suckball

Steven Lim. Steven Lim. Steven Lim. Steven Lim. Stevelim.net http://www.stevelim.net I love Steven Lim Oh my god I want to fuck Steven Lim. I am a hot 18 year old which chick with dynamite cans and I am hot for Steven Lim. Steven Lim Steven Lim. Please look me up Steven Lim.

I’m not sure how Google works, but I desperately, desperately hope the magnificent Steven Lim finds this page. One second looking at this guy’s website (http://www.stevenlim.net) tells me this guy is googling himself every fucking day, so hopefully somehow he gets here. For those of you who don’t know who this guy is, fear not, I myself only about ten minutes ago stumbled upon his majesty. He is basically the best looking guy in Singapore, if not the world. He also wields the English language with the kind of accuracy a drunk shows a fucking urinal, but it’s all just part of his charm. Check out the video that won me over:

As you can see there are two major burns:

1. Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

2. You sucks, you sucks, sucks, sucks sucks etc

Also, if this guy isn’t eating cock every night I will be flat out stupefied:

Steven Lim I hate you. Hit me back, man. Chew my ass out like the bad ass you are.

At work we have this annual Summer Box Office Prediction Contest. And while I was doing some research, I figured why not write this shit up, tell you people what to watch this summer, so you might avoid watching shit. In the past two weeks I’ve seen NEVER BACK DOWN and 21. NEVER BACK DOWN was so bad it almost made my eyes puke, and 21 pretty much made my brain puke. Talk about the worst ever explanation of the Monty Hall Paradox ever. People need to start watching good movies.

Oh, and I only have seven so far. RED BELT is something I definitely looking forward to, since David Mamet is one of my fucking heroes, but that film has as much chance of making good money, as I have of living where I do and eating good Chinese. The only Chinese restaurant here has “Chinese Pizza” on the menu! Chinese Pizza! As if there is such a thing!

#07 WALL - E

To be honest, I could give a shit about Pixar films. I haven’t seen any that I’ve really liked. I know that’s borderline blasphemous, but whatever. I hate them. This one is - from what I can tell - a feature length film with little to no dialogue? Fuck off.

#06 WANTED

This film looks fucking ridiculous but damnit I like it. Morgan Freeman continues to push his creative boundaries by taking on the role of old, wise, freckled black man. Angelina Jolie plays Assassin Who Doesn’t Know When To Quit With The Eye Shadow. James McAvoy plays a regular joe who turns out can actually bend bullets. Nice.

#05 IRON MAN

Robert Downey Jr. is about to have a fucking banner year. The advertising campaign for this flick hasn’t missed a beat, every trailer, every tv-spot, every poster has been a home run. The only thing keeping it so low on the list is my expectation that people are mostly stupid.

#04 THE DARK KNIGHT

If this were a perfect world this film would make so much money people would hear the figure and just fall over dead. Everything about this thing looks badass. The viral campaign is starting to do my head in, but fuck all that shit. There are probably question marks over every film on this list, save for this one. There is basically no chance at all that this film will be anything but a masterpiece. Also, don’t worry about those rumors some of Heath Ledger’s scenes might be cut, I’ve had trusted sources confirm to me that the whole thing is bullshit.

#03 HANCOCK

Great concept, great star. Just a solid money-maker, right here. Jason Bateman is one of the funniest people on the planet, but he can’t open a movie on his own. Thankfully the lead is Will Smith, who at this point could be filmed taking a dump on a nun’s face and still open to $200m. Charlize Theron will do her best not to be outdone but she’ll really just be there for aesthetic purposes.

#02 TROPIC THUNDER

No doubt about it this will be the funniest movie of the year. I’ve been privileged enough to see some footage from this flick and Robert Downey Jr. is sick. There’s also what has now become a fairly well known secret cameo by a fairly well hated actor that will turn everyone back to his side. I’ve wanted to beat Ben Stiller to death with a shovel for years now, but he will redeem the shit out of himself this year.

#01 INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

I could care less about a new Indy movie, but there is no doubt in my gd mind that this film will make over a bazillion dollars. In fact it might make so much money that money itself becomes obsolete. We will start bartering with diamonds and Rolexes or something.

I was really bored about an hour ago, and I decided to watch an old episode of TRANSFORMERS. I thought that there was no way it could be as good as I remembered it being. Guess what: it is. It totally is. Here is the breakdown of one of my favourite episodes as a child, “Fight or Flee”, the best look we ever get at Sandstorm, who I loved because he could turn into three different things, as opposed to just two, which I had been used to at the time. Now that I look back as a twenty-two year old I wonder who I liked this pussy so much. Why didn’t I like Cyclonus? He is bad ass.

The episode starts out with Cyclonus and Scourge chasing Slingshot, who for no reason seems to be off gallivanting around the galaxy. He hides around a piece of floating rock, which suddenly becomes fucking enormous, and basically the size of a planet when considering how big the Transformers are.

That’s when the Aerialbots pop out and sand bag them. Typically a massive gunfight ensues where no one at all gets shot. Fortunately Cyclonus and Scourge find an inter-galaxy warp, inside which they find a planet populated by peaceful Transformers. Immediately, Cyclonus realises that the planet is populated by fucking pussies and there is officially a new mack in town. Also, there is an abundance of energon, you know, the thing that the entire series is based upon. So of course, he makes an inter-galactic call to Galvatron to come over and clean up.

Cyclonus tells Scourge to set his weapons to ’stun’, a feature that they have for no apparent reason whatsoever, since all they ever do is fuck people up. They rush the group of Paradronians who are discussing what to do about Cyclonus and Scourge, blowing Sandstorm (their de facto leader) away and seizing control. Some slope pipes up “but this is a democracy!” and then, suddenly due to my incredible hatred of democracy, I have no sympathy for when Cyclonus makes him “dance” like in those old westerns.

Even though these guys are intense pacifists, there is a fully-fledged prison block, presumably for people who forgot their table manners, or jay-walked. Anyway, Cyclonus, of course tosses Sandstorm’s ass in the clink, but fortunately there is a barred window in the cell, which while seemingly only the size of his head, is in fact the size of his entire fucking body, and the bars on it are easily destroyed by a handy little arm laser he happens to have. Neat!

He is detected escaping, so Razor Claw and a tank dude who I have no idea to his name are sent out to chase him down. Razor Claw jumps like several hundred thousand times faster than he runs, but for no apparent reason decides to run half the way. That way he gets to crack jokes I guess. Eventually Divebomb finds Sandstorm trying to escape in some huge rocket ship. So to kill him as fast as possible, he flies directly into the sky and then sweeps around to fly straight for him, when he could have just, you know, flown straight for him.

Hot Rod decides to heed Sandstorm’s rescue call. Kup of course doesn’t believe Sandstorm because he’s about a bazillion years old and he thinks he knows every fucking thing. Then Blur runs on screen and makes you want to slap him with your dick. You can’t of course, and that is a painful fact to swallow.

Of course, Galvatron, hero that he is puts all the autobots of Paradron to slave work, making missiles. Not that any of the Decepticons fucking use missiles, you understand. Just because he can. What else are they gonna make? Razor Claw shoots up the incoming Autobot ship with some intergalactic laser. Of course, it was just a decoy, since that’s pretty much the only move in the Autobot play book. Then, about fifty Autobots pop out from behind the meteor and no one notices a thing.

Sky Lynx flies overhead while the Autobots, which is basically Hot Rod and Springer destroy everyone. Sandstorm rouses the population of die hard pacifists to fight the Decepticons, whose sole existence has been to fuck people up. Let’s see who wins this fight.

Cut to Ultra Magnus who doesn’t realise he is walking into a trap, because why would he? He is a fucking galloot. Thankfully he has a secret radio mechanism in his chest, which I have never seen before, and he can call Hot Rod for help. That’s when Hot Rod hits him with his master plan: blow up the entire planet. Because that’s the other contingency in the Autobot playbook. His rationale? Because if the Decepticons get this planet, every other planet will be vulnerable. Really? How’s that? Why would they ever be more vulnerable than if the Decepticons didn’t have this planet of pacifist robots.

All the robots who were dull yellow are suddenly different colours. Nope now they’re dull yellow. Nope, now there are different colours. And we’re back to dull yellow.

Sandstorm (because he knows its location) and Ultra Magnus (for no reason) are sent to go and set a block of C4 on the planet’s energon source. God knows why Sandstorm needs a helicopter form, since he seems capable of flying in his dune buggy form. He tells Magnus to shut the fuck up for the first one hundred yards upon entering the building that houses the energon, but even that is not a command he is capable of adhering to. He of course drops some knowledge and then inexplicably grabs the rocket, throwing it at a bunch of Constructicons who happened to be chilling the back of the room, undisturbed by that rocket sentry.

Galvatron with a free shot of course misses the two of them and then is blinded by Magnus’ truck lights. Didn’t he learn anything from TRANSFORMERS the animated movie? And the robots are back to all being dull yellow.

The whole planet explodes, because, you know, no other choice. And apparently this is a satisfactory result, the end.

First up, am I jealous of Michael Buble? No shit I am. I would trade my life and at least through blood family members for a sniff of the kind of luck that boy has. Also, I’ll be totally honest, I don’t really know a thing about the guy - he could be an awesome fella, but right now I’m in a massive funk. Usually I look at him with a kind of masked and nondescript contempt, but I was listening to Ella Fitzgerald just now on YouTube and one of the user comments was that ‘OMG I love this song but Michael Buble does it better’. Give me a fucking break. From what I can tell, Buble recycles all the awesome jazz music from bumfuck anywhere and then basks in the critical acclaim. Of course the music he makes is awesome; it was awesome to begin with. I’m pretty sure if I painted an exact copy of the Mona Lisa, it would be awesome. Would I deserve credit for this? Not at fucking all. Even Robbie Williams made an awesome album with Swing When You’re Winning, re-doing a bunch of old songs by Sinatra, Bobby Darin etc. And this is the guy who made Rudebox. Rudebox, guys.

I don’t usually do this, but I’m going to try and learn about the topic I’m throwing myself at while writing this piece. Anyway, here is his absolutely fucking horrific cover of Maroon 5’s THIS LOVE to further my argument:

Now here are my problems with this shit:

1. Problems with lyrics. A fucking monkey could remember those lyrics. I could take a mallet to the face and a bottle of vodka and still sing those lyrics they were on the damn radio so much for the past five years. Sure, people forget them every now and then but this ass clown is supposed to be a FUCKING CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED, PAID SINGER. Also, I haven’t heard any of his music, but please don’t take this to mean I’ve never seen the fucker on television: far from it, since every time I flick the tube on I get his shit-eating grin telling me ‘hey, I’m Michael Buble; I’m an entertainer’. An Entertainer!!! Can’t be bothered or is unable to learn lyrics to an entire song, but is a fucking entertainer!!! YOU ROCK MICHAEL BUBLE

Of course, there’s also the chance he did that shit on purpose. His face would lead me to believe he thought that shit up and then said aloud, ‘hey, I’m Michael Buble; I’m a genius’. But guess what, guy; it both sounded and looked like shit. So, no, dude… fail.

2. The part where he realises he completely fucked up fifty percent of the lyrics and then declares ‘that was good.’

3. With the exception of Buble going ‘WOWOOOYOYOOOOOAOAAAY’ at the end, this version of This Love sounds exactly the same as the original version. How is this different to some trollop doing a version in a karoake bar? I’ll tell you, the only difference is that he is a good singer and karaoke joe ain’t. But fuck man, I’m a good masterbator but I ain’t get paid shit to do it. This is my fucking problem with this kind of tribute bullshit. If it’s just the same fucking song, sang in the same way, with the exact same words just by a different guy, move the fuck on. I just saw ACROSS THE UNIVERSE, which, (in other news was the mother of all cock-teases since I had to stop watching about an hour and a half in it was so boring, but) for about half an hour at the beginning I thought it might be my favourite movie of the year. And one of the reasons for that was that all these awesome Beatles songs were redone in totally new ways and yet were still awesome. The first one sang by Evan Rachel Wood, which I forget, and then I Wanna Hold Your Hand by the gay cheerleader, in particular were fucking stupendous. This cookie-cutter bullshit Buble pukes forth and expects us to like is sickening.

Seriously, how would you feel if you heard that Eminem was gonna do a version of Happy Birthday To You, and then you bought it and it was the same fucking song you’d been singing to your friends and relatives since you were a same kid. I don’t know about you but I’d be pissed.

