An Issue With Warning Labels       

By James

I have new respect for Head and Shoulders. It's not because they have rid my hair of dandruff, or made it particularly shiny, it's because they have done what I do not have the power to. They have taken a move to rid the visible and interactive world of stupid people. I'll tell you how at the end of this article, so as not to spoil the fun. Know this though, I can't stand stupid people. I'm not talking about those people who have something wrong with them, I'm talking about those sub-humans who just seem to have common sense streaming out of their ears, mouth and every available skin pore. You know the kind of people that I'm talking about right? The kind that call your house and then ask you where you are, and then ask you what you're doing, the kind that see you with a knife and fork in your hand, a plate of food in front of you and ask you if you're eating? They have long since been a major, MAJOR greivance that I have, but today I realised that not only do these hordes of gormless morons unendingly try my patience with there idiocy, but they also make many things in the shops more expensive.

Companies could save an absolute fortune on printing the labels on their products if they didn't have to cater for the terminally stupid, there wouldn't have to be any warning signs on anything, because let's face it, what sane person is going to put a bottle of acid they found in the science lab into their mouth? Therefore, because the big conglomerates are forced to print warnings on their products, they have to buy more ink, and therefore have to raise the prices. By small amounts yes, but in the long run, it could be a major problem for the sane of us.

Roll-On Deoderant. Do you know what the label says? "Do not apply this to your eyes". How many times in your life, have you found that you just cannot, CANNOT get a second date because your damn eyes just stink?! Seriously! What the hell is the point of that warning? I'll tell you, it's for the sale assistants who, when you bring a shirt to their desk and take out your wallet, ask you if you want to buy it.

Hair dryers. These bad boys warn you not to use while sleeping. I don't even know what to say about this one. It's just mindless, and the scariest thing, is that these warnings exist because someone probably called up or wrote a complaint letter after they had miss-used a product. But there's more, you can check them yourselves - on Nytol Sleeping pills "Warning: may cause drowsiness", on Marks & Spencer Bread and Butter Pudding - "Product will be hot after heating", on Tesco's Tiramisu dessert - (printed on bottom of box) "Do not turn upside down" and my personal favourite; on a Swedish chainsaw - "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".

Actually it's not so much respect I have for Head and Shoulders, but more, it's thanks. Why? Well, while most companies seek to accommodate their stupid consumers, Head and Shoulders has done the exact opposite, and for them we should be grateful. Have you ever read the back of one of their shampoo bottles? It says "Rinse, Lather and Repeat". I guess you're thinking that's harmless right? But I imagine there are probably still loads of idiots in the shower rinsing, lathering and repeating, because the bottle doesn't say "Dry your hair and get on with your life". Thank you Head and Shoulders, I appreciate your work to make the world a smarter place. I will leave you with a quote from Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt"