Right off the bat I’m going to (hopefully) infuriate and alienate a sizable portion of readers: Liverpool are shit. This article could just as easily be titled ‘Why Liverpool will never win the Premier League Title for at least three to four years’. Champions League maybe because that’s hit and miss, but not the league, not in something that demands consistantly good performances every week. You people have absolutely no chance.

Don’t expect that ever again in your lifetime

Football analysts have been quick to assign the end of Liverpool’s push for the title following their capitulation to Chelsea at the weekend, but anyone who talks to me at any length about football knows I’ve been saying it for about six months, before a Premier League ball was even kicked.

Let me tell you why: any donkey can defend. Hell Olivier Bernard has been doing it for years and he’s like a water-buffalo with a dread locks. It’s scoring goals that wins titles, and Liverpool do that with an ability Lindsay Lohan would show selibacy. If Stevie G isn’t smashing a ball from 90 yards into the top right corner, the chances of them scoring are beyond remote. And their lack of world-class scoring talent is completely their own making, it’s a little thing (being a fan of Valencia I am full initiated with) I like to call ‘Benitez Syndrome’.

Let’s have a little look at Rafa Benitez’ offensive buys over the last two years:

Fernando Morientes: 7 Million Pounds
Peter Crouch: 7 Million Pounds
Craig Bellamy: 8 Million Pounds
Dirk Kuyt: 10 Million Pounds

I challenge you to tell me the world-class striker out of that bunch. And here is the absolutely idiocy in this strategy: You’ve just spent 32 Million Pounds and you don’t have one consistant goal scorer. No, you have four average squad players. These players are so shit in fact, that Sheffield United were able to stop them from scoring on the opening day of the season and they defend like old people fuck. Reading of all teams managed to (away from home) score against them in only 18 seconds, when Sheff United had the kick-off!!

The familiar sight of Peter Crouch fucking up again

And so let’s bitch about how it’s the market and oh there are no world-class strikers available for a good price.

Here is a small off the top of my head list of strikers and their prices that were available just two months ago:

Zlatan Ibrahimovic: 17 Million Pounds
David Trezeguet: 10 Million Pounds (Man United had a bid accepted)
Ruud Van Nistelrooy: 10.2 Million Pounds
Andrew Johnson: 8 Million Pounds

These are all world-renowned strikers. Ibrahimovic for one was regarded as the best striker in the world a couple of years ago!

And just to hammer home my point, here’s another little list:

The list of players that are better than anyone Liverpool own that were available for FREE:

Hernan Crespo
Javier Saviola

Are you telling me that the two best strikers in Argentina (who were called the most attractive attacking team at the world cup) [keeping Leo Messi and Carlos Tevez out of the starting line up and Crespo is currently keeping Adriano out at Inter Milan] are not good enough for Liverpool? Give me a fucking break!

Javier Saviola? For free? Nah…

I think that rather speaks for itself. But don’t feel too sorry for yourselves, Valencia (who would have been sabotaged by the Benitez syndrome had Mista not magically scored twelve thousand goals for one season before returning to his comfortable mediocrity before being shipped off this season to Atletico Madrid for 4 million pounds where he is currently 4th choice striker) are only just now getting over their hang-over thanks to the fact that any ball David Villa touches seems to end up in the back of the net regardless of intent.

*Also, while we’re on this note, thanks for Fernando Morientes who Valenica bought from you for a nominal fee. You clearly didn’t need him with your abundance of striking power. Yes, clearly you didn’t need a striker who has so far PLAYED FOUR, SCORED FIVE including a champions league hat-trick.

In fact the only thing that may be Liverpool’s saving grace is the fact that Spurs are showing an equal impotency in front of goal, so you can maybe make up for your shit start to the season and scrounge into 4th spot.

Rosicky: unclear as to where exactly he is on the pitch but he’s probably going to shoot anyway

And what about Arsenal?! Maybe now you people will believe when I say they are the best starting 11 in the league. Having dumped “Cashley Cole” because Arsenal offered him 5 thousand pounds less a week and he realised he no longer could survive on 2.72 million pounds a year, he bounded off for the talent graveyard of Chelsea in exchange for Willy Gallas who once Thuram retires will probably be the best defender in the world.

Add to this the latest addition to the magical Arsenal defensive production line that is the Arsenal youth set up; Djourou and Tommy Rosicky who looks like he could hit the back of the net from anywhere between just outside the penalty area and outer Mongolia.

YOU’VE JUST BEEN VAN PERSIE’D!!

And hey, if neither of them produce they still have that French guy, Thierry Henry and Ashton Kutcher’s heir apparent, Robin van Persie who will flop to the ground at the opportune moment and win you a penalty.

Man United are as per usual woefully inept, somehow failing to learn the same lesson for the second year running and not picking up a defensive ball-winner for the centre of midfield, instead shelling out 18 million pounds on a guy who cost 1 million last season and whose only real ability is to pass the ball accurately over long distances. Michael Carrick is the Mr Fantastic of Premier League Football. When everyone else is popping up in the Marvel Universe like Johnny Storm who can fly and spontaneously combust, or Storm who can control weather, Mr Fantastic shows up with his amazing ability to STETCH TO AMAZING LENGTHS.

Pigeons learn faster than Alex Ferguson.

Don’t expect this to happen too often

That said you can’t be expecting that much when your figurehead striker is Louis Saha. He came out after the Celtic game and said he should have scored 6… THIS IS NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF LOUIS. Ronaldo is their best player by far and his free-kicks are just downright scary, but for some reason he now passes teh ball like Paris Hilton passes on dick (little to never).

Which leads us on to Chelsea. What a way to ruin a winning formula. In order to accomodate Ballack (who has thus far done absolutely nothing except stamp on Momo Sissoko), they have isolated Joe Cole, Shaun Wright-Phillips and maybe the best winger in the world; Arjen Robben.

So now they’re playing Essien out on the wing in an inspired strategy of playing four central midfielders at various places between striker and defender for some reason I don’t quite understand. However, I understand it slightly more than playing (or even for that reason buying) Andriy Shevchenko, who now stands alongside Frank the Shank Lampard as Chelsea boast possession of the two most ridiculously overrated players in teh world.

Yep

I have for years talked about how overrated Shevchenko is. People are now getting the message, I’ll give you a tip, listen to the commentators talk about Shevchenko. They absolutely have no fucking clue what he is about just that he must be awesome because he landed from Milan and he is the all-time top Champions League scorer. Just listen to them, I love it, they kick off and then twenty minutes later Shevchenko has done predictably squat the commentators are just like what the fuck is this shit?

I was almost certain two weeks ago that Chelsea wouldn’t make it out of their Champions League group. And if Petri Pasanen hadn’t slipped at the opportune moment to let Essien score and Klose had shown the same ability he did at the last two fucking world cups I would have been completely vindicated today. Whatever, I still think they might struggle.

They’ll probably still win the league though. The only way I can see anyone else winning is if Ryan Giggs manages to somehow keep up his - and its not form, its something else - ability to pop up in the right time at precisely the right moment to do something good despite being well on the downward spiral of his career, or if Arsenal manage to stop fucking around and kill off the weaker teams instead of drawing to donkey teams like Bolton because they can’t hack it. You’ll notice I didn’t mention Liverpool there anywhere.