Ashanti’s Top Six Looks
I don’t know where she has gone but it’s disappointing. I had actually kind of enjoyed the constant put downs, the constant insistences that she looks like her head was crushed in a vice from the top, or her eyes were too far apart, I like having to justify why someone’s hot, I don’t know why its just something weird that I like to do. Anyway, in memory of her recent capitulation into film and Jesse Metcalfe movies, here is a tribute to bygone years;
#6 FOOLISH
The lying on top of War Machine look is a no brainer. (That was a fairly obscure joke since I’m not exactly certain how concrete it is that Terrence Howard is gonna play War Machine to Robert Downey Jr’s Iron Man in the upcoming movie, but I’m fairly certain because he is a) the only black actor outside of Denzel Washington and Jamie Foxx with any kind of credability and b) he’s fucking awesome)
The problem with this look though is that she’s on top of Terrence Howard and not me. There is also a problem with the hair as I’d rather take an elbow to the windpipe than go out with a girl who has shitty straight hair. This is her first video though, so we’ll let her off.
#5 COACH CARTER
In this movie that I haven’t seen where Samuel L Jackson plays a basketball coach who probably goes to some school in the inner city where the kids are fucking crack head idiots and then shows them discipline the Jules way. I’ve seen this movie a million times… didn’t it have Emilio Estevez and a hockey team?
Anyway ’street’ Ashanti isn’t a good look for her since I doubt she has ever been ’street’. It’s like when Wilmer Valderama tries to be street by saying ‘word’ and ‘break it down’ while wearing a plaid sweater/scarf combo, being flanked by a couple bodyguards and sleeping with Ashlee Simpson. He’s about as street as Captain Crunch.
I’m gonna be the honest this look is never good. There are at any time about five hundred thousand people walking the streets of England with this very look and not one of them looks remotely enticing.
#4 HAPPY
I fucking hate the video for ‘Happy’ because for the first fifteen or so seconds you have to put up with that bullshit where Ja Rule pretends like someone gives a shit about what he says over the opening chords of any song. It’s not like he’s saying anything even remotely interesting, it’s always the same bullshit:
a) murder inc baby
b) we’re gonna keep making these (mother fucking optional) hits and shit
c) yeah
d) grrrrr
e) murder
f) m-u-r-d-e-r
It’s also a compeltely crap video where she continues the straight hair sickness and dances with backup dancers like a Destiny’s Child video. She does look very happy though - no doubt this was a clincher when she was auditioning for Coach Carter.
#4 RAIN ON ME
I have no interest in seeing this video because look at that fucking image you can barely even tell it’s her. She looks more like Amerie there. Although that said, the first time I saw Amerie I thought she was Ashanti. Only difference I would later find was the talent, staying power and the size of Amerie’s fucking thighs.
Actually I’m not even convinced that that is Ashanti.
#3 THE TURNING UP AT THE ‘JOHN TUCKER MUST DIE’ PREMIERE WITH NELLY FOR NO APPARENT REASON LOOK
I hate Nelly. There’s no way you could possibly look good turning up anyway outside a whore den in Atlanta on Nelly’s arm. I don’t know why he is so smug he barely even looks human. Next.
After two minutes of hard hitting research I’ve just found out that Ashanti is engaged to Nelly or at the very least sleeping with him which has to make this a sucker year for Christianity. Earlier in the year we saw the success of The Da Vinci Code which tore the Christian faith at the seams, but now evidence of an unholy union between Ashanti and the guy who’s lyrics are ‘andele andele mami ei ei oh ohhh’ can only serve as evidence that a loving Christian god cannot possibly exist. Unless he only loves Nelly.
What the fuck do his lyrics even mean. I don’t want to look it up because I don’t want ‘Nelly’ in my internet search cache since it’d be like having ‘Rob Schneider’ or ‘anal fisting’ in it, but I’m fairly certain he’s probably won some major awards in his time, probably a grammy at least.
That was it there was no punchline to that paragraph, I thought it was funny just as it was.
Just to counter-balance my hatred of Nelly, to present a multi-sided view on the subject, here are a couple of things worse than Nelly (he isn’t all bad):
1. The holocaust
2. The Atomic bombings in Hiroshima and Nagasaki
3. Lindsay Lohan’s performance in anything
4. Hurricane Katrina
Nelly blows.
#2 JOHN TUCKER MUST DIE
Great look. Just, great look. I haven’t seen this rancid thing either but I want to. It’s like when I sat through two hours of the human torch trying to get it on with Scarlett Johansson in the Perfect Score. Undoubtedly this movie will be as pleasurable as forced anal penetration but knowing that she looks like that just makes it too difficult to pass up.
Also in this movie are (in descending order of hotness) Ashley Scott, Sophia Bush and Brittany Snow. Scott was the smoking one in Walking Tall who strips for The Rock and then he falls in love with her, enduring romance, permeable, just like Shakespeare wrote. Sophia Bush is the one who married Chad Michael Murray and then divorced him when she had the cracker jack idea that he might be unfaithful. Brittany Snow is the one who I believe was in The Pacifier. I’m not sure but I can’t be fucked looking up because if she a) was, then looking up info on her would be like looking up information on Goebels except without the historical significance and b) wasn’t, then who gives a shit who she is.
#1 ROCK WIT U
Now I can handle Terrence Howard macking on Ashanti because he’s awesome. But who the fuck is this clown who gets to mess around with Ashanti on an island and an elephant. That is fucking living. I’m starting to think that backing dancers should be the number one wanted occupations outside of presidency and pimp. You get to fuck around with hot celebrities, maybe score with them and get none of the intrusive papparazzi because no one gives a shit about you until you do the second thing I mentioned.
Seriously, who gave a shit about Cris Judd before or after he banged J-lo? Do you give a fuck now? I certainly don’t, primarily because he wears those low cut native indian jobs and timberlands and probably also because he slept with Jennifer Lopez and now by definition has to shy away from the light since it burns.
Anyway, this video look is another no brainer. She looks awesome and wears a hat. The rest of this video could be a one cut, medium close up of Lance Bass pissing against a wall and it would still come in at number one.
Sorry I haven’t update for fuckin ages, I’ve had crazy stuff to do. Best Album of all time? Blackstar - fuck I don’t remember the name of album but its money. It’s the one with Definition on it.
