Tribute to Jessica Alba or How Can Someone Possibly Make This Much Bad Film?
By James
Sitting on my ass at work affords me a large block of time to do nothing with but waste. Anyway, a couple of days ago, it was about 11:10 and I was really, I mean really fucking bored at work, and this is bad, when you realise that I started working at 11. So what do I do? I raid every drawer in hopes of finding something I can occupy myself with.
Maybe a gameboy, or a Friends VCD or a good movie.
OR MAYBE JESSICA ALBA'S "HONEY".
I want to rant on this movie already, but I'm gonna hold it in for the end.
By the way, since it's pretty obvious that no-one's going to be interested in screen-caps for any of these movies, I'm just going to randomly include a load of hot pictures of her instead.
VENUS RISING (1995)
I haven't seen this movie. And for once, I'm glad. There are three reviews on imdb.com and each one says that it's either really really shitty, or that you should just watch it just because Jessica Alba is in it. This is horse-shit, let me tell you. How do I know? Well I absolutely fucking one hundred percent hate Colin Firth and as a result, WILL NEVER watch Girl With the Pearl Earring. Despite the fact that it stars Scarlett Johansson. So no, no movie is worth watching JUST because it stars a girl you find hot.
Let's skip this.
IMDB RATING: 2.2 out of 10
P.U.N.K.S. (1999)
In true John Travolta fashion, Jessica Alba lent her already developing film curse to "P.U.N.K.S." and took a storyline that has been PROVEN to ALWAYS WORK, and really, really fuck it up.
Face it, films about rag-tag groups of kids winning a sports competition/having an adventure/winning a sports competition/winning a sports competition always make money! It's the equivalent of the modern day comic book adaptation - sure thing.
THE GOONIES PROVED THIS. I mean take the plot of that movie and say it out loud:
"A bunch of kids all perfectly racially stereotyped to include an asian and an italian find an old treasure map once belonging to the pirate one eyed willy they follow it, eventually picking up a prom queen, a really ugly girl, one of the kids who's gonna play Samwise Gamgee in the Lord of the Rings in about ten years' big brother drops by and along the way falls in love with the prom queen, and they lose the fat kid. On their case, and wanting the treasure is the world's ugliest woman, her dumb son and Cypher from the Matrix, they, despite being cold blooded killers, somehow manage to lose out to the bunch of kids, when the fat kid saves them with the help of the ugly woman's mal-formed son who she had previously kept as a freak in her basement."
WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS THAT? But still, it's like the most revered kid's film of all time. Shit I even own it on DVD and my cousin who's 21 got ALL FUCKED UP when she saw my copy and couldn't find one for herself.
Yet somehow, P.U.N.K.S. manages to score worse than the aforementioned Venus Rising did. Oh well. I didn't see this either.
IMDB RATING: 2 out of 10
NEVER BEEN KISSED (1999)
Hey, The Wedding Singer was awesome, so maybe I should do another another romantic comedy. Said Drew Barrymore, as she flicked through quite possibly the worst script ever written.
I saw this movie way too long ago to comment on, I just remember I watched it and then felt like dying. Drew Barrymore playing someone that everyone in high school hated is one of the most stupid things I've ever heard. Almost as stupid as that chick from Joy Ride playing a guy hating math geek. Oh wait, that was in this movie too. Awesome.
Jessica Alba plays a bully in the movie, but no-one really cares. You're either awwing over Drew being called "Josie Grocie", thinking about how dreamy Michael Vartan is, or dead because of the secret gamma waves Never Been Kissed emits to the brain.
IMDB RATING: 5.7 out of 10
IDLE HANDS (1999)
You know, it's often said that 1999 was the greatest year for film, that there's ever been. I mean we had such good stuff, stuff like American Beauty, Magnolia and Fight Club. Right?
I'm never going to hail 1999 as cinema's best ever again, after writing the last three sections. Any year that produces P.U.N.K.S., Never Been Kissed and Idle Hands deserves to be forgotten.