I’m going to keep going with the visual evidence until I find one that changes my mind.

EXHIBIT #2

I believe that no further comment is necessary.

Oh wow, a clip of Buble doing Mack The Knife, which is one of my all-time favourite songs; I can’t wait to see how this turns out.

VS.

Okay, you got me there, your performance does have some shit that Robbie Williams’ doesn’t. What are those things? Well, some form of involuntary neck and/or shoulder spasm, and of course, the Buble signature big masturbatory, shit-eating grin.

Okay, this song EVERYTHING, from what I can tell reading about the guy is supposedly his magnum opus. And yeah, I’ll be honest, it’s pretty sweet and it ain’t a rehash of Sinatra. Those are both massive pluses for him. But fuck man, it ain’t even written by him entirely. I fucking bet ‘co-writer’ Alan Chang and possibly Amy Foster-Gilles wrote the mother fucker and then Buble fashioned some diatribe he had written on a piece of paper into a bunch of coherent lyrics and then set them to it garnering him a credit. How is this any different to the kinda shit Britney Spears does (did)? Except that he doesn’t shave his head and/or leave his kids in a dumpster somewhere. I swear to god I would put money on the fact that he had little to do with fashioning the melody. Hell, if he could do it himself, why have the other fuckers getting credit??

I wish this kid was right, that he was an entertainer, and that he would entertain my fantasy of putting my foot through his face. Does he deserve all my contempt? Probably not, but like he fucking cares, he’s probably living like Scrooge McDuck and swimming in a big pool of money, taking breaks only to grin at things and fuck his ridiculously hot Hollywood girlfriend (Emily Blunt). Plus, since I stopped writing about a year ago, I think this website literally gets about three hits a month, which isn’t exactly going to change the world. And the thing is, I really don’t mind if people do shitty things like this, I don’t even really mind that they get famous for it, just don’t fucking like it, man. Seriously. Don’t walk around town with that shit-eating grin acting like your shit don’t stink just because you can take a song done by someone else and then sing it the same way. We do that shit every day in our cars, man. Old men you meet in the bar who can’t remember the names were doing that shit when you were still swimming around in your Dad’s balls.

If I was Buble, and some guy came up to me on the street and was like ‘Oy, Buble, you suck! All you do is recycle someone else’s songs!’, I’d just put my hands up and go ‘Yep. But hey, people seem to like that shit, what’re you gonna do?’. But I bet if that really happened, he’d just flash that grin and then go ‘Nah, man. I’m Michael Buble, I’m an entertainer, look, SHHOOOOBBAADDDOOODADDEEEDAAADOOOOO’.

God, I’m literally exhausted. To sum up, I hate Michael Buble.

Since I didn’t get offered to write one of these for the site that I am a paid employee of, and because Suckball basically got started because I can’t keep my opinions to myself, here is my arbitrary Favorite Seven Movies of 2007. Something to note: I’m paid to give my opinions on films; I saw BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU’RE DEAD, NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN. And they’re wonderful, but I liked others more. Deal with that shit, you fucking fascist.

#7. KNOCKED UP & SUPERBAD

KNOCKED UP is marginally the better movie, but SUPERBAD was marginally the funnier film. Both marked this being the undeniable year of Judd Apatow who struck gold with some incredible humour. His films are so good that they can make people who look like Seth Rogan and Jonah Hill jump to the top of the A-list.

#6. TRANSFORMERS

There was absolutely no way I was going to dislike this movie. The plot is paper thin with holes you could shove Rosie O’Donnell through and I don’t think Megan Fox is anywhere near as hot as people are making out, and there are even behind the scenes things which massively pissed me off (no Megatron can’t turn into a gun - it wouldn’t make sense for him to be huge then tiny. So we’ll make the Allspark huge… and then tiny). But everything Michael Bay put on the screen was so sharp it gave my eyes boners. Shia Labeouf is great, but Hugo Weaving stole it for me when he shouted Priiiiiiime! Even though Megatron looked like he transformed into a plate of silverware.

#5. MY BLUEBERRY NIGHTS

Admittedly, this film is at times absolutely terrible, and at many others mediocre. But like VANILLA SKY some ten years earlier, because this film made me fall in love with Norah Jones, I absolutely adored this film. The cinematography is fucking brilliant and fucking typical of Wong Kar Wai. It even made me like Cat Power.

#4. ZODIAC

The Finch is my favourite film maker not named Aronofsky. I’ve spent entire evenings defending ALIEN 3. So I guess I was predisposed to like this film. The cast is incredible and some of the cinematic innovations are wonderful (I’m looking at you panning shot over the Bridge). It’s a little long, and since I’m a stickler for concrete resolution I can’t make this number one, but don’t listen to anyone who says this movie is no good.

#3. PLANET TERROR

My only regret is that DEATH PROOF was attached to this thing because Tarantino’s leg is piss poor. Let me tell you, the trailer had looked awful to me and I only decided to watch that thing because Mary Elizabeth Winstead was in it, but I couldn’t even sit through it long enough to get to her part. And I sat through fucking SKY HIGH just to catch a glimpse of her. PLANET TERROR is absolutely hilarious from start to beginning. And I’m no fan of Robert Rodriguez. But homeboy can even make Fergielicious not look like an ass with arms and legs. And that might not be worth an Oscar come ceremony time, but I’d give that mother fucker a Nobel Prize.

#2. 30 DAYS OF NIGHT

This was far and away my favourite until a couple of weeks ago. I absolutely despise horror movies but this film was fucking dead on. I also hate Josh Hartnett like I hate anal rape or The Spice Girls, but I can’t deny this thing. Brand new take on Zombies, which basically amounts to business executives with blood beards, but they’re scary as shit. Only problem with the film is when the corrupt cop from BATMAN BEGINS rams his tractor thing into the building for no apparent reason.

#1. GONE BABY GONE

People either like Matt Damon or they like Ben Affleck. I’m with the latter, and I was since GOOD WILL HUNTING. But as much as I like stupid, repugnant shit like REINDEER GAMES and GIGLI, there’s absolutely no doubt directing is Affleck’s true calling. His debut is ridiculously assured and his broseph Casey is fantastic in the lead. Michelle Monaghan looks a little short of her usual erection-inducing self, but Amy Ryan gives the performance of the fucking year as Helene Mcready.

