Mac Book Pro 17″ Laptop, 2.5GHZ, 4gb ram, 250 gb HDD, 512 Geforce 8600M GT - $3350 USD

Man, I can’t even think of a punchline.

I’m not sure how Google works, but I desperately, desperately hope the magnificent Steven Lim finds this page. One second looking at this guy’s website (http://www.stevenlim.net) tells me this guy is googling himself every fucking day, so hopefully somehow he gets here. For those of you who don’t know who this guy is, fear not, I myself only about ten minutes ago stumbled upon his majesty. He is basically the best looking guy in Singapore, if not the world. He also wields the English language with the kind of accuracy a drunk shows a fucking urinal, but it’s all just part of his charm. Check out the video that won me over:

As you can see there are two major burns:

1. Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

2. You sucks, you sucks, sucks, sucks sucks etc

Also, if this guy isn’t eating cock every night I will be flat out stupefied:

Steven Lim I hate you. Hit me back, man. Chew my ass out like the bad ass you are.

Anyway, the reason I’m mailing you is because i’m wondering whether you’ve finally “caught up to me.” I know I’ve done some horrible things in the past, like lying, cheating, stealing, exploiting amongst other things, but I feel that you’ve done enough to balance things out.

I suppose it was about time that a significant other of mine would cheat on me, after all the cheating i’ve done, but don’t you think you went a little over the top? Having my ex-girlfriend go out on a date using my money, while I was doing her homework AND THEN have her come back to tell me off for doing a shady job, was a little excessive in my opinion. You know, when I found out that she cheated on me even before my plane took off, I thought “I so deserved that,” but the whole homework thing was just evil.

Nonetheless, I trusted your judgment and didn’t do anything evil back (oh trust me I could have). I even helped her out with a loan of over half my savings! I mean, that’s like Caesar giving Brutus a towel and hand lotion lest his hands get stained or worse, dry.

There are also the little things that are quite bothersome, like when my wallet went missing, in it 7-8 credit cards, debit cards, my Californian ID, my license, my social security card, my money, insurance card…boy that list goes on. Or when you tried to run me over with a car…..3 bloody times. Really, it is all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

Well, that’s really all I have to say. Currently, things are pretty good with me, so i’d more than appreciate it if you could leave things the way they are now. I promise I’ll stop skiving off work to play video games…and…and…to stop wanking so much.

Thank you very much and have a great life.
Louis

I will try to find cheaper alternatives, but please note that Malaysia will be the first dropped from my plans. I suppose I could meet you in San Diego during your conference, if all falls apart that is.

Yours truly,

Louis

BECAUSE I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO YOU VEGANS/TREEHUGGERS/VEGETARIANS

I hope you hippies are happy, now that there is a GLOBAL FOOD CRISIS, millions of people are probably going to starve to death, and that the families that could once make ends meet will need to eat some sand for a while.

No really go ahead. Continue lobbying for biofuels (psst, which by the way is the reason for the food crisis, since they converted most of the crop fields for the production of biofuels rather than FOOD FOR PEOPLE TO EAT), organic food, free range farming, and other frivolous, unpractical “green” ideas.

I hope you hippies/vegans/treehuggers/douchebags sleep well, knowing that the hydrogen in your overpriced prototype vehicle must as well be blood from starving children.

p.s - Vegans kill babies too.

Now, about everything else that is broken.

It recently occured to me that it is near impossible for  women today (and for the next few decades) to have babies anymore. Studies have shown that the healthiest babies are born BEFORE the woman is 25, and women having children after the age of 35 is just dangerous (perimenopause takes place around that age). So, here’s the math.

Senario 1: Assume a woman graduates with some micky mouse business degree and gets out at the age of 21. She would essentially only have 4 years to climb up the corporate ladder (to a position high enough so that she wouldn’t get replaced), find a partner, make enough money to afford both a wedding and house. Now, for the first 2-3 years, the amount of money that a fresh graduate would earn is so meagre that it would hardly make ends meet in terms of room, board, and possibly tuition loans. Say she is fortunate enough to find a partner that is earning around the same wage (lets say double), it would make little difference because they would not be able to afford a house by the time they’re 25, nor have a fairy tale wedding (Average cost of a wedding in the US - $30,000, but this includes the 30 cent weddings in Vegas. Average cost of a wedding where I live is over $40,000).