This movie blew, and while trying to be unique, brought to the cinema a whole fuck load of nothing.
It's one of those really shitty movies that somehow turns itself into a cult favourite. I'm not gonna rag on it too much actually, because I love The Mexican like a fat kid love cake, and everyone else seems to think that it's like the worst movie ever made or something. Wtf?
IMDB RATING: 5.3 out of 10
DARK ANGEL (2000 - ??)
I really, really, really don't like Dark Angel.
I honestly believe that James Cameron threw away everything he had when he decided to rely entirely on Jessica Alba's tits pulling in ratings. I mean, what's the guy who made The Terminator, who made Arnold Schwarzenegger for that matter, doing pinning his legacy on the girl who wasn't even a title role in Raising Venus? That's like the biggest insult an actress can get.
The show sucks, if you like it, then you probably like Van Helsing too.
I'll be honest and admit that I've only seen one episode. But that was enough to show me just how bad this stuff is. I mean, watch something like Friends, or Frasier, or Everybody Loves Raymond - You never get a bad show, it's just consistently good, for the very reason that if a first time viewer catches a random show and it's a bad one, then they'll just tune off and bash it at every moment they get, just like I'm doing now.
So that means that what I saw, how awful that was, is pretty much how bad it always is.
Seriously, the episode was about a girl who looks at them and makes them forget shit, who can make them think whatever she wants, and then for some reason Jessica Alba's friend is fighting in Mortal Kombat. He's a fucking bad-ass kick boxer and then beats everyone down, then Alba gets pissed, bets on herself and gets in the ring and kicks him in the nuts and wins. Shoot me now.
IMDB RATING: 5.4 out of 10
THE SLEEPING DICTIONARY (2003)
I TAKE BACK THE TITLE OF MY ARTICLE, THIS MOVIE FUCKING ROCKED.
I didn't see the whole thing, but about 30 seconds of it, where Jessica Alba gets naked, and, well, if that's any indication to the rest of the movie, then my friend it's GOTTA ROCK.
Ok seriously though.
The omens for this movie aren't good. I mean what genius woke up one day and said "Hey, you know what we don't have enough movies about? British colonialism. Yeah. That's right. And how about we set it out somewhere in bumfuck nowhere and get that girl on the sinking ship called Dark Angel to headline it?"
Mmmmm that smells like straight to video to me.
Fuck knows why Jessica Alba signed on for this shit heap. I mean, I could understand why you would get naked for a really fucking awesome movie, like American Beauty, because it was artistic, needed for the plot, and because if you said "yes I'll take of my shirt" you'd get to be in that little piece of history: in a film that won a fuck load of Oscars.
The Sleeping Dictionary is pretty much one of the worst movies ever made, despite featuring Bob Hoskins, and a nudity shot so uhhh, I don't know.
HONEY (2003)
OHHHHHH so close
Honey is so bad it would be funny, if you could somehow forget that you just wasted an hour and a half that you could have spent watching TV or masturbating or getting smacked in the nuts by a donkey voiced by Eddie Murphy.
Oh my god it's bad.
The movie tries to have a story, Honey is a dance choreographer who is told by umm some guy who's important that she has to sleep with him or be black-listed in the hip-hop entertainment world. Ok I'm a little fuzzy on the details, as I fell asleep about twenty three times over the duration of the movie.
Oh wait I do remember something, I remember because I almost fell out of my chair: Jessica Alba falls in love with Mekhi Phifer. The guy from 8 Mile. Because he has "all the right moves" and has some phat connections.
How about no.
That is the most contrived on-screen romance of all time, even topping the heinous love between Niles and Daphne on my favourite tv show Frasier.
You know a movie's bad when you're watching it and you start comparing it with the direction that Glitter took, since it's pretty much the EXACT SAME MOVIE.
HOWEVER.
Is it worth watching to see Jessica Alba?
Was I wrong earlier?
Is it?
Is she really that hot?
Yeah ok she is.