It’s about 12 midnight and I should be sleeping, but for some reason I had a sudden bout of nostalgia and suddenly I didn’t want Suckball.com to die. As Louis mentioned, I have a new job now but every time I see him he talks about how much he loves Suckball.com and how it’s his baby and how if he was Neo he’d jump inside the coding and take it on a date. I’m not really sure what I was going for there. Nevermind, let’s move on. So anyway, I had the dynamite idea that I’d write something really worthwhile, but I couldn’t think of enough wordplays for quantum mechanics, and Rihanna only has like 4 videos, so I couldn’t really do a top 10 Rihanna videos list, so I thought fuck it, tits and ass are the way to go. And thus I present to you the top chicks list for this year.

#8 - FERGIE (ONLY IF MY FOOT IS IN HER FACE)

God damn I can’t go anywhere without either seeing this chick’s ass or hearing her big girls don’t cry song, which sounds like ass anyway. She’s fucking nasty! She looks like an old, old Chinese woman from the neck up. She’s got a slamming body, but a silverback gorilla could eat salads and work out 7 days a week and I would not want to fuck it. She looks okay in GRINDHOUSE, for the minute that she’s involved, partly because it’s night time and you can’t see her face, and secondly because she gets attacked and mamed by a pack of zombies, which is pretty much the best thing to ever happen on film, since Josh Harnett bought it at the end of PEARL HARBOUR.

#7 - REGINA SPEKTOR

It’s gotten to the point now where Louis will classify chicks as 1. slim, 2. fat, and 3. ‘your kind of chunky’. Because for some reason I have a thing for slightly heavy broads. Anyway, I think Spektor’s hot, so fuck you. She’s Russian and Communist block chicks are always gonna be interesting. And plus she’s musical like crazy. And cute. I’m not sure what else to say. Check her out HERE I guess.

#6 - MEGAN FOX

Who the fuck was this chick before TRANSFORMERS? And where did she come from? To be perfectly honest I’m not all that jazzed up about her, but everyone I know seems to pop wood just at the sound of her name. I guess it’s pretty hot when she opens up The Beef’s car in TRANSFORMERS, but other than that I could take or leave her. Still she suddenly became the all time hottie of hotties, so I guess 2007 was a fucking banner year for her. Way to hit the jackpot Brian Austin Green (the dude on the right, who she just got engaged to).

#5 - SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Did I see her in anything this year? I’m not sure. Either way, she still has both the best voice and the best rack in Hollywood, perhaps the world. She’s probably still the most unmatched beauty on the planet. Thankfully if tabloids are as reliable a source as I know them to be, then she’s finally over the date a douchebag part of her life, which involved Jared Leto and Josh Hartnett as the number one beneficiaries. Fuck I hate Jared Leto. The guy is a fucking incredible actor but he chooses to headline a shitty band and wear tight jeans all day. Johansson has the best rack in Hollywood, perhaps the world. I also love her voice. Did I mention her rack?

#4 - ROGUE IN MARVEL VS CAPCOM 2

I don’t know if I mentioned this before, but I used to play Marvel vs. Capcom 2 at ridiculous lengths. Well over the summer, with nothing better to do during the days, I totally got sucked back into it, to the point of getting a PS2 and buying an arcade stick so that Louis and I could play in his house. You probably don’t know shit about the game but Rogue is a low tier character and Cable pretty much destroys her, but she’s hot as shit so I’m playing her every time. Her accent slays me. I wish I could see how the broad that voices her looks because I’m pretty sure I want to marry her.

By the way, if you’re that dude who plays in Megamall, whose Cable/Sent/CapCom got fucking ruined by Rogue/Cable/Tron, that was me mother fucker. I saw you peak round the machine.

#3 - AVRIL LAVIGNE

I’ve been saying Avril Lavigne was hot for years now. Back then she was making surprisingly good music for a bratty Canadian chick flanked by her ‘riding on Avril’s coat tails to fame and pussy, despite little to no discernable talent’ band. Now she’s regressed to an almost fetal state of musical creativity and suddenly she pops cleavage and she’s a SMOKING HOTTIE. I can’t stand that Hey Hey You You song but knights of columbus that thing is POWERFUL. I swear to god, you hear that song one time and you can’t stop singing it for the rest of the day. On the plane home from Malaysia I was listening to her album a little bit and it’s more of the same shit, so if you like walking around like a zombie you should totally check her album out.

#2 - MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Who? Right, you didn’t see GRINDHOUSE. No-one did, right? Don’t worry I saw GRINDHOUSE, but I could only sit through the first three quarters of its duration aka all the shit before Tarantino’s flick and then about ten minutes into that until his shitty dialogue had blood pouring from my ears. So no, technically I didn’t really see Winstead either, but I see pictures of her now and she makes Rosario Dawson look like a mountain goat. I actually wonder now if when I was getting all hot over Dawson in CLERKS 2 if it was just because she spent the movie in the same frame as that fugly dude who owned the Kwik-Stop or whatever.

Anyway, so fuck GRINDHOUSE, she also played John McClane’s daughter in a little film called DIE HARD 4: FINALLY THE FRANCHISE IS COOL AGAIN. I don’t really know what to say about this flick except that if you could manufacture film from erections, one liners and machine guns, this is what it would look like.

#1 - RIHANNA

If you know me, then there was never really any question. God damn it her music is so bad it can probably kill most land mammals from a mile but fuck she’s hot. I knew she was hot when I was falling asleep in front of the TV last year and suddenly realised what I was listening to should have been killing me (it was that SOS song), but her smoking hotness was keeping me alive. It’s a strange paradox. First chick I can think of to be hot in every single video. I read now that Shia Labeouf is tapping her which makes me happy inside. He’s cool and if it came to it I think I could kick his ass, so I like to look at it like he’s keeping her warm for me.

Go listen to Bad Skin Day by Bell X1.

I’m one of those people who thought that SPIDERMAN 2 was a masterpiece. So it’s extremely disappointing to have to see SPIDERMAN 3 fail so miserably. I literally mean it when the best part of this movie was Bryce Dallas-Howard. I’ll put my hands up and say I was only moderately aroused when I saw her in THE VILLAGE, but homegirl is SMOKIN hot in SPIDEY 3. Which asks the question, why the fuck, in what universe would Peter Parker ever choose MJ Watson over Gwen Stacy. This films just promotes bullshit if we’re supposed to believe he would go for that bitchy hack, whose only enduring plus is that she’s a red-head. But I guess they’re ‘in love’, and so the bullet-proof movie romance mechanism wins once again (even though she’s a bitch and he’s a superhero, but go figure).

The other huge problem with this movie was concerning the villains. I will always believe that a superhero movie is only as good as its villains. That’s why SUPERMAN RETURNS sucked and why the DVD cover of BATMAN AND ROBIN can send Mongolian tribes fleeing for their lives. Thus, SPIDERMAN 3’s massive failing was in the department of villain development. The SANDMAN spent most of the movie doing absolutely nothing. That’s basically it. He goes to see his kid and then he robs a bank. That’s it. But the thing is, that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that due to Avi Arad’s constant busting of Sam Raimi’s chops, VENOM was forced into the movie in the way that dicks are forced into Paris Hilton - just for effortless satisfaction. Problem is though, now arguably Spiderman’s coolest villain is wasted on twenty minutes of the gayest, least cool guy from THAT 70’s SHOW. Part of why Venom is cool is because he looks fucking bad ass. For some reason, it was decided that whenever Venom was on screen in SPIDERMAN 3, we should probably tone down the coolness and have Eddie Brock reveal his face all the time. It’s just retarded. The character sucks. Venom should have been the ONLY villain in the movie and he should have been played by someone who unlike Topher Grace was a) able to say ‘WE ARE VENOM and b) not a faggot.

Basically there’s just too much shit going on in this movie. There’s also a part of the movie where Peter Parker decides he’s the ugly one from FALLOUT BOY that’s banging Ashlee Simpson, and goes on a parade around New York being a douchebag, before capping his whole fall from grace with a grandiose dose of hi MJ, look at how much of a prick I am. On the positive side he does (albeit inadvertently) smack Kirsten Dunst to the floor. Maybe now she’ll think again before doing MARIE ANTOINETTE.

Whatever, the movie sucks. I can’t write a proper review because I have an exam tomorrow and I’m nowhere near ready.

ALSO, just a quick note on Paris Hilton’s 45 day prison sentencing. All of you people that signed the petition to jail Paris Hilton, HERE, with notes like twat ‘Ian Gould’, who says Make an example of her. Compulsory sterilization. Fools like her must not be allowed to breed are fucking idiots. It’s okay to take digs at her when she wears a shitty dress, falls of a motorcycle or sucks some guys dick, but this is prison we’re talking about. I absolutely despise Paris Hilton and everything she represents about our culture, but I don’t want her to go to jail, certainly not for 45 days. Jail isn’t just you being locked in a room and unable to do anything. It’s not even shitty meals. It’s you getting fucked up in the shower by some big bitch with a metallica tattoo just because you’re Paris Hilton, and that’s just unfair. That’s not justice. All she did was drive with a suspended license. If you could guarantee me that she would just be left to do her time, then yes, I’d vote for it, but that’s just not gonna happen.

45 days is just fucking excessive. And you people are fucking assholes if you think she deserves to “end up as someones lesbian love slave, then shanked in the showers”, as number one cunt muscle ‘Brandon’ proposes. That’s just wrong, you guys act as if she skull fucked an orphan child or karate kicked your grandma or something. I really don’t think it’s funny or clever to say shit like that. Prison is supposed to be about your inability to do what you want for a given time, and to be forced to sustain on only the most meagre circumstances. I believe she should be granted this guarantee, if she has to go away for 45 days. I truly feel sorry for her. Even though I really do not like her.

I don’t know about you guys but I google myself every now and then. I do quite a lot of stuff on the internet and I now work as a writer for another website, so I had a quick search to see what was going on in the world of me. Anyway, while I did find several of my pieces, I also cannot help but be overwhelmed by the attention my festering piece of shit song that I wrote is getting, especially since unlike the other songs which were done for the whole safe-sex initiative in England, mine is actually getting fairly regular radio play. Feel free to check it out, if you listen to it with an open mind and your expectations are as low as possible I guarantee that you won’t be disappointed.

Anyway, the point of this is to bring attention to just how ridiculously poor R&B is today, if people genuinely think that the song I wrote - which I can only describe as “less than turd-ly” - is something they’d like to listen to. This is genuinely how I actually got into writing the song:

Some 50 Cent music video just finishes… an advert starts, which would eventually be for a nationwide competition to find the best song-writer to write music for a Safe Sex campaign… I’m watching it with my brother, Jon

Me: 50 Cent blows.
Jon: Nah, he’s the future.
Me: Mos Def is the way.
Jon: What the fuck do you know about rap music anyway?
Me: I’ll show you, mother fucker.

And that was it. I basically went upstairs, took out a piece of paper, and wrote down the most half-assed collection of corny phrases and rounded it off with a little bit of the captain obvious moral lesson, to make the whole thing come together like ass cheeks.

I would at first glance consider it ludicrous to believe that people like my song. But a quick reflection on the state of R&B right now tells its own story:

DIDDY FEAT. KEYSHIA COLE - LAST NIGHT

This song is abominal. Over the piss poor clap clap beat is some of the worst lyrics I have ever heard. However, I’ve been known to hum along to THE GIRL ON TV by LFO, which has words that can only have come together by chance, so I can generally forgive shit like that, except to appreciate this song you have to deal with the sound of DIDDY trying his level best to carry a tune. And it’s just physically impossible. I don’t know who the fuck on god’s green earth told DIDDY he could sing because he just can’t. And it’s a shame and also a comedy that in the video with him is KEYSHIA COLE who has probably one of the best vocal ranges in R&B right now. It’s unfortunate that it’s basically a rite of passage right now that if you want to be a successful black musician right now you have to get railed by DIDDY.

Making the band is one of my favourite TV shows and it gains a whole new appeal now because I get to watch DIDDY repeatedly tell people that “You’ll never make it in showbiz if you can’t sing playboy”. Talk about hypocrisy.

