shitty stuff @ //www.suckball.com

THE BLACK EYED PEAS

By James

I hate the fucking black eyed peas. They're one toilet roll sweatshirt away from dropping a bomb of overrated suck equal to that of OutKast a year ago. Talk about staying power. One good album and now we've got black guy who pushes over the dust bin in fake rage doing absolutely nothing and Andre 3000 getting bitch slapped by Mark Wahlberg in shitty movies.

Anyway, The Black Eyed Peas what a bunch of horse-shit.

WHO ARE THE BLACK EYED PEAS

I'll take a shitty band of token rappers and arbitrary blonde that can sing for 500 alex.

FERGY

Stacey Ferguson joined the group at some point after they had already established themselves, giving the band a much needed HOT LATINO TYPE BOOTY SHAKING SHAKIRA STYLE ARCHETYPE.

Now personally, I find Fergy about as attractive as the underside of Missy Elliot's snatch, but for some reason the vast majority of brain-wave redundant heterosexual males see abs and then proceed to got fucking ape shit. She's not even attractive. Even remotely. She's got a nice body I'll give her that, but she has the face of an ape that was interrogated by Joe Pesci in Casino.

Fergy started out in a sub-par kiddie group called Girls Incorporated which is like the poor-man's Mickey Mouse Club. That might actually be the saddest thing I ever say.

Actually thats a lie, Fergy was never in Kids Incorporated, nor was she from an affluent suburban family. As we all know she was born and raised in the hood, where SHE HAD TO FIGHT FOR HER LIFE AND EVERY NICKEL SHE EVER GOT. DON'T BE FOOLED BY THE ROCKS THAT SHE GOT SHE'S STILL SHE'S STILL FERGY FROM THE BLOCK.

Currently, Fergy is looking for the love. Where is the love? Can you find the love? CAN SOMEBODY TELL HER WHERE THE LOVE IS SO SHE CAN SHUT THE FUCK UP.

OH RIGHT, THERE'S MORE

Be honest. How many of you actually know the names of any of the other people in the band. I don't have a fucking clue. I know the dude on the left has some stupid moniker like will.i.am or some shit but past that? Not a clue.

I'll call the other dudes The Perminator and Paul Calderone (the guy that played the bar-tender in Pulp Fiction. Trust me they look identical)

I think they're looking for the love

THE BAND'S STYLE

From what I can gather from the number of recycled videos and audio trash MTV hits me with on a regular basis like a sucker punch to the throat, that the Black Eyed Peas basically consists of the music slowly devouring your soul for a minute, before one of the random rappers starts spitting rhymes about as imaginative as a jennifer lopez movie ending, and then just when your average sixteen year old is about to flip over to VH1, Fergy comes on screen and flaunts her abs and suddenly we remember, THE BLACK EYED PEAS ARE SO EDGY MY GOD WHERE IS THE LOVE???

THE BAND'S HISTORY

Lets take a look at how the band has evolved.

BEHIND THE FRONT

This is the band's first album. You should notice that due to the complete lack of Fergy whorage, she has not yet joined the band. The album is released in June of 1998 and does absolutely nothing, despite have a parental advisory sticker which we all know pretty much guarantees kids are gonna go ape shit for them.

I bought Coolio's album "Your Soul" or something just because it had that sticker on it and I thought I could impress girls by listening to edgy music. Unfortunately the joke was on me because I was listening to rap music.

BRIDGING THE GAP

The second album ditched the parental advisory sticker and was released in September of 2000. Trust me, the album still needed the warning sticker. Terrorists should be subjected to this kind of auditory punishment. Apparently this album scored them the prestigous title of "#141st Single of the Year". Score.

ELEPHUNK

The third album drops and despite being given a two star rating by Rolling Stone, everyone recognises it as the second coming of christ. The Black Eyed Peas are suddenly heralded as the best band you've never heard of before.

Everyone who had heard their previous shitty albums are thinking oh my god, was the stuff they made before actually really good? And the legion of fans who'd loved the Black Eyed Peas since their very first album continued to live on in the land of night rainbows and leprechauns.

The album goes double platinum and suddenly everybody loves the brain rape of the Black Eyed Peas.

Hang on a minute..

THE EQUATION OF SUCCESS

I like to teach as well as mock, so here I present you some mathematics to keep the old mind sharp.

ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING

ACTUALLY, NOW THATS NOT EXACTLY ACCURATE......

Oh yeah, that's right.