HOTTIE SUPER CLASH: RIHANNA vs. CASSIE
I was thinking today, what if Satan appeared in my living room while I was watching King of Queens and offered eternal companionship with either Rihanna or Cassie in exchange for my soul? It would be like fucking Sophie’s choice. I would of course dispense with my soul, the problem would be choosing between the two girls.
I’ve since decided that I can’t let this kind of thing go down to chance, I need to find out for real, just in case it happens.
RIHANNA
To maintain my imaginary love affair with Rihanna I have to mentally block the fact that she has most likely been railed by Jay-Z (upon whose lips you could land space shuttles) and about a hundred random Bermudan raggae artists with shitty dreadlocks and tattoos of a marijuana leaf.
By the way for the purposes of this article, I’m also going to block out the fact that she made the song “Pon de Replay” because I’m pretty certain that it can kill a man at seven miles.
CASSIE
The biggest negative Cassie has against her is her fucking name. It is such a shite name for a famous R&B star. I don’t have anything in particular against the name “Cassie”, but when I try to look up pictures of her on Google images, I get one page of her and then about five hundred of random collegiate blondes who feel it necessary to upload pictures of themselves drunk and holding a beer.
Cassie is also in the unfortunate position of being a singer and yet completely unable to sing. I don’t hold this against her though. Holly Valance can’t act and I still think she’s smoking hot.
FIRST SINGLE:
Rihanna - “S.O.S.”
I think that the Rihanna song “S.O.S.” is really sweet and has a wicked cool rhythm. It makes me want to dance. Hi my name is average female university student.
Let’s be honest the song is fucking unfortunate. The only thing good about the song is that part in the video where she wears green. You know it’s bad when Marilyn Manson has done better work with the same beat.
I also hate that guy who dances with her that may or may not be John Legend. I prefer to think it isn’t John Legend. I’d hate to thnk he’d had his friends on someone as hot as Rihanna because even though I’ve never seen anything candid with him his face makes me believe that he’s a stone cold cock.
Cassie - “Me & U”
People that say ‘u’ instead of ‘you’ in texts make me want to kill myself. That Cassie would have the sack to do it in the title of her first song is quite frankly petrifying. I seriously doubt that abbreviations like that will ever be cool.
That said, if you were unsure as to whether Cassie was crazy hot or blow your load on sight hot, this video confirms the latter. She does for black hoodies what Jesus Christ did for getting nailed to things.
There is not a single point of this video where Cassie doesn’t make the idea of seeing Angelina Jolie and Scarlett Johansson making out unappealing. Would it make the idea of seeing Ja Rule get punched in the face unappealing? I’m not so sure.
SECOND SINGLE
Rihanna - “Unfaithful”
This video totally does it for me and let me tell you why. There are simply not enough instances of black R&B hotties getting it on with white guys. Now granted, I’m only half white but I’m ridiculously good looking and up until the time I saw this video I was worried that if I ever was to meet someone of that ethnic persuasion I’d have no chance because my parents just happened not to be African. I know this may be nothing to a predominantly Asian demographic, but I have serious aspirations of hooking up with an female R&B star. I’m really street.
And what’s more, Rihanna cheats with this Eurotrash looking guy, on a Black guy! This is a double bonus.
Also in other news she is crazy hot in this video.
Cassie - “Long Way To Go”
I know this is a killer for credibility but thing is, I actually like this song. I’m not entirely sure as to whether it’s because it’s Cassie or if it’s because I actually do like the beat but either way.
Problem is though, this is the song that made me realise she actually can’t sing at all. She’s basically just talking and her voice is all synthed up. Another problem is that thing she does when she walks to the club with her chicas and then the guy goes ‘you can’t handle it?’ Which is so totally don’t go there girlfriend. I’m not a huge fan of that but I’d totally make the concession.
I also have extensive knowledge on what goes into casting a music video (I saw Nick Lachey do it on Newly Weds) and so I know that the artist pretty much has the say on who the romantic lead is in the video, which means you’re basically choosing the person you want to mack on and not be called a slut.
Cassie apparently chose this guy:
Now this poses a problem because if this guy is her thang, than a) I’m not that and b) there are about a million of these guys hanging around on street corners in Harlem, which means she’s probably been railed by random g’s more than she’s had hot lunches. She’s also part of Bad Boy now, and I’m pretty certain, entry to that particular record label is subject to sex with P. Diddy, his entourage, The Lox, Ma$e and a vibrator with the Notorious B.I.G.’s face on it.
It’s completely neck and neck but I think I’d have to go with Cassie given that I fucking hate Reggae music. Sure there’s a fair chance that Cassie has serviced the entire East Coast rap scene but no girl’s perfect.