ROBIN THICKE - LOST WITHOUT YOU

Robin Thicke is what would happen if Ricky Martin and Orlando Bloom stopped trying to fool people into thinking they were even the least bit heterosexual and made a baby. And then if that baby grew up, new reached puberty and then decided he was Justin Timberlake, he would pretty much be the guy in this video.

I don’t even want to say this song is a piece of shit because it’s so blatantly obvious.

CRIME MOB FEAT. LIL SCRAPPY - ROCK YO HIPS

This song would be great if I hadn’t heard it a million times before. Like maybe if NELLY and all those other similar sounding rappers hadn’t reamed out a billion songs that sound exactly like this. Also, I don’t want to be harsh but the chick with the blonde hair in the video is so ugly, if I saw her in an alley late at night, I’d give her about 5 seconds to prove she was human before I smashed her in the face and ran like the chick in THRILLER.

This song perpetuates the commonly held theory amongst rap artists that having a bunch of people bounce around is basically the ultimate aesthetic. I don’t know who started this shit but it has to stop.

Now, let me take you on a journey back to when Rap music was good…

and the man Mos Def himself…

And also, I want to talk for a moment about who I perceive to be the greatest freestyle rapper of all time. Someone asked me this the other day, and I honestly believe that the best freestyle battle rapper ever to grace a mic is an Asian. I know he gets a lot of heat because his debut track was a piece of shit, but I have no doubt in my mind that JIN is best ever. I’m not at all going to try to make like JIN is the best rapper ever, a lot of people can write a lot better than he can. But off the top of his head? No way.

Bare with this video because Jin absolutely mercs this clown:

And by the way Louis, that’s how you embed a video =)

I was thinking today, what if Satan appeared in my living room while I was watching King of Queens and offered eternal companionship with either Rihanna or Cassie in exchange for my soul? It would be like fucking Sophie’s choice. I would of course dispense with my soul, the problem would be choosing between the two girls.

I’ve since decided that I can’t let this kind of thing go down to chance, I need to find out for real, just in case it happens.

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RIHANNA

To maintain my imaginary love affair with Rihanna I have to mentally block the fact that she has most likely been railed by Jay-Z (upon whose lips you could land space shuttles) and about a hundred random Bermudan raggae artists with shitty dreadlocks and tattoos of a marijuana leaf.

By the way for the purposes of this article, I’m also going to block out the fact that she made the song “Pon de Replay” because I’m pretty certain that it can kill a man at seven miles.

CASSIE

The biggest negative Cassie has against her is her fucking name. It is such a shite name for a famous R&B star. I don’t have anything in particular against the name “Cassie”, but when I try to look up pictures of her on Google images, I get one page of her and then about five hundred of random collegiate blondes who feel it necessary to upload pictures of themselves drunk and holding a beer.

Cassie is also in the unfortunate position of being a singer and yet completely unable to sing. I don’t hold this against her though. Holly Valance can’t act and I still think she’s smoking hot.

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FIRST SINGLE:

Rihanna - “S.O.S.”

I think that the Rihanna song “S.O.S.” is really sweet and has a wicked cool rhythm. It makes me want to dance. Hi my name is average female university student.

Let’s be honest the song is fucking unfortunate. The only thing good about the song is that part in the video where she wears green. You know it’s bad when Marilyn Manson has done better work with the same beat.

I also hate that guy who dances with her that may or may not be John Legend. I prefer to think it isn’t John Legend. I’d hate to thnk he’d had his friends on someone as hot as Rihanna because even though I’ve never seen anything candid with him his face makes me believe that he’s a stone cold cock.

Cassie - “Me & U”

People that say ‘u’ instead of ‘you’ in texts make me want to kill myself. That Cassie would have the sack to do it in the title of her first song is quite frankly petrifying. I seriously doubt that abbreviations like that will ever be cool.

That said, if you were unsure as to whether Cassie was crazy hot or blow your load on sight hot, this video confirms the latter. She does for black hoodies what Jesus Christ did for getting nailed to things.

There is not a single point of this video where Cassie doesn’t make the idea of seeing Angelina Jolie and Scarlett Johansson making out unappealing. Would it make the idea of seeing Ja Rule get punched in the face unappealing? I’m not so sure.

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SECOND SINGLE

Rihanna - “Unfaithful”

This video totally does it for me and let me tell you why. There are simply not enough instances of black R&B hotties getting it on with white guys. Now granted, I’m only half white but I’m ridiculously good looking and up until the time I saw this video I was worried that if I ever was to meet someone of that ethnic persuasion I’d have no chance because my parents just happened not to be African. I know this may be nothing to a predominantly Asian demographic, but I have serious aspirations of hooking up with an female R&B star. I’m really street.

And what’s more, Rihanna cheats with this Eurotrash looking guy, on a Black guy! This is a double bonus.

Also in other news she is crazy hot in this video.

Cassie - “Long Way To Go”

I know this is a killer for credibility but thing is, I actually like this song. I’m not entirely sure as to whether it’s because it’s Cassie or if it’s because I actually do like the beat but either way.

Problem is though, this is the song that made me realise she actually can’t sing at all. She’s basically just talking and her voice is all synthed up. Another problem is that thing she does when she walks to the club with her chicas and then the guy goes ‘you can’t handle it?’ Which is so totally don’t go there girlfriend. I’m not a huge fan of that but I’d totally make the concession.

I also have extensive knowledge on what goes into casting a music video (I saw Nick Lachey do it on Newly Weds) and so I know that the artist pretty much has the say on who the romantic lead is in the video, which means you’re basically choosing the person you want to mack on and not be called a slut.

Cassie apparently chose this guy:

Now this poses a problem because if this guy is her thang, than a) I’m not that and b) there are about a million of these guys hanging around on street corners in Harlem, which means she’s probably been railed by random g’s more than she’s had hot lunches. She’s also part of Bad Boy now, and I’m pretty certain, entry to that particular record label is subject to sex with P. Diddy, his entourage, The Lox, Ma$e and a vibrator with the Notorious B.I.G.’s face on it.

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It’s completely neck and neck but I think I’d have to go with Cassie given that I fucking hate Reggae music. Sure there’s a fair chance that Cassie has serviced the entire East Coast rap scene but no girl’s perfect.

I don’t particularly hate Arsenal, in fact I’d rate Arsene Wenger right up there with game’s greatest whingers and there’s no doubt he has an unrivalled ability to find a talented youngster at a tiny club and then mug him for a fraction of his actual worth. I was initially disappointed that Arsenal were going out, but in retrospect I’m of the opinion they deserved to.

