JASMINE TRIAS

Defining Characteristic: The flower in her ear.

Sings like: Every other good female singer.

Style: Unoriginal.

Mark my words, that flower will see her through to at least the top five. She sings well enough, but the show professes to be looking for a "unique voice", which Jasmine clearly doesn't have. It's ok though, that surely isn't going to work against her, we've got every Asian, every guy who digs cute girls, every one of her friends, and now that Camille's been eliminated, the whole of Hawaii propping her up.

I like her though, she's plenty cute. Doesn't deserve to win though.

JENNIFER HUDSON

Defining Characteristic: Her size

Sings like: A Pneumatic Drill

Style: Loud and un-relenting

How many times has she been praised, and called the next Aretha? Fuck me, I've lost count already. Even Simon disappointed me. Don't the judges realise that constantly making sound does not necessarily constitute singing? Doesn't anyone? She's like a fucking drill. The only difference being that you can turn the drill off.

The worst decision she ever made was to straighten her hair. She lost her only saving grace, her only gimmick, that had everyone with fucked up curly hair vote for her, now all she has is her family, her friends, and deaf construction workers. Actually, scratch that, deaf and blind construction workers, who mistake her name for Jennifer Aniston.

JOHN STEVENS

Defining Characteristic: The fact that he is a boy-giant

Sings like: Frank Sinatra after he's been injected with a horse tranqueliser

Style: Sinatra

Talking about short end of the stick. This guy sings swing really fucking well, but I certainly wouldn't call him a good singer. He can cover it up when he does his Sinatra impersonations, and he actually does them convincingly. Well enough to suggest he has a genuine chance to win the whole thing.

Then the last two weeks happened. Week one: "Oh John, yeah you need to sing Motown". Week two: "Oh yeah John, now you need to sing Elton John". Talk about fucked over.

Lionel Richie is a great singer, but you ask him to do a version of Snoop Doggy Dogg's Gin 'n Juice and he's going to sound like shit. And that's the problem, American Idol need to make it clear whether or not they're looking for an "original voice" or the most versatile.

It's alright though, John's got his entire school voting for him en masse, not to mention every viewer over the age of sixty.

DIANA DEGARMO

Defining Characteristic: The mouth

Sings like: Sandy from Grease

Style: High-school musical

I've changed my mind about her. Prior to this week's episode, I absolutely loathed her, she just looks like such a fucking skank, especially when she does that hair pulled tight over the forehead thing. ARGH.

But last week she looked good, and she looked even better this week, so I now I'm even kind of hoping she wins. Not that she will though, maybe if she can concentrate on not pumping her arms and skipping around stage and actually sing. Note to Diana: There's a reason why people don't run a marathon and then sing, it's called being out of breath.

She can sing well though, she just dresses like shit a lot of the time and sometimes looks like an under-aged hooker.

FANTASIA BARRINO

Defining Characteristic: The lips

Sings like: Macy Gray

Style: Macy Gray

One of two unique voices in the competition, and Camille just left. So based on that premise alone, she should win. However, she faces the serious disadvantage of not having a real fan-base to assure her votes. Her church just isn't big enough. Oh yeah, and she ain't the prettiest of chicks.

She's far and away not only the best singer in the competition, but also the most consistent, it's just a question of whether America decides to pull it's collective head out of it's ass and do the right thing, rather than vote for "that cute girl with the flower in her ear", or "John Stevens, that young whipper-snapper *cough* *cough* oh my god I'm dying, why in my day..."

LATOYA LONDON

Defining Characteristic: Nothing. If you looked up the word ordinary in the dictionary, you'd see a picture of Latoya.

Sings like: All good black singers

Style: Diva-esque

Latoya. Is. So. Ordinary. No. Way. She. Will. Ever. Win. Bad. Hair. Day. Every. God. Damn. Day.

GEORGE HUFF

Defining Characteristic: His hydraulic suspension knee joints

Sings like: Marvin Gaye

Style: Motown's greatest hits

You could almost get away with calling George unique, if he was the only man in the world, and the continent of Africa had never been discovered.

Oh shit so he used to flip omlettes. Oh my god, he's so cute, he's so humble, he shaved his fucking moustache... Who gives a shit?

He can sing real well, sure, and he deserves a record contract, but at the end of the day, I thought we were looking for a unique voice?

JOHN PETER LOUIS

Defining Characteristic: Acting like a galoot

Sings like: You or me

Style: Style?

Ok, so he got through the 'wild-card' aka "You don't even deserve to be here" round by being a bafoon, this coupled with the fact that his dad is fat and equally unafraid to embarrass himself in front of thirty million people ensured that he was voted through.

Since making the finalists, he has churned out shit performance one after another and still somehow manages to get himself voted through, riding on the coat-tails of his earlier one off "vote for me America PLEASE" massacre of Elvis' "A Little Less Conversation".

Simon called him the "dark horse to win this competition", it's true he is, but dark horses never win. Look at Portugal, the dark horses to win the last World Cup - they ended up losing to both South Korea and the USA who call football soccer.