guy in the world,
and I mean that literally, then you're going to have to always be
looking over your shoulder. Think about it, she fell in love with the
Beast because she could tell he was a good person, so clearly looks are
not the most important things that she looks for in a guy.
Anyway, yeah, she's hot, and
patient as hell, because if that had been me at the singing dinner I
would have lost it, there's no way I could have sat through a whole song
by that candle-stick guy and that annoying clock.
Hotness Rating: 85%
1.
Jasmine; Saying that Jasmine was a little hot, is like saying that
James Brown was a little black. Many people will argue that Ariel
deserves to hold top spot, but I vehemently beg to differ. First of all,
Jasmine got it on with Aladdin, who is not the best looking of Disney
men, was a thief and had a pet monkey. I think it's pretty safe to say
that she was more than a little understanding.
Second of all, the
father-in-law factor. What more could you ask for? Jasmine's dad was
short, fat and unbelievably stupid. You could have him eating out of
your hand in no time, just bust out the Jedi mind-tricks and you'll be
golden.
Did I mention that she was
un-believably hot? Shit, I'll even over-look the fact that she wore the
same out-fit every day, and you know why? Because look at how flimsy
those straps look! They could fall down at any point; gust of wind, a
trip, who knows!
Special James bonus!: People
who know me well will know that I absolutely hate my name, but with
Jasmine, I've got absolutely nothing to fear, shit she went out with
Aladdin when she still thought his name was Ali Abubwa or whatever it
was.
Finally, the reason why
Jasmine is the hottest Disney woman ever, and this could have tipped the
scale alone, without the aforementioned two points: The scene where she
is Jaffar's sex slave at the end - that outfit and part when she
pretends to come on to him, OMFG.
Hotness Rating: 200%
