by James
WARNER BROS' 2006 MOVIE LINE UP
There is without a shadow of a doubt, no studio that can boast a line-up for next year like Warner Bros can. I think the fact that new gay Superman is in their pocket would probably be enough to sky rocket their studio to all new levels of both profit and homosexuality. I don't have anything against gay people, but that the director is gay, Clark Kent looks like a raging ass pirate and that Pyro in the second X-Men movie is quite possibly the most rug munching looking guy I have ever seen.
Anyway, outside of the dude in the blue tights, there's a fucking phenomenal line-up, so lets have a look. Seriously, lets...
THE FOUNTAINRelease: TBA 2006
While it's true to say that I'm very very disappointed that Brad Pitt was substituted for fucking Wolverine, it's probably for the best considering as it is right now I'm pretty much foaming at the mouth to see this film with the current cast rounded off by Rachel "sometimes very attractive and sometimes god DAYUM" Weisz and Ellen "where the hell is my oscar for Requiem" Burstyn.
If you don't know, the story is one man (Jackman)'s thousand-year struggle to save the woman he loves. As a 16th century Conquistador, a modern-day scientist, and a 26th century astronaut, he searches for the secret to eternal life.
How fucking awesome is that?
Throw into the mix the fact that it's both written and directed by Darren Aronofsky (Requiem for a Dream, Pi) and you can pretty much guarantee you're gonna see some shit you've never seen before.
If you catch the trailer, there is a beautiful shot of a huge tree which is pretty breath-taking.
THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES BY THE COWARD ROBERT FORDRelease: TBA 2006
THE FIRST RULE OF THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES IS YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE TITLE.
THE SECOND RULE OF THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES IS MUCH LIKE THE FIRST IN THAT ANY REFERENCES TO THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES WILL BE HEAVILY FROWNED UPON.
Jesus Christ what a stupid title. Good thing the movie is carried by the COOLEST GUY IN THE WORLD. Any guy who says who wouldn't give up his life to be Brad Pitt is lying and/or Will Smith. This is probably the movie I most want to see next year. In comparison to a new Brad Pitt starring vehicle, i could give a razor blade to my nuts for The Fountain or X-Men 3 in comparison.
I remember watching American Outlaws earlier this year thinking by the beard of zeus Colin Farrell is so fucking cool as Jesse James. Even though I didn't say it to anything, nor did my thinking it affect anything whatsoever, I take it back. Brad Pitt is the shit. That is the only official picture released of the film so far and its fucking glorious.
V FOR VENDETTARelease: March 17th
As much as I hate to say it, this seems to be pretty much a doomed project. When your lead actor drops out half-way through, you know you're in for something rough. The Wachowski's failures have been elaborately and convincingly covered up by the fact they have written one good movie in about 6 attempts.
The first Matrix is and will always be what they're remembered for, the world before it became Super Neo and his logic defying friends.
Natalie Portman is all kinds of hot, but I don't think even she can save this film. As much as I loved the comic.
In fact, I don't even think V look cool anymore. And that's bad.
LADY IN THE WATERRelease: July 21st
Take it from me, THIS MOVIE IS GONNA SUCK. And if it doesn't suck, it's definitely not going to be what you expect it to be. This is Shayamalan's film for his kids, this is gonna be more Stuart Little than fucking Sixth Sense. And it's very unfortunate because this is probably gonna be his make-or-break film.
Every film he's made since Sense has tanked magnificently under the weight of expectation. I really loved Unbreakable, I think it's one of the best films ever made. But Signs was WAY off the mark, and even though The Village was weak, I make my peace with it.
But there's only so many poor films you can make without punishment. And other wordly cinematography can only save you once. Village rode that with beautiful shots, but my feeling is that Lady in the Water won't be able to jump on the same ride and be financially viable.
It's gonna make money. There's no doubt, the whole world is waiting for that movie that's gonna put Shayamalan back where he deserves to be, just like Eddie Murphy, but thats another story. This however, is not going to be the one to do it.
SUPERMAN RETURNSRelease: June 30th
Big Gay Man In Tights I think was the production title. Lets make that emblem a little smaller and accentuate his nuts on the costume. Perfect. Also, Kate Bosworth is not, no matter how brown you dye her hair, Lois Lane. That role belongs and always will, to eternal hottie Teri Hatcher.
I don't really know what to feel about this movie. Bryan Singer doesn't make bad films. But I'm not completely sure whether or not I want to see it. I've never been a big fan of Superman I mean it's like the guy is SUPER, you need flaws people. Allergies aren't flaws.
Kevin Spacey is in it though. And if I'd written this yesterday I'd have said something like Kevin Spacey makes any movie great, but I happened to see Edison last night and only narrowly emerged with my life.
Bald Kevin Spacey? I don't know what he can achieve in a film surrounded by probably the two most annoying people in showbiz - Kate Bosworth and James Marsden (Who? FUCKING CYCLOPS THATS WHO) - and about sixty eight thousand gay innuendos.
THE DEPARTEDRelease: TBA 2006
Great cast. Really great cast. Matt Damon became cool after he started associating with Pitt and Clooney in the Ocean films, Wahlberg was always cool because he wore his pants real low and was a white rapper under the pseudonym Marky Mark, and Jack Nicholson, well he was the Joker. Oh yeah we've got Leonardo Di Caprio too. Who died. For his love. On a boat. Allegedly he was king of the world for quite some time.
I would doubt very much this will be the film to get Scorsese the Oscar he deserves but who am I to judge. They felt it necessary to give Denzel Washington one.
But a movie based on an Asian one (Infernal Affairs) that sucked? I don't know that I expect anything from this. Jack Nicholson can only get you so far. There's not a great deal of action, and damn it if Mark Wahlberg isn't smacking someone's head into a toilet bowl quipping one liners your film is in trouble, or you better hope that there's a really hot girl on screen to take our attention away from the spunk puddle he calls 'serious acting' (playa).
You've seen The Big Hit right?
Finally, how do you know a movie is in DIRE STRAITS? When you have Anthony Anderson cast fifth billing. That's when.
And thus concludes the glorious list that I have written, hopefully this will stave off all of you update vultures for a while.