It’s not like they did anything for the entire game that was even noteworthy. Even though they put PSV under ‘constant pressure’ that ‘constant pressure’ consisted of dribbling around outside the box and then either smashing it over the bar from twenty yards or playing it in to Julio Baptista to fuck up and then look around wondering what the hell happened. There was some endeavour shown about 70 minutes on when Wenger brought Thierry Henry on, but even he couldn’t spark them into life. Perhaps Henry should have tried a new strategy: like MOVING.

Anyway lets take a look at the clubs still in the competition:

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CHELSEA

Probably a foul

Of course I’m gonna talk about Chelsea first because as anyone who knows me or has read even one article on this website regarding football knows, I absolutely despise Chelsea. It’s not because the team are good and I’m jealous or some other equally gay bulletproof comeback Chelsea fans like to purport, no, it’s because the team is populated by, for lack of a better word, cunts.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate all of them, it would take the most hardened and heartless Man United fan to hate John Terry (direct your abuse to ‘Craig Morraies’ on Facebook as he is one such person fan), the man’s a rock and he plays the game fairly, which is fine by me. I also am a big fan of Michael Essien, even though he - every now and then - falls prey to the red mist and tries to take someone’s leg off. Petr Cech seems a good lad too.

But that’s about it.

Topping the pantheon of hate is undoubtedly Didier Drogba. I often wonder whether if I was to inhabit an alternate universe, whether I would least like to be a) The prisoner that flings his cum at Agent Starling, b) The Donkey in Shrek or c) Didier Drogba. He’s fucking awesome, there’s no doubt but he’s just a fucking wanker. He’s so big but he gets floored constantly by rogue gusts of wind and/or people getting to close to him.

Riccardo Carvalho isn’t far behind Drogba thanks to his amazing ability to hack the shit out of people from behind and then brandish the exact same token double hand raised what the hell did I do? look. He has no place playing professional football looking like that.

‘The Shank’ Lampard doesn’t really do anything to warrant my hatred except for the fact that he hugely overrates himself. He only has two abilities: passing and shooting. He has the pace of a wilderbeast and his ability to tackle is nearly non-existant unless it’s on some mullet like Steve Kabba who can’t seem to understand that when you bollock the ball three feet in front of you when you’re dribbling there’s a good chance you’re gonna lose it. And as for that shooting ability, let’s not forget how fruitful that was at the World Cup.

I could go on with my hatred for Cashley Cole and Makelele (cheat) but I’ve already spent too much time on Chelsea.

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BAYERN MUNICH

Roy Makaay can’t believe he’s actually scored

Bayern Munich are in such a bubble it’s unreal. Nobody outside of Germany think that they are any good and nobody outside of Germany and Man United fans think that any of their players are any good (Owen Hargreaves if that wasn’t clear). God only knows how they managed to dump Real Madrid out of the tournament, the only reason this was possible was because even though Bayern are a teeming mass of shit, Real Madrid are just that little bit worse.

Up front Bayern Munich have real problems. Roy Makaay hasn’t been good since he left Deportivo la Caruna and Lukas Podolski is only good when you’re playing Championship Manager. Pizarro looks good when he plays against second rate teams but against European opposition I doubt very much he will have anywhere near a chance of scoring goals.

In defence Van Buyten continues to show the form that made him a target for MANCHESTER CITY, only being propped up by the fact that Lucio is a beast. That said he still hasn’t mastered the subtle art of not gallopping up the field like a fucking bucaneer every other time he finds the ball at his feet. Phillip Lahm is great, but he’s a full back and his last meaningful contribution to a game was in Germany’s first match at the World Cup.

Oliver Kahn is still a fucking lunatic which is always interesting to watch. They were about 20 seconds away from victory against Real last night when Casillas came up for a penalty and then complained he was fouled. Now about 10 seconds away from certain victory, instead of just holding on to the ball and letting time run out Kahn decides to go fucking dog day afternoon on half the Real players and the ref. He’s fucking insane.

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VALENCIA

RUN FORREST RUN!

It’s fairly obvious that this article is gonna be biased because I am nothing if not that. For the first time in about five years there’s a genuine belief that Valencia can win this thing, even if that belief was started by me. The team grind out results like Chelsea did last year, Silva turns it up a notch away from home and no-one can get near our - sorry I meant ‘Valencia’s’ - goal at the Mestalla.

Miguel is one of the best right backs in the world and all across the back line there is equal pedigree. Moretti did a good job of bad mouthing Valencia’s behaviour after dumping Inter Milan out so hopefully he’s sealed his relegation to the bench in favour of Asier Del Horno who only last week made his debut. Ayala is playing as well as he ever has, probably sensing this is his last chance at the big time given his move to the talent graveyard of Villareal in the summer.

In midfield, Valencia are so good they don’t even need to start Joaquin. Despite spending a club record on him he can’t seem to dislodge Angulo from the right wing even though it seems patently obvious to everyone on the planet the team is much better when Joaquin plays. That said, over on the left Vicente (who was our best player two years ago) can’t make the team either, being kept out by Silva who I’m sorry looks like the ultimate chess geek. In this middle of midfield is where the problems are though, Albelda is consistantly turning down contracts as the Barca vultures circle, Baraja went off injured and Marchena is almost certain to serve a lengthy suspension following his part in the brawl with Inter.

David Villa’s constant linking away from the team is a MAJOR worry but I’m sure he’ll honour his lengthy contract. You saw his free-kick at Inter, right?

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MANCHESTER UNITED

Scoring when no one’s ready never gets old

It would be easy to be mean to Manchester United but the truth is I’m indifferent to their chances in the Champions League. While everything seems to be going their way domestically they seem to possess the uncanny ability to make hard work of every tie in Europe. Lille are - let’s be honest - a piece of shit and they should have been steamrolled within minutes.

The loss of Larsson is a puzzling one, given Saha is out for four weeks, Solskjaer is always out and Alan Smith is crap. Something tells me Smith’s outstanding ability to hold the ball up from a punt won’t really be what Man United need when they want to win games. Oh yeah, and Rooney hasn’t scored a Champions League goal since his debut hat-trick. I know all that bullshit about class is permanent but that kinda stuff plays on your mind.

