Looking Forward to the Blockbusters

by James

By now you should know that there's nothing that gets me excited like movies. Good movies I mean, but generally just any movie with a wicked looking trailer will get me dripping. Anyway, here's a look at what's coming, over the next month or so.

THINGS THAT I WOULDN'T ASK BIN LADEN TO WATCH

Scooby Doo 2: Monster's Unleashed

Just losing out to the title of "Sequel least wanted....Ever" to The Whole Ten Yards, is the sequel to last years sleeper really shitty movie, Scooby Doo.

Fresh from...well...no fucking movie whatsoever, is Sarah Michelle Gellar, and actually, come to think of it, the entire cast. What was the last movie Freddie Prinze Jr. was in? Well...if you can call motion picture he's ever been in a "movie".

Why was it made?

Fucked if I know. I guess because despite sporting the worst cast in modern cinema, the first installment actually made a shit-load of money, from stupid kids and tireless fan-boys.

I actually attribute world famine to the first Scooby Doo movie. I will never watch this movie, of my own choice. I'd rather watch a Double-Dragon/Gigli double bill while having someone take pot shots with a bowling ball at my left nut sack than sit through Scooby Doo 2.

THINGS I DON'T PLAN ON SEEING, BUT WILL PROBABLY END UP, SEEING AS HOW I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND WHO WOULD SELL HER SOUL FOR ANOTHER J.LO ROMANTIC COMEDY

13 Going on 30

A gawky thirteen-year-old girl makes a wish to become popular and finds herself transported forward in time seventeen years, where she is nearly 30 years old and a successful advertising executive (Garner).

Jennifer Garner. Mixed opinions on her, I don't really like her. Great body, but I just don't like the manliness and the face doesn't do anything for me. Plus I don't think I'll ever get over her being in Daredevil.

Why was it made?

Well, romantic comedies generally bring in the bucks. They have ludicrous plots and loads of overly Hollywoodised romance, but for the most part, they'll make good, easy watching, material, and as long as it doesn't feature Jennifer Lopez, you can probably get through it without wanting to tear your eye-balls out at the sockets, so don't worry about seeing this too much.

HOWEVER, let me tell you a story, I went with my girlfriend to see 50 First Dates. Drew Barrymore, she's relatively painless, Adam Sandler, Punch-Drunk Love made me like him, it seemed innocent enough. She cried no less than four times. So let that just be a warning to you, just because it looks safe, doesn't mean it will be.

Mean Girls

Cady Heron (Lohan) is a hit with The Plastics, the A-list girl clique at her new school, until she makes the mistake of falling for Aaron Samuels (Bennett), the ex-boyfriend of alpha Plastic Regina George (McAdams).

I thought that my girlfriend had escaped the trap of Lindsay Lohan, and that maybe I could go my life without watching a single on of her movies. How wrong I was when one day I walked in on her watching Freaky Friday. As it is, I now know the eye-ball and brain-cell destruction that is Lindsay Lohan's screen presence.

We can see just from that picture above that we can expect a lot of ditzy adolescent oh my god that tank top is like so yesterday britney! And walking into a pole humour because that's just so fucking hillarious!

Why was it made?

Because Lindsay Lohan, Hillary Duff and the Olsen Twins are guaranteed money. Primary school girls will stump up their parents' cash, and waste it down their bag of shit movies.

THINGS I WILL KILL TO SEE

Spiderman 2

Peter Parker is now attending New York's Empire State University, and there's a new super-villain on the loose: scientist Dr. Otto Octavius, otherwise known as Doctor Octopus (thanks to the four mechanical arms he has grafted onto his back).

Perhaps one of the only things sustaining my life right now, is the thought of Toby Mcguire suiting up as Spiderman again. Both of the trailers look sweet as hell, and it's only a matter of time before I'm...well, before I'm inevitably disappointed. Not because the movie's shit, but because I'm such a moron that I build up a massive head of steam about how a movie is going to be the second coming, waiting in the cinema line singing the Spiderman theme and trying to shoot webs from my inner wrist.

Why was it made?

Hmm I don't know maybe because it was the greatest movie ever made from a comic. You can yack about X2 all you like, but there's no way they can match the greatness that is Spiderman. Sure they Famke Janssen, Anna Paquin AND Halle Berry, but Spiderman has Kirsten Dunst wet t-shirt shots.

Man on Fire

In Mexico City, a former Marine (Washington) swears vengeance on those who committed an unspeakable act against the family he was hired to protect.

Shit like this is what I live for. Vengeance. That is the single word in the English dictionary that can make me watch a movie. Put this in your synopsis and I will be there in the cinema. There are few things I love more than the following plot structure, no matter how many billions of times it's been done:

• Things are happy.

• Someone is betrayed/killed/left for dead.

• Touching scene where aforementioned person lies on the floor/sits in bed crying/contemplating how best to wreak havoc on the person/people who did the betraying/killing/leaving.

• A LONG JOURNEY OF OWNAGE, EXPLOSIONS, NO MERCY AND WITTY ONE LINERS.

I'm not kidding. It's the only reason I sat though The Patriot and Payback.

Why was it made?

Denzel Washington I guess. I don't know. Because action movies rake in bucks by the millions.

Troy

Prince Paris of Troy (Bloom) steals Helen (Kruger) away from her Spartan king husband, setting the two nations at war. The entire Greek armada lays siege to Troy; the Greek forces, led by massive warrior Achilles (Pitt), and the Trojan forces, led by prince Hector (Bana), fight a bloody battle that takes over a decade to complete.

There you go again. You get the picture, they don't use the exact words, but you know it's there. Vengeance. Who's giving the vengeance induced anal rapage? Brad Pitt, nice? You fucking better believe it.

But wait...It gets better. Who is presumably on the recieving end of the rapage? Who runs like a pussy? Orlando "What I thought my name was Legolas?" Bloom.

You've seen the trailer, you know it looks awesome, let's just get to it already.

Why was it made?

Well, because there are only a couple more bits of history that can be picked up and then whored for Hollywood mega-bucks. Plus, as we all know, Brad Pitt is god, Orlando Bloom is SO DREAMY@!! And nobody likes Eric Bana when he gets angry.

I, Robot

The story, set in 2035, focuses on a robot-hating detective named Del Spooner (Will Smith) who is investigating the murder of Dr. Miles Hogenmiller, an employee at U.S. Robotics. As strange as it may seem, a robot named Sonny is the prime suspect; for Sonny to have committed the crime would be a violation of the basic laws of robotics. Dr. Susan Calvin, a psychologist, is helping Spooner in his investigation.

I said Spiderman 2 is one of the things keeping my going at the moment. I, Robot is pretty much the other movie that I'm excited to see.

Sure, they're going to absolutely fucking butcher Asimov's original story, but to tell the truth, I don't care. A movie about a robot rebellion against humans? Good. Bridget Moynahan? Good. Will "King of one-liners" Smith? Oh so fucking good.

Why was it made?

I honestly couldn't say. I would never have thought Will Smith would have been in a movie spawned by the writings of Isaac Asimov, but hey it's looking good. The trailer looked sweet, and the omens are good, as long as the fan-boys can hold back their "Asimov would be rolling in his grave" perpetuations, it should be all good.

I expect it to go like this:

• Some interesting Bi-centennial Man-The Matrix-AI back-story about the introduction of robot servants.

• A murder is committed and a robot is the major suspect.

• A rebellion, with some wicked action.

• Loads more wicked action and some witty Will Smith one-liners and ass-kicking.

Think Bad Boys I and II with Robots and without out the almighty un-funny that is Martin Lawrence.