I still remember the first episode of the X-Men I ever saw.This big lug in red appeared in the middle of the city and basically proceeded to beat Wolverine like an erection. Then Rogue turned up, slapped one of her usual arbitrary dicey 'sugar' comments and then got handed her own little brand of beat down which involved her being thrown through about four concrete walls.
Upon regaining her bearings, she flew back over to the dude that had just thrown her like a fucking frisbee and tried her usual cop out of when all else fails let me suck the fucker's power, end of episode and roll credits.
Bad move.
Homeboy swivels around and throws her head first straight into another building. And thats when Wheels and the rest of the X-Men turn up.
That is also, when I realised Juggernaut was the coolest thing I had ever seen in my life.
Being the brother of Charles Xavier ain't easy. The golden boy of the mutant world, who could twist off your testicles with a single brain wave or have you walking around thinking you were a sixteen year old Vegas show girl called Crystal Chandelier for the rest of your life with little more than a bit of concentrated thought.
It'd be like being Jesus' brother. How much would that fucking suck? Being Richie Christ. The second child of Joseph and Mary. Talk about tough act to follow. Add to that he was abused as a kid and you don't need a psychology degree to figure out how he got so fucked up.
Now I can understand when people's favourite comic book characters are people like Superman or Storm. I mean those characters could do some real fucking damage. Storm could control the fucking weather for god's sakes!
But fucking Wolverine? Everybody bums Wolverine and I just don't understand it. I mean what, he's got knife things between his knuckles? So what I can hold a sword. What, he's ridiculously agile? So what, I can fucking jump.
Juggernaut can allegedly benchpress 100 tons. You're telling me that Wolverine would pose any threat whatsoever. Give me a fucking break. That's like saying Spongebob Squarepants would pose a physical threat to Voltron.
The way I see it, there's no logical way I can ever see Juggernaut losing a fight with the entire X-Men team. It's complete bullshit. Of course it happens in the episode, but if you think about it, there's no fucking way. The X-Men are the biggest bunch of over-rated non-heroes ever.
Who've we got?
Beast who posesses super-human intelligence and the mutant ability to be perpetually ugly. What's he gonna do other than calculate the exact speed at which Juggernaut is going to reduce the team to rubble or sit in the corner and read advanced molecular physics text-books?Then you've got the leader of the bunch, Cyclops. Alright, please tell me what the difference between Cyclops and a guy with a gun is. Please. Except that Cyclops can get away with wearing Raybans at night time. Score.
Perhaps the best, is Collosus. He is very very strong. That's his thing. No that's his only thing. Except he isn't as strong as Juggernaut. Clearly this poses a problem. The only use for Collosus is if you're playing Marvel vs. Capcom. Trust me.
Nightcrawler could teleport. Yes I think Sin City taught us what the ability to run away really fast versus pure brute strength equates to.
And Gambit could throw cards that blew up. Hold the fucking phone. He had charm and got to fuck eternal hottie goddess Rogue though, so I can't really rag on him.
Bottom line? The X-Men fucking blow. Xavier was leet as hell because he could control your mind. Oh yeah, the amazing power that could be one hundred percent negated by Juggernaut wearing a helmet. Alright the helmet was fashioned by an unknown mystical metal that he found in the dimension of Cyttorak but you get what I mean.
Actually, how exactly did Magneto get a helmet like that in the X-Men movie? I don't quite think that British Airways schedule package metal ore mining holidays in the alternate universe of Cyttorak.
Eventually in the episode, Juggernaut is beaten when one of the pussy X-Men sneaks up on him, jumps on his back and removes his helmet. I don't remember who it was, but I'm pretty sure it probably must be Wolverine because lets face it, that's all he's fucking good for and I guess he could use those little faggot hand blades to jimmy open the bolts.
To sum up, alright he didn't have the panache or raw woman pulling power of Batman, nor did he have the pwnage one-liners of Spiderman, or the awesome visual appeal of Venom, but Juggernaut is my all time favourite comic book character. And for good fucking reason.