BLADE III aka. Die Ryan Reynolds DIE

By James

 

 

Oh I do so love the Blade films. Still though, I seem to have missed the part when Blade broke down and needed two teenages to help him go about his mission and all around ass-kicking.

Ryan Reynolds. What the fuck are you doing in a Blade movie? You're supposed to be in a sit-com with a guy a girl and a pizza place. Not getting on Blade's nerves and spouting terrible one-liners. And oh yeah, to add insult to injury, Goyer flirts with the idea that he might have died, like three times over the course of the movie, only to have him there again, surviving, being completely un-fucking-funny.

Okay, so basically Blade's on the run from the police, and for some reason accepts the help of Hannibal King (Reynolds) and Abigail Whistler (very very hot Jessica Biel). King is basically a walking one-liner, like you get in most action films, minus the character depth, fighting ability or reason for existing. While Whistler, is just a chick with a bow and arrow who is there solely for aesthetic purposes and/or the possibility of a sequel without Wesley.

Upon meeting the "night-stalkers" Blade voices the opinion of pretty much all of the audience, when he asks just why exactly is it that he should work with a bunch of kids? He agrees to, for no apparent reason, and it's all down hill from there on.


LOL

Seriously, every single good scene comes in the period, I like to call PRE-RYAN REYNOLDS. Seriously. Before he comes, Blade and Whistler work they're old magic, and the film is outstanding. Seeing Blade kick the shit out of vamps by his lonesome is still, and will always be a sight to behold. It's just genius, and that opening scene with Blade in his car with UV lights and Whistler in the truck was fucking stupendous. But realistically, all it does is set you up for a huge disappointment. There's no way the film's gonna continue to be that good. No way. You saw Ryan Reynolds on the poster didn't you?

And who the fuck is Dracula, if not the baddest super powered vampire ever? Oh yeah that's right, he's supposed to be so awesome that he's never ever ever had to evolve. Yeah, and running away from Blade like a pussy, holding a little baby is a great way to exercise your power, just like playing dungeons and dragons is a great way to pick up chicks.


King Ding a ling

WHY THE FUCK DOES HE RUN? Surely he could just twat Blade and that be the end of it. Or if you think your king shit like he did, surely you'd at least stand and try to fight? And come on, was that not the worst most fucked up anti-climax ever? Fucking Nomak put up a bigger fight in Blade II and he was just some chemistry project gone wrong. THIS WAS KING SHIT, DRACULA HIMSELF. The fight was over before it began!

And whose fucking fault was that? Mr. Goyer. If only Del Toro had been available to direct this, it could have been genius. I mean yeah I preferred Blade I to II by far, but let's look at what the respective directors brought to the projects: Del Toro brought Reapers and Ron "Bad motha fucker" Perlman, Goyer brought vampire dogs and RYAN REYNOLDS.

Oh and lest we forget. How much fucking money did Apple pump into this film? In case your wondering or have forgot, the movie basically shuts down about half-way through becomes an I-POD advert featuring Jessica Biel and Wesley Snipes. You see Abigail likes to download mp3s and put them onto her IPOD, which she listens to while hunting vampires. You know, because all that loud music helps when you're trying to hear that blood sucking psycho running at you from behind.

Anyway, in conclusion. Wesley Snipes is still god incarnate as Blade. Seeing him whoop some ass **IN SILENCE** will forever be some of the coolest shit ever. Even if it only lasts for a while. And R.I.P. Whistler, we're sorry to see you go.