TRIBUTE TO CONDO SECURITY GUARDS

By James

 

 

It recently occurred to me that with every article that I write, everyone who reads it slowly gets to know a little more about me. I mean, you don't really need to know trivial things like which bands I'm listening to (Wilco, 3EB, Halloween Alaska), which books litter my bed-side table (Chuck Pahluniuk's Survivor) or which pop culture girls I'm entertaining thoughts of (Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Alba and Emmy Rossum), but with every article, you actually get to step into some of my very personal feelings. With this in mind, I've decided to stop bitching about things so much.

Instead, I'm going to respect and praise.

Living in Malaysia, land of the condominium, for much of my life, I have been privy to the sight of many a security guard. And the thing is, they often go without reward or recognition. I mean they're literally risking their lives out there every night, without any weapon other than their brain (which let's face it, they got dumped with a job of condo security guard so presumably they aren't that bright), the back of their hands and a telephone.

And it's perhaps this important aspect that we as human beings need to recognise, instead of bitching about HOW THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THEIR FUCKING JOB.

I mean they don't, that's a given, but we should still respect them for the job that they do.

I ask a lot of people, you're so damn rich, why don't you live in a mansion? And the answer (if they don't already) is that they like the 'security'. Let me tell you something, in my experience, that rent-a-cop sitting in the guard-house downstairs won't do SHIT for your security. The only thing that's going through his mind when you walk past is "I need this guy's tip when it's Christmas/Chinese New Year/Easter/Thanksgiving, so don't piss him off".

Seriously, the number of condos I've gone into just to have a swim or generally fuck around in without me or anyone I know living in them is ridiculous. And the bottom line is that you could turn up with a bazooka, a set of uzis a turban and a t-shirt that says AL-QAEDA (sp) on it and say "Damn I can't find my keys", and trust me that fucker's had so little do all day, he pipes up with excitement, looks straight past the guns and blatant terrorist alerts and says "Don't worry about that sir, I can let you in."

Or better still, something that I really love about security guards is how when a package comes for you, but you aren't home, they stick a tag on it and keep it in the back, and then as soon as you come home, they get you to sign for it and you're set. No identification, no, no, that would be way too secure, just sign for it, that's all and you can have it.

Another thing I love about security guards, is that because of the aforementioned thought that they need to suck your dick so that they can score a dandy tip come holiday season, they basically endow us all with great power. They make us all real life jedi-warriors:



Instant jedi-mind tricks!!

So yeah, I just wanted to say thanks a lot, and tell you ungrateful lot that you should really be saying thanks to those security guards. Take the time to smile and ask him how his day is, because he really is protecting you. Thanks for doing the great job, guys...