I apologise for another football post, but I actually wrote this a while back (when it was still relevant) and don’t want to have done this and not put it up.

1. Hope that the referee has 20/20 vision

There were at least two occasions when Rafael Marquez should have been banished to the stands in shame. At one point he laid the law down on Didier Drogba and at another he broke the cardinal rule of manhood, but stamping on Michael Essien’s. A red card would have been nice on either occasion.

2. Play two fast wingers

Both the power and the potential downfall of the Barca system is that they have two wingers who stay out on the wing at all times. A leprechaun could land in the centre circle with a pot of gold and eighteen year old virgins and Ronaldinho and Leo Messi would stay out on the sideline waiting for a pass. It means that when they’re defending, the team don’t contract, and also that they never defend, although Ronaldinho is much much more culpable for this. So when you break on them, (especially since Zambrotta hasn’t had a good game since he was the best player in the world not named Cannavaro at the World Cup) there are only two ways that you’re not gonna score:

a) Puyol uses his level 3 super God Mode and does something special

b) Rafael Marquez stops your striker by ripping out his heart and dining on it

3. Pack central midfield with muscle

For some reason Frank Rijkaard refuses to dip into the transfer market to buy a good anchor midfield, in spite of the fact that the club has more money than Jerry Bruckheimer. For some reason he bums either Thiago Motta who has no ball control, or failing that, Edmilson, who has no self control. When you play a three man central midfield like Chelsea do, especially with Michael Essien ruining people all night, it’s inevitible you’re going to be overrun. Fuckin wise up.

4. Pummell Ronaldinho from behind whenever he receives the ball to his feet

Khalid ‘the cannibal’ Boulharouz proved this over the first leg and then Sergio Ramos emulated it successfully in the following ‘El Classico’. I would be mystified if he is ever defended in a different way again, seeing as how it’s obvious he’s going to destroy you if you let him run at you. Case in point? Bhoularouz has him under control for the entire game and then with twenty to go, his natural instincts get the better of him (the ones that earned him the nickname) and he tries to lop Ronny’s leg off. Ronaldinho flicks the ball over his leg and tucks a fucking fantastic outside of the foot pass into the path of Gudjohnsen that is so good that even he can’t miss it.

5. Hope that Samuel Eto’o is injured

I’ve seen Eidur Gudjohnsen not do a good fucking thing the entire season. Sure he scored against Chelsea but come on I could have fallen down and still put that in. Eto’o when fit is sleek and fast and the best striker in the world, Gudjohnsen is a steaming piece of shit. It’s like playing Xavi up front. I will attest to the guy having phenomenal technical ability (i don’t forget the bicycle kick that beat Leeds United 4 years ago), but I’m not exaggerating when I say this guy is fucking useless. He fits the Barcelona system like Nick Cannon fits the case of his new movie ‘Bobby’. (What the fuck is he doing there??)

6. Play your strongest centre half on the left side

I have no doubt that Fabio Cannavaro is the best centre-half in the game, and Roberto Carlos is having probably the best form of his life. Still, I saw Leo Messi - while being double-teamed by the both of them - take it to the no way out zone of the bottom corner of the box, and then skin both of them simultaneously. Sure, all he was able to do was play a perfect pass into the box for good old Eidur to sky straight over the bar for six yards, but the danger is there, you just have to assume that your left full back is as good as skinned, and have your best centre back ready to cover at all times, especially when your left full back is Cashley Cole and is shit.

—————

SOME AWESOME MUSIC

There should be no constant reader of this website that is single. Girls are suckers for musical taste, this is something I’ve learnt over the years, you have to judge the situation, but certainly the girl you’re interested in is somewhere on the spectrum between subjecting her to the music in your car/room and making her a mix-tape.

I promise you, if you have a chance with this girl (your personality isn’t vapid, you are smart, moderately good looking - notice she’s single isn’t a pre-req), the music can really be the clincher.

Anyway, here is a new list:

1. Joshua Radin and Schuyler Fisk - Paperweight
2. The Album Leaf - Streamside
3. Cary Brothers - Ride
4. Bell X1 - Next to You
5. Death Cab for Cutie - Brothers On A Hotel Bed
6. Sigur Ros - Agaetis Birjun (sp)
7. Five for Fighting - Easy Tonight
8. Halloween Alaska - Telling Me
9. Snow Patrol - You Could Be Happy <– always a winner
10. The Brian Jonestown Massacre - Seer
11. Joshua Radin - Winter
12. Mum - We All Have A Map Of The Piano