SWEET HOME ALABAMA

By James

 

 

 

Right before I get into this article, I want everyone in the world to go out and by a film called 'The Big Hit'. It is the best shit film in the world and it stars Mark Wahlberg and Lou Diamond Phillips. Please buy it as it is infuckingcredible and I want to review it. Thank you

I have never liked Reese Witherspoon. I think that the only other film I've seen her in, is Cruel Intentions, and Sarah Michelle Geller played god in that movie, so she obviously pales in comparison.

 

Anyway, I was beaten into watching this shit-heap of a film about a year and a half ago, by my then girl-friend. We have since broken up and I can now write that off as a complete waste of two fucking hours. Looking back in retrospect, it's hard to pinpoint exactly why she thought I'd enjoy a film in which I can guess the entire plot, ending and sequel after seeing the trailer, but hey, there I was all the same, so I ask you now, who's the moron?

 

 

Within the first twenty minutes if you cannot guess the entire movie (including very clever jokes and red-neck sub-plots), you officially qualify as a danger to both yourself and others.

Anyway...

The film starts out with a beautiful little scene, whereby Dakota Fanning and random young trailer-trash guy run along the beach and then share the youngest on-screen kiss of all time. Young trailer-trash guy wants to marry Dakota (young Melanie) so that he can kiss her 'ayny tahm ah wawnt'.

 

We fast forward to Reese Witherspoon and are plunged head-on into a shitty cookie-cutter angry teen girl wish I was Sheryl Crow song as she walks purposefully down the street and it's then that we (as males) realise that we are in for a bumpy fucking ride.




Turns out Reese is a big time clothing designer, and we're thrown straight into her fashion show and witty banter with token gay rival designer. Seeing the models strut her truly mediocre clothing is the proof we're given that Reese has absolutely no talent whatsoever. Well... That and any other point of the movie where she talks or appears on-screen.

Her boyfriend, son of the senator guy decides it'll be an awesome idea to propose to Reese in a closed Tiffany's, calling back all the staff and telling her she can have ANY RING SHE WANTS. Hmm NO FUCKING SHIT SHE'LL MARRY YOU. This is the point of the film where every girl in the world turns to their boyfriends, puts on puppy eyes and communicates via mind-waves the idea that you should (as a man) sell your spleen and your body for a couple of weeks, so as to be able to pull off the same stunt.


"IM SENATOR AND YOU'RE MARRYING THIS HICK??

They turn up at a party and her prospective mother in law does not take the news lightly. Reese's also feeling a little bit worried, as the movie throws us a massive curve-ball in the idea that she may actually still be married to someone back in Alabama. That's right, it's amazing, and no-one ever saw it coming. Even though they mentioned it twice in the trailer.

So off she goes straight back to Alabama...

And by golly you had better get ready for the comedy to flow thick and fast. In fact, if you weren't paying complete attention, there's a chance that the hillarious jokes may in fact just bowl you over and into submission. Because every tired joke about red-nicks and hicks is the core of EVERY COMMENT MADE FROM THIS POINT ONWARDS. Not that I saw that coming either, of course.


AWW SHE'S SO CUTE SO WE LOVE HER BY DEFAULT

Somewhere on planet massively un-funny, Reese finds her way to token Southern hick guy from whom she wants her marriage annulled. This leads to some more prize-winning mediocre humour scraped straight from the barrell of fake marriage and hill-billy jokes. Eventually, running her efforts into the ground, Reese decides that the best thing to do would probably be to go down to the town's most beloved bar, insult everyone in there, reveal the nicest guy in the town to be GAY and then puke in the back of her hick husband's car.

Fast forward from this and the writers, the plot and my fucking head is getting tired. Nothing evolves, except for that pinch of fake romance sprinkled straight from the tub of convulted scripts and predictable plot twists, as alas love is blossoming between Reese and Husband who's name I've was not important enough for me to remember, or look up.


I WONDER IF THESE TWO GET TOGETHER

Anyway, in another fantastical plot hook, Reese's impatient husband arrives in Alabama, to meet the in-laws, and is surprised to find that Melanie's not from the rich family that she said she was, but in fact is from a poor family, much to the disgust of his senator mother. Forunately for her though, this is a romantic comedy, and any male character who isn't called Butch is therefore obligated by genre conventions to be a truly good guy, and therefore he accepts her for who she is.

And therefore.... The Wedding.

But wait, Melanie runs off, to look for her ex hick husband, who's planting shit in the sand, not only because then he can make those cool lightning glass things, but also because this way, we get this really fucking awesome plot gimmick whereby we have the exact same setting for both the beginning and the ending of the film. Now, if only hick guy could say "So I cayn kiyuss you weynever ah wawnt." Again, like the start of the film, jesus that would fucking blow my mind.

BUT NO OH HELL NO, instead, hick guy says "Wah d yew wawnt to be married t mee aynyways?" and in a massive 360 flip of sixth sense good jesus I could never even dreamed of a mind fuck like that plot twisting magnitude and this time REESE says "So I cayn kiyuss you weynever ah wawnt." FUCKKKKK I'M SPENT.


Anyway yeah it seems Sweet Home Alabama will stand the tests of time as a dirge of male life. Guys, I suggest you concentrate on the only two images in this movie:

1. Reese's hot brunette friend whom I believed Kevin Spacey fucked from beind in The Life of David Gale.
2. Young Reese getting struck by lightning at the start of the movie. HAHAHHAHHA

And there you go.