Fix to senario 1: In a perfect world, parents from both sides of the family would help out the struggling young couple, maybe not enough to buy a new house, but enough to have the possibility of a child. Sure the couple will bury themselves in debt for the next 30 years (at the very least), and have little savings for the child’s future, but at least having a child by the age of 25 is still possible. The perfect solution to this is for the woman to marry either a rich man, or one that is at least 10 years older who has a stable career and big savings.

Senario 2: The newly wedded couple quickly get things going and have a baby (No time for holidays mind you! The womb clock is ticking! Will address this later). Unless they have a lot of money saved up, or the husband is making enough money to pay off tuition loans, car loans, wedding loans, insurance, hospital bills as well as the 50 year loan they took out on a house, they, excuse my french, are fucked. Studies have shown that mothers should spend at LEAST 2 years nursing their child, breast feeding, comfort, playing etc lest it becomes a retard. Woman with a business degree has worked with some company for 4 years and is about to take 2 years off? Corporate America spits on you!

Fix to senario 2: One word, housewife. Women, i’m afraid the words “healthy baby” and “career” are mutually exclusive for you.

Senario 3: Here’s the kicker. Obviously the parents of the child wants their kid to have the best. Assuming that they have only ONE child, the average cost of raising a child in a public school (bare minimum) $130,000 to the age of about 17. This doesn’t include the shitload of toys, electronics, computers you’d have to buy for them, so i’m going to add that up to about $150,000. Assuming your child is a genius and gets into Stanford, 4 years of tuition is going to set you back a whopping $200,000+ (not including food). Of course this can be settled by making him/her pay for their own shit.

Fix to senario 3: A buttload of awesome investments, no holidays, eating cardboard for dinner, drug dealing, prostitution, and saving every penny after. Because with the loan on the house not yet settled, along with the high interest rates eating the couple alive, they can’t afford to spend money anywhere else if you want your child to have a future. Oh, and obviously, DO NOT HAVE MORE THAN ONE CHILD LEST ONE STARVES TO DEATH.

The outlook is bleak and frighteningly clear. We have a few options:
1) Have more and more retarded babies floating around
2) Have more and more “housewives” with self-esteem issues and a cheating husband around.
3) Have more and more bankrupt parents around
4) A death rate that is higher than the birthrate

Though it may seem that i’m talking out of my ass, I really am not. There’s a reason why countries like Germany and Singapore had a sharp decline in birthrates and marriages. So much so that the governments had to quickly respond to it (A prolonged death rate that is higher than a birthrate would crush the economy 50 years down the line because there would be too little young people to support the old people) by providing enormous tax cuts, and affirmative action for women seeking careers.

There are also other things to take into consideration, such as being a career orientated single mother, or having more than one child. Furthermore, what about engineers, lawyers, doctors, or PhD seekers, who graduate over the age of 23-25?  Last but not least? What about “alone” time? Life is not about spending your entire life taking care of your children. By the time your child has gone through college and is self sufficient, which is highly unlikely (Refer to fix for senario 1 - You still need to support them even after college), you will be too old to enjoy most of the things in life.

So remember, when a mother tells you to just marry someone rich, listen to her.

I was asked to read this book not twenty minutes ago, and I immediately scoffed at the idea that I might need advice on how to pleasure a woman. After a semester of human sexuality, I know more about a woman’s anatomy than most women out there (such as the knowledge that all women have a full blown penis, and is capable of having an erection. And no. It is much much more than just the clit),  so the idea was simply preposterous.

But hey, what do I have to lose?

(In scanning through the book, I have learnt that, apparently, female ejaculation does NOT heighten an orgasm. Leave the squirting to us girls)

Oh, and I only have seven so far. RED BELT is something I definitely looking forward to, since David Mamet is one of my fucking heroes, but that film has as much chance of making good money, as I have of living where I do and eating good Chinese. The only Chinese restaurant here has “Chinese Pizza” on the menu! Chinese Pizza! As if there is such a thing!

#07 WALL - E

#06 WANTED

#05 IRON MAN

#04 THE DARK KNIGHT

#03 HANCOCK

#02 TROPIC THUNDER

#01 INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

p.s - Not you suicidal person. If you’re going to kill yourself, at least
do something useful like strap some explosives to your chest.