Another weekend and another match decided by Cristiano Ronaldo. I know that I’m predisposed to not liking the guy because he’s soft, and because he’s - let’s face it - a twat. But as a paid journalist of sorts, I’d like to think I’m objective in my belief that all things aside, Ronaldo is just a thoroughly, thoroughly overrated player.

Don’t get me wrong, without him, Manchester United would have an incredibly tough time winning the Premiership both last year, and - inevitably - this year. But to put him in a league with people like Ronaldinho, Zidane, and other such modern legends is frankly, ludicrous, and in my opinion, fucking offensive. If he didn’t exist, I doubt Manchester United would have won the Premiership last year, and with Arsenal’s Adebayor coming up like Seven-Up this year, and Avram Grant’s remarkably efficient Chelsea, I doubt they would be able to push on this year either. Because what he brings to the table, is an ability to absolutely fucking annihilate full backs.

However, the truth is, whenever he comes up against a good full back, then you might as well have a gorilla on your wing. Routinely, Ashley Cole, Gael Clichy, and the likes will put him in their pockets for entire matches. Other full-backs? He will monster them. No question about it. People like Steven Carr and Mario Melchiott, yeah he will fuck them up. Particularly if you don’t get a holding midfielder to man-handle him. But if you do? If you get a half-way decent anchor (I’m not talking someone like Gennaro Gattuso [who fucking wrecked him last year in the Champs League], I mean someone as good as Robbie Savage) to follow him around and kick his heels every now and then, make sure whenever he’s loose on the wing he doesn’t get a one on one with your sub-par fucking full back, well then you stop him.

I guarantee Ronaldo’s effectiveness and his goals dry the fuck up in Europe now that we’ve hit the knock-out stages. Maybe he’ll snag one against Lyon, but after that? Fucking forget it. Not against tactically proficient Managers, good full backs, and intelligent holding midfielders. In those games he’s only scoring penalties and free-kicks, which I will admit, are fucking incredible.

So yeah, you need him to win a league title, because against about 15 out of 19 opponent full backs, he’s gonna tear them to shreds. When Man United play shitty teams like Fulham and Wigan and whatnot, where Arsenal or Chelsea have trouble putting goals away sometimes, Ronaldo will clean up. But the fact he can’t do the same against good players shows him for what he is. I’m honestly, fucking tired of people telling me he is not as good as Leo Messi.

Leo Messi is the best player in the fucking world hands down. He fucks full backs and midfielders alike, all up and down. And any full backs or midfielders. And homeboy works back, a concept completely lost on Ronaldo, who rarely ever helps Wes Brown or whatever poor soul is shoved into a perpetual two on one and right back. Seriously, the vast majority of you don’t even watch La Liga: watch that shit, watch Messi ruin Cannavaro and Sergio Ramos before you say shit. Don’t just watch Ronaldo tear up people like Paul fucking Scharner every week and think it’s the best thing you’ve ever seen. Doing it against the greats - that’s the mark.

Also, Newcastle: fucking sort it out man.