LOVE DON'T COST A THING
Starring:
Nick Cannon, Christina Milian, many random
whores and I think the girl from that band "Dream"
The Premise:
When a major babe fucks up her mom's car, the
resident school geek pays for and does the repairs for her himself, on the
one condition that she pretend to be his girlfriend for two weeks.
Where it went wrong:
Maybe if "Drive Me Crazy" had never come out,
this would be a new concept. Oh, no wait, scratch that I forgot about "Can't
Buy Me Love".
This is a "teen-comedy" except, there's not one
fucking part in this movie where I laughed. At least they got the _teen_
part right. Difficult to cast as it is.
Nick Cannon is a bag of shit actor. When they
*improve* his hair, it magically gets a hundred times worse. God only knew
that a hair-style could change your personality 100% and oh yeah, when he
busts out a keep fit video routine in the middle of a frat party, everyone
hails it as the greatest event on the Earth.
Oh yeah. And Keenan from Keenan and Kel is in
it.
Where it really went wrong:
The premise is that Milian's character wants to
show off how l33t her ride is by taking out her mom's four wheel drive for a
cruise. She crashes and then the movie takes off.
After this, whenever she goes anywhere, she
cruises around a sweet as fuck red convertible. Hmmm ok, so why the fuck was
she taking her mom's car out for a ride anyway?
Only saving grace:
The godliness that is Christina Milian.
Mother fucker she's some hot shit. God damn G.
Holla if you hear me. Yeah. Word to yo motha.
Oh man I feel a tribute coming on.
ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO
Starring: Antonio Banderas, Johnny Depp
The Premise:
A drug lord who pretends to overthrow the
Mexican government. A corrupt CIA agent (Johnny Depp) who at that time,
demands retribution from his worst enemy to carry out the drug lord's
uprising against the government.
Where it went wrong:
Robert Rodriguez is an outstanding director. He
is however, quite possibly one of the worst writers ever to write a script.
El Mariachi was shit, Desperado was shit, and
now Once Upon a Time in Mexico tops off the trilogy of turd, ala Mexican. At
least he's consistant.
Where it really went wrong:
I didn't know it didn't hurt when you got your
eyes GOUGED FROM YOUR FUCKING SKULL. I didn't know that the human shoulder
joints were capable of supporting another human body falling five feet from
a hotel window. I didn't know that Antonio Banderas was such a bad mutha
that he could get hit in the back by a ten ton bus at full speed. I didn't
know that said Banderas was able to get shot five times in the chest at
close proximity and not die.
One saving grace:
Johnny Depp. Recently robbed of an Oscar by
Sean "no-one acts drama like me baby" Penn.
Rodriguez can write comedy a little, and his
witty lines coupled with Depp's delivery from above makes Detective Sands
one of the coolest fucking movie characters ever. Pity it wasn't enough to
save this movie.
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A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH