The Matrix Reloaded:

Director's Cut

By James

 

 

 

As we all know, the Matrix Reloaded was nowhere near as great a movie as it's predecessor, and as we also all know, some of it didn't make a damn lick of sense. So here is the actual Director's cut, that you can't find anywhere else in the world.

 

 

 

We enter on Counsellor Hamman and Neo talking, within Zion.

 

 

Neo: Where are we?

Hamman: Zion. The city where the last human resistance resides.

Neo: I see. Where did we get all this power? Surely instead of using humans as batteries, the machines should just tap into Zion's extravagent power supply which is somehow supporting our food, water and heating needs.

Hamman: Umm... You see that big machine? It supplies all of our water.

Neo: I see... Where did it come from?

Hamman: Fucked if I know. Damn it boy you ask so many questions.

 

Neo realises that Hamman is uneasy, and as a result, tries to change the subject.

 

Neo: You look very sexy by the way.

Hamman: Why thank you :P

Neo: Yeah... Where did you get that top from though? I mean just out of curiosity, because I mean, they're clearly made out of natural fibres, and there clearly aren't any sheep or cotton fields in Zion.

Hamman: Umm... I think we have to get to the speech.

Neo: Ok.

 

Morpheus arrives on a big cavern.

 

Morpheus: ZION!! Hear me!!

 

Neo and Trinity talk in the back.

 

 

Neo: What's going on?

Trinity: Well, the machines are mounting an attack on Zion. They're going to drill down and send one Sentinel for every man, woman and child in here. It'll be a massacre.

Neo: Every man, woman and child? Why don't they just drill the hole and then drop a nuclear bomb on us? Wouldn't that be much easier?

Neo: Umm...

 

Morpheus continues to talk.

 

Neo: Ah fuck it, let's go fornicate, while the rest of Zion embarks on wild bacchanalia.

Trinity: Ok!

 

 

Neo: Why am I here?

Oracle: You know why.

Neo: Umm. Ok. Who are you?

Oracle: You know who.

Neo: Well, if I had to guess, I'd have to say you're a program from the machine world.

Oracle: You are correct.

Neo: So what do I need to do next?

Oracle: You know what.

Neo: No I don't.

Oracle: Know yourself. This will lead you to the answer.

Neo: I'm Neo. That don't tell me shit.

Oracle: You must look deeper.

Neo: Alright, look, just fucking tell me what I need to know.

Oracle: You kno--

NEO: NO I DON'T!!!

Oracle: Ok fine, you have to go and get the key-maker.

Neo: Thank you. By the way, I'll just trust you for absolutely no reason despite the fact that every other time I've seen you it's ended in someone dying.

Oracle: I can see why she likes you.

Neo: Who?

Oracle: Not to smart though.

Neo: I get that a lot. I blame it on Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventures and the pre-fame pot I did.

 

 

Neo: We need to go and get the key-maker.

Trinity: What?

Neo: Just trust me, I'm the one aren't I?

Trinity: Ok.

 

 

Merovingian: Blah blah blah fuck blah blah wiping your ars with silk blah blah blah.

Neo: What the fuck did he just say?

Trinity: I don't know, but it sounded good. You weren't listening?

Neo: Monica Belucci is sitting right there. What do you think?

Trinity: Ok.

Neo: Anyway, fuck it, let's get the Key-Maker and scram.

 

 

Neo: Quick little Asian man!

Key-Maker: Yes?

Neo: Go with Trinity and Morpheus, while I dispense with like fifty of these guys.

Key-Maker: Ok.

Neo: Now Go!!

 

 

 

Twin: How the fuck did we manage to blow a billion holes into that car and not even scratch one of them?

Twin 2: They're the heros you dip-shit.

Twin: Oh yeah.

 

 

Key-Maker: Wow, we're alive! They sprayed those random motorist with bullets like sharp shooters, but when they were within inches of our car, they somehow missed. It's a miracle!!

Morpheus: It is the prophecy.

 

 

Key-Maker: Oh shit we're going to die!!

Morpheus: Neo will save us.

Key-Maker: How the fuck do you know Larry?

Morpheus: It is the prophecy.

Key-Maker: WHAT??? SHUT UP WITH THAT!!

 

There is 0.12321231 seconds until the ship explodes. Neo is flying faster than the speed of sound.

 

Key-Maker: Holy shit you caught us!!

Neo: And despite flying faster than a speeding truck, I didn't even harm you one bit, nor did any of your clothing rip, despite me grabbing you at a billion miles an hour.

Morpheus: You are the one.

Neo: Fuckin' A rite!

 

 

Morpheus: I believe tonight we can end this war. I believe tonight, it will be over. Isn't this worth fighting for? Isn't it worth... Dying for? And besides, if we fail or get in a bit of a jam, Neo will just grab us and fly off to safety.

Everyone in the room: YEAH!! Let's do it!!

 

 

Neo: Trinity, I don't want you to come. Promise me you won't.

Trinity: You love me that much?

Neo: No, it's just that you're a shit fighter and you'd only fuck things up.

Trinity: Oh.

 

 

Trinity enters the Matrix and gets beat down by an agent. As a last ditch effort, she throws herself out of a window for no real reason.

 

Neo: I'm coming!! You stupid bitch I knew you'd fuck things up!

Trinity: Ahhh!!

 

 

 

Neo catches her.

 

Trinity: You caught me! My hero! Uh...

Neo: Yes, and it's a wonder that although a bullet speeding at like 460 metres a second can pierce your skin and kill you, me, flying faster than both you and the speeding bullet combined produces no harm. I really must be the one!

Trinity: Yay!