I’m gonna be the first to put this out there. I back Valencia to win it. I know there’s a high probability it won’t happen but I am equally confident there there is every chance it will. I am also gonna put this out there. Raul Albiol? Best defender in the world in 7-8 years, best defender in Spain without a doubt. Forget Sergio Ramos and the 18 Million Pounds spent on him. This Valencia youth set-up graduate is where it’s at.

Canizares - despite having been playing professional football so long I believe he may have been written about in the bible - is still (Sorry Petr Cech) the best goal-keeper in the world and in front of him (as well as aforementioned Albiol) sit the unholy duo of Roberto Ayala (who is still eating centre forwards and cavalier midfield pretenders up for breakfast) and David Albelda (who I think might think he is not a football player but a bounty hunter or something).

The summer acquisition of one time Chelsea target, Joaquin at right wing adds balance and is helping to compensate for Miguel’s some-time neglect of defensive duties, and taking some of the onus off of Vicente on the left who is still looking for his first positive contribution of the season. Don’t worry, he’ll find his form soon. I thought he had half way throug the first half of their game at the Camp Nou, but a pass I thought he had played accurately to Villa’s feet actually ricoched off of Zambrotta.

Up front of course, Valencia suddenly for the first time in their history find themselves with a triumvirate of really good players. I have no fucking idea how David Villa managed to fly under the radar for so long because he is now, in my mind, undoubtedly at the very least the third best striker in the world, and the ones ahead of him are two and four years older. The man can literally do nothing wrong, everything he seems to do ends up in the back of the net, including one that he struck from the half-way line against Deportivo La Caruna last season.
In addition Morientes seems to have regained the form that Benitez almost pushed out of him and we still have a guy called Fransisco Tavano, who was brought in from Empoli for 6 Million Pounds and was Newcastle’s first choice before being forced to go for Obafemi Martins.

Barcelona are of course still the favourites, having been light years ahead of everyone except Arsenal last year and strengthening shrewdly over the summer (an art seemingly elusive to all of the Premiership’s managers with perhaps the exception of Arsene Wenger). Although that’s not to say there isn’t unrest, as Thuram spoke out this week about his dismay at being left on the bench. It’s understandable considering the guy is probably the best defender in the world whose name isn’t Fabio Cannavaro. Ronaldinho is still Ronaldinho and Eto’o is still the best striker in the world and a fucking gazelle. I often wonder if he ever goes for a morning jog and ends up in Iceland or soemthing.

What’s interesting however is that they haven’t chosen to bring in an anchor midfield, the one position I felt they lacked last year, instead choosing to let Van Bommel flee to pasteurs new, attempting to fill the boots left by Michael Ballack at Bayern. It’ll be interesting to see if Leo Messi fulfills his promise this season, since he seemed to tail off last season and has been eratic this. Giuly still thinks he’s good enough to play professional football and I will enjoy seeing him completely phased out this season when people realise all he can do is run really fast.

Lyon it has to be said look like something of a steam-train. After demolishing Real Madrid they sit easy at the top of their group and something like I believe sixty five points clear at the top of Ligue 1 with five games played.

Eric Abidal has suddenly since the World Cup become the hottest property at left back in the world. I don’t know enough about him to make a joke so I’m going to leave it at that. In midfield they will certainly miss Mahmadou Diarra - who capitulated to Real Madrid in the summer after bitching and threatening to go on strike - but he has been replaced - ish - by exciting prospect Jeremy Toulalan who they grabbed from Nantes. This guy has everything, but not even that is not as much as midfield counterpart Juninho who literally can do anything on the pitch. He frequently scores free kicks from the parking lot and sometimes while still in bed. He was given his chance at the world cup when it was realised that all the Brazillians ahead of him were vastly overrated and he seized it immediately with a performance that warranted continuity lest reputations not overrule.

Either way, Lyon are very very strong and I wouldn’t ever bet against them, I don’t care who you’re backing, not even if it’s Barca.

I doubt it

I have absolutely no idea what the hell Inter Milan are doing. Three red cards in two games and a home defeat to Bayern Munich. I can’t say its not surprising considering the fact that the team features Ivan Cordoba, Marco Materazzi (you may remember him from such moves as the flying elbow, the knee breaker and probably at some point features in Dawn of the Dead whenever people bodies are being torn apart at the torso), Patrick ‘holds the record for being sent off in the Champion’s League for three different teams’ Vieira, Walter ‘the wall’ Samuel and Zlatan Ibrahimovic who thinks being sent off is funny.

I also forgot Fabio Grosso in that list of shame, who was sent off with a straight red on Willy Sagnol for being skinned down the wing and then realising instead of trying to win it back/hold him up it would be much easier to just floor him with an elbow to the face.

