by James
JAMES' LIST OF TOP TWENTY HOTTEST GIRLS OF POP CULTURE
Okay, so I've decided that the whole plain white article thing was kind of shit and depressing, so I've decided to add some colour to the scheme of things. Anyway, to kick off the whole new schebang, I've decided to write a list of my top twenty things that I love.
There aren't many things that I like more than girls and my favourite thing in the world is pop-culture, so hey it's an all-round win, right?
Anyways, on to the list...
#20 - KIMBERLY, THE PINK RANGER
From: The Power Rangers (Ah, my first love, Kimberly, how fondly I remember)
Gains points for: Being an original cast member! She stayed true to the original series and the original shitty movie and never branched out into the whole Super Mega Power Rangers of Space Galactica and Ultimate Ass-Kickery Woo Ha. Also, she could do that awesome head-stand on the desk that she did in the credit sequence.
Loses points for: Probably would be the world's worst date at a black-tie event, seeing as she only ever wore bright pink.
#19 - PERSEPHONE
From: The Matrix trilogy
Gains points for: Giving something to look at whilst we have to listen to the Merovingian driveling on around causality. She has cleavage you could hide a moose in and despite my best attempts to control myself, GREAT BIG HUGE BREASTS.
Loses points for: Being in every single shitty French movie ever made since the dawn of time.
#18 - MONICA GELLER
From: Friends
Gains points for: That episode of Friends, where Chandler's away for however long working, and then he comes back having smoked, and she's in her under-wear, hanging on the inside of the door.
Loses points for:
#17 - STORM
From: X-Men
Gains points for: How good would holidays with Storm be? She could just make the weather whatever you wanted! Bought a new fluffy jumper? She'll make it winter for you! Awesome.
Loses points for: Talking like a complete ass. BY THE WINDS OF NAVAROO I SUMMON YOU.. GALE FORCES, HARKEN TO ME!! Pfft talk about a mood-killer.
#16 - MARY-JANE WATSON
From: Spiderman
Gains points for: Being the most perfect girlfriend of all time. She cooks, she cleans, she's hot, she's a red-head, she takes care of Peter Parker's wounds and she repairs/cleans his spidey suit!
Loses points for: Being played by Kirsten Dunst, totally ruining my fantasies.
#15 - MICHELLE BRANCH
From: The world's shortest music career since The Rembrandts
Gains points for: Being a musician. That's always attractive. Other than, she is hot, she likes pirates and she loves guys that are already taken. Plus her music's actually kinda good.
Loses points for: Disappearing from the face of the Earth.
#14 - MARISA TOMEI
From: Anger Management
Gains points for: Being very hot.
Loses points for: Being very old.
#13 - PENELOPE CRUZ
From: Vanilla Sky
Gains points for: Accent. Kills me. Plus, she's kinda spunky, she's Spanish and now she's in an action flick. Nice lips too.
Loses points for: Being in Sahara and dating that guy from How To Lose A Guy in Ten Days.
#12 - ASHLEY SCOTT
From: Walking Tall
Gains points for: Being a distinctly b-list actress, but not resorting to nudity to further her career.
Loses points for: Being a distinctly b-list actress, but not resorting to nudity to further her career.
#11 - WITCHBLADE
From: Witchblade
Gains points for: She's cute, hot, Darkness wants her and she has a bad ass blade fused to her arm that she will FUCK YOU UP WITH. I like her hair.
Loses points for: Being made by a company called "Top Cow".
#10 - ROGUE
From: X-Men
Gains points for: Now be sure I'm not talking about the nasty Anna Paquin movie version. But yeah, there's nothing I'm a sucker more for than accents, and especially southern country accents. That one she used to have in the cartoon just slays me.
Loses points for: Oh, just the fact that if you ever touched her, you would DIE.
#9 - CARMEN SAN DIEGO
From: Where in the world is Carman San Diego?
