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The Bad Boy Family and
more!
By James
I can't believe I've been
writing for damn near 20 solid articles and I've not once written one
about a rapper. Anyway, for those hard line rap fanatics waiting outside
my house with pickets demanding that I show love to those brothers
who made it outta the ghetto with a sidearm and some fly rhymes, I have
decided to make your wildest dreams come true.
Today my friends,
is the day that you've been waiting for. A review of the entire
rap scene of today. It won't be easy (mainly because I don't like hardly any
rappers for one reason or another) but hopefully it will be some fun. But
hey, if not I promise I'll include something special for those of you
survivors who make it to the bottom of this page.
Note:
There is no mention of Eminem in this article, because I feel that there
has already been too much said about him, and I dislike the reasons people
give for disliking him. Hmm, perhaps in saying that, I just added to a
never-ending cycle of dislike - Do you dislike the way I dislike the way
people dislike Eminem?
1996
proved a good year for humanity in general, as Suge Knight was thrown in
prison and both the Notorious B.I.G and Tupak Shakur were removed from the
face of the Earth in a move which proved that God exists and that the
universe needed to be kept sane and sensible.
However,
this year of mass hysteria did come at a price. Out of the B.I.G.'s and Shakur's collective ashes, Puff Daddy emerged like a surrogate Pheonix, to
suck and drain away at society's very soul as well as every now then, show
us that money can in fact buy you any woman you want.
Don't you even fucking dare say 'Come With Me' again
Sean 'P.Diddy'
Combs released his album 'No Way Out' the next year, and to be
quite frank, it was met with rather luke-warm interest. His
soon-to-be-platinum sales figures faltered, mainly due to the fact that
people were only buying the album for a chance of seeing Lil' Kim naked in
the CD inset and to hear what they thought would be the last of
Biggie's appearances.
People
quickly grew tired of Been Around The World and All About The
Benjamins, due to the fact that they sucked the proverbial donkey's
nut sack of suck. However, in an act which only serve to prove to me that in
compensation for his obvious lack of any musical talent other than the
skill of inhuman grunting, he was, by some spectral
power above, granted stardom, when the nation as a whole chose to forget
that the two songs which he gained success from - "I'll Be Missing You"
and "Can't Nobody Hold Me Down" were simply rip-offs of 2 songs done
previously by
the Police.
P.Diddy or Puff Daddy as he was known back in the day,
knew a good thing when he saw one, and so didn't end his mass rape of
previously good, non-rap songs, with the outrageously dis-tasteful 'Come
With Me' and put it on the soundtrack of one of the worse movies ever
released.
He would
later win a number of awards on the MTV Music Video Awards in 1998 and
date Jennifer Lopez along with her hulking continental plate of an ass.
And this, apart from creating one
of the most nightmare-inspiring mental pictures that didn't feature a
naked Missy Elliot ever, stood as a shining example to those non-money minded kids
in school today, that rolling in a 'phat pad' with ample 'green' can in fact
get you anything you want.
Generally, I've got no problem with Dr Dre and Eminem in my
opinion, they're fairly talented, I do have a problem with the shit spawn that they unleashed
though, that soul-sucking, lyric driveling cock monger: 50 Cent.
Do you like the way I make my forehead look like an ass?
50 Cent
sounds like shit, absolute shit, he raps as if he's just been stabbed at
the base of his cranium with a massive pack of that tranquilizer they used
in Jurassic Park. Sure, sometimes his lyrics are somewhat witty, but the
way he delivers them with as much fervor as a children's crayon.
But still
he's immeasurably successful. Why? I'll tell you, it's all a matter of
image. People see musicians who have been assembled as second rate, just
because they didn't grow together, writing shitty music with broken
guitars in a garage, they're passed off as superficial. However, 50 is an
actual gangster, who does gangster shit with Dre and
jigga jigga
Slim Shady - he's authentic street, therefore catapulting him into the
ranks of those rappers who are sitting pretty in their mansions with a
random whore and a bottle of outrageously priced wine.
This irritates me, because why should you care? It's
not like you're rolling around in his Bentley participating in mass acts
of gangsterism with him and his posse, you just listen to his music.
I dislike Ja Rule with a vengeance. It's not his
multiple puberty-suffering voice that pisses me off though, its that damn
line which he lives by. And I'm sorry, but there is no line in the history
of the world that should be said over and over again, in every song this
guy ever produces:
"It's Murder"
Perhaps it was his appearance in The Fast And The
Furious that set the ball rolling in my ever increasing mountain of
hate for Ja Rule, or perhaps it was the fact that he followed up that role
with a starring appearance in 'Half Past Dead'. Movies with titles
like that should be banned.
And if not for one thing, I would have to in all
honesty say that Ja Rule deserves to cascade into a shit covered pillar of
suck, but everyone has to admit, that he did make one outstanding
contribution to humanity when he unearthed Ashanti and put her on
TV. For this, Ja "thank god this article almost over" Rule, I salute you.
Why oh why are you running around with Ja Rule?
Definately, second hottest girl I can possibly think of (behind Marisa
Tomei), and if not for the fact that she hangs around with the
aforementioned meat head saying 'Iss murder baby', she may have been
pushing my top spot.
Nelly. Perhaps it's his name that irritates me. But it's more
likely the fact
that his lyrics make no fucking sense whatsoever. Let's look at
some of the lyrics this no-talent ass-clown penned in the massively popular
travesty of music, E.I.
"Andele andele mami, E.I. E.I.
Uh-oh! What's poppin tonight?
Andele andele mami, E.I. E.I.
Uh-oh! If the head right, Nelly there ery'night"
The face of the Beast
In a move which defied the laws of time, space and justice, Nelly was able to get filthy rich off the aforementioned lyrics. Perhaps I should try that
same dis-jointed, nonsensical lyric writing format, here's my song,
Chitty Boo:
"Chitty Chitty Boo Yo.
Shucks! Have a
drink
Chitty Chitty Boo Yo
Shucks! If you don't got a cooler, sip
from the sink!"
What do you think? I think I've got a hit on my hands,
now if I can just get my hands on one of those fly greater sweaters and a
band-aid to PUT ON MY FACE.
I hope you've enjoyed my insight into my history/who's
who of (c)rap music, and
with absolutely no relevance to this article, as your reward for finishing
it, here is a very juicy picture of Halle
Berry. Sorry, nothing worthwhile for any female readers. Not because I'm
sexist, but because I doubt Louis would allow any *ahem* compromising male
pictures on the server, especially when he's so vehemently homophobic.
Pimp me an email at
jamesthoo@hotmail.com
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