Don’t be surprised if they spontaneously combust, especially since either Mancini is fucking Ibrahimovic on the side or he is a fucking moron and refuses to play Adriano up top. I wouldn’t go near them with a dollar.

Liverpool of course, don’t have a shot in hell. They lucked out two years ago and after being found out last year, they’re going to get shot-down with equal ease this year. Problems? No strikers of any sort of world class pedigree. Bellamy can run but can’t finish, Fowler can but he has no pace and Crouch doesn’t have either.

Positives are a fucking awesome midfield, but it really has the ability to do is win the ball through Sissoko and then pass you to death via Xabi Alonso. Gerrard’s isolation on the right is a huge problem and I’m counting the days until Rafa Benitez finally realises that there is such a thing as a three man central midfield. I shudder to say it but Pennant is just as effective as Gerrard on the right, so what’s the fucking point.

At the back if the England - Croatia game is anything to go on, Carragher is a real problem at the back and even though Agger is looking awesome, early season it will certainly not be enough to keep out Champions League strikers. I hope if Liverpool navigate their group they get drawn against Valencia, I would love to see Rafa Benitez get pissed on by the team he walked out on (fucker) and you know that if Galatassary are scoring two goals on you at Anfield, David Villa is gonna kill you.

Although that said, if the England - Croatia game is anything to go on, Manchester United are in big, big trouble. Ferdinand is getting found out more and more and I’m literally at a loss as to what the point of Michael Carrick is. I defy anybody out there to tell me what his purpose is. Even before the Croatia game exposed him for the fraud he is, all I was are he was able to do was pass over long distances. I can’t remember the last time he has ever put a good ball on for anyone, and even in a three man central midfield, with protection from Scott Parker he still doesn’t have the ability to make the space he needs for himself. Everything he can do, Paul Scholes can do better, and he cost nothing, and oh yeah, he was already at the fucking club.

Ferguson needed an anchor midfield, so he splashed 18 Million Pounds on the footballing equivalent of an appendix. Mahmadou Diarra who feasts on the ground up skulls of gladiators only went for 6 Million Pounds more than that. Fucking hell. There are literally millions of younger, stronger midfield players you can get that would do a better job than Michael Carrick. Tomas Rosicky is in my opinion in the best three central midfielders in the league and he cost something like 7 million.

But to be honest, that 18 Million downfall shouldn’t really be what’s concerning you. It should really be the fact that Ole Solskjaer had to save you from a fucking draw with Newcastle aka. couldn’t buy a fucking point. Rooney hasn’t scored since he was slamming hookers and Louis Saha is as good at football as Kevin Federline is at rap music.

A referee tries and probably fails to for once get Joe Cole to shut the fuck up

Don’t expect too much either, Chelsea, you might have depth but you are not equipped to win the Champions League. Shoving a bunch of central midfielders between your defenders and your strikers might grind out wins against piece of shit teams like Man City but I promise you will get found out against teams that are well organised. You should have been found out by Werder Bremen, but Petri Pasanen slipped over and Miroslav Klose fucked up two clear chances.

Frank ‘the Shank’ Lampard is still operating under his shoot on sight policy for England which was nice to see, saved us the complication of actually winning a game or getting a single shot on target. He might just be the most overrated of all time, not just right now.

Also, sorry to say this, but John Terry is no longer John Terry. I hope he proves me wrong over the course of the season.

Which brings me to Arsenal. It’s fortunate that Henry hasn’t been prolific recently because it has forced Robin Van Persie to BECOME FUCKING AWESOME. The guy cannot stop scoring. The only bad thing I can say about him is that he runs like a girl. And his hair is stupid. And he was arrested on suspicion of rape. Oh yeah, and also how he wins penalties, taking off where the departed Robert Pires left off.

That guy spends more time on his back that dead people.

I rate Tommy Rosicky, Cesc Fabregas and Gilberto Silva. They’re all fucking awesome. Hleb is looking better than he looked last year and even though Ljungberg is still almost as overrated as Lampard and constantly looks like he’s going to fall over, he’s doing a job (of sorts). Ljungberg reminds me of that guy in the second Might Ducks movie that can’t stop himself when he’s skating really fast. He looks like he has this pathological need to - whenever he gets the ball - to run down the wing and then only when he is surrounded and has nowhere to go, to look up and/or get fouled then make a face.

AC Milan are finished. Any money you put on them is money wasted. Alessandro Nesa is still fantastic, and the unholy combo of Gennaro Gattuso and Andrea Pirlo is the only one which could possibly rival the central midfield capabilities of Liverpool, but somehow they have been even more impotent in front of goal. Shevchenko leaving left a gaping hole which has been filled by Ricardo Oliviera from Betis, who two years prior was allowed to leave Valencia for a minute fee.

Gillardino up front is not enough for you to win the Champions League.

Peace.