by James

Recently elected governor of California, and last seen in a cameo in "Around the World in 80 Days", the omens for fans of Arnold Schwarzenegger movies don't look good.

So here, in a tribute to the glorious acting career of the Terminator, let's reflect on what has been something of a topsy-turvy, yet massively pop culture laced acting juggernaut of a resume.

THE GOOD

Terminator

Terminator II: Judgement Day

Terminator III

The movies which put Arnold on the map. Why was Arnold good in this movie? Well, basically because he pretty much didn't have to act. He plays a robot killing machine from the future, and basically just walks around and smashes people to shit with his bare hands, spouting one-liners. Which is what I'd imagine he does in his spare time anyway. I wrote a review of T3 here, but in terms of the other two...I'd recommend Judgement Day but not Terminator. Of course you need to see that one to understand the premise, I guess.

I have come back in time. (To when I still had a career)

Total Recall

If you are a guy, you've seen Total Recall. You might not remember it, or you might not want to admit it, but no matter what your reason for shirking it is, you've seen this movie. If you legitimately don't remember seeing it, just know that this is the movie with the woman from Mars who has three tits. Yeah? Got it? Alright let's continue.

This is actually a real fucking good movie. We've got inter-planetary travel, mad action scenes, Arnold pulling a homing beacon the size of my fist out of his nose, Arnold talking to himself, Arnold wigging out and busting the hell out of an android taxi driver, Arnold's face melting, and of course, aforementioned tripple breasted lady. What the hell more could you ask for? Good acting? Ok never mind then, let's move on.

True Lies

Surely the best movie Arnold has ever made. Fucking hillarious, thanks in equal parts to a wicked script and the genius of Tom Arnold. The final fifteen minutes of what I like to call the "Arnold Bushwacking Climax" is a little too reminescent of every other action movie he made since the beginning of time, chock full of explosions, that stare of his, and one-liners delivered in poor English.

Actually, I'm starting to not think that this is as good a movie as I thought it was. We do get to see Jamie Lee Curtis strip, which is a fate not even Osama Bin Laden is deserving of, but no, that's right, now I remember how fucking funny it was:

(Arnold and his wife are imprisoned and he has been given some drugs which force him to tell the truth)

Wife: Have you ever killed anyone?

Arnold: Yeah but they were all bad!

......

Wife: Are we gonna die?

Arnold: YEP!

THE BAD

Jingle All The Way

Well, we've gone six movies and still no explanation of why Arnold speaks with a FUCKED UP accent in every role, despite being cast as a 100% American. Oh well.

Jingle All The Way was Arnold's return to comedy. Unfortunately it didn't work. For two reasons I think: One, Arnold's in it. Two, Jake Lloyd plays his son.

It's a well known fact that nobody likes Jake Lloyd. Least of all the Star Wars geek demographic. (Note: He's the guy who played the young Anakin Skywalker).

At the end we are treated to Arnold flying around in his "turbo-suit" though, and what's really cool and life-like about it, is that it's probably about fifty one thousand times more advanced than anything the US military has put out in the last ten years.

THE REAL FUCKING UGLY

End Of Days

What cruel trick was played on Arnold to let him think that this movie could actually save his faltering career?

End of Days is just excruciating. Gabriel Byrne, playing Satan, spends the whole movie walking around horny, and that's about it. Arnold is completely mis-cast as a washed up cop. When will people learn that the only role he can fulfill is that of the unstoppable killing machine?

It's just not a believable story...The only person that can take on Satan and win, is Voltron, I would have thought that that was fucking clear already.

The Sixth Day

Just when you thought that it couldn't get much worse, Arnold made this steaming pule of cinema puke. The premise of this movie stinks more than a shit encrusted skunk, who just walked out of the ass of another skunk.

Pure and absolute shit. I don't know what to say about it other than just throw random insults at it. If the Sixth Day was a character from the X-Men it would most definitely be Toad. I hate this movie. I hate that I've wasted two hours of my life watching it. I should have known though, when I first found out that his movie was about cloning. I mean, we've already established that one Arnold in a movie is enough to deem it to failure, just imagine what TWO Arnolds would do.

Well, there you have it, a look back on the career of one of the biggest Actors of our generation. It's quite depressing isn't it? And to think it made him look this bad without even having to write about Twins and Junior.

I guess we'll be closing the book on his acting career anyway, and in the meantime, we'll just have to watch and wait as the USA slowly takes over the rest of the world, one country at a time, I mean seriously, who's gonna fuck with the Terminator? That's why he was elected wasn't it?