Gains points for: It's another well documented fact that unattainability is like the biggest turn-on for guys this side of huge titties and a nice personality YEAH RIGHT. Anyway, yeah she can skip through time and hops all over the globe... Talk about unattainability! Plus she's talk, dark and has nice eyes.
Loses points for: Being voiced by someone who also voiced The My Little Pony Movie.
#8 - ARIEL
From: The Little Mermaid
Gains points for: It's a well documented fact that red hair is hot. To this end, Ariel is the definitive red-head and therefore the definitive hotty, however...
Loses points for: Being dumb as a fucking door-knob, having a father who would rather impale you with his HUGE TRIDENT OF DOOM than welcome you into the family and oh yeah, she doesn't have any legs. Could be a bit of an issue I think.
#7 - PARKER POSEY
From: Blade Trinity
Gains points for: I actually have no idea whatsoever. She's the queen of indie, but I'm not going to try and kid anyone into think I believe that horse-shit about beauty being on the inside. I don't know, I think it's the mouth. I really think it's the mouth.
Loses points for: Lacking any discernible acting ability, despite being a professional actress.
#6 - RINOA HEARTILY
From: Final Fantasy VIII
Gains points for: Awesome. I have absolutely no recollection of the game that sucked my life up for near a month, but what I do remember is how awesome Rinoa is. As per all of the FF games, she never changes, but I can get over it because her blue get-up has tiny white wings on the back that are so cute it's stupid.
Loses points for: Being voiced terribly, and being so weak that she basically is deemed the arbitrary healer and mana sapper, which is never cool. THANKS FOR NOTHING, RINOA.
#5 - NATALIE PORTMAN
From: Garden State
Gains points for: Being hot of course. She's intelligent and she was in Leon which is like one of the must cultest films there ever was. She also has the inate ability to make me fall in love with her like men who play Dungeons and Dragons have the ability to not sleep with chicks.
Loses points for: To be honest I don't actually know. Star Wars I guess. But that's really clutching at straws. I suppose I could attack the fact that she's bald now..
#4 - BELLE
From: Beauty and the Beast
Gains points for: Being cute. Stupidly cute in fact. Plus, she's so nice that she'll even go out with the big bad hairy beast. She actually does believe in that beauty is on the inside bullshit. She also has the best patience in the known universe... The ability to sit through a dinner with a talking French candle-stick and clock is a super-power all her own.
Loses points for: I can't think of anything really. I guess she could be a little more frisky or something. Actually no, there's nothing.
#3 - JASMINE
From: Aladdin
Gains points for: Wearing the same outfit every day. You know, that one where the sleeves are perpetually about to slip off and... Hey. Also, the fact that her dad's a complete goon.
Loses points for: Never noticed it before, but I just did looking at that picture: Ridiculous. Hair.
#2 - JESSICA ALBA
From: Sin City
Gains points for: Being ridiculously gorgeous and being perfect in every forseeable way. For famously being James' official second girl that I inevitibly turn to when #1 rejects me for somebody in their mid-fifties.
Loses points for: Starring in whatever that shitty new surfing movie is with Paul Walker. Marrying some random assistant producer guy who got unbelievably fucking lucky.
#1 - SCARLETT JOHANSSON
From: Lost in Translation
Gains points for: The scene in Lost in Translation where she sings Brass in Pocket and says the line "I'm Special." Having the most perfect body of all time. Also, having the most perfect voice of all time. Also, having the most perfect mouth/lips of all time. Being my age. Being the best part of an Oscar Winning film that also featured Bill Murray. Also, I'm not gonna say something stupid and obsessive like if you ever touch her I'll kill you, but if you do ever touch her, than I'll probably fucking kill you.
Loses points for: The Horse Whisperer. And causing me to watched Lost in Translation repeatedly.
I wonder how long it's going to take for someone to bitch for me being captain obvious with Scarlett Johansson as the top spot. So fucking sue me.