Ronaldo continues to be the best player in the world even though he’s a cocky mother fucker and has the endeavour to defend down the right like Michael Jackson has the endeavour to stop sleeping with children. I’ve had too many arguments about how superfluous Michael Carrick is to write anything here, so I’m just gonna skip over it (he sucks) and move on to Ryan Giggs who’s contribution of gay skanky quick free kicks is never superfluous. Paul Scholes is always a potential match winner, since he’s continuing to be great in the twilight of his career so long as he isn’t trying to commit second degree manslaughter on other midfielders. He’s been playing professional football at the highest possible level for 10 years and he still hasn’t learn how to tackle!

At the back Rio Ferdinand and Nemanja Vidic continue to be the best central defensive pairing not playing for Valencia (hah), winning any ball that is in the air ever. I swear Vidic is playing in Nike Air Jordans or something.

All of that said, and this is in no way a reflection of my disliking Man United, I really don’t think they have the juice to win the Champions League (sorry). Injuries up front have conspired against them and I really don’t think Ferguson has the tactics down right in Europe - why play Rooney on the left? At home? - so unfortunately I believe the domestic double is all that lies in store for this team.

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LIVERPOOL

I won’t ever fully forgive Rafa Benitez for running out on Valencia but even I have to admit the guy has it right in the Champion’s League. This is what I’m talking about when I say that Ferguson doesn’t really have it right in Europe, because Benitez has it absolutely perfect. The team is so well balanced and so well organised that even the obvious weaknesses in attack are fairly offset.

At the back Finnan is still defying all logic by looking at home in the Champion’s League. Although it’s not hard to defend Ronaldinho nowadays after Chelsea patented the stick your foot up his ass and never let him turn approach has successfully turned pretty much every football fan in the world against him. As if him putting on some weight magically makes him shit at football, talk about an ridiculous paradigm shift. Carragher a couple of years ago suddenly emerged as one of the most dependable centre halves in the world and he’s still right up there today.

In midfield Liverpool are a veritable embarrassment of riches. There are about a million ‘new Vieiras’ in Europe nowadays but Momo Sissoko is really the only one who can stand up to that comparison. Abou Diaby might be there one day but right now the only thing Sissoko lacks is goals, defensively he’s already there. Xabi Alonso can thread a pass through a fucking midget’s legs from 50 yards and is strong in the tackle too. Stevie Gerrard is captain fucking fantastic wherever he plays, whenever he can motivate himself, and Javi Mascherano is the most underrated player in the Premiership.

Up front Dirk Kuyt runs marathons for the cause but I can’t shake the fact that he looks like a cross between a martian and the leader at a Nazi rally. Peter Crouch is still ridiculously overrated by the whole world, failing to win headers over people at least a foot shorter than him.

Technically the team is far too light weight up front but I genuinely think Liverpool have a really good chance of at least getting the final due to the tactical supremacy of Rafa Benitez.

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PSV EINDHOVEN

LOOTERS

I don’t know that much about PSV but I’m sure that Alex is amazing. He basically single-handedly won the tie for them against Arsenal, scoring at both ends and winning any aerial ball within a 5 mile radius of him.

This team has very little hope of progressing any further in the competition since pretty much every else they are light-weight. Jefferson Farfan is pretty good and was absolutely owned by Denilson in the box towards the end of the Arsenal game but that attack was one of just a handful - not really enough to win the cup with.

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AC MILAN

Again? Not likely

Like Man United, AC Milan managed to make incredibly hard work of a poor team in Celtic. It seems like Ancelotti doesn’t give a flying squirrell anymore and the team has really regressed following last season in the wake of the match-fixing scandal.

Having Dida in goal is always a plus given he’s about 23 feet tall with palms that eclipse the sun. In front of him Nesta is and will always be great and Maldini won’t stop playing till his joints enforce his retirement. Bonera came in to play at right back but the only thing of note I’ve heard about him is that he threw a punch at Yohan Gourcouff at one of their training sessions.

In midfield, at first choice, Milan probably have the best central pairing in the world. Gattuso and Pirlo are the ultimate partnership, covering pretty much ever single base needed. Seedorf does the job out wide but it’s not really his favoured position and his game is generally now reduced to long range shots and no look in field passes with the subtlety of enforced anal rape.

It’s up front however where Milan are in real trouble. Gilardino is literally the worst striker in the competition. I’ve seen silverback gorillas with better positional sense. His basic forte is the tap in which is about as fucking impressive as being able to walk upright. The closest I’ve seen him to scoring recently was in extra time against Celtic when Seedorf took a shot that spooned wide and then he bent down and looked at the floor while running in what I have to assume was a half-assed attempt to head the ball in. Inzaghi was good about twenty years ago and I’d be worried about relying on Kaka to bail them out of trouble because no other defence in Europe is going to let you run straight for forty yards and then skin the last defender at half speed to slot between the keepr’s legs like Celtic did.

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ROMA

Whatever

The only real beneficiaries of Lyon’s quite amazing post Christmas slump were Roma who should have been wiped out by Juninho et al had they been on their pre new year form. Spalleti is punching way above his weight with a very average team with only four or so good players.

Two of those players are found in Roma’s defence, in Philippe Mexes and Cristian Chivu. Hopefully when Roma make their play for Cisco Tavano Valencia will be able to pawn him off for one of the two because they’re as good as anyone in Europe really. They’re a big part of why Roma are still in the tournament and why they’re doing will in Serie A. But god knows why they went there in the first place, both could have gone anywhere they wanted and they chose to play for Roma? The kit is gay and such a shit colour, I’d never play for Roma.

In midfield, Daniel de Rossi is good so long as he isn’t trying to decapitate someone. He’s strong in the tackle and is exactly the kind of player Manchester United need. In fact if I was Alex Ferguson I’d make him top of my transfer targets, him and Robinho. Anyway. Mancini scored an absolutely wonderful goal to put the Lyon tie to rest, but I refuse to allow one moment of magic to change my opinion that his over-ratedness is shadowed only by Andriy Shevchenko and Frank ‘the shank’ Lampard.

I don’t really know if Francesco Totti is still any good. I doubt it. Whatever, this team has no chance anyway. They might be the worst team left in the tournament.